Admittance

The way I’ve been feeling emotions lately have been more intense than usual to say the least. I am sensitive to many things and I’m working on not letting things get to me so much. Other’s intentions are never as bad as what my own mind makes them out to be. I assume, which we all know what that does. I feel like quitting on myself and I start to question my worth. Why, after all these positive baby steps forward in my life, do I feel like I still don’t have anything to offer? At all. I do. I am a big ball of potential worth and I can feel it sometimes greater than other times.

Right now I feel happy (synthetically) because genuine happiness I haven’t come by in a very long time. I don’t want to have to smoke something or take anything to make me feel the happiness I should be feeling without those things. As bad as I want them. Last night was the first time in a long time I just went to bed without any way of helping me to sleep. Once I finally did get to sleep the nightmares were so intense that when I got shook awake from one, I tried not to go back to sleep. I cried out to God and asked him to take these horrible thoughts from me. I was having dreams again like when I would be coming off a binge. I was frightened and wanted to hear the insiders calm me. I begged and pleaded. When I would start to hear someone soothe me, I’d be out again. The process starts all over again.

Defeat is a feeling that plagues my actions. If I feel less than, I just want to give up for the rest of the day. As soon as I feel bad, I quit. There was a time before everything where I wouldn’t quit but now it’s as easy as turning off a switch. I’m a strong woman and these insecurities and evil thoughts are not going to conquer me. I found this on my phone last night, unsure of who wrote it, but I want to share it.

I feel shattered yet beautifully pieced back together in a stained glass sort of way. Except not enough that you couldn’t see the licks of hellfire from down below. Your light illuminates my insecurities and flaws as you dig deep into my hopes and dreams. You come at me when I’m the happiest, content, full of want of desires and needs that could be fulfilling. You send them all up in smoke and try to take me right down with you. I feel you creep over me and try to take a hold of my insides and twist until you’ve rung me out and drop me to my knees. I look up and see you with your sick grin, smiling right back at me, taunting and ridiculing me. You want me to accept defeat. I am not so easily shaken as I have stared you in the eyes too many times to count. I recognize you like an old friend that in which you are only my enemy. I steady myself, placing my feet firmly on the ground and straighten my morals. I will not be dragged back down to hell with you. My joy rides to the darkness end now. I will no longer play your games and entertain your ideas of a good time. No more. I will not stand for thinking I am not good enough when God has equipped me with vast knowledge of the truth. Stay away from me, I’m no longer a slave to your hardships. I am free from your lies because my Father tells me I am worthy of greatness and potentials, far more than I could even imagine. You think you have won? Don’t make me laugh. How does it feel when sarcasm escapes my lips and puts you right back in your place? Scum of the earth you fell and scum of the earth you shall forever remain. I am not so easily overcome. You should know this by now.

I know I’ve been through a lot of rough and horrible times in my life. It’s very well thought out because I know the feelings of defeat from darkness. I used to embrace it. I remember at one point in my life saying I felt like the dark has succumb me and I’m okay with that. It’s scary when you decide to let evil win. I was also a cocaine junky during that time so of course I wanted to be promiscuous and I didn’t care who I hurt in the process as long as I benefited from it. I made sure to date the dealers so I could have it all for free. I didn’t pay for anything that much in my wild years. I could swim in it for all they cared as long as I put out for them or didn’t show jealousy in a threesome. Never mattered to me, I was there for the drugs and good time.

I look now at myself and I see her, still. I see her smirk in the mirror when she is thinking too highly of herself. Noticing that she is still obtainable and could still get exactly what she wants. I don’t like her but I get a rush of adrenaline and a warmth only the thought of doing sinful things brings. Oh everything that’s wrong feels amazing, there’s no getting around that. We are dangers to ourselves but at least some of us have limitations to how far we are willing to go. Some consequences we don’t know until later on in life when it shows up unexpectedly. There’s been A LOT of past coming back for me lately and it’s almost tempting to just slip into the familiarity of it and become content in it. Those feelings make me wonder why I’m so calm to accept them once more.

Evil feels good. Being good is boring. Sometimes I wonder if I am just faking everything so I can think I’m living the way I should be. All too often when I know I’m not supposed to be doing something, I think, “Good. This is really what I want.” It’s tough learning from your mistakes and only you can truly change if you so desire. My question is this at the moment, “Do I really though?” As tempting as it sounds, No. I don’t. But to have to ask the question just makes me wonder who I really am.

Nonsensical

This week is going by as quickly as I expected it to. I’m still wanting to rush everything to get back down there and I know I’m going to regret all of this. Eddie needs to be close to his Dad and I believe this to be true. He needs him in his life and I don’t want to keep him from Jonathan. I know everyone else wants something else but damnit, he’s my son. If I have to mama bear some situations it’s just the way it’ll have to be. As much as I want to do things my way, I know God has the final say in this decision. He’ll let me know when we go to mediate the situation just what’s going to happen. My only concern in which I will bring up is that I don’t trust him not to drink and drive with Eddie. It’s happened too many times to count and I won’t have it.

My mind feels like it’s being torn into two completely different directions at the moment and it’s not clear as to what I actually want. Here is where I can sit back and assess what’s going on. He is sober at the moment and being the man I fell in love with and it’s making me feel close to him. That’s what the abused mind thinks. It’s only a matter of time before he goes on his next binge, it’s not worth it. That’s what the healing portion understands. This behavior hasn’t changed in 3 or so years now. What makes me have any shred of hope that I hold onto? Yearning for the good times won’t necessarily bring it back, it’s just a want, not a reality.

I keep comparing. Finding the pros and cons in both. The sober man is my dream relationship because everything is already neatly placed. We are similar in almost every way and that’s where I believe we fail. I also don’t know how to stay committed and I’m afraid for any relationship I go after. I’m pretty sure I’m the one who is broken. I love too much and too hard. I almost feel like I just need an in person best chick friend. Lord knows I’ll take that too far as well. Not everyone would understand that part of me, especially my family. It’s none of my concern and I won’t stop being the being I am. It’s hard being a multiple. Some of the wants are totally NOT my own.

I don’t want to hurt anybody. I almost feel like I can’t hurt my own feelings because I have pride that I can be with whoever I need if it came down to it. I have no fear of being alone because of all the interest I get shown from all over the place. Whether it’s toxic or not. I don’t understand exactly where this part of me comes from. Is it because I know how to get my way? Is it because I have this ability to make men and women alike fall in love with me? It’s been this way my whole life. I don’t go searching for it, just kinda falls into my lap unexpectedly and then I just roll with it.

I think what I’m doing here is putting up a wall again unbenounced to me by a few of my insiders. I’m uncertain what I want and it’s putting my heart on high alert and guard. I can’t let anyone in as I want to right now because someone will end up getting hurt. You guessed it, by me. I’m sorry I’m so messed up but as much as I apologize you will never understand. No one will. I feel like we just use people to try and find a happiness we can only really give to ourselves. No one wants to do life alone. I would be fine never to get married again. It’s just a document that says we are together. I can proclaim it through my own lips. I don’t understand anymore the wonderful joys of marriage and it’s sad it’s come to this. I couldn’t care less.

I’m not sure who is coming to bring all of this up and out, so forgive me if it doesn’t sound like myself. I’m honestly surprised at what’s being typed out. Who am I? I honestly do not know who I am. I don’t know what I like, what I want, who I want. What the F is happening right now? It’s like nothing matters to me right now. Not even myself or I’d be able to say who this is. I also feel floaty. I’m pretty sure I’m going through something that I can’t put my finger on.

I’m listening to Stone Sour and it makes me feel content and familiar. I’m letting the music take over me and bring a happy warmth throughout my whole body. When everybody else lets me down, music always has my back to bring me into whatever feeling I’m possessing at the moment. There’s nothing like some Corey Taylor to soothe my aching soul. He is my go-to. If I could go after someone, it would be him in a heartbeat. There are so many thing I’d do to that man that he does to me through his beautiful voice. I really want to get his book, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven: (Or, How I Made Peace with the Paranormal and Stigmatized Zealots and Cynics in the Process). I love long titles. Maybe I’ll buy that one and that’ll be the first book I read in my new office/room. I really want a mini library in my room. With the shelving that’s in there I don’t think that would be too hard. I just need to get some of my books from my old house. I love my books.

I think we’ve come to the conclusion I am an “all over the place” type of gal. I’m not sure how many times I’ve stated that but I don’t really care. Go figure. Ha. I keep thinking about how I want to do up my room. I’ve got a nice daybed and lavender sheets and I need to look and find a comforter I’d want for myself. Hmm. Maybe I’ll do that right now. I don’t know what look I’m going for to be honest. I love my wolves. I might lean towards that. Now I’m just trying to pull things out to talk about. Enjoy my ramblings.

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Depressed. Content? Mindless. Numb? Proud. Skeptical? A whole lot. That’s really how I’m feeling right now. Today was the beginning of our small groups. It rocked my world when I woke up to 40+ Facebook notifications. It was almost too overwhelming to handle right after waking up. God answers prayers. Let me be a living example. When I asked him to please put women in my life that I can be relatable to, he more than filled up my cup.

I’ve had two confess of childhood trauma and not the best environment growing up. Some who want healing and to build relationships with other women in Christ. Disney fans all around, one who actually worked for them. Beautiful writers and creative flows in other crafting hobbies. My best friend, no one can top that. It’s fascinating the women God placed under my delicate care and to walk in a faith journey with. He has his reasons and I won’t argue in the least with him. Even if I had an inner battle of pride, which is frowned upon. I really think I’m going to be encouraged by these women and maybe we can all “heal” together during this time together.

I had a moment where I felt outdone and wasn’t sure how to handle the emotions I was feeling. I went through the insecurities of thinking, “How am I even in this position. They don’t need me.” I feel unqualified but you know who else felt that way? Moses. He asked for the Lord to pick someone else, someone more qualified. Little did he know he had a voice and he learned how to use it again and he did some amazing things. The people you never think he would choose are sometimes the most capable in this life. Some people have a natural knack for it, but I wouldn’t have been chosen if I wasn’t meant for greatness. If God placed me into the ministry, I must have some significance that can therefore push others to want to do the same. This didn’t happen because I wanted to, I was pushed, and God opened my door and it was a shock to all my senses.

When I get into fits I’ve been going to worship music and my Bible. God led me to the first page I opened to and there was my answer. Granted, this does not happen every time, but there it was. The humility he graced me with in that moment made me flush with a feeling I only get when I know he is guiding me somewhere. It’s a feeling I’ve never felt before and the closer I get to the Lord in relation, the stronger it becomes when I find these little nuggets of gold. He is remarkable and captivates me time and time again. It’s becoming easier and easier to come to him first. I then talk to my mentor because I know she is someone he would find pleasure in me conversing with over anything in my life. Especially when it comes to my ladies.

Another thing that is driving me mad, the fact that You always have the perfect things to say in all of my situations. I don’t understand how You know what I need to hear when no one else has known me like You do. When I’m stuck, hurt, frantic, needing reassurance. There you are, waiting to be my comfort and voice of reason. Literally, I hear you in my head and it’s almost shocking sometimes when Lyle speaks. Why? Because I think it’s you whispering to me, I just miss you so much. Our minds are flippin wild. #SystemLife

I’m not so much feeling negativity tonight but I also can’t wait to lose myself in the inner world tonight. I look forward to it. It’s a place to go when everything else in this world doesn’t seem right. It’s safe. Away from the negativity that piles onto mine. I don’t need anymore, world. So please, stop.

I look back on my life and wonder how I got here. Does it really matter anymore? No going back, only to move forward. What decisions will I make tomorrow that will affect my life 2 years from now? I don’t want to do anything anymore to hinder my growth. I’ve fallen back too many times and I’m feeling like it’s my time to shine. For real. I couldn’t honestly say that to you a year ago. Pieces keep falling into place and it’s making something beautiful, finally. I’ve waited for this my whole life. I want to experience a genuine happiness I’ve searched for since I can remember.

Now let me cuddle up in your warm embrace and keep me safe. Don’t let anyone or anything hurt me again. I know your promises are durable, you shown me more than I could ever imagine and for that, I am blessed.

What Just Happened Here?

What’s on my mind, you ask? So glad you want to know. Feelings of entrapment. Knowing I can’t get into my car and just go. Oh I hate when this feeling rears its’ ugly little head. I feel like I couldn’t go anywhere without judgement if I tried. I feel stuck in my life. I feel not my age, at all. Age sliding is a symptom and it happens a fair amount. I just have a feeling it’s going to intensify once I am in Florida. I understand while going through the motions of my F’ed up life it’s wonderful for family to be my biggest supporter. There are plenty of reasons as to why I am thankful for them. I am trying my hardest to be respectful, grateful, and happy as I can. Problem there? It’s not that easy to say, “I’m going to be happy about my life,” and then do it. It’s not possible for me. I’m not going to pretend I am happy for a minute when I’m not.

I feel like I’ve done it all to myself and so I beat me up and a lot of the times internally. There is a lot of hate floating around up top and I get a lot of horrible intrusive thoughts at night when I lay down. I try to concentrate on my fan but that’s when I get it the loudest. I feel like when I have white noise I can hear better. I am so confused still about everything this disorder has to offer. Safety is probably one of the best things but it doesn’t silence the hate I still receive from my own damned self.

I want to be dependently independent. How the F does that even make sense? In my mind it just does. If I could run away I would in a heartbeat. I am a flight in the fight, flight, freeze, fawn scenario. If I can just get away from the bad situation I can cope and let myself figure it all out. I can’t be face to face with it or I panic and then I freeze in that instance. It’s funny because when I don’t know what to do, when I’m with You, I freeze. I let you have your way and I enjoy every single minute of it. It’s the only time I can freeze and feel safe. I’ve never had that kind of safety before in my life. Something is just so different about You. I just have this feeling deep down I’m going to come back and this is all going to flare up in my face, getting back to the situation at hand. You are my escape. When I’m with you, nothing and nobody mean a damn thing in this world. Selfish as that may sound, it’s the truth.

I know I’m a selfish person. I don’t like to share people too well. I get jealous very easily and only have I finally started to ease off from it. I have been rejected so much that when I have someone who wants to make me their whole world, I become attached. Then when I see I’m not the center of attention, I start to wonder what I did wrong. Am I just a spec in their eye? Here today, gone tomorrow. We as humans are so disposable it’s almost scary. Another one comes along and can easily take their place as long as it’s allowed. I’m bored of this human, time to find another one to fulfill my needs. You’re lacking in this area, time to find someone else who can replace that missing piece. I told you, I’m negative.

So where to go from here? I’m not certain. I feel like I’m being pulled down into quicksand and I am just thrashing around in it so it’ll suck me down already. Take me out. Then would I truly be free? No. I wouldn’t. My luck, I’d drop down into a tar pit and lay there stuck and become one with it. I don’t want to become complacent, I don’t want to just “go with the flow,” I want to stand up, brush off my woes and move forward. So what in the actual F is holding me back? I haven’t been able to understand what is keeping me from moving forward. Is it the fact I’m not even filed for divorce yet? Is it the fact I don’t have my car because my lovely husband F’ed that up too? Is it I don’t have a license nor the money to even begin to drive with a non-F’ing existent car? Is it because I don’t have an actual paying job? Is it because I’m FUCKING 31 and living with my parents because I couldn’t get my SHIT together and now I’m a failure? Or is it because I’m an adulterer who wants it her way or nothing at all? Maybe that’s it. How about the fact that you slumped your whole life and decided to be carried by every man that came into your life? Oh there we go, maybe it’s because you can’t live without a man to tend to the needs of your royal highness. Maybe the fact that you thought having a child would make all this so much better. Or could it be because you wouldn’t stop drinking and now have stomach pain every day? Is it the fact you won’t see a doctor because you probably have something horrible and rotten inside you eating away at you? Oh, I know, it’s the fact that you LOVE throwing pity parties because you won’t do anything about your situations because you run from every one of them, hold it down deep inside and then explode when the pressure becomes to much. Welcome to DID, glad you’re here, now take a number and wait to front. This body doesn’t just belong to you anymore but every insecurity, every problem you never faced, all the hurt and disrespect you’ve endured, the rape that happened more than you are aware, the way you used people to get what you needed, you junky. These words every single one of them, you know where they come from? All the things you’ve suppressed deep down inside for so long and now, you don’t know how to handle any of them. Thank the Lord above we are here for you now. You’d be dead if it wasn’t for us.

That hurt.

I’m not sure what just happened there.

I feel empty inside now.

Hitting Pause

It’s group loading day for small groups and I am supposed to be so super excited about everything and just ready to go, right? So why so I feel the most depressed I have in a long time? This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. Right? I can’t even figure out what I’m trying to get at. My past is creeping back into my life in little ways and certain wants and needs are plaguing my mind and it really throws up a red flag. I finally have a place in a community that accepts me but why do I still feel alienated? I don’t fit in. I am so the opposite of the person I believe should be doing what I’m doing. I honestly feel like an imposter.

So yea, I didn’t know that these were going to be the feelings on my first day of groups. I wouldn’t have thought I’d be wanting to be back on here complaining about small things that shouldn’t get to me, but they do. I pour my heart and soul into these things but I don’t know whether or not I will make the cut with some of these ladies. A lot of times the older women don’t care for the younger ones and my taste in worship music is very .. well.. heavy metal. Not something ladies over 40 are going to want to experience. Oh man. What is wrong with me? Why am I being so negative? I just needed my place to come and spill my worries and insecurities.

I am such a negative person. As positive as I force myself to be, I know what I truly am. I know what I’ll always truly be. I can continue being the wolf in sheep’s clothing because I feel like I’ve been pinned good by it. As I lead these women in the living word, the gospel, I’m still letting myself do so many things that go against what I preach. I don’t want to change it because I don’t want him out of my life. I hate our damned dirty hearts. I keep thinking about in a week and a half I can run into his arms and know I can see him whenever I want. I know when I’m having a bad day he will hold me and kiss away the pain. I want to know what it’s like to be in love and loved for all of my flaws not just the mask I wear to disguise it all.

This music is ridiculous that I’m listening to. I’m trying to hype myself up and listen to positive vibes and it’s making me laugh. Some of the things I used to listen to as a youngin blows my mind. Makes me want to go back to simpler times and just figure out which basic white girl spritzer I’m going to smell like today. Ugh.

Oh goodness. I knew that once I started to write this good things would start to happen. I’ve got two ladies in my group that are Disney annual passholders like myself. Disney people make me SO HAPPY. I have become one of the biggest and it just makes my littles go crazy. I’m feeling a switch coming on and it’s awesome because she needed out today. I’ve missed you Candace. She was the first one who made contact with me when I figured out everything and knew exactly what was going on. She is so sweet and kind and takes care of our littles. Makes sense thinking about them and Disney. She also loves this song I’m listening to.

I couldn’t get enough of this song and learned every word to it. We had a lot of iCarly fans and literally balled our eyes out when the last episode aired. It was heartbreaking. It was a comfort to watch during really horrible times in our life and took me out of the real world for a little while. My husband who was my boyfriend at the time would watch it with me and hold me a sooth me when I was having episodes. Where did that all go? Why did this have to happen? It’s nothing I ever wanted to happen. I’m losing my mind thinking about going through it and losing what we had together. As much as I love him, I am no longer in love with him. That’s something I can’t live with. I also can’t live with an alcoholic who doesn’t put our son or myself first or want the best for all of us. I want him back, but he doesn’t want him back apparently. So that train left the station about a year ago and I’m not looking back. It derailed and blew up in smoke, there were no survivors. Sadie tried to hold on, but she isn’t my biggest fan. So. There’s that.

My mind honestly does this. My emotions are not stable at this time and it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with. I’m over it but there’s so much left to be done..

Son’s Downtime

So I decided to ask Eddie random questions because I figured he’d enjoy it, right? Here are the results. 😁

Dog or cat? Dog. Sorry Frank (Our cat)
Pirate or Ninja? Ninjaaaa
Banana or Orange? Orange
Plum or Pear? Pear
Orange or Red? Red
Sonic or Mario? Sonic
Beach or Mountains? Beach
Soda or Pop? Pop!
Superhero or Villain? Villain
Sunny or Cloudy? Cloudy
Spongebob or Patrick? Patrick
M&Ms or Skittles? M&Ms
Stars or Moon? Moon
Wolf or Fox? Fox
Mickey or Minnie? Minnie
Woody or Buzz? Buzz
Mike Wazowski or James P Sullivan? Mike Wazowski!
Deadpool or Slade? Deadpool
Joker or Harley? Harley
Shorts or Pants? Shorts
Disney or Nickelodeon? Disney
TV Shows or Movies? Movies
What is your favorite shape? Rectangle
What’s your favorite letter? E
What’s your favorite word that starts with the letter E? Eddie…
What’s your favorite fruit? Apple
What’s your favorite vegetable? Corn
What’s your favorite thing to do in the Summer? ”The sun…” Me: ”What?” Eddie: ”That’s just the way the cookie crumbles…” Me: ”Okay, Forky.”
What’s your favorite Disney + show? Muppet Babies

E: ”Mom, can you be quiet?” Me: ”Yes, baby…” E: ”It’s Eddie!!”

He is not amused. 🤣 I love my fox 🦊

Image may contain: Betsy Clark, selfie and closeup
I love my sweet man ❤

Mindless Downtime

1. Dog or Cat? Dog

2. Netflix or YouTube? YouTube

3. Phone Call or Text? Text

4. Toast or Eggs? Eggs

5. Cardio or Weights? Cardio

6. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook

7. Ice Cream Cone or Snow Cone? Ice Cream Cone

8. Mobile Games or Console Games? Console, Playstation

9. While walking: Music or Podcasts? Music

10. iOS or Android? iOS

11. Form or Function? Function

12. Pop or Indie? Pop

13. Cake or Pie? Pie

14. Swimming or Sunbathing? Swimming

15. High-tech or Low-tech? High-tech

16. Big Party or Small Gathering? Small Gathering

17. New Clothes or New Phone? New Clothes

18. Rich Friend or Loyal Friend? Loyal Friend

19. Football or Basketball? To watch: Football – To play: Basketball

20. Work Hard or Play Hard? Work Hard

21. Nice Car or Nice Home Interior? Nice Home Interior

22. What’s worse: Laundry or Dishes? Dishes

23. Jogging or Hiking? Hiking

24. Bath or Shower? Shower

25. Sneakers or Sandals? Sneakers, Converse.

26. Glasses or Contacts? Contacts

27. Hamburger or Taco? Taco

28. Couch or Recliner? Couch

29. Online Shopping or Shopping in a Store? Online Shopping

30. Receive: Email or Letter? Email

31. Passenger or Driver? Passenger

32. Tablet or Computer? Laptop

33. Most important in a partner: Intelligent or Funny? Funny

34. Car or Truck? Car

35. Blue or Red? Red

36. Money or Free Time? Free Time

37. Amusement Park or Day at the Beach? Amusement Park

38. At a movie: Candy or Popcorn? Popcorn

39. Pen or Pencil? Pen

40. Toilet paper: Over or Under? Over

41. Cups in the cupboard: Right Side Up or Upside Down? Right Side Up

42. Pancake or Waffle? Waffle

43. Coke or Pepsi? Coke

44. Coffee Cup or Thermos? Coffee Cup

45. Blinds or Curtain? Curtain

46. Train or Plane? Plane

47. Phone or Phablet? Phone

48. Iced Coffee or Hot Coffee? Iced Coffee

49. Meat or Vegetables? Meat, altho I like an all veggie meal from time to time.

50. International Vacation or a New TV? International Vacation

51. Save or Spend? Save

52. Honesty or Other’s Feelings? Honesty

53. Coffee or Tea? This is difficult. Coffee in the morning. Tea in the evening.

54. TV or Book? Book

55. Movie at Home or Movie at the Theater? Movie at Home

56. Ocean or Mountains? Mountains

57. Horror Movie or Comedy Movie? Comedy Movie

58. City or Countryside? Countryside

59. Winter or Summer? Winter

60. Mac or PC? PC

61. Console Gaming or PC Gaming? Console Gaming

62. Soup or Sandwich? Soup

63. Card Game or Board Game? Board Game

64. Classical Art or Modern Art? Modern Art

65. Beer or Wine? Whisky

66. Camping or Binge Watching Shows at Home? Binge Watching Shows at Home

67. Working Alone or Working in a Team? Working in a Team (Always doing that anyway)

68. Dine In or Delivery? Dine In

69. Sweater or Hoodie? Hoodie

70. Comic Book or Comic Strips? Comic Strips

71. Motorcycle or Bicycle? Motorcycle

72. Book or eBook? Book

73. When sleeping: Fan or No Fan? Fan or Two.

74. Ninjas or Pirates? Pirates

75. TV Shows or Movies? TV Shows

I’m sorry this is yet again so simple and not original. I’m doing a lot right now and sometimes these mindless little “this or that” helps to just take some downtime. Turn the mind down a notch. I totally get why we do icebreakers in our groups because sometimes you need a break. My life just needs a break. I can’t wait to get moved down so I can take a break before another big step in my life. Y’all take care now.

Update

Update: Our house sold in one day. We had 9 showings, 4 offers, and that was that. How absolutely absurd. The market is obviously not slowing down. I am just in shock that it sold as quickly as it did. The Lord has the most perfect timing and the plans I never could see coming. I was also able to get Eddie a new doctor and appointment as soon as we get down there for school. I mean, this is all working so simplistically and I am so blessed.

Everything is moving quicker than I expected and now it’s crunch time. We have the majority of what can be packed so it’s pretty much the weekend to pack up the two trailers and head down. I also have my bible study group pre-loaded with everything to go and that starts the 22nd. I just got done creating the template for the first day. I want to plan to have at least 3 posts per day. Something for the morning, afternoon, and evening. I want everyone to get the most out of the study as we can provide.

My group is already to 20 women and I am just ecstatic about it all. I’ve equally got 10 returning and 10 new, so it might not be as quiet as I’m expecting it to be. I’ve been told summer studies are a bit slower because it’s the “down time” of the year. Although 2020 has been a pretty good bit of “summer statis” so far anyway. I just pray God gives me the tools to be a voice for the ministry and really bring something to the table for everyone.

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” –1 Peter 5:10 ESV

Chit-Chat

There are things that we come across in our lives that we love and know we will never get rid of even if there are holes worn in the legs or tears in the sleeves. Those little treasures that make us happy, secure and safe. I have looked far and wide for a pair of plaid red, pink, and black pj pants with pockets and came from Walmart, I’d say around 2004. They were the most comfortable pair of pj pants I’ve ever owned and haven’t been able to find a pair since. They were so torn it wasn’t salvageable. Strange way to start an entry, I know, but I was thinking about things that bring me comfort again because I haven’t been feeling good.

I’ve been nauseated on and off for about three days now and it’s so subtle that it’s almost irritating. Pepto has become my best friend and interrupted sleep has become my enemy. I just want to feel at my best because we are nearing the last few weeks of being in this house and I want to not be useless. It’s so bittersweet. The majority of things are packed away that can be. Basic necessities and the like are what we keep out to entertain ourselves. The realtor comes by Tuesday to sign some paperwork and get the sign in the front yard. My Mom, strong as she is, has really pushed herself to get everything prepared for our venture back to Florida. She is such a role model and I love her very much.

I’m not so nervous about the small group anymore. I can confidently say that I made my welcome video for my group and I’m proud of myself for setting a goal that I completed. Being on camera is a major trigger and being able to be comfortable enough to speak to 20 or so ladies without ever meeting a one (besides my best friend, Em) is something to be proud of. I did have help from a couple insiders, Autumn and Lyle. Kudos to them for being patient enough with me. I don’t think I would’ve been able to pull through. I also finished the book finally. It took me a little while but it’s just a book that has to be read in sections. It has a lot of information in it and can get lost so it’s easier to take my time. It ended up being really good and I did get something valuable from it. I sure hope my ladies do too.

Now I can start preparing questions and other fun things to enjoy with them. I just want them to feel led and informed by me through Christ. That’s all I honestly ask. I want to continue to pray to the Lord and ask him to place the wisdom, knowledge, and encouragement I know I’ve got in me to proceed successfully with this study. I am a beautiful daughter of the Lord and I will disciple to the best of my abilities, what he provides me with.

I had different thoughts that have been running through my head recently and it’s nice to just get out the randomness from time to time. This is how I am most of the time. It’s very scrambled and topics are never stuck to. The disorganization of this blog sometimes makes me wonder. It’s okay though, all of us together, it’s what makes me the person I am. I feel whole when I’ve got my insiders by my side. I’m really digging the new nickname. (Check you out, Bets. Good job. -Gus)

I’m trying to think now of another thing I wish I had. Oh, right. When I was in high school and I went to go visit my friend, Melinda, in Indiana (where I’m originally from) I met one of her friends. He was a huge fan of KoRn, as was I, and had this awesome black hoodie with KoRn written in huge black letters on the front. Black on black, what can I say. I can’t remember his name for the life of me but we connected right off the bat. It was a cold night kinda later in the year and we were sitting around one of JD’s infamous bonfires and I was shaking pretty bad. He took off his hoodie and gave it to me to wear and kissed me. I was shocked but it was nice and he held me the rest of the time, bonus. Being a 13-year-old it was a big deal.

Needless to say that was the only time I saw him before I left to go back down to Florida and took the sweater with me. I wore that thing until it had holes and looked ragged. Mom ended up cutting the name of the band out of the front and throwing it away and I was enraged. My boyfriend, Daniel, at the time was shocked when she threw it at me when we were in my room. Thank God she didn’t come in until after the handjob or that would’ve been awkward. Teenagers are horny little thangs, aren’t they? I remember when Daniel would wear my hoodie around school and when he’d return it the smell of him made my panties melt. So of course it was a sad day when I had to say goodbye to it.

Enough story time for today. I’ve got Tracker pretty co-conscious with me at the moment so I know what that means. Time to hop off here, have a quick smoke break, and talk to You. We both fancy You and you’ve never had a problem hearing what we both want the next time we meet. All I know is my birthday is only two Saturday’s after the weekend we move. Lucky 7/11 baby and you know we about to get lucky. Night y’all -Tracker/Betsy

Refresher

Fresh starts are easier to come by these days than not. Normally I’m in ruts but my life has taken a turn for the better, or so sees the “cup half full” part of me. I have been preparing to lead my small group and it’s a big mix of emotions. I am someone who gets frustrated easily if I can’t figure out something simple. I have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate my thinking. If I don’t there’s no helping me that day. Go to bed, start fresh the next day.

The majority is finished, I just have to do a spin off of the welcome speech and decide if I want to keep it a warm and written one or attempt to make a video. My mentor and sister in God has inspired me to give this YouTube thing a try. I’ve been getting a little more comfortable in Zoom meetings and talking over video chat. I have confidence, I know it’s in there in the forms of many others, but I need help from them. I want to show a “no fear” mentality but being on camera triggers me. I have to feel like I’m talking to a good friend if I’m going to attempt this welcome speech for the ladies.

I know for a fact I have to mentally prepare for this so I’m going to get up early tomorrow, clean myself up, and try. To keep the pressure off, I know it’s not mandatory. It’s just to add a little spice to the party if I decide I’m ready to. Lord knows I can write up the script and make it sound pretty amazing. I pride myself on the ability to work with words. It’s familiar, comfortable, and us. I can’t take credit for a lot because there are tons of us who like to write and express ourselves when we feel the urge. That’s why it’s tough to be able to share this blog because it can prove to be controversial. Not necessarily all topics need to be heard by others. Hence why I use this as a theraputic outlet and not to entertain anyone.

We cleaned out our room today and it’s pretty empty. I think the realization of the move is starting to have an effect on us. It’s exhausting mentally for some reason. I’m having a hard time enjoying things I find comfort in because I’m worried about everything else. It’s hard to concentrate, thus the reason this blog hasn’t been shown too much love lately. I hate it. I did this for a purpose and a reason that’s greater than my own. I feel I need to be more dedicated to it but I also don’t want to produce burn out. I am very bad at doing that quickly. It’s why I hardly ever stick to anything. Which also makes me wonder if agreeing to being a leader for 6 months was a good idea. I know it’s just because I don’t want to fail or lose enjoyment.

I also think I’m nervous because I’m almost on a streak of enjoyment and not losing my interest quickly. There may have been several changes that I’m going to have to learn about and just let happen. I think because I’ve found my passions again, I don’t ever want them to be taken away again. I know how drugs and alcohol have that possessive response and can suck the life out of me in an instant. That’s something I can no longer let have control of my life. Certain someone’s just have to understand that now.

I’m very excited to get this move going. The realtor comes by tomorrow and our house down in Florida is already ready to move into. All we have to do is finish packing the little bit we have left and get this house on the market. It’s nice we don’t have to stay while it sells. Our move date is the weekend of June 27th, the end of the first week of our small groups and bible study. It’s a lot of pressure. I’m so thankful to have Victoria to help me out when things become hectic, as I would always do the same for her. I’m nervous. There’s just a lot and I keep finding that God is showing me that everything is going to turn out just fine. He’s good like that.

Thank God for an amazing ministry of women who love and are so helpful, my family and friends who are always there for me when I can’t be there for myself, and You. The reassurance you’ve given me has finally put me into a place of peace and I can continue to live out the plan made specifically for me.