My Little Piece Of Heaven

My whole life was depicted by Disney fantasies of finding my Prince Charming or run away with Robin Hood. A clever fox with a selfless heart and the making of an “outer” badass. What is it with me and foxes? Maybe I’m just Foxy, who knows…

I’d like to share my experience about receiving something extremely special from someone I know I’m going to live out my life successfully with. So here goes…

It was a day like no other, the stand-alone a/c unit from Amazon (that’s absolutely AH-mazing) was humming its cool and jazzy tune. My dapper of a Dan (Patrick) beside me, head curved down into my chest, hand secure on my hip, and lips that I was dying to kiss. Okay, is anybody else getting a little hot? Or is it just me?

It was about 8 o’clock (which is sleeping in for me) and I was so DEPRESSED. I’m talking, 20 pound weight blanket that your son is in love with, and that heaviness that swells in your eyes making you want to cry at any moment. That’s about where I was at. These days happen. I wake up and it’s already there, weighing me down and trying to get me to stay in that bed. Something I was very fond of as hungover as I used to be all the time.

I covered my head with my Lady and The Tramp blanket and sighed deeply. I could feel concern resonate off of him and he sat down beside me and lifted the blanket. He asked, “What’s bothering you, dear?” I willingly replied, “I’m actually extremely depressed today.” A moment of consoling and I was out and in the living room to begin my day of self-pity parties.

An hour later Patrick came out of the room and says that it’s time to “Play Hooky.” It’s been about since high school since I’ve done that but this time, it’s with the right person. You live and you learn. I was all for it. I knew if I didn’t just get out and live a little, I was going to revert back to a bad habit. It’s like quenching your thirst for the sin you are in. You get a little taste and it can calm you for about another month or two. You could also compare it to a vampire needing its sinful lifeline of human blood. It will save or kill you.

We both got ready and went out the door to begin our little day date. We went to a couple different places. Game Stop, Barnes and Noble, and another place I wasn’t expecting to EVER step foot into. The Apple Store.

I knew what was about to take place in all honesty, but it didn’t feel real. I was extremely dissociated the majority of the time we were going through the motions of purchasing a phone. For the record, I don’t have any good ones because I am cursed when it comes to technology, apparently.

We get led into the store and asked what we are there for. Patrick, without skipping a beat, “I’d like an iPhone 11 in mint green, if you have it.” I’m not sure what number of “mind-blown” I was at yet, but it’s was probably in the double digits. When Leslie asked who the service would be for today, he again, “It’s for her.” My heart didn’t beat out of my chest, it retreated into a silent cave and stopped. Then after a few seconds of realizing I’m just staring off wondering when my heart was going to start again I felt a “woosh” wash over me and my heart thumped with so much love that it overwhelmed my whole body. I felt completely disjointed from myself and I could just stand there and watch it all take place.

I held back tears until in the car. Needless to say, I don’t remember much of him paying for it, what was said after that, it was like a dream. This is a big deal to me because I’ve never had nice things in a romantic relationship. Not like this. A nice thing in my previous relationship would consist of a shiny Irish delight or as it’s labeled, “Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey.” Slamming back shots and not remembering shit until the next day. “Living the dream, surviving the nightmare”, as you used to say, darlin.

If you haven’t guessed, yes, I am a trauma holder.

Back to what is important, Patrick’s humbled and compassionate gesture. It was not about the phone and it never will be. It’s about the selfless and Christ-like mentality that he already possesses. It’s amazing the morals, patience, and acceptance this man has to offer. The holy spirit resonates within him and he shows me it ALL the time. I’ll explain.

Wiping away my tears and explaining over and over and over again how this is not anything I expected and I would never take advantage of his time, money, or soul. It’s not possible. I don’t understand how the scum he was with before could just use and abuse this man like that. It’s not within my nature to want to ever hurt the person I am with, until you royally hurt me. That is how I used to go about the situation. I don’t care what happens, I will never hurt Patrick. If I do, I will always be honest and apologize. To even think of being with another man or woman (Even if I joke about it to deflect from the pain of my ugly past) it’s non-existent. She is dormant.

When he looked into my eyes, there was a light behind his beautiful silk brown eyes that almost turned them into a caramel color. I saw what genuine love actually looks like. For the first time. I have NEVER had this experience before. His smile and the way he was looking at me had me feeling all sorts of ways. At that point I didn’t know how to feel physically. I was numb, but my emotions, thriving.

It was the most mind-blowing moment of them all, and I did experience quite a bit that day.

True love. It does exist. You just have to start letting God chisel away the pieces that don’t belong and shape you into the person you were always meant to be.

Ramblings on a Saturday

I feel strange when I don’t start out with a title. I just don’t have it yet. As much as I wish my sore/dry throat would go away, irritating cough, and drowsiness. I’m actually in a pretty good place today. I’m excited to see Eddie and spend some quality family time with everyone. Including Patrick. Inseparable now. I don’t have to do life without him anymore and so I’m not. I want my life to consist of Eddie and Patrick. I want the little family that loves each other that I never got to truly experience. I won’t say we didn’t have great times, but they were obviously so far and few between.

Last Easter I felt so broken. The one before felt so fake with a comical yet obvious call to the cops because Michael was drunk and acting out of anger. You know, typical Clark bullshit. It’s why I decided to keep the Clark name. Eddie and I are going to be the one to redeem that family name. We will go far, God-willing. Doing everything for the right reasons. I never want my son to think an alcoholic beverage will settle any kind of argument going on in his head. I wish I had someone to tell me what was going to happen to me. Think I would’ve kept on this path?

Want my honest to God opinion? If I knew I’d still be alive, I would in a heartbeat. You want to know why? I feel like I deserve the hurt and the damage. If I knew I would just be going to the hospital a couple times and coming close to death but just skirting it, you bet your ass. I am addicted to familiarity. Who isn’t? It’s just sad when someone’s “comfort” is another’s “chaotic battle.” It’s funny the things you become so adapted to that is becomes “normal.” Which, by the way, there is no such thing as normal.

It feels good to admit where I know I can’t control the thoughts but when I put them down it helps get it out. This is such a therapeutic and resourceful escape. I’m so glad God blessed me with this ability. I am the one who bottles (literally) everything up inside. I may have taken the quote a little too seriously. I used the bottle to drown it all out. I guess if you are addicted to the way anxiety and fear makes you feel, you’d understand. I had to adapt or I would’ve died.

I feel like we have to blend in to make it anymore. It’s sad. I’m sure it’s always been that way, but for the present, it’s a horribly shocking feeling. I feel bad sometimes for those who read this. More times than not it’s just my negativity or my extreme manic episodes. I wish I could just tell my story, but yes. I am here, “Where do I start?” There is so much.

Has everyone else had a good Holy Week so far? I know I have. I’ve been hanging with the Lord, better understanding his story and trying to have a deeper relationship with my Father.

Thank you for the blessings you’ve placed in my life. I would’ve never thought I’d be sitting in this living room with a dog named Dexter trying to understand that life doesn’t have to be a drunken chaotic mess. It can be happy, truly Disney-filled (without it fixing the problem), and still have a good head on my shoulders. Again. The new and improved Clark Family. Eddie. We will always show them, won’t we? The strength we possess is beyond anything anyone will ever comprehend. I feel our bond and it’s unbreakable. I knew that from the moment you were born. There is no lie when it comes to the mother/son bond. (Or daughter)

Eddie,

I want to apologize for not knowing how to be the Mom you needed in the beginning. I’m sorry I thought a drunken decision is what would be best for Jonathan and I. I am also blessed that God already had made that decision for us at least a month after we proclaimed we wanted a child. I won’t forget that moment. For me, my experience, I just knew once I said those words I was. Of course I was stupid drunk, but I took a test the next day and I didn’t drink again until two days after I had Eddie. I vicariously drank through Jonathan. I would pick when I would have him drink, sometimes it’d be multiple nights in a row because I needed stupidity around me, apparently. I was jealous and I was only thinking of myself.

To go back and be able to realize all this now, you would think, would piss me off. It doesn’t. The trial I went through, I came out so much stronger in the end. Battle-ready, baby! God is good. I can promise you that. I defeated the enemy more times than I wanted to, but every time and the times from now on, I know how to fight him even better. Standing in my armor of truths and the holy spirit flowing through my veins. This vessel is spoken for. I am Jesus’ Girl!

Ripple

Am I still supposed to be this sad? Am I always going to remember the short amount of time I was able to know you as a Dad? It makes my heart ache and eyes well up with tears because Mom was so lucky to have you. You truly showed her what it was like to be genuinely loved no matter what. I used to always compare my partnerships with Gram and Papa but now it’s just as relevant to say Mom and Pops.

When the music changes it changes everything. So this band, my all time favorite band, is Tom’s favorite as well. He first gave me my first taste of KoRn. I was hooked in all sorts of ways. Let the manipulation begin … at 7 years old? Hmm. I just feel like Follow The Leader CD cover completely makes sense to me. The little girl hopping towards the edge in her pretty red dress. Enough to make a grown man cry. This music makes me happy and like I’m going to eventually snort a line of cocaine. Something of which I do not have at the moment.

Thank God for vape pens. That’s all I’ve got to say. There is a lot of negativity inside of me at the moment. I talked to a drunk Jonathan this morning and midday and afternoon. My brain really is a mess at the moment. I just know how bad he’s hurting. I don’t want him to do anything stupid. I’m not looking it from his point of view either. I don’t know what I would do if I could only see Eddie once a week for an hour. My heart would break. I would feel suicidal and like life is worth every single sip because I won’t get to see my son again.

I hate when that happens. I have a lot of demons. This is just a little proof. I’m trying to keep myself busy and mine occupied. Normally if I can manage that I don’t have to worry about going to places I don’t need to surround myself with. Made some tea because my throat is hurting, scratchy, and no matter how much I cough or clear my throat, it still tickles. I love honey to coat a sore throat. It’s comforting. We have the widows open and the breeze is so nice and cool. It feels like home. Husky at the feet, love of my life playing games, all that’s missing is my Eddie. I miss him. A lot. I have a lot of issues around the topic of my son.

All things considered, my temper has extremely improved and I am level headed when speaking to him now. That whole demeanor has changed and it makes me feel proud of myself for once. I’m so excited for Easter this year. I received some goodies in the mail to put together for Eddie’s basket. All educational but fun. I did throw in a “Would you rather” book for around his age. It’s really cute. I enjoy dying the eggs with him too. It’ll be fun to have the whole family together to partake in that. It makes me so happy that Patrick get to be apart of these memories. Eddie is seriously coming around to it all and I’m so thankful. God subtly throws in a little nudge of encouragement and affirmation sometimes and it’s beautiful. Thank you, Lord.

A Little Of This…

So, how are y’all doing? I hope all good, I only wish the best. These last few weeks, if I’m to be honest, have felt like a dream. I feel like I’m gently gliding through my day to day and it’s been quite relaxing and joyful. I have been learning a lot about myself. I am Godfident. Yes, I have Godfidence. I woke up at 10:29 out of a dead sleep and made myself open my notes on my phone and write down that word. I also wrote a definition. Want to read? Chances are very high you are going to.

Godfidence: Confidently through God. The inner workings of the holy spirit to conduct an act, emotion, or gesture.

Go a head, you know that was clever. I then fell right back asleep. I do weird things like that all the time though. Yes, of course. You can totally use it, I give you permission. I’m sure this word already exists but I’m just going to roll with the cleverness. I’m such a sly fox. I tell you what.

I’ve got a lot going on with the ministry at the moment and I’m loving every millisecond of it. I can’t tell you how happy I am when I’m doing things for God. The feeling is unlike anything I could honestly describe. There is absolutely NO doubt in my mind, his word is living and is very real. I can’t wait to continue with what’s all going on there.

I was able to video chat Victoria for almost two hours today. It was one of the best parts of my day. She is as sweet as pie and has the best personality. We truly click and I love that about us.

So it’s next morning, I was too tired to finish the entry. I have a little next to me who LOVES Vanellope from Wreck-It-Ralph. She is always in her get up, hair done and all. It’s so sweet and she can age slide. So about 6 all the way up to 15. My love of matchbox and Hot Wheels cars have nooooothing to do with it. The fact I love all racing movies and games.

I had a brief intermission there and have no idea what I was talking about. So let’s just move on? I have a meeting at 12:30 and then off to get some goodies. Excited to be done and get out. I’m in a subtle/calm yet excitable mood. I’m digging it. Autumn got to do some things this morning and now she is just chillin next to me. We get tired of writing sometimes too, it happens. Life is honestly not that interesting sometimes.

Hard to believe.

I know.

It’s funny…

Most times I feel like I have to have everything together to create a post. Like I’m actually put together when in fact I am not one bit. I wanted to add pictures to this, but I have to finish something so I can do so. I’m such an interesting character. Yes, characters.

Just harms my credibility doesn’t? Nah. You’re happy and enjoying your every moment, they are not. Whoever is doubtful, hateful, drowning in self-loathing, that’s a shame, you should work on yourself. Yes. You. My existence has nothing to do with the mood you are in, the circumstances you are facing, and the life you may be living. I just bring forth something that triggers you and so you react. Simple, really.

I’m in an odd mood today, if I’m to be honest. I woke up feeling sick, took cold/flu Mucinex, and have just been kind of here. I’m having a lot of “out of body” feelings today. I don’t quite feel myself or comfortable in my body? It’s strange, but it is what it is. It’s like when two parts of me want to do one thing and one wants to do the other. So we compromise. Sometimes it doesn’t happen that easily. Today, we’re alright. Pretty in sync.

Weird thought. I bet if you put a super sensitive person into my body and had them live a day in my life, they would be in a mental institution within an hour. Tops. I’ve learned to learn with it but someone who hasn’t been conditioned their whole life? It would be enough of a shock to put you in a coma or just drop dead. That is personally how I feel. I am not afraid of my own mind anymore. I know it’s not going to do anything stupid because that means we are all gone then. Suicide is never the answer, kids. This isn’t a joke. I’ve dealt with it.

If I could be Deadpool and regenerate to save others, I would in a heart beat. Bring on the pain, heartache, and endless traumatic chaos that ensues. I am doing it for one. I have recently decided that I would be a Gray Jedi. I “walk the line.” I am enough of both to balance me out and do what is necessary on this mission: earth.

We literally simulate life.

I think it’s about time to frost the cake, if it’s cooled down enough. I go about 45 minutes to an hour so the icing doesn’t stick to the cake and pull it all up and make it look like a kid stuck their fingers all through it.

So, let me get on that and take a picture when I’m done with that task. What kind of foodie would I be if I didn’t show you the goods? Two words. Food. Porn.

The frosting tastes like Fruity Pebbles too… I’m dying.

I Am Okay.

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I am okay,” and really meant it? Same. Until I truly am okay. I am honest to God satisfied with where I am at in this point of my life. It’s beautiful. I’m not married. I have a sweet man who loves me as if I were his wife. My son is a blessing from above in every literal sense. My family is close and I know they care deeply for me as I do for them. I get a sweet husky companion again. Autumn and her Dakota. Or Betsi and her Dexter (Dexxy). I live in a two story condo half the week and a beautiful ranch style home the other half. I am living two lives. Seriously. I know I am.

I am okay.

I love doing therapeutic things. Here is what I consider therapeutic:

  • Journaling (Obviously)
  • Studying the Bible
  • Cooking/Baking
  • Making a cup of coffee and mixing the flavors to get a swirl of amazement on my tongue.
  • Putting things together. Figuring out what one thing has to do with the other and how it all relates to the Bible.
  • Writing, drawing, painting, pottery, photography
  • Sitting on the beach, toes in the sand and listening to the waves hum its’ beautiful tune.
  • Going for walk
  • Listening to a record on a record player.
  • Sipping on hot chocolate and cuddling up to Eddie.
  • My son. I love him so much.
  • Praying, spending time with the Lord. (That of which I’ve been getting A LOT of lately. I feel one hundred times better.)
  • Volunteering for Proverbs 31 Ministries.
  • Folding fresh laundry
  • Washing dishes
  • Cleaning, really.
  • Decorating
  • Creating
  • Choose Your Own Adventure Stories.
  • Epsom Salt Baths
  • Lighting candles/Wax Warmers

I ran out of things to list at the moment. Just had the itch to make a list. I do that from time to time if you’ve been with me for a while. Something about them is so organizational and alluring. Me in a nutshell.

You know even through it all, I am cared for. Loved. Taken care of. It’s all through the Lord that this is happening. Isn’t that magnificent? I couldn’t be in a better place at the moment than I am right now.

Do you know what today is? Just another day. No longer an anniversary, just an ordinary day in the year. I choose to not let my past define me and the memories attached to certain days to stay any longer. I’ve made so many new memories attached to old things and it’s such a great feeling to be able to enjoy things I pushed away for so long. There is a point where things can be appreciated “in the moment.” That’s how I’m trying to live, in the moment. I have to say, it’s working really well now.

I can’t stop thinking about my next advancement in the church. I can’t believe I signed up for Psychology at a Christian college. It blows my mind I’ve finally went through with something. I can’t tell you how excited I am. I love school. Plain and simple. I didn’t want to seem like a nerd so I tried to “fit in” which was technically “fitting in to not fit in?” Aka “The Outsiders.” Aka “The goth, emo, poetry kids.” Or as Ricky could call it, “The Leftsiders.” Or Left side of the bell tower. Funny. I am mentioning this. I had to get my transcripts from the high school today.

So I’m not sure where I’m going with this today.

I am okay.

“Soul Mate”

So here lately I’ve been noticing that I have been replacing “My Favorite Song” with “My Soul Mate Song,” etc. and so forth. I do believe in soul mates. Something in me says that I have many soul mates, or “favorites.” I wasn’t born with my “soul sister,” I found that in Victoria and she found it in Ciara. We are both totally fine with that because we know we love each other and will always have each others backs no matter what situation we may be in. That’s sisterly love right there. (Battle Ready.)

The family we were born into is the one God placed us in and through Jesus we found our “extended family” OR “marriage.”

These are the thoughts that run through my head a lot. Just a little taste doesn’t hurt. Or does it?

So, Patrick bought me this salted caramel coffee for our new Keurig and it is amazingly delicious. I bought a Honey Bun one by Donut Shoppe. The best. He got some caffeinated Hot Cocoa. It’s actually really good too. Unless he really reads this without me feeling like I need to show him, I fill the cup 10oz. setting and then add a 3-count pour of M&Ms Creamer (Or any to your likin.)

That’s how I make your H.C. taste so good, babe. You get to have my “secret recipe” if you see this. BAM!

Writing that felt very, “Riddle Me This…” lol

It feels so good to write in here again. I get more therapy out of this than my own therapist (and she’s GOOD, don’t get me wrong). I’ve seen her for a while now and we already have blown my mind twice, so. I’m sticking with her, when the money is available. She understands my “struggle.”

So, I hate my job. Well, not my actual job (Ministry.) The Health Insurance Company. I think I’m about to finally fail and be let go from a job. It doesn’t bother me one bit. I am more of an outgoing social (in-person) person. That’s the honest to God real me. This whole “I’m reserved and to myself” bull crap is being squashed. This is who I was always meant to be but I hid her behind drugs and alcohol and relationships (both sexes). “Forgive Tom, Father, For He Did Not Know What He Did.”

“I’m on the Wrong Side of Heaven, but the Righteous Side of Hell.” Those lyrics are definitely resonating through me big time.

Happy Sunday, Everyone ❤

On and On We’ll Go

My voice won and it decided it is going to say exactly what comes to mind now. I’ve never confronted someone before because I was snooping. It was almost a feeling of, “This feels wrong, but there is a right to be made in this.” It wasn’t a wrong feeling. I almost don’t want to speak of the incident because I have some points to make about myself first.

I have already betrayed trust multiple times, yet you forgive me every time and move on. Literally letting it go. You have the workings of a disciple but are so lost and far from God. I on the other hand, had the inner working of a demon and knew God was there but chose to ignore and go with that amazingly hypnotic sinner’s life. Once it grabs and digs its’ claws into you, it is the hardest things to remove.

I know my background and the person I used to be, and am still trying to clean up after today. I am far from deserving of any grace for our Lord, but he grants it anyway because of his love for us. I’m not proud of my past and the person I was, but that has nothing to do with the lovely and beautiful woman of God I’ve been turning into. This transformation is amazing. It’s more of a revelation experience and spiritual than anything.

My own insecurities get to me and know how to weasel their way into my brain. Sending shocks of anxiety and stress pulsating at my temples. I’ve been through so much I haven’t let that defeat me. Why would I be so upset over reading a transcript on your phone from two days ago from your ex? I mean, she only mentioned she was worried about you and how she needs to see you, maybe Monday or Tuesday (the days I’m not here.) and goes on to express her “love” for him. Nothing to worry about right? No read flags fly up at all? I’m not just holding a red flag in front of a raging bull am I? Let me know now. I’m not up for playing games of life or death, because I promise you. This time. It will end up being death.

Baggage attracts baggage. I know, it sounds so romantic, but it’s the truth. Life is a choice of accepting you can handle what the other brings from their experiences in life and you can work through them. That’s all I want of this relationship. I haven’t felt tremors like I did after I read that and it made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack. Thing is? I was okay to die right then and their. Then no one has to deal with my string I pull along on the earth until it gets snagged and cut on the sharp pain of reality.

Patrick, all I’m saying is. You knew me from the beginning at my most vulnerable moments. You saw the good, bad, and the ugly the first two days we were together. I remember looking into your eyes in the kitchen after I took a shot of whisky and you grabbed my face, looked into my eyes, and said something, that might have been when you said you loved me. I remember the feeling I had before I blacked out and it was of peace and safety and like everything would eventually be okay.

I have experienced hurt you could not even possibly imagine, one because you are not a woman, and two, because it’s my story, not yours. You are just apart of it. I have NEVER in my life said so clearly in the most shaky voice, “I can’t continue to have a relationship with you if you don’t take your ex out of your life.” I felt like I wasn’t the one saying it because I was freezing and all I could do is just listen to our conversation. I don’t know who helped me out this time, but whoever it was, it was much appreciated.

My boundaries are set securely in place, I only judge character. Talk is cheap. Actions are admirable depending on the outcome. I will continue to stand and hold my own with you as my companion. I’m not going to let anyone take away my experience of finding a soul mate. I thought I’ve found that in you. Was I too eager to want it to be true? Am I always eager to find love so quickly that I don’t pay attention and let the things happen anyway? Something in me is in complete agreeance that no one can come before my relationship with the Lord. As much as I love everyone in my life, he is definition of love.

With that being said. I love you and I’m sorry for the way I acted. I should’ve never went to the voicemails but that tempting (15) that haven’t been checked made me curious even as I felt the guilt creep up my stomach and into my shoulder and neck, making my head feel dizzy. When I saw her name I thought my heart stopped and everything went silent. Again, never reacted the way I did with anyone. It makes me believe there seriously is something very special about you. Everything we’ve been through, our families, it all makes sense to me. All of it. I see Joy and a Future with you. Do you truly see this too?

I am used to chaotic and catastrophic events for the majority of my life, if you need to say something or get it off you chest, I’m here. I won’t ever go anywhere. You can tell me anything. We’ve both experienced some shitty dealt hands in this life and we will never be able to understand our own hurts but damn do we empathize, sympathize, and connect in almost every way. That’s rare. Our love is rare. Tender. Loving. Juicy. Beautiful.

I love you with all I am. Don’t ever take my emotions for granted, it’s what failed me my whole life. I know you don’t have any intensions of making me feel that way, but we see things through different perspectives. That’s why I don’t make a big deal out of some thing because things make sense differently to others. I am learning to accept that you are seriously flawed, just like everyone on this earth. You’ve been through the wringer and you have hurts and vices to escape just like me. I’m learning them. I’m watching them as you watch mine because I don’t want anything to ever happen to you. I wouldn’t make it if I lost you.

You have to understand, I say everything I say out of love. It’s not to hurt you, belittle you, or make you feel less than. You are an amazingly sensitive and loyal man from what I’ve seen. Your intentions are good and I know you are just trying to do the right thing the ways you know how. You have a lot of work to do on your end and I want to be there every step of the way as you are for me. It’s what a relationship and commitment means. 50/50 is underrated, 100/100. We meet each other fully or not at all. Something I’m not unwilling to do because I know my worth and it’s through the holy spirit I am able to do so.

Know how much I love you. Just listen to my words and take it to heart, because it comes from mine. ❤

Here’s my, “I don’t know what to call this Note.”

I can’t necessarily call this a “thank you” note because honestly, there are a lot of things I haven’t been too fond of in my life that was just a series of unfortunate events. But I do want to thank you for everything good you have done and put in my life. I can’t express the gratitude I have for your kindness and generosity that flows from the kindness of your deceitful heart. (If I’m to be honest. God’s words, not mine. Well, and mine. What is his, is mine and mine, HIS.)

I think that God puts on the perfect songs at the exact time we need them. Mom, “February Seven” -The Avett Brothers, just started as I began this. Last night at Best Buy, not looking for it, there was a discounted album. “The Grateful Dead’s Greatest Hits” record and I couldn’t pass it up because I feel like there is a reason why these things happen. Subtle hints that certain people are around us when we need help in the ways they know how to. It’s funny how that works.

I told you, this isn’t a traditional thank you note because my mind wanders a lot and for now, I’ll let you experience my messy brain just this once.

Fun fact about this song playing (refer to paragraph 2.) I was cooking Chicken Cordon Bleus in our kitchen (Patrick’s) and this song came on. I just put the chicken in the oven and started washing my hands and this came on. I started singing and Dexter joined me in the kitchen and started singing with me. He is a very vocal pooch and I love that about him. So when I would sing he would “howlup” behind me. It was so sweet. It made me realize how much I love this life that the Lord is providing to us. It’s crazy how things work (I know, I’ve said that before, but that wasn’t my thoughts.)

I guess we will make this part to you Mom, because I don’t want to hurt Dad. Everyone’s feelings are meaningful to the Lord and also to me. I’ve opened up my eyes to a lot of hurt and pain that I can almost feel and it almost feels like I’m reading their minds when they show their emotions. I can hear the grief, hurt, the prayers, and fears that plague their mind. It’s a strange gift I’ve seemed to achieve. That or I really am just going crazy from all the stress, fears, and guilt in my life.

So let me get to the actual “thank you” part. Mom, I can’t explain to you everything you’ve done has been nothing short of a miracle for me. You have graciously taken the reigns when you knew I couldn’t handle them. I’m working on myself and as selfish as that may seem. Mom, if I don’t work on me first, there is no taking care of Eddie. I know who I am and what my feelings are, I just don’t remember them all because I’m not allowed to know that part of the library… yet.

I’m getting closer, I have been strengthened by the Lord as I continue to grow my relationship with him and all the relationships I must have here on earth. I know that right now, it is best that you and Dad have temporary custody of Eddie. He needs to get his Mom and his Dad back. This is in no way shape or form his fault and he needs affirmation as best as I can give at this moment in my healing process. I love Eddie and I don’t want anyone to ever think I don’t. My guilt eats at me to a point where I don’t know how to function. I feel like no words will come out of my mouth and I stumble and I stutter and it makes me feel stupid.

It’s a lot to go through and a lot to realize all at once. Just with my first session in counseling, I feel like a little too much flooded back, but God knows his timing and reasons for what he does. I have decided to dedicate and give my life to Him in the ways he sees fit, that’s his plan for all of us anyway. Why are we fighting it?

I feel like I have so much to owe you and not a lifetime enough to fulfill any kind of promise to you. I do feel like I’ve let you down as your daughter and that I can never ever add up to what I was as an “innocent” little baby who was just getting ready to tell her story to the world when she was ready. God had to make sure I was good and ready first before this step could occur.

I know that I’m meant to touch women’s lives who have experienced exactly what I have been through, and Mom, it’s a lot. More than you will ever care to know and more than I am ever willing enough to share. That’s just the humanistic side in me. My humility wants you to understand in any way that I can form a sentence to reach your medulla oblongata. We may have watched Water Boy last night. It’s just my “witty humor.” Not sure whom I acquired that from, but I heard she is Prrreeetttyyyyy awesome. ❤

I look up to you more than you will ever know. I feel like I’m trying to mimic everything you do from birth because you are my hero. You gave me life through our Lord and Savior and I get to live out my journey and be someone like that for someone else. Little do I realize, it’ll be Eddie in the long run. It literally is “The Circle of Life.” If they didn’t subliminally reference every part of heaven and hell, then I don’t know what Disney movie did. (Probably why Lion King is my favorite movie.) Did you know Patrick knows little things about me even I don’t realize? He puts on things and does these things and I’m like, “how did he know…” Most observant guy I’ve ever met. Intelligent too.

I told you this wasn’t exactly a “thank you” note because my brain, unfortunately, just doesn’t process the same way anymore. The Lord speaks truths, so wouldn’t that automatically make you want to do the same? Being more Christ-like is closer than you think. Just reach out and grab his hand, Mom, he is waiting for you to come back and live for Him. Let’s just say, a little birdy told me. ❤

Facts About Us

I am one of the biggest Mama Mia and Abba fans. Ever since I was little. I even had the kid group version on CD. I felt so honored to have it. I think I was born in the wrong era, but God knows what he’s doing.

The clothes I’m wearing today make me look like a character from The Babysitter’s Club. (One of my favorite series as a kid)

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I mean, right?!?! I’ve always saw myself as a Dawn. ❤

The wolf is my spirit guide. I truly believe it is symbolism of God being with me.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

I am bipolar.

I am manic depressive.

Anxiety riddled.

Nerve-twitching.

All of that fun stuff.

Plus side? It’s who I’ve become and I’m happy with me.

I am an alcoholic.

I am a sex addict.

I am bisexual.

I am a sinner.

I’ve watched a life pass before my eyes while holding my hand at 11:09am. That really set me on my straight and narrow, regardless the couple of hiccups. What happened was supposed to happen, all part of that plan.

I’m noticing things coming to fruition from a cultivated field that I dug up and have been emotionally, physically, and spiritually working through.

My prayer life is one hundred times better than what it has been.

I find pleasures in the simple things. Coffee. Candles. Music. Books. Journals. Pens. Sports. Animals. Love. Humility. Intelligence. Holy Spirit.

I secretly LOVE the beach, having lighter hair, and getting a base tan. Working on my body has really set me on a new path. I always wanted to seem like I had my shit together whilst I run across the sand, hot beneath my feet, and my new pup chasing after me. Little Morgan. I’m thinking little Ruxin. It’s such a toss-up.

I think I’m a hippy.

Make Love. Not War?

I am a water sign, Cancer.

I have an obsession with Mermaids I won’t experience because I’ve been afraid of being judged.

The Little Mermaid is truly my favorite Disney Princess Story.

I feel I am responsible for a group of people in my life and what I do will result in how their story continues to go.

“Don’t go wasting your emotions, lay all your love on me. Don’t go sharing your emotions, lay all your love on me.” -Abba (You know Abba means “Father.”)

Is it coincidence that I’m listening to Abba and the song “Lay All Your Love On Me” came on and then I started thinking. It feels like God is singing to me in this moment. Then I realized that ABBA means FATHER and is used in the BIBLE. Just saying.

“Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” -Mark 14:36 NIV

I’d love to move to Greece one day.

I keep having triggering thoughts and they take me right back to certain places right now. It’s not stopping. As I type all of this stuff out, memories just keep flooding forward and it’s getting to be a little much. I almost feel like I’m breaking down. My body keeps responding as if I’m in trouble. I think I might be stuck in flight or fight mode.

I hate when I get stuck like that. It’s like I can’t get the body to function and I hold my head in my hands and I think of what my next move is going to be.

Lord, show me the way.