So like clockwork I am up. My lack of sleep has been frustrating and being so thrown off is making me feel a little irritable. Last night I woke up at 1:30 am and I was awake until 9 last night. I took my two gummy melatonin and passed out. Woke up at 10:30, then 12, and have been up since. I don’t understand where this is coming from. It’s never been this way before. It’s like I wake up and I have a huge adrenaline rush and then there’s no telling if I’m going back to sleep or not. It could just be the anxiety of going through custody issues and divorce. My traumatic experience was very night based so my body just might not want to sleep during it. That’s a huge possibility. I’ve taken a couple nap in the morning and seem to get the best sleep after taking Eddie to school and going on my walk/jog.
I guess I can’t complain, I’ve always been a night owl but like I said, not this bad. I end up feeling light headed and dizzy a lot because of the lack of sleep. It hasn’t crushed my motivation or routine. I am still going a hundred miles a minute every day and making the most out of it. I feel so tired but once my head hits the pillow I’m wide awake. I just wonder if I’ll ever get back to “normal.”
I also wonder if being on Prozac has anything to do with it. I also take Xanax with it to help with the panic and anxiety attacks. It has really been working, but is it working too good? I don’t know. Inside my head has been loud. I had a lot of insiders co-conscious with me since last night. They were helping me through Zoom court that of course had to be postponed until next month because Eddie’s father is dodging being served. The judge decided if he doesn’t show up at the next court hearing, he is just going to call it abandonment on the father’s part. It’s so upsetting because I never thought he would do this. I guess I was wrong. You really don’t know a person until you do. I’ve been through hell and back with him and I’m not willing to go back for the millionth time.
I think maybe everything will settle within me once everything is said and done. Or at least, I hope. The last two weekends spending the night at my sweetheart’s condo I have been having the same issue. Normally I can sleep really well in his arms but for some reason I’m getting maybe 4 hours and that’s it. Falling asleep around 3 and waking up at 7 or falling asleep at 2 and waking up at 6. Although this last time we both slept that same amount, it was really weird. We both take sleeping aids. We both also have manic bipolar depression, DID, and trauma-related issues. We are quite the pair. I’ve never met someone I’ve felt so relatable to in my life and that’s how I know we are supposed to be together. That and he also doesn’t do drugs or drink and has a love for and little bond with my son already that I am thrilled about. When your son says, “He’s such a nice guy,” and refers to him more than he does his own father, there’s a problem. There’s a lot to this part of the story and it’s unfolding nicely. I just want to move on with my life and be able to announce being with him. That’ll be the day.
When he was over the other day Eddie goes, “I need to talk to you,” and continued to tell him the traumatic story of how he is afraid of his father. He told him, “You and your Mommy are safe now, I won’t let anything happen to you and neither will your grandparents.” As little man was retelling the story I kept having flashbacks and it started to trigger a switch within that I wasn’t really ready for. It’s hard to keep it all together when you are reliving something no one else can see but you. I wasn’t standing in the living room with them, I was in that fucking bedroom again, in our living room again, in that kitchen again. This time really impacted me in ways I never thought imaginable and it’s been hard to work through without the help yet of a therapist. I want the help and I know I need the help. I want my son to seek therapy as well because this has hit him hard. I’m not sure what will ever become of his relationship with his father again, but I know it’s severely damaged.
Our bond, our connection, is stronger than ever. He admitted the whole time he was afraid for me and just wanted me home. It makes me feel a guilt I can’t explain, that I chose to stay in that situation with a man who wanted to just keep me sedated and making the most awful and wrong decisions. Those that I couldn’t tell you about because I being shut off to the experience by protection. I hate the fact that I can just be sitting here and something hits me and I remember a piece and it makes my heart jump out of my chest. I hear myself saying, “No, stop it. Don’t show me that,” more often than not, especially during the night. I just wonder if writing this down will help me at all to clear out my headspace just so I can get a couple more hours of sleep before getting up at 7 with little man for school. I sure hope so. I feel like I’ve been hit by a mack truck.
I guess I’ll leave it here for tonight. Who knows, maybe I’ll be back. I just keep thinking about other things to write about but I don’t want to go all over the place again. That’s a specialty of mine. Wish me luck.