Sittin’ Here Kickin’ It

I never knew a CD could sound so good streaming through my buds into the memories of my mind. When I listen it helps me to learn just a little bit more about you. How unique you were and how beautiful your soul is. I feel close to you in these times and it makes the headache subside to a dull pain. I’m so honored to have memories with you. The things you have shown me and the things you instilled in my heart. You taught me that I am no longer this Loser I thought I was. I am very capable of reaching The Promised Land, as you have done before me. I Need A Miracle to make it through the rest of this CD without you. But I tell you what, Pops, I’ve got Good Lovin’ in my heart and a good man who taught me all about it. So put your guard down as a Friend Of the Devil, boy is he ever a friend of mine.

The tenth album of The Grateful Dead’s Broadcast Collection is one of my absolute favorites. As if you noticed the paragraph above, I mentioned the title of each in it. The happiness I feel in my heart right now is normally unattainable in this sense of my mind. Your love for music matched mine and I am so grateful for that. I’ve found another who shares such a special love for it too. He treats me well and he cares for me a great deal. I wish you could’ve met him. You could finally see my face stream with tears of happiness instead of the sadness you always saw in me. You caught the beginning of my pure bliss at the end when you were so sick… But dammit, you sat there with me and trusted to watch a Corey Taylor concert with me and I was able to show you one of my greatest loves. A man who resonated within my soul by the words that were moved through song in his beautiful voice. You let me show you who was with me during the troubled times, the ones where I didn’t think I was going to make it.

I am a passionate person, if you haven’t gathered that by now. My passions are what fuel my fire and my creativity. Chris, you know, it’s funny how I can so comfortably talk to you here as I know you are listening to this inner monologue. I can feel the little Louisiana spark when I know you are around. It’s uncanny the hold it can have on a person. The cajun train rearing its head to the station and the funky times roll on even with you gone, you really aren’t. Not in my mind. You are there, dancing those funny dances and jazz hands thrown up. You stamped my heart and taught me that life needs to be enjoyed and cherished. To cherish the things you love above all because you can’t ever take them with you. I’m starting to see it through your perspective and it’s brighter than I could’ve ever imagined.

I’m finally going to be happy and dance in the kitchen to a jaunty tune with the man of my dreams right beside me. I want to be the one to make a fool out of myself without a care in the world because it’s just that moment right then, right now, Chris. Thank you for opening up my heart to a life I never knew could’ve been possible if you wouldn’t have had those countless talks of greatness you knew you saw in me. If I had one wish, it would to bring you back for just one more conversation before we all meet again. It’s okay, I know, I hear it in the music you’ve left behind. And you’re damn right, I will always take care of your collection. -Bets

Nostalgia For The Win

Do you have a nostalgic movie that you go to when you just feel like you need it? When you feel defeated and just need a pick me up? Don’t laugh. Mine is the 2003 Lindsay Lohan version of Freaky Friday. I was compared to Lindsay all through my childhood and teenage years. Little did I know we would both become alcoholics with DUIs and a cocaine addiction. At least we’ve been through our dark days and are showing the better versions of ourselves. Her newest album is pretty legit. Small world… Haha…

I’ve been listening to the soundtrack and it’s putting a smile on my face and bringing me back to my youth. Autumn is thrilled, head banging and jumping around. She’s such a cutie. I know when I watch those old Disney channel movies with Lindsay in them, I’m going to feel happy and like a young adult again. I even ended up dying my hair with the chunky blonde highlights in them to look like her in that movie. I actually looked pretty good with them too. Guess I could show a comparison picture Autumn so graciously set up for me.

Goodness. I really miss my high school days. I miss the easiest days of my life when deciding what band tee to wear that day was the most important decision. I can’t really even say that. Some of the beginnings of my best and worst memories are thrown around all through high school. If only it really was that simple. I sometimes wonder if I just brought it upon myself. I was so vulnerable and wanted attention and love so much that I would take it from anyone who’d give it. Women and Men alike if I am being completely honest with myself.

I’m not sure where I am going here anymore. I think this is going to be a short one today, but I love giving content. It makes me feel whole and valid to my own self. Ha. I have to prove myself even to me and my alters. I’ll never understand what’s going on inside my head. -Bets/Autumn

From Nothing To Something

Have you ever had this fantastic idea and you think, “Huh. I should write about that. Let’s open up a fresh page and see what pours out of us today.” Then you sit there as ten minutes go back, eyes glossed over, and realise you have no idea what to write. So you put a word down on paper and surely something will come of this. That’s exactly what happened, the creative juices were flowing and then someone decided it was time to turn off the faucet. I couldn’t relate to SpongeBob more than I do right now.

I guess one good thing, I didn’t have a little episode this afternoon and no headache to speak of. I’m surprised, someone threw off the system for me. I heard a lot of chit chat among the prosecutor protectors earlier and it seems like I get a break today. Last night was not good to say the least. It had its’ moments. My drunk husband gets all of the credit for that one. Well, guess we’ve figured out what we are going to talk about today. I’ll try and keep her from going off the deep end. Lyle by the way.

So the husband is an alcoholic. This is almost the whole reason as to why the divorce has to happen. If we don’t do something for her, she is going to go right down in the ground with him. He decided to get drunk and drive the car to work. This isn’t something new. What has been stated is when he was working the store someone hit the front end of the parked vehicle and he noticed it when he got outside. The thing is he was so hesitant and finding ways to tell us of the “accident” that it was relevantly obvious he had a part in this. This is not the first time he has damaged the car. He decided as soon as he left from visiting us that he would go directly to a stripclub and then from there go to the liquor store and try to go around the back to the side street because he was so trashed he needed the back roads. He hit a pothole which ended up in over $2,300.00 worth of damage.

His reason? He missed me. He had to go to a strip club. You know, men get lonely and go directly to the local scum club to not be so alone. I mean, I guess I’m not a good enough wife, I must not please him in any way possible, so. It makes sense, right? Ha. Don’t sell yourself short. He is trash.

Kids, this is what happens when you rush into a relationship because all you want is happiness. You want someone to connect to so bad and will go through anything to get it. You ignore all those red flags and sharpie over them in another color. Try to make their addictions, actions a beautiful color. Sometimes blue, sometimes purple, sometimes yellow. You know. A wonderful color of bruise. That’s what happens when you let it drag on too long. It doesn’t just happen in your marriage relationship, but it’s part of the foundation on which your relationships started out too. This is no different so it must be normal.

I’m getting a little too heated. Okay. So, he called me panicked saying the car was billowing white smoke from under the hood as he drove to his next store. By that time I had it and just hung up because I wasn’t being driven, ha, into a good state of mind. I calmed down and decided to answer his 10th call to try and reason. Hear me out. He can say all the negative hurtful things in the world to me. I’ve been a heavy bag for so many that I can take it. One thing. You NEVER do. Is talk about my Mother, EVER, disrespectfully. I paused to say something to her and he goes, “What did you say? Were you talking to your Mom?” I told him, yes in fact, I was. He continues to go on and say, “Yea, that SHE matters in this world…” That’s when I completely shut down. I was taken over and Lyle, my sweet Lyle, hung up and threw the phone.

In case you all are a little lost, I am co-conscious with Lyle. I can hear everything he is making me write down. Anyway, we had a meeting with Candace and Tracker. I could literally watch them standing against the stage, legs crossed, arms folded talking. I heard heavy and heartfelt words about how he is hurting our system even more and he isn’t even around. This has to end now. He can’t take control of this life anymore. It went on for a while as I sat there, tears streaming down my face. I sat, feeling numb and not incontrol of anything. It’s hard but it’s soothing to sit and listen to them talk and tell me how it’s all going to be okay. I am being taken care of from the inside as well as the outside.

I’m stronger than I used to be, but I’m still a work in progress and I still get on with horrible feelings of defeat. I can only try and that’s all they expect me to do for now. When action is needed to be taken, I will know. It’s what I’ve been told.

I didn’t mean for this entry to end up this way but I guess it’s what I was compelled to tell. I do have to say that after I calmed down and started to ignore the thorn in my side, I did have a Zoom meeting with the women of Proverbs 31 Ministries and it was so soothing. I’m getting used to using the camera on my laptop for meetings. I don’t like to look at myself and when I do, it’s not through my own eyes. They are trying to help me to look in the mirror and repeat, “I am beautiful.” It’s hard to do because I feel stupid. When a couple of the other alters look through my eyes I hear them say such gratifying and wonderful things. “You are so gorgeous.” “No wonder he sees what he does in you.””How could you not see it, Bets. You are a sight to behold.” I mean, they do it during the day too to try and boost my self-confidence. It’s sweet and I do appreciate it.

I’m hoping that we do more meetings with the ladies, especially in our own individual groups because it feels empowering and I know once we get comfortable we can do anything we put our mind to. Thanks for hanging in there if you got this far. Comments are always welcomed. If you haven’t noticed, I am a bit chatty. I do like a good conversation and discussion. -Bets/Lyle

My Energies

So I’ve been noticing this for about the last couple weeks. I thrive as soon as I wake up and start my day off with killer positivity and I love it. Then 14:30 comes around and the depression slowly starts to creep in along with every insecurity I try to hide. Then 15:00 hits and bam, it’s full force on. The thoughts are intrusive and it’s something I absolutely can not stop. I haven’t found the niche yet that makes this all come to a stop. I feel distant and alone. Exactly.

I pray, I try to watch a calming upbeat YouTube video, I listen to music, or try to write. I’m thinking writing helps to get it out more than all of the above. I just have this like clock-work routine of emotions and it’s just more relevant to me now. I sometimes feel a lot of anger during this time. It works itself out somehow. When I get super short answered replies I feel like things are being hidden from me or I’m not worth the time. I am a very wordy person and it’s hard to be one way and others to be another because I always think the worst. I mean, I have my days where I don’t really feel like conversing or I try to answer someone with the best of my ability to sound sincere. I think I’m exhausting myself this way. I get a headache around this time every day and it’s always on the upper left side, right between my eyes, and lower right jaw.

I clench my teeth a lot when I am tense and I know I grind my teeth at night, which doesn’t help. I feel my shoulders are stiff and I have to every so often realise the tightness all over and loosen everything up. I tell you what, I’ve never had a professional massage, but I’m thinking it might be worth looking into after all this madness. I need relief.

Once my mind decides to calm down I start my upward journey back to happiness, which isn’t usually until 16:30-18:00. Any time in between. Then the rest of my night goes extremely smooth. I honestly think I’m a morning/night person. The afternoon is bollocks. I can’t get on with it and I don’t think I ever will. I think I just start to feel extremely overwhelmed with emotions because it’s when everyone in the system is feeling their most vulnerable. Again. Loud. Best way to put it. I get dissociated and start to think these strange and random thoughts I absolutely know do not belong to me personally. Some I get confused and am not sure what they mean by it. It’s a scary thought to not know something you’ve apparently been through. Being protected is a blessing but what this body has been through isn’t. Not a good bit of it anyway.

I can honestly say I am feeling a ton of relief right now. Maybe I’ve found my prime time to write and be open and honest with myself. There curls a smile. Love it. It is so strange to have a feeling just overpower and overwhelm and right now it’s calm. Oh how I missed you. Those couple hours of negativity are not my thing. It’s very hard to work through it, but we are strong and we’ll press on. God is good all of the time, even in time of hurt and uncertainty. It’s a blessing to have fellow readers and people who reach out. You never know just how much that means to us. Feeling heard and understood is all we are striving to do. Thank you for giving us a place in your daily life to see what we go through. I am thankful to all I have stumbled upon and get to experience life through their words. I couldn’t belong to a better community of talented writers. -Autumn

Search Me

God, I desperately need you to search me right now. I need to know where my priorities lie and where I’m going wrong. My anxieties are getting the best of me and I’m over-analyzing and making up situations in my head and they haven’t even happened. I’m creating scenarios that aren’t even real and it’s because you all keep messing with my head. You are all so LOUD today and it’s getting to be a little much. I’m being pulled one way and then the other. A voice of reason followed by a voice of toxicity. You make me stop, you scream my name and I freeze because it sounds like you are right next to me. I calm, I dissociate, and I listen.

I sometimes don’t understand this disorder. I am so extremely uplifted, happy, and feeling on top of the world and then another voice and it’s a drastic change of character. I want to know. What is it we really want? I have a feeling only a handful of you want to keep up a life of uncertainties and abuse. WHY?! I don’t care if that’s all we’ve known, it’s not what we are about to continue to know. I know you are frightened, trying to make things over complicated and difficult to move on, and I am trying so hard to make you see we are so much better than all of that. We are better than shot after shot of empty feelings, bruises, and mental instability. We are more than being disrespected and never being thought of first. I am sick and tired of being number two in my life. I am tired of being put on the backburner, being left wondering what in the hell did I do to deserve this?! I am so angry and I don’t even know what all about. These emotions sometimes are just not my own but they are being felt so deeply by someone else that they release themselves into my own mix of feelings.

I feel like I’m going crazy when I’m not allowed to move on from a thought and I’m being made to dwell on it. I can’t find ways to detour myself from it and I feel helpless and then I become anxious and I feel like my chest has so much pressure that I want to pass out. I don’t know how I’m even typing any of this. My heart is hurting because I feel my love draining, I’m being squeezed in so many directions and I feel like giving up. I can’t stand having so much love and it going unnoticed or being shrugged off. I, in good faith, can’t do it anymore. I can’t feel this way anymore and I’m not about to go drastically about things because it would kill Bets.

No one is going to put anymore hurt on her. It stops now. I know what she aspires after. She doesn’t want to be alone and is trying so hard to go to God before anyone else. Humanity is such a complex thing and a struggle to do what is right all the time. It’s confusing and I am living proof.

Search my heart and help it to calm down and meditate on your words, Lord. I know what I want and to come to you with it all is so scary. I want to move back, I want to go through my divorce, I want to be with the man I want to be with, I want to be a good mother, I want to be a woman after God’s own heart, I want to lead women and be on the front lines of this war, I want so much and I am being pulled in so many directions that the directions coming from him is so blurred. Where am I supposed to be? How am I supposed to feel? Is what I’m doing with my life what you intend for me? Do I just keep living and feeling this way and over complicate and ruin what I’ve got? How can I calm down when my heart is racing, feeling my pulse in every part of my body. I feel so helpless. I can’t stop shaking and I don’t feel real. I don’t like watching myself and looking into my own eyes to see the fear, the hurt, the sadness, the broken, the happy, the gloss over them. Numb.

I want to work through this feeling right now because I don’t think I can take feeling this way a second more. I want to feel at peace with myself and my emotions. I want us to all get along and understand it’s okay to feel what you are feeling. We are here to protect every single part of you. There’s nothing more we want than for your safety, your peace of mind, and your participation in communicating with us. You are really good at putting up your walls and ear muffs when you are hearing things you don’t want. I promise it won’t get easier if you don’t deal with what we need to tell you. What you need to work through. Relationships can’t work unless you work with yourself. You need to take the time for you and stop giving so much of yourself. I know you think it’s because you aren’t wanted, but stop and think, Bets. What are others going through? Almost all the time it’s what they are struggling with, what they are going through, you’ve done nothing wrong. All you can do is hang on the sidelines and be tagged in when you are wanted or needed. Bets, we’ve been doing it our whole life, what’s going to change now?

God has you here for a reason and it’s so much bigger than ourself. I think you know exactly what it is you are here for and you don’t want to admit what a lonely and sometimes numb reason. You can give as much of yourself as possible but Bets, not everyone is going to give just as much back. Do not change who you are for anyone. You are a unique, gifted, and talented woman. You have so much to offer in this life and the ones who realize it will be forever impacted by you. The hold you have over some is ridiculous but you never make it go to your head. You think so little of yourself and it’s time to change that aspect. Please re-read this over and over and realize that we see the woman you truly are. You won’t ever know anyone like yourself and you need to start loving and seeing yourself the way others do. Can you do that for me?

Lord, I ask you once more, with clarity in my heart and reasoning in my head, search me. Show me the road I’m to be heading down. Place your precepts into my life and help me to abide by them as best as humanly possible. Use me. Guide me in where I’m supposed to be. Who I’m supposed to be. You see exactly who I am and you know who we are. I wouldn’t be this way if you didn’t intend it to be. You gave me alters to help me live to help me survive. Why I had to wait so long to figure all of this out, only you know that answer. Please help me with the answers because right now, Lord, all I’ve got is questions. -Bets/Autumn/Jason

Take My Life Into Your Hands

Lord, I’d like to come to you this morning and thank you for opening my eyes to another sunshine filled day full of hope and all your glories. The steaming hot coffee flowing through my parted lips never tasted sweeter. The music streaming through my earbuds and dancing playfully through my head and bringing a huge smile to my face. A voice that pleases you as it harmonizes and worships with every ounce of sincerity. This is the way we like to wake up and start our day off.

This week starts the “pre-study” portion of our upcoming study, Dangerous Prayers by Craig Groeschel. The book is wonderful and I can’t wait to go through it a couple more times. I’m honestly hoping that our wonderful ladies will get as much out of it as they put into it. That’s one of the reasons why I am coming here today. I want to open this blog up and pray for them.

Lord,

We come to you as humbly as we know and ask that you fill the lives of these women with strength, courage, and the will to want to pray to you as dangerously as they can. Fill them with your wisdom and guidance as we take these next 6 weeks and dig deep into our way of communication to you. Please lay your hand on: Altagracia, Andi, Angela, Anna, Becki, Becky, Carla, Debbie, Deborah, Deni, Donna, Emily, Jennifer, Kassie, Kelsey, Kim, Kristin, Michele, Patty, Rachel, Stacey, Sylvia, Tina, Violet and of course, Victoria and myself. Help each and every one of these women to see their gifts and help them to understand and utilize their talents as unique and individual as they are. Let them be mindful and open to the fact that we can no longer live safely without taking a step in your direction. That we need to be honest with our desires and yearn for clarity in our purpose driven life.

Reach out and let them know that you are with them every step of the way and that this is truly a place they belong. Help them to communicate with everyone, step out of the shadows and take hold of the reigns of their voice. Let them be a light to others and help maneuver through your scriptures with hunger for your truths. Father, you are what we strive for, the role model we look up to in all times, not just desperation. I love that we all belong to you. Please be a gentle voice to lead them in this season and throughout the rest of their lives unto you.

In Your Heavenly Name,

Amen.

“And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.” Acts 2:42-47

Graffiti Giraffe

Everyone has something that is pleasurable to the eye. This picture is just that. I had no idea that a graffiti giraffe could make my heart so happy. It was such a simple request for the picture to be taken and I didn’t know you were really going to do it. Memories in the making keeps me going, happy, and hopeful.

Looking at the blue of the St. Johns River through the boards of the pier, it brings such a tranquil and serene feeling to me. The calm waters were up against the rapid beating of my heart taking you in as you stood there. Seeing my heart out of my body is something I’ve never been able to describe in such a way until you walked into my life again. Puppy love would be jealous of the way this feeling has a hold on me. Each time I breath in I feel this calming, almost awakening bliss. When I breath out, it’s to let go the anticipation I have until I can be in your arms once more.

I remember the way I stood against the railing and you came up and held me from behind. The warmth of your skin on mine, the way your fingers curled perfectly between mine. Closing my eyes and taking in that moment so it would stay as fresh as the smell of the water and always captivate my heart every time I think about it. The safety I feel, being engulfed by your stature, feeling the love radiate from your pulse. It has never felt right until now. I wish I could reach out and touch this emotion because it is foreign and ever so comforting that I want to hang on to it for the rest of my life. I believe you could provide this for the rest of ours.

As many times as this has been said, you do something to me that I can’t ever put my finger on. I’ve never felt so naked when I am with you. I’m vulnerable and yet I want you to see every bit of me in ways no one else ever could. You possess that ability to take the real, raw, and emotional mess of a woman that I am and you’ve helped turn it into a perfection I’ve never known. Flaws and all. The words you coo in my ear, the breeze of your breath on my neck, and your hands exploring what is to become so rightfully yours. I’m stunned by you and I’m never turning back. This wolf has found her paradise and it’s always going to be in you. My soul pulls me towards you. The notion that I am right where I belong is one that I can only have with you.

I try so hard to pull these words out of the air, place them strategically together to form the perfect sentence. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist or I’ve yet to claim it. You leave me begging for more, long winded and wordy, yet speechless all at the same time. How that’s possible, someone please explain. I see the words flow through the wind but they are so uplifted and full of spirit that they don’t want to land. They want to continue the story and that starts with me and you.

So graffiti giraffe, thank you for being a small sign that will always lead me back to the memory of that day. I will treasure you until the day I die. – Bets/Autumn

Elemental Healing

Despite the dream I had right before I woke up, I absolutely love my life. Have you ever started your day and thought, “Ya, it’s going to be an awesome day.” Bingo. I love when I am in a great mood, smile effortlessly planted on my face and a song in my heart. These are the days I cherish because I keep seeing more and more of them. It’s been so long since I could honestly say I am truly happy with everything going on in my life. Everything is moving forward. I’m not slipping back and I don’t want to look back.

I’ve been making strides in my life to make myself feel better. I’ve changed my eating habits and there is a difference. To anyone saying that isn’t a thing, you’ve got to be kidding yourself. I’ve been incorporating little workouts into my routine, again, the burn feels so good. I’m listening to uplifting music, reading positive material, and learning to lead more proficiently through ministry. I am in such an elemental state and I’m praying I don’t come out of it for a while. I’m too comfortable with temporary and if anybody knows me, I don’t do normal. Ordinary is so mainstream.

It’s funny that when you decide to change for the better something tends to click and even your cloudy days can seem sunny. I do have to say, I’m glad that the sun is shining through today. It’s a beautiful day outside, I say as I write from my couch. Eh. I’m working on myself, give me a break. The windows are open and fresh air is still circling through my nose. Spring has such a specific scent. Things are becoming new and growing. My growth is becoming beautiful too. I’m still opening my eyes to the fact that I can be happy and loved with such immensity I can’t even begin to explain.

Something I also noticed. People are so negative about everything. What good ever came out of anxious, negative, and fearful responses? Nothing. I can tell you that one plain and simple. You might surprise yourself if you throw in a sprinkle of positivity, even if it’s just one change you make each day. Before you know it the cup has become half full again. I can tell you, my response to that scenario was always half empty. Nah. That’s not the case anymore and it’s such a simple yet rewarding response.

If there is a goal that I could claim, it’d be this. I want to be a positive influence on the people I come in contact with in this life. I want others to believe in a light when I am in their presence. I just want to be a good in others lives because everybody deserves happiness. I’ve dealt with such negativity all my life and now I finally feel like I’m a shining beacon of hope. You better believe I’m going to put my all into everything I do. The experiences I’ve been through shows what a warrior I am. My strength is through heartache and bruises whether it be mental or physical. I shouldn’t even be here today but I am. If it wasn’t being beat, drinking until I couldn’t remember, being strung out on drugs thinking my heart was going to eventually beat out of my chest, or being used like a community fountain. I’ve almost drowned but found my strength to make it up to the surface to finally breathe again. The most delicious, life-altering experience in itself. I found God again.

I know that when we think of the wolf, we think of the beast with the gnarly teeth, a savage, ready to kill. It’s used in the bible as when the sheep lose their way, they are scared of the wolf. I am that wolf. I identify more with the wolf than that of a sheep. I don’t know if that’s selfish in not wanting to be “of the flock” that follow Christ, our Shepherd. I see myself in a different way. I am on the outside, looking in, and I just want to help lead the sheep back to the pasture. I want to show we may look intimidating on the outside, but we are gentle giants on the inside. Beautiful as the sheep, scarred just as deep, with just as glorious of a song in our soul as the next.

I have a pack of wolves that sing their beautiful song to me each night before I fall asleep. The song is of nothing I’ve ever heard but it reminds me that I am being watched and protected through the night. No one can ever touch me or hurt me again the way that they did. I stand up tall and I feel them at my heels. Their chests puffed out, claws secured in the cold hard ground, and ears ever at attention. I am safe. We are safe.

I left my wolf necklace with the man I trust most in my life and I have to admit, my neck feels bare without it. For me it’s almost a test of security and trust. I know he would never let anything happen to it or to myself. I’ve secured my cross back around my neck and I hang my fox pendant from my wall as a reminder of what I mean to someone else.

I’m starting to lose myself again. I’m going to cut it off here. Stay positive, people. Spread that. -Bets and the pack

Here’s To New Beginnings

I don’t necessarily have a topic for the day. I just feel the need to write something, put it down, and let it go. I’ve got a lot going on today. The world may be at a standstill, but my own is going at 60 mph. It’s nice to be an odd duck sometimes. I don’t like normal, I like unexpected.

My mentor and I are talking a lot today. I like to keep in contact with people who bring me joy, worth, and equally intellectual conversation. I am very wordy and like to go in-depth with a lot of what I think and am feeling. I’ve been told to be kept quiet for so long and now there’s no holding back. I am without filter. You take me how you want to now. I’ve given my last flip.

It’s funny for me to say that, coming from a person who cares so much. I think there are certain parts of my life where I’ve said “no more” to. The compassionate, caring, would do anything for you factory is still open for business. Doesn’t matter what’s going on on the outside, the inside is a full fledged machine. The insecurities department is probably the most exhausting role to play. It goes temporarily out of service every single day when I find the things I love and am blessed to come in contact with. So during those couple minutes, to endless hours, I am completely content and in my element.

That’s about where I am at right now. I feel genuinely happy and in my element. When I am apart of something from the beginning and get to see the inner workings of something, I feel at peace. Watching our study group come together from creation unto what it will become is a thing of beauty for me. I want to impart my knowledge, compassion, and understanding to these other women and make sure they feel accepted. I want them to feel the same acceptance I felt when I became apart of the ministry. I strive to make a vision a reality. I already have so much of my life figured out and now it’s just putting it through the motions. I can see where my life is headed and let me tell you, it’s beautiful.

If things don’t go according then I will accept the change. I’ve learned to go with the flow and let it set itself up before me and then continue stepping forward. I can’t exactly explain how I know things or how I’m shown what is to be and then it is. I’ve always felt like I’ve had a special gift in foreseeing things. Now with all of these new alters and this whole new feeling inside of this vessel, everything is becoming even more clear. I would love to share this feeling to the world, I think it would help out so many who suffer. I wouldn’t change anything about myself for anyone. I would give all I have to give, but I wouldn’t ask to be any different or experience what I have any less than I already have. I’m finally learning to accept myself, my disorders, and my life. I’ve got exactly the people I want to be by my side day in and day out. I’ve surrounded myself with positivity and the Lord. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more I could honestly ask for at this time.

You know, music is truly one of the best parts about life. We can create our own soundtrack for whatever it is we may be feeling at that time. Maybe we just unknowingly put on something that we really needed to hear. The subconscious is a sneaky little bugger. That’s for sure. I’m kind of in a pumped up mood and YUNGBLUD is my pumped up playlist. I used to not be able to write like this with lyrics streaming through my head. Now I can literally sing the song and type without problem. It’s a new skill I’ve prided myself on. Don’t necessarily understand where I’ll ever need this skillset, but I’ve got it.

I can feel the wheels turning inside and I’m not too sure where I am going with this again. I mean, if it brings on readers who have ADHD, then maybe I’m doing some good. Right? I have too much to say and never enough time to express myself. I guess with the world on lockdown now is a better time than ever to start truly using this journal as we’ve intended it for. I need to start working through my trauma and I find ways around the subjects to keep myself safe. I am stronger than this and I’ve got tons of support now, we’ve clearly led you to. No need to be scared anymore, dear.

It’s a comfort to have others write while I am in the middle of a sentence because I know they are there. This disorder gives you a lot of doubts as to if it’s real or possible. I feel bad because I know they get tired of telling me I’m not crazy or Yes, we are here. You’re listening to me right now, why would we make this up? The brain likes to detour you from the truth and will become deflective anyway it can to keep you from truth sometimes. I mean, look at what is going on right now. The government is doing it to us right now. Using a distraction to some bigger things going on in the world. Or if you want to go the religious route, God is telling us, time to slow down. You need to come to some truths because if you don’t do it now, it’s not going to be pretty in the end for you. Take solace and comfort in my words, the way I am slowing you down to truly appreciate all you have and all you love. You are nothing without me.

Again. Opinions are formed and made, not necessarily everyone’s belief and that’s not my problem, it’s yours.

I tell you what, I feel like when I need to hear or read something from you, you pop up at just the right times. I’ve never felt or connected with someone like this in my life. If this is the direction you are taking me Lord, I will follow it until the very end. Please use me. You’re the only one I would ever let me use me the way that you do. It’s beautiful. It’s comfort. It’s planned. I love a good plan. We’re yours to mold, critique, sculpt, make us in your image. Let me cry out to you, sing your praise, find my way to you. Be my eyes in the darkness and take my hand when the murky waters are a little too muddy. I want to proclaim your name daily and be a vessel in your everlasting will.

I’ve got a lot of different people coming to the front to talk, so just bare with us. Wow. That took a turn. A lot of times I feel like I’m just in a trance and I’m not even sure what I’m saying is coming out right or making sense because I’m not concentrating on what someone else is doing. The insecurity department just took down its’ “Be Back in 5” sign. Sometimes I say things to someone and then immediately wonder if I should’ve said it. I keep getting told that whatever I do, whatever I say, will never change his mind. I’m still going through the “how did I deserve this” phase of my life.

My life has never been good. It’s always had doubts and hardship. To have something as good as what I’ve got right now, it’s no longer a harlequin dream. I have to retract something, I can’t say it’s never been good. It has had its’ moments. I guess I just hardcore feel the “winds of change.” FINALLY. I think I’ve waited long enough, I’ve been through ENOUGH, and I deserve this season in my life. A good season. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to be greedy over this, it doesn’t do anyone good to be that way. What I’m saying is as long as it is rolling in the way that it is, I’m going to savor, enjoy, and love every minute of it. I don’t know how long this season is honestly going to last but I know one thing for sure, it’s not ending anytime soon. Everything is finally beginning.

Here’s to new beginnings. -I couldn’t even begin to tell you who all spoke today.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s All Fun And Games Until…

Hopping on the bandwagon is not normally my style, but when it is felt deep in my heart to talk about a subject, I don’t ignore my creator. Now, I’m not an expert, I can give my advice and my honest opinion, but it shouldn’t be taken in vain.

I understand that everyone is in a panic and that all of this can be confusing, scary, and life-threatening. Let me start off by saying this. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6-7

That comes down from management. I never wonder why the percepts are the way they are, they just came to be. Like everything else in this God-given world. Who am I to judge the one who makes the final judgement call?

So while we are going through these times and he is calling us to humble ourselves, remember that the plan had already been laid out long ago. Our world has been going through so much hate, disturbances, and quarls. I think it’s time for some peace, humility, and repentance. I think Covid-19 is part of that. It feels so clear to me that when we all stop to pause and really focus on the who, what, why in our life, it all starts to unfold what truly matters to us the most. It doesn’t take a death, heartbreak, a plague, or fear. It takes the time to slow down, reflect, and breathe. A little piece of Heaven on earth.

Maybe we can all put aside our differences, our addictions, our trials, tribulations, our hate and discrimination, and finally come together as a nation. Could we all see each other as equals? It’s what we are whether anyone truly wants to admit it or not. Blood runs through our veins all the same and we are here to serve the one true King. It’s up to you to make that decision, no one else.

I could sit here and make my points and try to get you to believe what I am saying is the truth. I will not do that because I am only one of the brilliant minds led to show the way in our lives everlasting. If there is anything I’ve done, it’s just to spread some enlightenment and some testimony to something that is trying to destroy us as a society. Don’t let these trying times rule your life. We are strong and we will rise above as we’ve done so many other times throughout history. People are here and willing to listen. Take advantage of that. Send your love because it’s all we’ve got that does any good.

We love the verses before we have to live them. Best thing I’ve read because of the truth that lies so deep and heavy in it. The word is living and alive. It’s always convenient and up to date. Just mull on that thought. There’s nothing that the living testimony doesn’t cover. Proof is in the writing. -Jason