Sick.

I’ve been sick for over a month. Seriously. Extreme sinus pressure, sore throat, aching ears and body, fevers occasionally. Always tired, dizzy, and resorting back to nose spray because if I don’t, there is no clearing my passage way. This is miserable. No, it’s not Covid. Tested negative for that. So whatever THIS is, needs to GO.

So much pressure, my eyes feel like they are about to pop out of my head. I can feel my heartbeat in my teeth as they throb from all the sinus pressure. I’m constantly blowing my nose and coughing up drainage. (The nicest way I could put that). I feel the crackle in my lungs when I breathe deep and then a bark escapes my lips. It’s very guttural and cracked. Nothing has taken away all of the symptoms, but close enough for four hours relief if I just rely on Nyquil.

How come I never think about explaining it this way to my doctor? When I’m there I’m so short that it seems like I’m faking it. It’s like my brain fog makes its’ escape when it’s time to tell the doctor how I TRULY feel. My fear of it turning worse is pretty big. I’ve always been this way from a child. I would rather not know and just pass away then have to panic about an estimated date of my own death. That’s what part of the spectrum I’m on apparently. I’m perfectly okay with that.

I won’t be seeing my Eddie Spaghets this weekend because he is FINALLY back to his normal self and I just can’t bring this back to him. I feel we’ve been swapping this back and forth every weekend I’m with him. Time to take care of me and stop spreading anything harmful to my sweet baby. He was viral when we went to the doctor and I will catch any and everything as soon as it passes me by. My body is very responsive to trying to self-destruct itself. Inside, outside, I’m a real mess to take care of sometimes.

So my sweet man surprised me yesterday morning with these…

It’s a cross between “get well” and “anniversary” flowers. I don’t care what they are, they were given to me by the man I love and they are beautiful. His thoughtfulness is such an amazing quality he possesses. His daughter is the exact same way. She is a spitting image of him and it’s too much cuteness for me to handle sometimes.

We spent yesterday with Lylah to celebrate her birthday that recently passed. We met with her at an IKEA to pick her up from her momma. This was the first time meeting the other parent and to be honest, she seemed like a nice person from what I gathered. There will always be a strange tension between Patrick and her that I can just feel reverberate from around their auras. It was an immediate feeling when I saw them talking.

When I was pregnant, until I found out Eddie was a boy, I thought I was carrying a girl. It was a strange feeling that if I was wrong, I didn’t care. I would be the same mom either which way. There is something awesome about his daughter and the things we have in common are ridiculous.

You know, you can’t choose the family you are born into, but damn can you end up with the one you thought you should’ve known all along. It’s such a blessing to feel this. It just wasn’t this way with JC’s family, ever. As much as I acted like I was never bothered, I always was. Anxiety and panic attacks plagued me around them constantly. With Patrick’s family, it is a calm and acceptance that is new to me. A good new. I can live with this.

So after we picked her up, we went over to his mom’s new place and scooped her up and headed to the mall. The birthday girl wanted a Build-A-Bear and that was the place to do it. Luckily, the last time I went there with Eddie (he was 2) I received a $10.00 off gift card with no expiration. He is now 6, so yeah, we don’t go there often. I gave that towards her gift and she happily made her cute birthday bear. She turned double digits this year so that’s always an exciting birthday.

We picked up her cousin from school afterwards and went to a couple more stores. It was an amazing time and the company was rewardingly spent. I noticed that I took my time and lived in the moment and it felt different. It felt right. I’m always so worried about the next day or something down the road and I’m never in the now. I’m intentionally trying to do this because we aren’t promised tomorrow, or even the next minute. I’ve finally come to realize what matters in this world. Revelations are wonderful when they happen.

When you know, you apparently know. I am exactly where I’m meant to be. I just can’t wait to get our little family together and experience that life. Even if for certain periods of time, I just want to feel whole in a family setting that isn’t dysfunctional and chaotic. I know I can have that now. I am allowed to move forward in everything I believe in now. There have been so many lessons learned and feelings controlled I didn’t know could be hammered down.

I truly believe God heals you from the inside, makes you new and puts that new heart in you. The Holy Spirit is capable and you are because of that. Only because of that. The amount of times I go to God in prayer during the day is shocking to me because it’s never been that way before. I feel like it’s a constantly continued chat session with Him. It’s comforting.

I should probably take a breather and lie down. I feel my eyelids getting heavy and I’ll take whatever sleep I can get.

Tails From Camp Bow Wow

Do you ever wonder if someone wrote about this awesome conversation or meeting they had with you in their own journal? Well… let me be the one to share a conversation I had with a woman I hope to further get to know.

I work at good ol’ Camp Bow Wow. We are a dog daycare/boarding facility and some of the most driven people by the cute little wags of our campers’ tails. We have fun. Truly. The people that work there were born to take care of animals. I feel I am one of those people as well. There’s a happiness that just spreads and watching the dogs play and being able to literally “pet all the dogs”, well, I’m in heaven. It takes away my worries of the world around me, makes me praise God for these miraculously beautiful creatures I get the honor of taking care of, and free kisses are a plus.

We are hiring and there have been mass interviews taking place. I’ve handed out my fair share of clipboards and applications in the 3 months I’ve been there. Then this one older lady walks in and I asked her who she was picking up. She wasn’t, she was here for a job interview. So I handed her the paperwork and I couldn’t find a clipboard. I felt horrible. So she started filling it out at the counter until a minute later when another applicant was finished, she then took a seat.

It was very constant up front, a lot of new people wanting information and tours of the place. I was helping an older couple who wanted their sweet pup to have some fun because he just sits in the house all day. We have some wonderful clients.

The lobby cleared out and it seemed the lady and I were the only ones up front. I asked how she was doing and found out her name was Valentina. Really pretty name. We soon were in such deep conversation that I didn’t realize what was going on around me. We had so much in common, things we’ve been through and the like. We also connected through Jesus. She mentioned she was new to the area and looking for a church to attend on Sundays and just didn’t want to go alone. I told her, I’d join her, I really need to find a physical church. That just turned into talk about how I work for an online ministry and giving her that information so she could join our next study and potentially my group.

The time spent with her for those ten minutes made my whole day. We expressed our love for Christ and in that amount of time exchanged numbers and she had a great interview. I told my manager that she needed to hire her on and give her a shot. To my surprise she absolutely agreed and so I look forward to getting to know my new friend through Christ. Only he can place these circumstances of “right place, right time”.

I love my job.

Time Well Spent

Let’s start off with a positive.

I am in my element. I’ve had my chocolate hazelnut cream coffee with M&Ms creamer — believe me when I say, it pairs well. I’ve been able to get a couple things done and take time with the Lord. It’s a pretty big constant in my life now and the benefits are mind-blowing to say the least. Oh, and Dexter decided to take over the laptop because obviously, the million of belly rubs, sweet high-pitched nothings, and walk wasn’t enough. Never enough. I love that dog…

We are so close to October and it makes me happy. OND. Best months. I’ve decided I’m getting a little fluffy again and am going back on the Plexus regimen I was on before. It proved itself useful for betterment of my gut health. I’ve never had a good stomach. I mean, the countless bottles of booze, junk food, and whatever else I deemed fit to enter my body probably hasn’t helped over the past 20 years… I’m not saying I’m unhappy with what I look like, I’m unhappy with how my insides feel every day. I solely want to make my stomach not hate me so much anymore.

I’ve come to the realization that I will never have my 20 year old pre-baby figure anymore and it’s time to work on the inside. I love how I try to make it seem like I’m not unhappy with how I fit in my jeans or wish to present myself. Denial is a hell of a concept. These things should not matter as much as this world makes us want it to matter.

It really is silly the things we think are so important. Looking the best. Being the most successful. Having the most put-together family.

I don’t like the way this post is starting to go. Most times I’m pretty amped by what I’m writing about, but right now? I’m in a chill vibey moment and I am not looking to lose it any time soon.

Want to see a picture of my sweet little gamer boy? Of course you do…

Whenever I look at him, I melt. This world produces some ugly things, but the Lord produced a little miracle inside of me. That extra “fluff” and the stretchmarks that accompany it, worth it. It is legacy and represents what I was meant to be in this life. As much as I have tried to say I don’t measure up, God says I do. That’s made it pretty clear, I was blessed and he was given to me to raise up as part of a major plan. I’m excited to see where he goes in this life, the plans that are made for him. It’s going to be pretty awesome. I can tell you that.

I thought so…

What I am thankful for (With Commentary):

  • Eddie
  • Patrick
  • Dexter
  • My Mom’s dogs: Bugsy and Morty
  • My Mom and Dad
  • Coffee
  • Books (Freedom pages)
  • Writing
  • Creativity
  • Coffee Mugs (I just took a sip)
  • Bees (They make the best darn honey. Mhmm, especially in Earl Grey Tea.)
  • Fuzzy Blankets (Talk about comfort and security.)
  • Life Goals
  • Steps towards healing
  • Repentance
  • Righteousness
  • Holy Spirit (Our Father and Son)
  • Animals (Foxes, Wolves, and Deer came to mind.)

I am as Feisty as a Fox, Warrior of a Wolf, and Delicate as a Deer.

Delicate Deerling Deer, Feisty Furlong Fox, Warrior Warren Wolf

My mind does not give up and does not disappoint. It is so strange the concepts my thoughts take me through when I dig deep into my creative cavity. Always something stored up for a rainy day. (Like today… go figure.)

I didn’t mean that in a bad way, I am a “Pluviophile.” I would rather take rain, wind, storm, hurricane, whatever to get my fix. This weather makes me feel whole inside and it always has. Autumn has always been the season I tend to have a better streak of happiness and fulfillment for the year. It’s a “safe season” of the year, to be honest.

Thinking of that, I noticed more of the bad things that happened in my life, occurred between January and end of August. (Eddie and Patrick being the exception.) They were both born and blessed us in that month amongst the bad of that month that was mentally created by myself.

I’m trying to let go of the thoughts that don’t need to be entertained in my head anymore and I guess this is my “dump space.” Attractive. I thought so… I’m starting to think that’s my catch phrase, “I thought so.” I also read that as if I was doing a Netflix standup show. You know when you take on that persona of the “funny one” and you’ve got this smirk confidence and aren’t sure how or why? What runs through our caffeinated head sometimes. Am I right? (Slaps internal forehead)

I like being in a good mood. I would say “love” but I feel that’s taking it a bit too far.

You know what’s awesome? If I turn slightly to my right, there’s an Eddie all curled up under my cozy fuzzy blanket (mentioned above…it’s not important.) When he sleeps I can see the delicate baby I held for the first time. His lips are perfect in every way. Little cherubim lips. Seriously. I’m jealous. God knew exactly what he was doing when he thought of Eddie. It’s so easy to see it in the ones we love so dear, but when we look at ourselves it’s almost like, “How?” My literal insides felt like they turned to gunk because I thought of myself. When I think of Eddie it’s light, happy, bright, and euphoric almost. Like that’s what Love is supposed to feel like. True Love. Born of, Love. How have I not realized how thankful and blessed I am until now?

I wish you could see him all wrapped up like a 6 year-old burrito baby who will eventually turn into a bomb when he wakes up. That child has energy. He could be vomiting all over himself and keep going. I’m so glad he didn’t get my immune system. We would be in a world of doctor/hospital bill hurt. I cost a pretty penny in the worst ways. (Har. Har)

Is it weird to want to … literally within writing that, I just remembered. I can make a side journal for others who want to journal or “side-bar.” I amuse myself, it’s amazing the comments made in my head all day. They need a “Real Mentally Unstable 30’s Single Mom Housewives of Jacksonville, Florida.” Believe me, it hits. That’s what’s sad. You know, you think about where you are from and why is it, normally, always the worst? I can either say…

Hey guys, I’m Betsy. Born and half-way raised in Dyer, Indiana, state of corn. Go Corn. I was raised up drinking coffee with my Papa when I was only 3 years old (could’ve been sooner, we are addicts) and watching Da Bears on Sunday NFL Game Day. Smoking his pipe and me my fake candy cigarettes (cold coffee in hand), we’d listen to the “main stream Country” of that time and I’d ride my tricycle for hours around and around the driveway, making as many left turns as would color me victorious in the Indy 500.

(Little man woke up, this will have to be a “To Be Continued…”)

Writing. Meaning. Life.

I’ve always been an awkward talker. Crazy, right? I tend to be able to think clearer when I am in my head space. Thinking the words, just not spewing out nonsense and hope it came close to what I was trying to say.

Writing. Writing is so much clearer. The way I am attracted to words and the way they spill out on the page is probably a sin. It’s beauty. Intimate. Taking time to put into words what’s all going on inside. Whether it’s through writing a short story, poem, speech, wedding vows, New York Best Seller, or sermon — it’s what comes from within that matters most. It’s where some of the best screen plays, operas, and jaunty tunes came from. Inside is where your soul can long and be passionate for whatever it desires as long as it’s genuine and pure.

Writer’s highs are very real. Just like the runner’s high, it makes all euphoric substances seem bleak and bland. Just you and your mind expelling years of things that make up who you are. What you’ve become. Each decision like a post-it note adding to the pile of literature written just for YOU. Stories are so unique. We could literally all be a motion picture, top of the charts, Grammy winning experience somewhere in our life stories. Who we’ve been called to be is such a unique and inspiring process that can only be given by our Savior, Jesus Christ.

It’s not a hard process to accept in your heart. It’s quite easy and yet one of the most difficult decisions one has to make. It’s just a matter of where in the story you begin. Beautiful, right?

I thought so.

I’m Still Here.

It’s been so long. I tend to do this at some point during the year, have a “writers block” season. I literally feel like a little baby chick pecking his way through the shell and becoming life. I’m hoping this is the beginning of a good season of creativity and ideas. It’s still a little too soon to tell, but I’ve been feeling happy so that’s a good start.

Autumn is just around the corner and I am thrilled. Thus ends memories of bad times and sorrows. Time to pick up my hoodie, slap on some leggings, and cozy on up to the ones I love. Eddie and Patrick are my world, they are the sweet men in my life. How I’d be blessed the way I have been, I couldn’t tell you. The story has been written but I’m only halfway through. I’m excited to see where this part of my life goes. Each day is a new adventure and decisions to make. Finding this peace and calm within myself is absolutely beautiful. You know how many years it took me to find it? 33. Yup. This is spectacular beyond belief because I was always so riddled with anxiety.

I have a new understanding that I am saved through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He died for every single nasty sin I have, am currently, or ever will commit. The Holy Spirit keeps me safe and guides me. Even when making horrible decisions, I have my shield of protection to keep me in tact. Who knew the power of words could seem so magnificent?

This is one of my favorite types of therapy. Lord knows I’ve learned my fair share of tips, tricks, and methods that I have kept in my repertoire. Self-therapy has been some of the MOST successful therapy I’ve ever experienced. You want to know why? You ONLY know You Best. It’s just nice to take these things and use them for the better of ourselves.

Yes, I do speak with a therapist using Betterhelp. It’s wonderful and for such a short period of time talking, I’ve actually had a couple little positive breakthroughs. It took me until the second person to really help me out, but it’s worth it. Mental health is so pushed to the side, it seriously needs to be acknowledged. Internal is much more precious than external.

Loud

My mind won’t turn off. No matter how hard I try to calm it, the thoughts just keep coming at me like an automatic baseball thrower. I don’t understand why I continue to be so hard on myself. I feel numb. I feel ugly. I feel fat. I feel undeserving. I feel unmotivated. I am depressed. I want to be happy, healthy, and striving for things that will only help to make my life better, but even that is too much. I’m scared, complacent and not sure what the hell I’m doing with my life. I am STUCK.

Even though I think these things, I don’t know where to begin to stop this ongoing traffic jam in my head. I feel small and weak. I am not doing anything at my full potential, but it’s like I just can’t make myself do it. As much as I hear the positive, it’s like it’s trapped and I can’t become the positivity. My thinking is so negative and dark. I try to be thankful for everything I have but I still feel like I’m not doing my part at all. Who am I? What the fuck am I doing with my life? I feel like I’m at an absolute standstill and I have no clue where I’m supposed to go. What direction, what road do I take, I need help. I can’t do this on my own.

I can’t stand myself. Having to live with me is the biggest punishment I could’ve ever received. It’s full of horrible ideas and things that it wants to do instead of getting better. Once my mind is set on an idea, it rolls with it and I have no control over what happens next. I hate myself for that. I truly and honestly don’t understand why I am even here. My purpose, or the one I think is my purpose, doesn’t make me feel fulfilled. I’m just a no body pretending to know what I’m doing in this life without a damn clue. Does anybody really know what they are doing?

Failure. Fragile. Weak. Disconnected. Downfall. Addict.

Those words just came to mind again. It’s on repeat. Just reminded myself, not the mother my son deserves. My mental health is at an all time low and when I’m like this, there is no telling what dumbass decisions I will make when I am alone. It makes me sad that I feel this way. There are some who want me to self-sabotage inside and when the answer has been locked in, there is no turning back. So what do I do? I’ll tell you.

Starve myself. Take too many pills just to feel good. Drink, in whichever way that I can get it. I always think every time it will be different and I always prove myself wrong Wrong WRONG WRONG!

Why do I choose such unhealthy choices to try and numb my already numbed pain that I can’t get rid of? How do I be, whatever the fuck, normal is and just stop being this way. I feel like I have no control over what I do sometime and that scares me to death. Writing it out when I’m not stubborn enough to express myself truly helps when I’m frightened I might do something stupid. My mindset when I woke up this morning wasn’t good. That’s just the set up for the rest of the day as much as I try to make it the opposite. I feel defeated. Completely. Utterly. Defeated.

Lord. You are silent. I am weak. I need help. Your strength. Keep me from seeking things that displease you, that will never honor you. Help me from making decisions that will make me fall flat on my face and break my heart. I just don’t know what I’m doing. I just feel “here” and that’s it. Waiting to die. This waiting room feels like hell. I don’t know how to pull myself back up. I feel like I’m slipping and that’s NOT what I want. What am I supposed to be doing for you, Jesus? What is my purpose? How come I feel so stuck? Why don’t I have a clear picture of what I know my life should be, but isn’t? This season is frustrating, but I feel like it’s been decades of “this season” and I’ growing tired of it. Just tired.

I’m going to take a Xanax now and become a shell of myself. I just don’t want these thoughts throwing jabs at me all day. I just can’t do it.

All Aboard

Distractions from spending time with God

What is making your thought train derail?

Outside distractions, worldly pitstops

Think of your mind as a train. You put fuel into it by going to God before you start the long journey that is your day. We are at a steady pace and an unexpected stop comes up. What is that station called?  “Manic-Panic Station” is all too familiar to me. The first thing I do is panic about what could go wrong during the day. My sensors are already out of sorts and I feel I may derail at any moment. I could literally be stuck there for a couple minutes to a good half hour and it completely delays the movement of my steady coasting speed. Now I feel as if I am behind so the panic just decides to take a seat on one of my passenger cars and we rear on ahead. I’ve decided, “I can do this. I don’t need help, I will be fine.” A little bit later I realize I’ve got an interview coming up and I am so not ready. Anxiety and Doubt decide to join. Snuggled in and making themselves comfortable, we start again. My pace already feels like it’s dragging and the weight of my emotions are making the coals burn out too fast.

Coffee! That will do the trick. I just need a pick-me-up. That’ll get me to the “Creative Station” where I can begin writing and coming up with posts for the weeks to come. It does the complete opposite. I feel exhausted, jittery, and like I am a cord with a short in it. The spark is there, it just doesn’t connect to get started. This happens all to often. I know what I am capable of. It’s there and I can feel it, but getting started is the toughest position for me. Once I get past the starting line, I’m okay. The initial wave of the flag to GO makes me recoil back in fear and freeze. It’s where I’m at all the time and I fear I can’t get past that first step.

I say I don’t know what is holding me back but I know that failure, disappointment, worthlessness, confusion, and loneliness is what causes me to shrink back. I can be sitting still and minding my own business and then out of no where I hear a voice telling me that I just can’t do this. It startles me because it feels like it’s coming from behind me and I look up from what I’m doing and no one is there. Clear as day I hear the negativity and it’s prominent. The positive voices sound muffled and trapped behind the crowd of insecurities that they can only squeeze through when one isn’t paying quite enough attention to the panic.

I feel myself turn around, shoulders slumped, and figure there’s nothing I can do. Just try again tomorrow. Slump away again. Every day, never making progress, stuck behind the insecurities that push me to the wayside. To have my mind have that kind of control over me frightens me. It makes me feel like a prisoner in my own body. I respond the way I’m told to because we can’t upset anyone else, that’ll make the day so much worse.

Disappointment.

Failure.

Worthlessness.

Fear.

Panic.

Depression.

Self-image.

Addiction.

Loneliness.

These all get in my way. Every single day. At some point. I’m medicated yet not dedicated. I go to God and I talk and I have awesome conversations. I read the Bible and it amazes me when reading it with fresh eyes. I feel a contentment and calm fall over me, yet I can’t make it stay past that moment. I’m constantly gripping, reaching for these feelings. They slip through my fingers so delicately, again, holding onto nothing. Day in, day out.

I feel strength when I am doing anything related to God. Music, study, reading, praying, talking out loud, meditating on scripture. Once I’m done, it’s like the thrill is over and I’m back to this life that is not anything I would’ve imagined for myself at 32. How can I feel so lonely and not be? I wonder that all the time. It’s a cold and useless feeling that I wear like a hoodie all too often. I’m not sure why or how this poured out of me when I felt so blank, but maybe that’s where the inner workings of my mind flourish. I don’t know. This doesn’t make sense to me at all. I just don’t want to be useless, a waste, or not enough.

I want to truly mean something, be something, and do whatever I can to help others. Maybe that’s just it, I’m not even willing to help myself, how could I give myself away when I’ve nothing to give?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

You know that wonderful button combo that you press and you can shut down whatever you want, granted you don’t blue screen because of how messed up you are?

Oh, you thought I was talking about my computer? Nah. That thing runs just fine. What isn’t running right is the hardwire system inside my head. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not. I’m running on fumes.

There are too many tasks running and tabs open that shouldn’t even be there. Some of the things that run through my head on a constant loop would scare someone who just doesn’t understand what I’ve been through.

Let me guess? Constant failure. Feeling of defeat. Not good enough. Never going to be loved properly by a man? Makes sense to me, complete and total sense as I’m working backwards to see where it all went wrong. Thing is? I can’t do this on my own. I hate admitting defeat but I need to talk to someone.

I’ve been putting off writing because I needed a break and while I did, I think I went insane twice. I know of two weeks that I don’t remember clearly because I wasn’t feeling fully functional. Talk about a dissociation party, I was all up in that. I wanted nothing to do with my thoughts, my feelings, who I was, who I am? I’m trying to figure who I am and I’m 32. Struggle is real folks.

I feel like I’m constantly begging God for help in my head. Take these thoughts. Take these actions. Take my fears. Take my worries. Take my pain. Take it all. I don’t want it. I also can’t come to the realization that I’ve been forgiven. I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I just can’t comprehend it, whatsoever, in my scrambled mind.

I’ve been watching The Chosen on Peacock TV. This man who plays Jesus was made to play this role. The amount of biblical truth that is portrayed in that show is mesmerizing. When I watch it and when Jesus speaks, it’s like he is speaking into my soul. The amount of comfort, the gentleness he plays in his character is breathtaking. It’s what I would have imagined my thoughts to play out to be as I read the Bible.

I feel close when I’m in my Bible, watching anything about Jesus, and yet now I have a bit of a step back in the joy I used to have in the ministry.

Let me explain.

I am confused as far as who I trust anymore. That’s just a give in. My whole life has felt that way and continues on. Someone I know and still love, I can no longer communicate with or I feel like I’m mentally going to go off the deep end. Thing is, I blame myself. Always. So there’s that. I lost my best friend, again.

It’s a touchy subject. She left thoughts in my head that make me question the people of the ministry and I don’t mean to. I “tread lightly” I suppose from here on out. I just want to write. I want to express how I feel, the way Jesus makes me feel. I know I can help so many out there, but I’m afraid of my own voice. Literally. I lost two jobs because of it. Completely froze in fear and panic because I didn’t think I would be good enough. This is my own burden to bear and quite frankly, it’s not one I thought I’d have a problem with.

So much has changed after all the traumatic and chaotic episodes that has happened in my life. I feel like I should be “back to normal”, whatever that is, by now. I can honestly say, I’ve been through decades of mental/physical abuse and am just now starting to understand it.

I tried to open up in Christian Counseling. Well, it opened up my heart and mind to things I completely shut myself out to since I was about 7 or 8. Meeting my best friend’s next door neighbor was on of the worse decisions of my life and I didn’t even know it. It’s where it all started and then I just see the murky water start to creep up and watch it slowly try to reach over my head until I’m gasping for life again. Not in my sin to cope, but in the Hope of Jesus Christ Himself.

Bad things happen to people with no explanation as to why. Life is damaged. I try every day to not feel these feelings that drag me down and then make me afraid to talk to my own family. I’m too scared. I think I’m the Black Sheep. Ultimate Failure. Honest to God. I feel like I can’t even take care of myself, let alone my son, the church, a job, my emotions, finances, all of it. I feel like I’m failing the best relationship I’ve ever been in because I’m too busy freaking out over false thoughts I believe to be true. I feel if no one is telling me I’m not good enough or I never do anything right, well, I must just yell them at myself, right?

No. I have got to stop. It is mentally breaking me and I can tell it’s getting worse. It’s hard to come out with these things, but how else am I going to? I bottled up a secret almost the entirety of my life…

I do feel a bit of relief, I didn’t think I would just sit down and this would all come out. I needed this. I can’t keep myself from expressing myself some how. It’s healthier to write it down than it is to act it out. My actions aren’t the greatest when I’m low.

I need you Jesus. I am nothing without you guiding me.

My Little Piece Of Heaven

My whole life was depicted by Disney fantasies of finding my Prince Charming or run away with Robin Hood. A clever fox with a selfless heart and the making of an “outer” badass. What is it with me and foxes? Maybe I’m just Foxy, who knows…

I’d like to share my experience about receiving something extremely special from someone I know I’m going to live out my life successfully with. So here goes…

It was a day like no other, the stand-alone a/c unit from Amazon (that’s absolutely AH-mazing) was humming its cool and jazzy tune. My dapper of a Dan (Patrick) beside me, head curved down into my chest, hand secure on my hip, and lips that I was dying to kiss. Okay, is anybody else getting a little hot? Or is it just me?

It was about 8 o’clock (which is sleeping in for me) and I was so DEPRESSED. I’m talking, 20 pound weight blanket that your son is in love with, and that heaviness that swells in your eyes making you want to cry at any moment. That’s about where I was at. These days happen. I wake up and it’s already there, weighing me down and trying to get me to stay in that bed. Something I was very fond of as hungover as I used to be all the time.

I covered my head with my Lady and The Tramp blanket and sighed deeply. I could feel concern resonate off of him and he sat down beside me and lifted the blanket. He asked, “What’s bothering you, dear?” I willingly replied, “I’m actually extremely depressed today.” A moment of consoling and I was out and in the living room to begin my day of self-pity parties.

An hour later Patrick came out of the room and says that it’s time to “Play Hooky.” It’s been about since high school since I’ve done that but this time, it’s with the right person. You live and you learn. I was all for it. I knew if I didn’t just get out and live a little, I was going to revert back to a bad habit. It’s like quenching your thirst for the sin you are in. You get a little taste and it can calm you for about another month or two. You could also compare it to a vampire needing its sinful lifeline of human blood. It will save or kill you.

We both got ready and went out the door to begin our little day date. We went to a couple different places. Game Stop, Barnes and Noble, and another place I wasn’t expecting to EVER step foot into. The Apple Store.

I knew what was about to take place in all honesty, but it didn’t feel real. I was extremely dissociated the majority of the time we were going through the motions of purchasing a phone. For the record, I don’t have any good ones because I am cursed when it comes to technology, apparently.

We get led into the store and asked what we are there for. Patrick, without skipping a beat, “I’d like an iPhone 11 in mint green, if you have it.” I’m not sure what number of “mind-blown” I was at yet, but it’s was probably in the double digits. When Leslie asked who the service would be for today, he again, “It’s for her.” My heart didn’t beat out of my chest, it retreated into a silent cave and stopped. Then after a few seconds of realizing I’m just staring off wondering when my heart was going to start again I felt a “woosh” wash over me and my heart thumped with so much love that it overwhelmed my whole body. I felt completely disjointed from myself and I could just stand there and watch it all take place.

I held back tears until in the car. Needless to say, I don’t remember much of him paying for it, what was said after that, it was like a dream. This is a big deal to me because I’ve never had nice things in a romantic relationship. Not like this. A nice thing in my previous relationship would consist of a shiny Irish delight or as it’s labeled, “Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey.” Slamming back shots and not remembering shit until the next day. “Living the dream, surviving the nightmare”, as you used to say, darlin.

If you haven’t guessed, yes, I am a trauma holder.

Back to what is important, Patrick’s humbled and compassionate gesture. It was not about the phone and it never will be. It’s about the selfless and Christ-like mentality that he already possesses. It’s amazing the morals, patience, and acceptance this man has to offer. The holy spirit resonates within him and he shows me it ALL the time. I’ll explain.

Wiping away my tears and explaining over and over and over again how this is not anything I expected and I would never take advantage of his time, money, or soul. It’s not possible. I don’t understand how the scum he was with before could just use and abuse this man like that. It’s not within my nature to want to ever hurt the person I am with, until you royally hurt me. That is how I used to go about the situation. I don’t care what happens, I will never hurt Patrick. If I do, I will always be honest and apologize. To even think of being with another man or woman (Even if I joke about it to deflect from the pain of my ugly past) it’s non-existent. She is dormant.

When he looked into my eyes, there was a light behind his beautiful silk brown eyes that almost turned them into a caramel color. I saw what genuine love actually looks like. For the first time. I have NEVER had this experience before. His smile and the way he was looking at me had me feeling all sorts of ways. At that point I didn’t know how to feel physically. I was numb, but my emotions, thriving.

It was the most mind-blowing moment of them all, and I did experience quite a bit that day.

True love. It does exist. You just have to start letting God chisel away the pieces that don’t belong and shape you into the person you were always meant to be.