So Long September

I have extreme pain in my lower back and legs all the time. I have fibro flares all of the time and then it mixes with the ulcers in my esophagus and stomach. So I soothe myself with Naproxen and Tramadol. Sucralfate helps the throbbing and pain from ulcers. I’ve noticed lately that I start to feel good on my pain med and then decide if I take one more, I’ll feel even better and synthetically happier. That’s how I know I’m an addict through and through. I have that addictive personality anyway, so, I never put it past myself.

I’m telling myself to just chill out and enjoy the moment I’m in with minimal pain and instrumental jazz in the background. It made me want to write. Any chance I get when I feel like spewing words, I do it. I love it yet don’t do it like I used to.

Today has been so breezy and beautiful because of the tropical storm we ended up with for one day. I will take it. I’m going on a walk around the neighborhood tonight with my son, we could both use it. Disconnect and reconnect with nature. More soothing for the soul, I’m all for it. It’s just nice to have a fall day in sunny Saint Augustine, Florida.

Maple coffee this morning tasted sweeter and writing posts for my small group was relaxing. I love when there is just enough chill for a light sweater. I am a hoodie gal. I have so many. I am not a warm weather person, go figure.

Patrick ordered us apple watches, both a really pretty forest green. I found a Fox and the Hound face for the watch, it’s so cute. I love Disney dogs and animals so much. I just want to surround myself with them. I can’t wait to have my own dog again, it’s really hard living with my family while we wait for our apartment to open up. We’ve still got a couple months before that. I just miss decorating and all of that fun stuff is in our storage unit.

I’ve made sure I have plenty of candles and wax cubes for it to be esthetically pleasing. I’m loving the Pumpkin Waffle candle and Mystic Fog, that one smells like rice crispy treats. Yum. Sweet treats that I don’t need to eat. We bought these mini donuts at WalMart knowing that was such a bad move. They are so cute though and Eddie will love them in the morning with coffee. My sweet boy is just like his Mommy.

This is my happiness. I am blessed with such a fun, caring, and compassionate child. He is a saving grace in my life.

Hurricane Haps

Living off the upper east coast of Florida, we did not endure what all the newscasters said we would. It always seems to be over-exaggerated. We had minimal wind and just a constant flow of rain. Nothing dire. It’s already moving off the coast so tomorrow should be back to normal.

This did give me a chance to read a book all the way through. “Verity” by Colleen Hoover. I highly recommend this read. I couldn’t put it down and if I didn’t have a sporadic 7-year-old, I would’ve read it through one sitting, not two. Her writing is fantastic. Sometimes I wish I could just sit down and write something worth reading. I never have the motivation. Such is my life.

It’s been very chill, the way I like it. I don’t go back to work until Saturday, which is nice. My son was given Wednesday and the rest of the week off. He was very excited and nervous about it. They put some fear into the poor boy before he got home that day. It really pissed me off. He seemed to calm knowing that we keep the deep purple black-out curtains closed during storms of any kind. It just makes the room cozier. I have a red lamp that sits atop our nightstand and colored lights on my mirror. During the day we keep a soft warm lamp on, nothing too harsh on the eyes. I can’t stand cold lighting. It makes me cringe.

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning over telehealth. I’m coming off of Seroquel (thank God) and going onto a new Bipolar medication called Vraylar. I guess we shall see how that goes. As long as it doesn’t make my anxiety spike and constantly exhausted, it should be fine. I’m having a hard time dealing with intrusive thoughts and it affects me to no end. It was becoming a problem and I already had the thought at work that I wanted to quit and I just started. I have NO confidence in myself whatsoever.

I love working with dogs but I just feel so out of the loop myself that it’s making it unenjoyable. That scares me. I’ve never had an issue with that before. I want to get on this medication asap.

Nothing brings me joy anymore. It’s far and few between. I feel guilty asking for sex. I don’t feel attractive anymore. I wonder if he is thinking of others before me when we are. It’s taking pleasure right out of it. I hate the way I think in this relationship. It’s like I don’t trust at all. I have my reasons, they are there, I’ve read them. It’s probably because of the stupid shit that I’ve done because I was so fucking broken when he met me. I am furious with myself. I’m furious for breaking so much trust so hard and fast and constantly. I don’t know how he loves me. I can’t even love myself. I would never settle for me, I’m not my type.

I’m overreacting and these thoughts are just what I think, they aren’t factual at all. I just make them fact in my mind and then I make myself so anxious I get sick. I need to stop overthinking everything. He is a good man and he loves so much. He cares about people and what they go through and I wish I could be that way. I’m so selfish. I stopped talking to my friends because they really weren’t friends, they were just bad influences who fueled my addictions making me a bad influence. I cut off all contact with any man because I don’t want anyone else and it makes no sense to me to continue. It never ends well and that goes for both parties.

It gets messy and then feelings start and it’s just not okay. I fucking HATE IT. I’m so angry right now and this is what the medication is doing, it’s bringing out a side of me I absolutely want to crush and take out completely. You treat others how you treat yourself is a quote from a book we are reading for our online bible study. I see it. I don’t trust myself so I trust no one, not even Patrick. That’s not right. I have major mental issues and I know I need to talk to someone but I don’t, I have no motivation to. It just makes me realize how fucked up I truly am. It’s hard to admit but it’s true.

This life is shit. We are living in a hell I don’t want to be a part of anymore. The day I die couldn’t come sooner. These are the thoughts that make me know that I am not okay.

Update Time

I can’t believe it’s been since the beginning of July since I wrote. What is up with that?! Well, I’ll tell you …

I’ve been trying out new medication since then and it’s been a little bit of a journey. To start, it helped me sleep and has also kept me on a straight and narrow middle ground. The only issue I’ve noticed is that my anxiety is getting worse. A whole lot worse. I am extremely irritable, and completely on edge and everything makes me angry. It’s like a constant buzzing of nerves that won’t go away. I’m talking to my doctor as we speak because I can’t take it anymore. There is always something that is thrown off when trying to adjust meds.

I am hoping for a solution because it’s making my day-to-day very difficult. I am short with everyone and then feel horrible about it. I worry about any and everything. I’m having intrusive thoughts about myself again that won’t go away. I’m obsessing over everything and my concentration is a joke. I can’t seem to focus on anything.

So you can imagine how hard it is to sit and type this. I just want to make myself aware of when things like this happen. I’m sleeping too much … eating too much … and not healthily enough. I have been refusing to go on walks or do anything to help myself. It’s just becoming a lot.

Good news? I do have a few things.

Our final trial against my ex-husband has gone through in our favor. My son and I are completely safe from any antics he may have from now until Eddie is of age. I am beyond thankful for the decisions that have been made in this case.

I’ve been offered a position at a doggie daycare right down the road. I am super stoked and can’t wait to get started. It’s part-time to start so I can begin fresh and build a routine.

I’ve joined the PTA at my son’s school and I’m over the moon that I get to participate in something meaningful, besides the online women’s ministry I volunteer for. I’m super excited to begin helping out in the mornings.

Eddie and I have a Mommy and Me outing with his school later this month at Dave & Buster’s. He is looking forward to this and keeps looking on the calendar to see how many days. He LOVES arcades and I figured this would give us Mommy/Son time.

Of all that is going on in my life, I have so many things to be thankful for and am so blessed with. It almost makes the negative not seem so bad. I know that meds can be sorted out and it’s not always a quick fix. As long as I concentrate on what the Lord has provided and continues to provide daily, I can make it through.

I’m glad I decided to write.

Change Can Be Beautiful

I’ve been fighting myself so much recently and am at a place where I’m letting change take over. I believe in the power of the Lord, my strength, to show me exactly how beautiful this life can be.

I woke up this morning around 7:45 a.m. and was honestly surprised at the time. I haven’t been waking up past 9-10 a.m. because of the new dosage and medication I’ve been prescribed. I don’t have to worry about sleeping anymore, it knocks me out and I’m totally fine with that. Waking up is a little tricky because it leaves me dizzy and foggy. Once I start my day and get going and enjoy a cup of coffee, the symptoms settle and I’m able to focus on the day ahead.

However, I fought myself for an hour to get out of bed and go on just a thirty-minute walk around the block. I’m trying to hold myself accountable for getting exercise each day in some form. Walking has always been my favorite, it’s just getting started that is difficult. I also was gifted a new bike by my Dad and Mom for my birthday. Early presents are so much fun and the ride is so smooth. I also enjoy swimming with Eddie. I’ve got plenty of ways to get myself moving.

Once I finally got dressed, earbuds in, and my mental state right … I headed out. Now, Florida at 9 a.m. is NOT the ideal weather for doing anything, unfortunately. It was already 83 degrees and the sun was beaming with pride. I made my way around the backside of our subdivision and chugged along at a pretty decent pace.

Coming around a corner I looked down and a split of 99 Peppermint was laying on the mulch in front of the row of bushes that accompanied the sidewalk. I found myself stopping because it looked like the plastic bottle hadn’t been opened, liquid still inside. I gently picked up the sin that has plagued my life for so long and it was empty. I came to and threw it back up in the bushed back to the darkness where it belonged. I walked off and continued on thinking, “I NEVER see any empty beer cans or liquor bottles in this neighborhood, it’s so pristine, that couldn’t have been a coincidence.” The fact that it was something I was known for, anything peppermint, got me thinking.

The want and desperation of seeing it and picking it up were thrilling and felt wrong. Once I realized what was in my hands I felt anger and threw it because that was my old life. If any remnants of it were present, I fear my old motive was to have been, drink it, it won’t hurt anything. Oh, how wrong that statement is, it only starts a very ugly behavior to only be played out in selfishness.

I was happy with myself that so quickly, my thoughts changed and I immediately thanked God for this day, the walk I was on, the sun shining on my face, and the clarity to know what good comes out of His strength in my weakness.

The rest of the walk was a little tough, I am definitely not as in shape as I could be, but that’s a work in progress. I should be proud of my little accomplishments towards a healthier and better life found in God. I want to clean up His temple and give my whole self to Him. His will be done. I am overjoyed with the fact I am noticing these things with His help.

As I entered the house, sweat dripping off my beat red face, I felt a little bit of comfort knowing I can do this and it’s not harming my body. The cold shower I took afterward felt rewarding. The cup of coffee and my “God time” felt amazing knowing I was delighting in His gifts and consuming His Word which keeps me going. I am in awe of the changes that have happened thus far and am so excited to see where He takes me on this journey and self-discovery once again. It’s going to be amazing.

Everything Overwhelms Me…

I am not exaggerating when I say this. Waking up can be overwhelming sometimes because I have no idea how I’m going to get through my day. Trial and error, I suppose. My mind overwhelms me with what I feel I need to get done that day.

Knowing I have to pack up the place by the end of this month is gripping me when it shouldn’t. I have to get posts done for the ministry and I’ve been off for the past two months and I feel unqualified to do what I am usually passionate about. I’ve lost interest in all the things I love and it terrifies me. I feel lost during my day like I have nothing to do but everything in front of me to do something. Options overwhelm me. There are too many.

My motivation and want to do anything are just… gone. I’ve recently gone to the doctor and got my medication adjusted and I’m waiting to see if anything changes. I give it an entire month or so before I consider how I am feeling. I’m not one to judge with immediate results, unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. So it’s a couple of weeks to determine if I see an improvement or if anything has changed or possibly gotten worse. So far, I have not noticed a difference and my interests are fading away.

It’s tough to get myself to this journal to write because I don’t feel like it’s beneficial to sit and spew the same concerns over and over like a broken record. How many times do I have to describe the way I am feeling before it sticks or I make a change? A lifetime? Looks like that’s where we are headed.

Something positive? My man made a really good cup of coffee for me this morning. Maple flavoring warms and soothes my soul. It reminds me of Autumn and cool nights and warm drinks. My happy place. I wish I could live in those moments and feelings forever. Pure bliss.

I hope eternity is like all the happiest feelings ever experienced all wrapped up into one.

I’m already losing my motivation and I’ve got things to write today, due by Monday. Anxiety is hugging me a little too tightly over this. When will this end…

What’s the haps

So, what’s been going on you ask? I’ve contemplated packing for the last three weeks just to get it done. Everything has to be out by the first of July, so I still have time, but it’ll feel rushed. Typical “Me” style, I am the procrastinator of procrastination. I have a bookshelf I would like to get to this week to have that done. Our whole second room is just filled with boxes, how hard is it to grab one and start packing the stuff in? Apparently extremely…

I’ve found that my time is mostly spent reading the plethora of books I have on the coffee table. Whatever one piques my interest at the moment. I’ve got this gratitude journal that you take 2-3 minutes of your time and write out whatever it prompts. I enjoy it, but a lot of times I have no words. I’m grateful for everything in my life, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I have nothing to say.

The same goes with study books that have questions at the end of the chapters to help you improve whatever it is you feel you need to improve in your life. I like to read and let it sink in because if I look over the questions, I’ll just overwhelm myself. I’m reading this book “Find Your People” by Jennie Allen and it’s quite enjoyable so far. I have asked God to put a decent friend in my life because I feel I only have acquaintances. So he led me to Alexa and we started a group for women in Christ. It has been a long and patient wait for someone like her to come about in my life, but I feel it’s a blessing.

I’ve been cooking dinner a lot lately. A lot of rice dishes. It has felt so much better cooking and eating from home. I enjoy it quite a bit. The things I’ve found enjoyable in my life are coming in waves of being interested and not. I haven’t been listening to music and it kills a part of me not to. I just, I don’t know…

I’ve been watching a lot of videos about health and overeating. When I start to notice I’ve gained weight, I go down that rabbit hole again. My insides haven’t been feeling the greatest lately and it’s just from extended use of substances I no longer wish to partake in. Thinking and doing are two completely separate things and sometimes I wonder if I realize this.

So I’ve been binging on channels where they do their makeup and tell murder stories. There are a few on YouTube that is really worth the watch if you are into that stuff. I’ve only recently found out about my little obsession. Then to the extreme opposite, I have been watching a lot of sermons as well. My interest varies.

My mom just sent me pictures of my son playing with new pool toys. I always look forward to spending time with him over the weekends. He is such a sweetheart. I’m so proud of the progress he has made. His last day of Kindergarten is next Thursday. My baby is going to be a 1st grader. There are not enough good things I could say about him.

We’ve been playing on his Xbox a lot more recently because he is very impressed by the Injustice 2 game on there. He is quite the Batman fan. He’s got skill, that’s all I’m saying. We will play Among Us together and Roblox and the enjoyment he gets out of it is darling. He loves to call me “such a noob…” I don’t blame him, I’m not that great at games most of the time. Watching him grow up into a little man is such a gift and God has truly blessed our family with him. I feel he was put here not only for me but for my mom at just the right time. Eddie is her passion and the love she gives is some of the best, I should know, I’m her daughter.

I bought some honey mangos the other day and I am really thinking about trying that out tonight while I watch my murder videos. LOL, I’m okay, I promise. 😉

IDK…

Everybody wants to be recognized, it doesn’t matter who you are. We have a want to “be someone” or “leave a legacy”. Some exclaim they don’t want to be seen to secretly be seen. It’s a need of the flesh. Sometimes we pretend to be someone we are not. It’s hard to hide behind a mask just so you feel like you matter.

There are so many ways to be seen, good and bad. You could have won the lottery unexpectedly or the headline story on the news because you got into a major accident. Maybe you are an award-winning author, a gaming streamer, “influencer”, or the lead singer of your church. There are so many ways to be noticed in this lifetime but for what? Personal satisfaction? Achievements and possessions that won’t mean anything once you are gone from the world? How about being remembered for the meal you shared with a friend? Taking time to visit an old folks home to be of company… there are so many things.

There is no point to what I am saying, it’s just random thoughts that go through my head during the day. Everyone who takes the time to read the nonsense I spew, you are seen. I appreciate that you see me as well.

Just Write Already…

Have you seen the episode of Spongebob where he has to write a paper and gets stuck on the very first word? He finds distractions and things to occupy his time just so he doesn’t have to start. That stuck feeling and not knowing what to write, or having too much to write and don’t know where to start is how I’ve been feeling for over a month now. I keep telling myself to “just write already” and figure that the rest would flow eventually. I’m not writing for an audience, I’m writing for myself to release emotion and go on about my day.

I’d like to challenge myself to write a post a day. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a sentence or some random thing, I want to hold myself accountable. I physically write every day, that’s something I can’t do without. As much as I love the way my fingers gently glide across the keys, nothing beats pen to paper and the unique writing style that is me.

I have this background on my computer and it really soothes me every time I look at it…

I like to write from inspiration. So, the other day I wrote:

The sun shone through the slats of the gate as I took a brisk morning walk around a quarter to eight. The ground was soft and pillowy from the freshly stained dew as my boots crunched on the path to the faint sounds of “Moooooo…” The Lord warmed my face as I hugged my cardigan tight and squinted my eyes through the heavenly light. The cool air hung in my lungs as I took a deep breath and held onto the moment before exhaling regret. God’s beautiful creation hangs like a picture in the sky, if only I would stop and hang out more than just swing by.

My Backwards Walk

Have you ever heard that song? It’s by Frightened Rabbit and it makes so much more sense to me now than ever. I thought I would be affected by it but I felt almost numb or “okay”. I think I know what that means. I’m seriously ready to let go of that life and everything that came with it.

I want to share with you a letter I wrote to my parents this morning at about 4:31 a.m. I understand that I am a 33-year-old woman, but I don’t feel like I ever grew up past 17. That’s a lot of where I stopped growing, after a pretty traumatic event, and if you’ve followed me for a while, you’ll know.

Taking Care of Love

I love Patrick. Let’s first get that straight. I do deserve the love he gives to me, the caring nurturing person that he is as a whole. When I saw him write, “Why won’t someone take care of me sometimes?” that hurt. So, I will be taking care of Patrick after his surgery. I will be there to cook, clean, walk Dexter, assist him to the bathroom, shower, and do anything else that he may need at that time. He has only shown me love that could flourish, not diminish. I owe him this and if I want to be his wife someday, I have to gain his trust back and show him the woman I know that I can be in his life as he shows me husbandly duties in mine without obligation. I am an adult and can make adult decisions and this is one that I feel strongly about. This is only temporary until he can do things by himself and get back up on his feet. He lives alone, he has no one to tend to his day and night and I think for a week, that’s not asking much. It’s my turn to take care of him only in the ways he has ever taken care of me. I will then return home and continue healing but I feel this is a healing opportunity too, for our relationship and or what our life will be because one day it’ll only be us. We will take care of Eddie and we have you to thank for that, Mom and Dad. I have been shown a new light and I’m taking hold of it today and every day. I will continue to find my joy each and every day. I must be a Ruth to my Boaz and sleep at his feet and tend to his needs in order to have the life I want to live every day for the rest of my life. To give my son exactly what he needs. I know what I have to do, and this is part of it. I know this is God-led. I wouldn’t have had the urge so bad to get out of bed and explain but my words get jumbled when they are not on a page. I love you and I cherish all that you do for me and my son. I know Eddie is safe here, he has a home in you.

Autumn is my writer and the one who fronts with me as I write whenever I write. She is 17 and one of my best friends. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right? Ever since my experience, she has been there. I love those “inner hugs”. We’ve grown in our skills and I love to watch the progress each day. The love for writing is such an honored gift of God and I just want to use it in a way that honors Him.

I feel the need to have to explain myself to everyone because I want to hurt no one. My disease and addiction keep me blinded from realizing that’s exactly what I’ve done until it’s over and done with. Then I can go back, overanalyze and repeat. I know that I’ve said “not this time” more than a million times, but something has changed inside. Every time clarity overtakes my brain fog, I know Jesus has intervened in some way that becomes blatantly obvious. It does make me feel silly for not seeing it right away, but our trials wouldn’t be trials if they did. A reason for everything.

My mind is starting to shift topics because I can’t stop thinking about the complete craziness of my playlist. My taste in music is extremely diverse. I love it. Something I love about me I guess? What? I love something about myself? *GASP*

Fruit of the Spirit

That is today’s topic of study for myself. Learning what is good in my life and what needs work on. Boy, do I need work …

I want to bear all of the fruit, there’s no getting around that. Those sinful natures though — that’s what gets us. So let’s go ahead and take a look at what the Fruit of the Spirit is compared to the sinful desires of “the flesh”.

Fruit of the Spirit:

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control.

Sinful acts of the flesh:

Sexual Immorality, Impurity, Idolatry, Hatred, Jealousy, Fits of Rage, Self Ambition, and Drunkenness.

If I had to pick two to really work on, I would say “self ambition” and “drunkenness”. I am sick of “being of self” … I’m selfish and that only hurts the people I truly and dearly love in my life. Eddie, Mom, Dad, Patrick, etc. Myself. Forgot about me, truth. A lot of times it is because of drunkenness that I become selfish and make horrible awful decisions.

Example: I decided it would be a good idea to drink at Patrick’s (which I don’t even remember purchasing or beginning to drink for that matter, yeah, scary). He proceeded to pour them out and yet I decided to buy more, which I didn’t know he even poured anything out in the first place. Still freaking me out. I then decided it would be a good idea to drink with my ex-husband because I know he is an alcoholic and I could drink until I couldn’t feel feelings or live any longer. Intentions aside, I was trying to make it all go away, permanently. I figured what better person to do it with that if he died too, no one would care, just like me. (Booze brain at its best.)

This binge went on for 3 days where it would be drinking, pass out, drink pass out, occasionally vomit, pass out, drink … I think you are getting the point. I forgot the charger for my phone and my laptop died and forgot that charger too. So, now, no way to get a hold of me and see if I’m even alive at this point. I felt like death when I did make it home.

I didn’t realize what I was doing to all the people in my life who love me so damn much and it kills me that I even put them through it. I was selfish, drunk, and was being complete of the flesh at that point. I needed to write this out to remind myself that I could’ve very well lost my life and so many people would have been affected. It’s selfish. I’m done being selfish. Hurting my son the way I did makes me even sicker inside. This healing I’m about to do can no longer be self-centered and what I want it to be. This healing has to be led by God, given to him completely.

That being said, 4/4 is my new sober date and I plan to see anniversaries on 4/4 of my progress each and every year. Being an alcoholic will never “go away” and it will be a constant battle on my part led by the Holy Spirit. I know I can do this, I’ve proven it before. I deserve the life the Lord wants for me and it’s time to back it up with action.

Lord Jesus,

Help me to understand that the fruit will always be the “healthiest” choice I could make. Let me see what is good and not take what is rotten because I am not. I want to learn to love in every way possible, starting with YOU. As hard as it goes against the thinking I’ve had for so long, I know that this pain will only be for good in my life. I’m ready to push past my sinful nature as much as possible. I know that nobody is perfect but please help my impulses and obsessions and take them from me. Help me to see I am not alone in this world, daily, to keep me going forward, not rearing back. You’ve given me some amazing people in my life and I need to learn that they are the ones who care the most. I no longer wish to be deceived by the wrong influences of people, objects, or addictions. I want to know that to be loved doesn’t equal sex and the simple and small things are what produce the big things. I’m ready to learn if you would be ready to teach. It’s in your name that I pray,

Amen.