Just Write Already…

Have you seen the episode of Spongebob where he has to write a paper and gets stuck on the very first word? He finds distractions and things to occupy his time just so he doesn’t have to start. That stuck feeling and not knowing what to write, or having too much to write and don’t know where to start is how I’ve been feeling for over a month now. I keep telling myself to “just write already” and figure that the rest would flow eventually. I’m not writing for an audience, I’m writing for myself to release emotion and go on about my day.

I’d like to challenge myself to write a post a day. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a sentence or some random thing, I want to hold myself accountable. I physically write every day, that’s something I can’t do without. As much as I love the way my fingers gently glide across the keys, nothing beats pen to paper and the unique writing style that is me.

I have this background on my computer and it really soothes me every time I look at it…

I like to write from inspiration. So, the other day I wrote:

The sun shone through the slats of the gate as I took a brisk morning walk around a quarter to eight. The ground was soft and pillowy from the freshly stained dew as my boots crunched on the path to the faint sounds of “Moooooo…” The Lord warmed my face as I hugged my cardigan tight and squinted my eyes through the heavenly light. The cool air hung in my lungs as I took a deep breath and held onto the moment before exhaling regret. God’s beautiful creation hangs like a picture in the sky, if only I would stop and hang out more than just swing by.

My Backwards Walk

Have you ever heard that song? It’s by Frightened Rabbit and it makes so much more sense to me now than ever. I thought I would be affected by it but I felt almost numb or “okay”. I think I know what that means. I’m seriously ready to let go of that life and everything that came with it.

I want to share with you a letter I wrote to my parents this morning at about 4:31 a.m. I understand that I am a 33-year-old woman, but I don’t feel like I ever grew up past 17. That’s a lot of where I stopped growing, after a pretty traumatic event, and if you’ve followed me for a while, you’ll know.

Taking Care of Love

I love Patrick. Let’s first get that straight. I do deserve the love he gives to me, the caring nurturing person that he is as a whole. When I saw him write, “Why won’t someone take care of me sometimes?” that hurt. So, I will be taking care of Patrick after his surgery. I will be there to cook, clean, walk Dexter, assist him to the bathroom, shower, and do anything else that he may need at that time. He has only shown me love that could flourish, not diminish. I owe him this and if I want to be his wife someday, I have to gain his trust back and show him the woman I know that I can be in his life as he shows me husbandly duties in mine without obligation. I am an adult and can make adult decisions and this is one that I feel strongly about. This is only temporary until he can do things by himself and get back up on his feet. He lives alone, he has no one to tend to his day and night and I think for a week, that’s not asking much. It’s my turn to take care of him only in the ways he has ever taken care of me. I will then return home and continue healing but I feel this is a healing opportunity too, for our relationship and or what our life will be because one day it’ll only be us. We will take care of Eddie and we have you to thank for that, Mom and Dad. I have been shown a new light and I’m taking hold of it today and every day. I will continue to find my joy each and every day. I must be a Ruth to my Boaz and sleep at his feet and tend to his needs in order to have the life I want to live every day for the rest of my life. To give my son exactly what he needs. I know what I have to do, and this is part of it. I know this is God-led. I wouldn’t have had the urge so bad to get out of bed and explain but my words get jumbled when they are not on a page. I love you and I cherish all that you do for me and my son. I know Eddie is safe here, he has a home in you.

Autumn is my writer and the one who fronts with me as I write whenever I write. She is 17 and one of my best friends. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right? Ever since my experience, she has been there. I love those “inner hugs”. We’ve grown in our skills and I love to watch the progress each day. The love for writing is such an honored gift of God and I just want to use it in a way that honors Him.

I feel the need to have to explain myself to everyone because I want to hurt no one. My disease and addiction keep me blinded from realizing that’s exactly what I’ve done until it’s over and done with. Then I can go back, overanalyze and repeat. I know that I’ve said “not this time” more than a million times, but something has changed inside. Every time clarity overtakes my brain fog, I know Jesus has intervened in some way that becomes blatantly obvious. It does make me feel silly for not seeing it right away, but our trials wouldn’t be trials if they did. A reason for everything.

My mind is starting to shift topics because I can’t stop thinking about the complete craziness of my playlist. My taste in music is extremely diverse. I love it. Something I love about me I guess? What? I love something about myself? *GASP*

Fruit of the Spirit

That is today’s topic of study for myself. Learning what is good in my life and what needs work on. Boy, do I need work …

I want to bear all of the fruit, there’s no getting around that. Those sinful natures though — that’s what gets us. So let’s go ahead and take a look at what the Fruit of the Spirit is compared to the sinful desires of “the flesh”.

Fruit of the Spirit:

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control.

Sinful acts of the flesh:

Sexual Immorality, Impurity, Idolatry, Hatred, Jealousy, Fits of Rage, Self Ambition, and Drunkenness.

If I had to pick two to really work on, I would say “self ambition” and “drunkenness”. I am sick of “being of self” … I’m selfish and that only hurts the people I truly and dearly love in my life. Eddie, Mom, Dad, Patrick, etc. Myself. Forgot about me, truth. A lot of times it is because of drunkenness that I become selfish and make horrible awful decisions.

Example: I decided it would be a good idea to drink at Patrick’s (which I don’t even remember purchasing or beginning to drink for that matter, yeah, scary). He proceeded to pour them out and yet I decided to buy more, which I didn’t know he even poured anything out in the first place. Still freaking me out. I then decided it would be a good idea to drink with my ex-husband because I know he is an alcoholic and I could drink until I couldn’t feel feelings or live any longer. Intentions aside, I was trying to make it all go away, permanently. I figured what better person to do it with that if he died too, no one would care, just like me. (Booze brain at its best.)

This binge went on for 3 days where it would be drinking, pass out, drink pass out, occasionally vomit, pass out, drink … I think you are getting the point. I forgot the charger for my phone and my laptop died and forgot that charger too. So, now, no way to get a hold of me and see if I’m even alive at this point. I felt like death when I did make it home.

I didn’t realize what I was doing to all the people in my life who love me so damn much and it kills me that I even put them through it. I was selfish, drunk, and was being complete of the flesh at that point. I needed to write this out to remind myself that I could’ve very well lost my life and so many people would have been affected. It’s selfish. I’m done being selfish. Hurting my son the way I did makes me even sicker inside. This healing I’m about to do can no longer be self-centered and what I want it to be. This healing has to be led by God, given to him completely.

That being said, 4/4 is my new sober date and I plan to see anniversaries on 4/4 of my progress each and every year. Being an alcoholic will never “go away” and it will be a constant battle on my part led by the Holy Spirit. I know I can do this, I’ve proven it before. I deserve the life the Lord wants for me and it’s time to back it up with action.

Lord Jesus,

Help me to understand that the fruit will always be the “healthiest” choice I could make. Let me see what is good and not take what is rotten because I am not. I want to learn to love in every way possible, starting with YOU. As hard as it goes against the thinking I’ve had for so long, I know that this pain will only be for good in my life. I’m ready to push past my sinful nature as much as possible. I know that nobody is perfect but please help my impulses and obsessions and take them from me. Help me to see I am not alone in this world, daily, to keep me going forward, not rearing back. You’ve given me some amazing people in my life and I need to learn that they are the ones who care the most. I no longer wish to be deceived by the wrong influences of people, objects, or addictions. I want to know that to be loved doesn’t equal sex and the simple and small things are what produce the big things. I’m ready to learn if you would be ready to teach. It’s in your name that I pray,

Amen.

Nothing Special

I really need to work on my french toast-making skills. You’d think someone who has always loved them could make them. I fell short of flavor, Gordon Ramsay would’ve had my ass. “What is this soggy tasteless egg slab? This isn’t even edible…” Yet Patrick still ate it all and was sweet about it. It’s just me being hard on myself, but I’m not dumb. I am nowhere near the status of a “woman in the kitchen” but I try. I want to be. I’m a rare one.

I noticed even with something so simple, I’m still so negative about my skills. Oof… I almost feel like I need to discredit myself or bring myself down so no one else can. Preemptive criticism.

I took Dexter on a walk this morning as soon as I woke up. The weather was beautiful, around 60 and sunshine in the sky. We took our walk around the lake and behind the buildings. It’s peaceful and I talk to God when I do this. My thoughts can go really out there. On the way back I was thinking that if I were a dog breed, I’d be a corgi/husky mix. I’m short, have an attitude of a big dog, tons of personality(ies), and want to lead the pack. Then I imagined what I would look like if I were drawn as a character on Bluey. So now, I’m going to make that become a reality. I also thought about Patrick and I see him as an Irish wolfhound but he’d have red tint sprinkled throughout him. I am going to draw these out at some point.

I then thought about each dog unique to the person and the size of the dog as problems in our lives. I’ve got a large husky/malamute mix. So my issues are decently sized and shed (follow me) everywhere I go. I’m ready for a medium-sized dog. I want a corgi and I want to name her Lady. I already have a collar with her name on it. One day.

I don’t know why my thoughts go these ways during my day. They just do.

Let It All Out, Girl…

I’m just going to write what comes to my mind even if it doesn’t make sense, even if I have no idea why I would think it, or maybe it’ll just help me make complete sense out of some of it.

Here goes…

I’m fat. I’ve gained back 15-20 pounds and I feel bloated and disgusting all the time. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m in clothes or out of clothes. Adding insult to injury, the new jeans I bought are just a stretch waist and a size 12. I feel ashamed of myself. I constantly think about food, what I will eat, what I have eaten, how much I have eaten, guesstimating calorie, carb, and sugar intake. I literally go through my head of what I’ve had for the day and debate on what it was and how much determine if I get to eat and if it’s healthy or not. I have coffee every morning fluctuating between 8 oz, 10 oz, and 12 oz depending on the morning and at least a 2 oz of creamer. (I honestly don’t know if I’m highballing or not). This morning I had two blueberry donut holes, a snickerdoodle cookie, half a bag of chips, an apple, 3/4 of a Mountain Dew, and 2 or so bottles of water. I already feel like that is too much crap for the day and the majority were unhealthy decisions. I don’t intuitively listen to my body as I should. The thing is, if I did I wouldn’t know if it was from boredom or that I’m physically hungry. I didn’t have this problem 20 pounds ago. I felt amazing and wasn’t short of breath or have backaches or have digestive problems like I do again. I have no motivation to get up off the couch and go walk and it takes every ounce of me to just walk Dexter now. I used to want to go all the time and was exciting about it, now it just feels like a chore. I know I’m depressed and I just don’t want to be. I have had my sleep thrown off for some time now. I usually get 4-5 hours of sleep at night and then around noon I am exhausted and nap. That could be anywhere from a half-hour to 3… I constantly feel tired and have very low energy. I’m constantly in my head about things that I probably shouldn’t worry about but do. I argue inside so much lately and I’m trying to stay positive but that negative voice, those negative thoughts, drowns me. Talking it out and speaking with someone is tricky. Sometimes I feel it helps and I can let an issue go, and others it feels like it just makes everything ten times worse and pours on the depression sauce. I don’t want the way I am feeling to affect my relationship with God and others. I don’t want Eddie to think Mommy doesn’t want to be around him because I do, I just don’t know-how. As much as I feel progress is being made, the pace is excruciating. I want to hurry to heal, I want to hurry my life way too much and I am trying to learn, so hard, to slow down. My mind endlessly trails and it exhausts me to the point of physical exhaustion, headaches, and blurry vision. I am confused. That can go towards many topics. Once I feel comfortable with something, it changes or something else gets tossed into the mix and throws everything off. There is never “downtime” in my life. I want to be a good person and I want to represent Christ and do the right things but I am now afraid I’m not enough to go to Heaven. There have been many things I’ve read, seen, witnessed that have led to these feelings now. I am robbed of my own joy in all of my relationships because I find ways to tell myself subconsciously, it’s just not enough. I will never be enough. I won’t ever be “Mom of the year” and I can’t help but compare. I have sinful thoughts and they scare me to the point of arguing with myself and going back and forth from positive to negative.  I wake up a lot mid-prayer or conversation I myself am not having. It’s like listening in to a phone conversation I was probably not intended to hear at the moment. I’m constantly stopping myself from saying horrible things or being sarcastic when I get caught up in the thought of religion. I know what is right but a part of me fights every single part of it and I can’t stand it! I just want unity, I want to work as one without worrying if I’m going to slip up or not be able to control what happens in the decision-making. I have so many different triggers and some don’t make any sense to me. I don’t understand how I could be made like this and believe in God and KNOW Jesus died for me but still question. Outside influence does this a lot. I’m terrified of being rejected. I don’t want to impose on anyone. I oftentimes miss opportunities to be a humble and loving person because I think I’m too much of a burden, needy or clingy. I have tapered back all of that because I don’t want to be alone, so I purposely make myself be alone, slink back and away from those I love and who care. I don’t know how to get out of this little hole I’ve dug myself into. I canceled my therapist appointment because I just “don’t want to talk” and “I wouldn’t know what to say anyway”. Here’s the thing, I have plenty to say and know what to say, I just don’t know how to let it escape my lips and feel confident doing it. This is why I write. It comes out clearer and I can think about what my next thought is and if it’s appropriate to lay it out. When I talk sometimes too much spills out and I don’t know when to stop or I feel blank and don’t know where to begin. It’s always one extreme or the other. I am not honest with myself on how I really feel a lot of the time. I hide behind these masks of who I think I should be, what I am expected to be, and I am uncomfortable to just be whoever the hell I am meant to be. I get these urges to do productive things and then either talk myself out of it or start to do it and lose interest real quick. It’s like the flip of a switch and everything comes to a screeching halt. I then slump back down on the couch and feel so many emotions and listen to so many conversations going on inside and feel nauseated. Feeling sick or nauseated is an extreme trigger for me. I always assume I am pregnant and the weight gain, it terrifies me. I have been up to date on my depo shots and have had to take a test twice now. I’ve had intermittent bleeding and I know that I’m not, I just always go straight to that assumption. Getting pregnant at a young age and aborting my baby has internally fucked me up. It all scares me. I was terrified when I first found out about Eddie and was in a panic about what to do. It was a natural reaction even though after calming down I was elated. It’s the initial reaction to things that trigger certain thoughts and then make me feel like a piece of shit. I forget where I am in life and how everything is not the way it used to be. I feel stuck in a fictitious world that I’ve created in my own mind. I don’t know how to differentiate reality a lot of the time and it scares me. What is real in this world, what isn’t, who is, who isn’t. I scare myself and throw myself into some horrible panic attacks because of it. There is something more to my mental illness than I know and that’s just fact. I am always afraid to get help because I’m afraid of what is inside and what the inside might do because of it. Obviously pushing it down hasn’t helped at all because it comes out in horrible choices and things I can’t take back. That then affects me and the cycle starts all over again. I feel like I create more than I should even handle. All of this frightens me. I am now feeling pressured as to what time I should start cooking something… if I’m going to fuck it up… if Patrick would even like it. I am SO damn hard on myself and I feel I need to be perfect in what I do and then I bash myself with an emotional bat and collapse. I’ve failed him countless times and he still takes me in. I read that sentence and wonder if I am talking about God, Patrick, or Eddie. Have I failed myself? Quick answer, yes. As a human, I will never have what it takes to be a part of this world or other of the Kingdom. Jesus is my saving grace, I know. Just believe is the hardest phrase to believe. I want help with a lot of my unbelief. I want answers to questions I know I won’t acquire on earth. This leaves me at many dead ends that keep me in this scary place. I’m afraid of what I am capable of and that comes from many experiences of the past. Trying to move forward is like pulling a bus with a rope. It just doesn’t budge. I don’t feel strong enough and that’s when I have to get my help and my strength from the Lord. I know and understand what I am supposed to do and I know I’m not supposed to do this on my own. Why can I never remember to do the simplest thing and go directly to God, lay it at His feet, and let it go? I try not to entertain my thoughts anymore, I shut a lot down that I used to let fly all the time. I know that’s a bit of progress in my thought process and follow-through. I’m ashamed that I choose to focus on myself and healing over everything. I choose it overworking, my relationships, finances (lack thereof), and the credibility of having any independence in my life. I’m always uncomfortable and tense with everything I do. The exhaustion I’ve been feeling has made me feel guilty for being lazy. I don’t think I’m doing enough to work through all the crap that’s been built up. I truly feel like a failure in many aspects of my life. I have messed up myself, my trust, what love is, a marriage, ability to drive, my son, my family, my life partner … my credibility in the church. I’m so unconfident in what I do that it just will never be good enough. I feel like I hide behind it all and come off as confident but even that makes me think, “you lying sack of shit, don’t flatter yourself”. My choices up to this point in my life have majorly been wrong. I have hurt so many people, including myself, and I don’t know how to process that properly. There is no way I would’ve been able to say all of that to a therapist because I freeze before it can even escape my lips and I censor the shit out of myself and what I’m to say. I don’t want to be seen as crazy, mentally ill, an addict, an adulterer, a liar, a thief, a murderer, the list could go on, but in plain sight, I am absolutely all of these things. I have done so many things in this life that aren’t even thought of as unforgivable, yet Jesus, you forgive me anyway. Your love is so prominent that it negates all of the mistakes, the sins, the transgressions I’ve worked my way through because of YOU. When I stop and remember these things, it’s always such an “ah-ha” moment because I am so stuck in the mucky water of negativity, I forget to lift my head to the light and breathe. Thank you for letting me get all of this out, I just feel so heavy and the weight is significant. I just want to get through the pain of what was so I can continue working on what is to come. I will not be my own roadblock anymore (thoughts of doubt flooded my head, I truly did not believe that statement whatsoever). I have so much work to do and in my mind, not nearly enough time

The Perfect Cup

Can I just take a moment and admire the man who knows how to make a cup of coffee?

I slowly woke up this morning from another nightmare that had me confused as to where I was. It’s one I’ve been having a lot lately and it helps to wake up in his bed. Coming back to reality, I groggily reach for my shorts and shirt and tell myself, “It was only a dream…”.

Opening up the bedroom door to the living room I see a comfy man playing on his Playstation and cozied up in his red blanket. My mind is still in flight mode and as I glance over at him and then turn to walk towards the Keurig, he makes a noise and gestures for me to come over to him. Arms crossed, I walk over to him and sit down as he says, “I know you weren’t about to make some coffee, that’s my job.” When I tell you every worry melted away, I felt like chocolate in his big strong hands.

His kisses on my neck sent a tingle down my spine and those lips amped up the love I was already feeling. Looking into those eyes reassured me that I was given such an amazing gift and I needn’t worry about it any longer. I am secure and safe with this man.

He likes to surprise me with flavors and for a man who does not like coffee, he is the mixologist of baristas. This one got me today, it was chocolate cherry and it smells just like a cherry cordial and tastes even better than one. I have quite the plethora of creamers to choose from and he always knows which flavor pairs perfectly with each cup. Call it luck, call it fate, but I was always told in my family that the right one will always know how to make the perfect cup of coffee.

I really want to make a “Hebrews” joke right now, but it’s so cliche. Let’s just say, it goes nicely while I work on projects for the ministry. I never knew life could be this simplistically blissful and I’m cherishing every moment of it.

Friends?

I want them and I don’t. I try and then I bail. I cherish my alone time but there are times when I want to hang out. The thing is, I don’t have them. My best friend, I live with. He has been enough. Yeah, I have friends online and really try to keep up but it’s hard. It exhausts me. I feel like I owe. I’m too much of a people-pleaser, I will say yes when I mean no. It’s hard to have them because I feel this obligation to have all the right answers. I am so far from anyone you’d want to go to for advice.

The one thing I ALWAYS get told is, “You are just so easy to talk to, I feel like I can open up to you.” My whole life. I’ve heard some amazing stories in my life. Total strangers amuse me a lot. Good intentions but sometimes a little too much info shared. I genuinely care about people. I want to be there for others and help. But what if I am the one who needs the help right now?

All of my best friends I’ve had over time have all moved on as have I. One friendship I cherish is Emily. We could go months without talking and when we do, it’s like we never stopped. We get each other in that way. I’m never worried about that one.

Do I make a better long-distance friend? I’ve wondered this. I’m really good at them. Knowing I don’t have to go out and can just shoot a text and see if it’s a good time to talk. I have problems talking on the phone. I’m trying to do that more but for some reason, it exhausts and fills me with anxiety. People exhaust me in general. Going out for long periods of time does this as well. It’s almost like we get going and then I’m already thinking, “I can’t wait to get home.” I feel this pressure to be “normal.”

We all know that’s not going to happen.

Maybe I’m not mentally ready yet. I’ve prayed for a friend, but I didn’t look over to the man sitting next to me. I feel too old, like my time to find that one friend that I could tell anything to and they could do the same, has passed. I find openness attractive. It’s one thing I wish Patrick would do. I don’t know what to do about that one.

I think I’m just in a “friend rut” at the moment.

Too Many Tabs Open

Move, dammit! Say something. ANYTHING. I have so many things going on inside my head that I can’t stop the whirlwind of thoughts enough to grab just one. I need to reorganize my library again, damn thought closet is so disheveled. There are too many things happening inside and nothing produces on the outside. Has that ever happened to you? I can’t make myself function under the clutter and it’s making me stagnant.

There are too many feelings on how this system should work that it’s clogging up the inner workings. It’s been a while since it’s been this way and part of me enjoys having the company, yet part of me hates the headache. I feel lost and found. How can you feel both ways at the same time? I’m putting so many pieces together but the picture still isn’t clear as to what that is. I have a pile of pieces put together over here, and some over there and down there… nothing connected in the middle yet. That’s the part I’m working on now. I know it’ll eventually end up a beautiful picture puzzle. Time and not my own.

I have come to a lot of serious conclusions in my life. I don’t think all of myself came to the realization that I am an addict. I thought I knew it and was so certain of it. In group the other week the therapist asked a question, “When was the exact moment it clicked?” It threw my whole system completely off like I wasn’t all in on the intervention crew. Parts of me were shocked and it made me dissociate and this clarity that I was ready to accept it FULLY, FINALLY happened. Everybody onboard? Yup. Totally.

I’ve been having weird dreams about accepting what I can not change. I felt a huge wave of sadness wash over me and for a couple of days, I went silent. I wasn’t sure what to think. I almost feel embarrassed that it took me this long. It makes me feel stupid. To feel so sure for so long and then get a slap of reality hits. I’m moving on from a horribly beautiful disaster of a life. It’s coming to an end and I’m not sure how I feel about that. It’s time to live clean and the way life can and should be. I’m scared. I’m not used to this. This part of me is in shock but most of me understand this.

I’ve been silent for way too long. I hardly spoke my whole existence because I was just the “raving party girl.” The drugs that silenced me, the music that beat through my veins, the lust that shushed my mouth, held me down and took my innocence slowly. There isn’t a place for me now and I don’t know what to do. These memories are just a breath in the wind of long ago.

I want this help and to be a part of this whole, but it’s so foreign and I don’t feel like I belong. I think it may be time to let go of you. I’m sorry Roxy. That panic you feel is the acceptance that each part had to feel. Oof… I feel strange. It went silent again and I don’t know what that means.

It’s not easy for anybody here right now. I need to be comforted and I truly don’t know what that would consist of at the moment. I’m not all here, part of me is chasing myself into the darkness. Well, this may be a couple more days of “whatever the fuck is going to happen is going to happen.”

Yikes. This went south quick. I was not expecting this entry to go this way… I guess I can take over for now and get the rest of the thoughts out in one big nutshell. I’m confused about my working situation, healing situation, faith journey, relationships, hell, ALL of it. I overthink the littlest things and let them get to me.

My big floof Dexter always knows when it’s time to comfort me. Little cuddles from Heaven. It’s calming. Holding onto him always grounds me, makes me feel better. It brings the wolves close to the front and the pack is satisfied. I think I need a little break and then we will come back to this. (You won’t even know we’re gone.)

Look at that. Back to our original programming. Let the dissociating commence! My health is another thing that’s been a bother. I’ve been having a lot of discomfort and heartburn. It makes my chest throb and pain shoot to my back. It is triggering to me because a lot of these feelings take me back to binges.

Pops always know when to intervene. When I’m in a funk, some music that reminds me of him comes on. Literally, “Uptown Funk”-Bruno Mars. It’s bringing a smile to my face and tap to my toes. I’m telling you, God is good. Little things are HUGE to me.

I think I’m going to stop here since my mood keeps fluctuating, which makes it difficult to know what to write. Thanks for riding my emotional rollercoaster, garbage cans are to the left in case of motion sickness…

Expectations

I asked a question to my study group today about expectations and I was surprised by all of the responses that I received to it. These women are comfortable enough to come out and acknowledge their unrealistic expectations. This got me thinking about mine.

My mind immediately went to my ex-husband. I expected him to want to change for our family. I expected him to keep me happy, which was so selfish. I expected him to work but fewer hours because I felt alone. I expected him to bring home alcohol every night (that part did happen). I expected he would want to get sober with me (that part did NOT happen.) It makes me look back and think did I just expect too much and when I didn’t see it, did I just give up? Everything was hurting our family. The decision was for the best.

Then my mind went to the expectations of myself. I can already stop myself right here because I will NEVER meet those. They aren’t even within reach and I need to change them immediately. I have always expected way too much of myself to the point I became mentally and physically ill. Certain situations in my life have made these expectations too high. It’s because I was never good enough, or so I thought. I was counting on the wrong person all along. Myself. It should have been God. It is becoming Him now.

Years of thinking this way are not easy to adjust to, but I’m getting there. I expected my drinking to never get out of hand, always controlled. I work like this … I am either one extreme or another. All in or not at all. My addictive lifestyle was all I knew. If I’m not careful, I can make anything my new addiction. I have passions. I have to remember not everything is an “addiction”. I just feel like the saying, “Once an addict, always an addict”, seems so accurate in my life. I feel like I have to moderate everything I do in my life. It’s simply wanting to overindulge in everything I do. Sometimes I truly wish I was not hardwired this way. I’m trying to rewire it all, heart, brain, actions … all of it. I don’t necessarily want to change who I am, that’s impossible, but I want to be a positive version of myself.

Negativity has always been one of the hardest things to overcome in my life. I grew up around it. I don’t want to become a statistic of that. I want to see the positives and be the positive person I always knew I could be. Papa was always my role model, still is. He was one of the most positive people I’d ever met. Patrick reminds me of him.

I loved his upbeat positivity for life, all the way down to the last breath he took. I felt it in my soul when he passed away. I remember sitting in my Government History class in Freshman year and it was around 9:45 am and I said to myself, “It’s okay to let go if you have to Papa…” It was just getting so bad. When I got home Mom said Papa passed, but I already knew. These things have happened to me a lot in my life. Just knowing when things and what things were going to happen. I don’t understand it but I don’t question it. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a little gift.

I’m expecting to try and go to sleep here in a minute but we already know that’s an unrealistic reality. Funny how that works.

Resolving My Future

I can move on. Resolving my case was one of the most satisfying things. I feel so many different changes within that I can’t describe. I feel a calm and peace I’ve never known. I have no urge to touch the bottle again. It makes me sick to my stomach from the way it made me live my life. I’ve awoken and it is so beautiful on the side of the valley. You sure did walk that dark valley for a long time with me, Lord. I finally get to heal and enjoy the green pastures. The chaos is left behind and I only look forward now.

There’s a shift that happened inside and I can feel me again. The girl I used to be, the one I always should’ve been. I buried you so deep down and you’ve finally found your way out. I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of where you’ve come from and where you are going. I’m in love with your relationship with our Father, it’s a blessing in disguise. The journey I am on is only getting better and becoming clearer to me. Praying and talking to You every day only makes my day better. When you talk to me through Scripture, it’s on point and wonderful. This moment in my life is the closest I’ve ever felt to you and I only want it to grow.

I am super dissociated tonight, very spacy. I’m relaxed and I feel like I have no energy. Completely lethargic but at the same time my mind is going. My baby got me a sweet little something and it made me feel so loved. Wanna see?

He knows how to make me feel like the only girl in his world. He is a gift I at first didn’t think I deserved. I know now, we just needed to find each other to make this life seem right. We work. It’s peaceful and love and calm and joy. It’s the complete opposite of what life used to be. It’s simple and true. This is how I pictured life so long ago and I guess the best was saved for last. It’s become a new beginning to happiness. Happiness I never knew. Not like this.

I won’t take for granted what the Lord has given to me. He’s helping me heal relationships and show me the truth. I was so blind. I don’t know why it had to take this long to figure it all out but it was worth it. Tough love from a Father who loves me so much. I was so closed off, not anymore. I don’t want to be locked up inside. I can finally breathe. Self-sabotage no longer has a home within me. It broke off and the feeling is not there anymore. It’s been so long, this restoration happened at just the right time in my life. Timing is perfect. I don’t know what I need for my life, but you do. I trust my life in your hands.