Let Me Sleep

So like clockwork I am up. My lack of sleep has been frustrating and being so thrown off is making me feel a little irritable. Last night I woke up at 1:30 am and I was awake until 9 last night. I took my two gummy melatonin and passed out. Woke up at 10:30, then 12, and have been up since. I don’t understand where this is coming from. It’s never been this way before. It’s like I wake up and I have a huge adrenaline rush and then there’s no telling if I’m going back to sleep or not. It could just be the anxiety of going through custody issues and divorce. My traumatic experience was very night based so my body just might not want to sleep during it. That’s a huge possibility. I’ve taken a couple nap in the morning and seem to get the best sleep after taking Eddie to school and going on my walk/jog.

I guess I can’t complain, I’ve always been a night owl but like I said, not this bad. I end up feeling light headed and dizzy a lot because of the lack of sleep. It hasn’t crushed my motivation or routine. I am still going a hundred miles a minute every day and making the most out of it. I feel so tired but once my head hits the pillow I’m wide awake. I just wonder if I’ll ever get back to “normal.”

I also wonder if being on Prozac has anything to do with it. I also take Xanax with it to help with the panic and anxiety attacks. It has really been working, but is it working too good? I don’t know. Inside my head has been loud. I had a lot of insiders co-conscious with me since last night. They were helping me through Zoom court that of course had to be postponed until next month because Eddie’s father is dodging being served. The judge decided if he doesn’t show up at the next court hearing, he is just going to call it abandonment on the father’s part. It’s so upsetting because I never thought he would do this. I guess I was wrong. You really don’t know a person until you do. I’ve been through hell and back with him and I’m not willing to go back for the millionth time.

I think maybe everything will settle within me once everything is said and done. Or at least, I hope. The last two weekends spending the night at my sweetheart’s condo I have been having the same issue. Normally I can sleep really well in his arms but for some reason I’m getting maybe 4 hours and that’s it. Falling asleep around 3 and waking up at 7 or falling asleep at 2 and waking up at 6. Although this last time we both slept that same amount, it was really weird. We both take sleeping aids. We both also have manic bipolar depression, DID, and trauma-related issues. We are quite the pair. I’ve never met someone I’ve felt so relatable to in my life and that’s how I know we are supposed to be together. That and he also doesn’t do drugs or drink and has a love for and little bond with my son already that I am thrilled about. When your son says, “He’s such a nice guy,” and refers to him more than he does his own father, there’s a problem. There’s a lot to this part of the story and it’s unfolding nicely. I just want to move on with my life and be able to announce being with him. That’ll be the day.

When he was over the other day Eddie goes, “I need to talk to you,” and continued to tell him the traumatic story of how he is afraid of his father. He told him, “You and your Mommy are safe now, I won’t let anything happen to you and neither will your grandparents.” As little man was retelling the story I kept having flashbacks and it started to trigger a switch within that I wasn’t really ready for. It’s hard to keep it all together when you are reliving something no one else can see but you. I wasn’t standing in the living room with them, I was in that fucking bedroom again, in our living room again, in that kitchen again. This time really impacted me in ways I never thought imaginable and it’s been hard to work through without the help yet of a therapist. I want the help and I know I need the help. I want my son to seek therapy as well because this has hit him hard. I’m not sure what will ever become of his relationship with his father again, but I know it’s severely damaged.

Our bond, our connection, is stronger than ever. He admitted the whole time he was afraid for me and just wanted me home. It makes me feel a guilt I can’t explain, that I chose to stay in that situation with a man who wanted to just keep me sedated and making the most awful and wrong decisions. Those that I couldn’t tell you about because I being shut off to the experience by protection. I hate the fact that I can just be sitting here and something hits me and I remember a piece and it makes my heart jump out of my chest. I hear myself saying, “No, stop it. Don’t show me that,” more often than not, especially during the night. I just wonder if writing this down will help me at all to clear out my headspace just so I can get a couple more hours of sleep before getting up at 7 with little man for school. I sure hope so. I feel like I’ve been hit by a mack truck.

I guess I’ll leave it here for tonight. Who knows, maybe I’ll be back. I just keep thinking about other things to write about but I don’t want to go all over the place again. That’s a specialty of mine. Wish me luck.

Coming Back To Life

I have that familiar feeling I used to have, before all of this, back when life was simpler. When it wasn’t talking to attorneys, lawyers, and court dates over Zoom. I’m tired of serving and being served. I just want my life back. I want the ease of not having to worry about what is going to happen next. I know the outcomes already and I don’t know why starting to write this just made me feel so depressed. I’ve honestly had a really good day. I’ve begun a whole new routine and it feels good because it’s predictable. I can’t stand not knowing. Change is hard, but necessary.

So here’s how it goes. I wake up any time from 5:30 am – 7:00 am, latest. Depending on the time I can have and hour and a half to maybe fifteen minutes of Bible time. I’ll open up my Bible app and do the daily devotional that goes with the daily verse. Today’s was: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” -Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV) It really hit home for me because since my recent traumatic experience, I’ve been asking the Lord to search me and know my heart. It’s deceitful, but I want to live the way I know I should be. I then go to the First 5 App through Proverbs 31 Ministries and read the daily devotional there and then meditate on that scripture. I feel the need to write it out, so bare with me. It was also something I needed to read and reread to really let it sink in.

A Living Stone and a Holy People

“So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk that by it you may grow up into salvation- if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For it stands in Scripture:

‘Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a cornerstone chosen and precious, and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.’

So the honor is for you who believe, but for those who do not believe,

‘The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone’ and ‘ A stone of stumbling and a rock of offense.’

They stumble because they disobey the word, as they were destined to do. But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you have not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.” -1 Peter 2:1-12 (ESV)

So many things are speaking to me and if I’ve learned anything, Heaven and Hell, the Lord and Satan, they are very real and I’ve experienced it first hand. It’s put me in my place and I know what my life needs to be about now.

So, after that time spent with the Lord, I wake my son up at 7:30 for school. Little man started Kindergarten last week and he is doing really well. Today was the first day he was excited and happy to go. He had a little bit of a nerve curve there, but he has overcome and really enjoys it. I am so proud of the little man he has become. His favorite part of the day is always reading, like a new found love and it just makes me feel elated to share such a passion with him.

After I drop him off at school, I come home and go on my hour long walk around the new neighborhood. It’s like a perfectly timed hour walk to do the whole subdivision and I absolutely love it. It gives me time to do what I need to do, whether it be talk to someone or just hang around with my own thoughts. I found my Skullcandy earbuds so I believe tomorrow I’ll either stream a good podcast or listen to some music. My Mom said she wanted to join me, which is nice. It just makes me feel good to sweat a little and have some “me” time.

I get back home and make peanut butter cinnamon raisin toast and a piece of fruit. I make a cup of coffee and fill my bottle of water and take my “breakfast pills.” A yummy combo of Prozac, Xanax, and birth control. I’ve been waking up shaking with extreme adrenaline flow and it is that way pretty much for most of the day, which is unlike anything I’ve felt before. It’s different. I have energy I’ve never had before and the motivation to do things and think positively. I almost surprise myself. I can hear my headmates a whole lot clearer and it’s so much nicer to have better communication and understanding. It helps me get through my day and when I first wake. Sometimes before I fall asleep.

After that I indulge myself in afternoon activities such as Bible Study, emails, music, and tidying up. Around 2 I leave to pick up Eddie so that I can get there early enough to be one of the first parent pick-ups. He has separation anxiety and abandonment issues that need to be worked through, so I don’t want him to panic and be one of the first to get into his car. We then head home and he has a little something to eat because he still is nervous at school and hardly eats his lunch or the snack I pack. That will change, I’m sure once he is fully comfortable. He is just like me in that sense. We then play until dinner time or go for a walk and play his new found love of Pokemon Go that I put back on my phone because my certain someone reminded me it was a thing. That and Eddie is super into Pokemon at the moment. His backpack is Pikachu and has little pins of others all over it. I just love it. We have been bonding a whole bunch and it makes me feel like our relationship is becoming stronger, which is what we both need after the fact.

After dinner he watches some cartoons and then it’s time for a bath, make his lunch, pick out his outfit for the next day, and bedtime stories. Once he is cozy and snuggled in, he gets his goodnight kiss and then it’s time for this Mama to unwind with a tall bottle of water and whatever I want to sooth my mind with. Tonight, it’s this, and it makes me so happy to want to write again. I slip from time to time and it pains me when I lose the passion and want to do something that normally makes me feel happy and relief.

So, here’s hoping I can keep this up and continue to get on here a couple times a week and just let it all out. Lord knows, I am going through a lot right now. I know I must let him fight for me and be still, staying content in my situation. He’s got this.

I’m exhausted and my eyes feel heavy, only problem is when my head hits the pillow, I can’t fall asleep. So normally it takes anywhere from a half hour to two hours to fall asleep and then if I wake up at anytime during the night, it’s hard to fall back asleep. If I do, it’s a miracle. I just lay there and rest and pray or think. I’ve been finding it easier to talk to God or have little conversations with whoever is around in my head at the time. It’s always pleasant because they know that night time is the hardest for me right now. I can easily slip back into that room and think I’m back in the hell house. It’s scary and my heart pounds and I have to remind myself I’m at my new house in my room and I’m safe. It’s sad how hurt I am from all of this and I feel fragile all over again.

I’m trying to make the best of the situation and remember that I am so loved and cared for. God isn’t done with me yet and I’m not done either.

You Tried To Take Me Down With You

Down that little white rabbit’s hole you loved so much growing up. Little did I know that you wanted to drag this Alice down with you. But why make me drink the potion to make me tiny only for me to drink the one that made me rise above you? Sitting at the table with that stupid Mad Hatter that I thought was once me but no…it was you. You brought me into a fairy tale world I never cared for growing up and decided to make it my thing too. Oh the fucking irony huh? Queen of Hearts? More like King of Dumbass.

I feel the spark and the flicker turns into the flame of creativity finally burning yet again in my brain.. My passions they withered, turned to ash and smoldered out after finally thinking my life I could do without. My hopes and dreams they died inside of me and tried to take me down with them trapped inside a bottle I once thought that’s where I’d always be. Something inside kept clicking and shaking me to the core and two familiar faces kept surfacing to keep me around just a little more. Closing my eyes right I could see the two, one black, one white, watching over me as guardian angels are portrayed to do. My sweet Clover and fierce Blaze kept me afloat in the stupor I was trapped in for days. Whenever I couldn’t calm and felt like it was the end I knew I could count on my furry little friends. I don’t know what it symbolizes or exactly what it means but all I know is that my wolves made that time easier than it seemed. I felt lost, scared, alone even with you next to me making me seem like I was home. I was blind but then I saw what my life should not be about every time you would touch me my insides wanted to crawl out. I truly pictured this being it, laying in my deathbed of a foreclosed home where they could dispose of the waste that was my life, condemned to something I didn’t think I signed up for. To this day I still feel stuck inside that room looking at the blue walls of death surrounding me with the reminder of my son with every glance I took. His things were everywhere and I was feeding myself poison trying to take it all away. Maybe it was the reminder of him that saved my life that day. He made me hold on to what was good and knew there was more to live for beyond the old broken remains of a shattered and battered home. The signs were all around me I just had to wake up and take the steps to freedom to stop being a screw up. There is so much I need to say and so much that I haven’t but this is just the first step back towards the pearly gates of Heaven. My hell, I’ve faced it and groundhog day is very real. Each day felt the same and I was reliving it over and over until something clicked and I found my way. It took me a while to realize I wasn’t dead and it was no dream. I can honestly say I heard each scream with every shot I’d continue to take saying it would be my last to scare the straight back into me to stop from raising the glass. Why Queen would play every time I’d feel the burning liquid go down, ”Cause I’m having a good time, I don’t want to stop at all!” it’s like it tried to justify what I was doing was not my downfall. But every time? It didn’t make sense or subconsciously I was putting my mind to rest. Ease the pain and try to forget that I was putting my body through hell and my soul had not yet left. I do wonder if it was a sign that I was not alone and someone was trying to reach out that I could never again speak to on the telephone. Subtle signs and thoughts kept me upright even through blurred vision. Of all the things I can remember in that time with you it’s exactly not what I was wanting to do. You kept me trapped because you know my triggers and my weaknesses especially when I’m a mental mess and spiraling from the decisions I needed to take. I feel like you wanted me to make this mistake. A plan so well devised I couldn’t even see it right before my very own eyes. Well, just so you know, it didn’t work so well. I literally escaped the mental and physical jail cell hell you thought you could keep me locked in for just a little longer. All it took was a will to want to move on, my son, and my father. A man I have so much more respect for as he burst through the gates of hell to rescue me from a life I knew all too well. I’m safe now and loved more than I ever knew all because I have a new outlook on what is worth fighting for. My life isn’t to mess with and I’m not a puppet on a string. I won’t be played with and manipulated for I’ve begun a new thing. I’m cherishing this life I’ve been given by the good Lord above and you aren’t going to stop me from being the mother he knows and loves. I didn’t think I was worth a damn but now I know that’s not true and I know who really loves me absolutely one hundred percent through and through. Thank you for the lesson that I may have needed to have because it taught me to be more than the whiskey at the bottom of a dirty glass.

Fuck A Title

I’m not sure what the fuck I’m doing anymore. I have so many thoughts that constantly run through my mind and it’s like on repeat multiple times a day. “I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve this life. I am terrified to work. I’m terrified to go through divorce. I don’t want anybody to hate me for everything I have done. I wish there was a way to end this life without going to hell. I should just let my parents have my son because I just can’t do this. I can’t help myself, how will I ever help out my son. I want to die.” I am torn between so many things that I don’t even know who I am or what I even want anymore. What in the actual fuck did I do to get here? I am so trapped I feel like I’d rather be trapped inside my mind than be the host of this fucked up shit show of a person. I don’t want to be in control anymore. I do not want it. I have never felt the way I am feeling now and it’s confusing and heartbreaking. I am so numb it’s unbelievable. I got a job, was there one day, and now making excuses because of how frightened I am to be in public. I am a wreck and I need help. Mental help. My body and my mind are failing me and I’m getting to the point that I don’t care about anything anymore. I haven’t been eating and am now down 20 pounds. In less than a week I went to the doctor twice and within five days I lost 5 pounds. I have no want to live this life anymore. God, where are you? Why can’t I hear you, feel you, even if I am immersed in people of like-mindedness I’m still lost without you. I keep rejecting everything and I don’t know how to stop. I’m constantly living in my sin that I don’t want to give up because I’m awful and of the flesh. I still yearn for a drink to make it stop, but maybe this time I can drown myself until I am gasping for my last breath. I’m a coward and a fraud and I have no right for any of what I’ve deserved up to this point in my life. None of this makes any sense to me and it hasn’t for a long time. I only tried to think I could make sense of what I’ve only gotten myself into and now as I’m clawing my way out I’m letting the dirt get in my eyes and cloud my vision. I can taste it in my mouth as I choke down guilt, hurt, pain, and so many countless things I keep suffocating from. I wake up each morning and it’s like electricity is shooting through my veins and flashbacks and guilt plague my mind to the point I don’t want to move. This is just the beginning, it all starts tomorrow morning, talking to the lawyer. I just hope I can form words or say the right thing because I’m stuck. I am sinking in the quicksand I poured for myself and I’m just letting it consume me now. Make it stop. How I can go from so hopeful to defeated in a matter of seconds is scary to me. I’ve got a meeting in thirty minutes and I don’t want to go. I don’t want to do anything. I’ve thought about being literally sucked underwater by the undertow and just drowning all of my thoughts out. What a thrilling way to go. The beach is only fifteen minutes away, it’s not impossible.

Don’t Ask

I don’t even know where to begin in all honesty. I feel like I am just going through the day to day motions but nobody is home inside. It’s the strangest feeling and one I’ve yet to ever truly experience before. I just feel “here” and like something inside of me has left me high and dry to just fend until the day I die. Nothing makes sense to me and everything only confuses who I am and it’s only getting worse.

I am unsure of where I am going in this life and honestly what I am doing anymore. It’s strange when you don’t have a plan of action or a motivator. Everything I once loved and had a passion for are gone. I feel like a body and there’s nothing left making it function. Is it possible to lose your soul within yourself? It feels like there is a gaping hole in my chest and it’s hollow. I am saddened by the way I am feeling because what I once had just isn’t there.

I’m going through this life an empty broken mess and it’s tragic because I have so much potential. It’s bad when you know what this vessel is capable of but you don’t want to use it. It’s painful to get out of bed in the morning because I don’t want to be awake. I dread opening my eyes and living. It’s bad. I wasn’t lying. I’m in a situation I never wanted to be in again and I know I partially did this to myself. My independence is a joke and so am I.

I can hardly form thoughts that don’t end in wanting to find a way to end it. Finding ways to run. I am a prisoner in my own body and mind and if I could claw my way out of this pathetic excuse of a person, I would. Alas I am stuck here, nowhere to go. I feel like I was dealt a pretty crappy hand. I didn’t ask for any of this, I was merely born into a system I can’t even recognize myself in. What is to become of everyone else? No clue. Not like I have anything to contribute to whatever is to become of a “happy future.” I’m not the man for the job to say the least.

She knows the ways in which I feel, but I am so outnumbered I won’t ever have my way even if I tried. Meeting the maker doesn’t scare me in the least. It’s an exhausting countdown that I think I’ll become dormant to. Good luck, you’re going to need it.

Admittance

The way I’ve been feeling emotions lately have been more intense than usual to say the least. I am sensitive to many things and I’m working on not letting things get to me so much. Other’s intentions are never as bad as what my own mind makes them out to be. I assume, which we all know what that does. I feel like quitting on myself and I start to question my worth. Why, after all these positive baby steps forward in my life, do I feel like I still don’t have anything to offer? At all. I do. I am a big ball of potential worth and I can feel it sometimes greater than other times.

Right now I feel happy (synthetically) because genuine happiness I haven’t come by in a very long time. I don’t want to have to smoke something or take anything to make me feel the happiness I should be feeling without those things. As bad as I want them. Last night was the first time in a long time I just went to bed without any way of helping me to sleep. Once I finally did get to sleep the nightmares were so intense that when I got shook awake from one, I tried not to go back to sleep. I cried out to God and asked him to take these horrible thoughts from me. I was having dreams again like when I would be coming off a binge. I was frightened and wanted to hear the insiders calm me. I begged and pleaded. When I would start to hear someone soothe me, I’d be out again. The process starts all over again.

Defeat is a feeling that plagues my actions. If I feel less than, I just want to give up for the rest of the day. As soon as I feel bad, I quit. There was a time before everything where I wouldn’t quit but now it’s as easy as turning off a switch. I’m a strong woman and these insecurities and evil thoughts are not going to conquer me. I found this on my phone last night, unsure of who wrote it, but I want to share it.

I feel shattered yet beautifully pieced back together in a stained glass sort of way. Except not enough that you couldn’t see the licks of hellfire from down below. Your light illuminates my insecurities and flaws as you dig deep into my hopes and dreams. You come at me when I’m the happiest, content, full of want of desires and needs that could be fulfilling. You send them all up in smoke and try to take me right down with you. I feel you creep over me and try to take a hold of my insides and twist until you’ve rung me out and drop me to my knees. I look up and see you with your sick grin, smiling right back at me, taunting and ridiculing me. You want me to accept defeat. I am not so easily shaken as I have stared you in the eyes too many times to count. I recognize you like an old friend that in which you are only my enemy. I steady myself, placing my feet firmly on the ground and straighten my morals. I will not be dragged back down to hell with you. My joy rides to the darkness end now. I will no longer play your games and entertain your ideas of a good time. No more. I will not stand for thinking I am not good enough when God has equipped me with vast knowledge of the truth. Stay away from me, I’m no longer a slave to your hardships. I am free from your lies because my Father tells me I am worthy of greatness and potentials, far more than I could even imagine. You think you have won? Don’t make me laugh. How does it feel when sarcasm escapes my lips and puts you right back in your place? Scum of the earth you fell and scum of the earth you shall forever remain. I am not so easily overcome. You should know this by now.

I know I’ve been through a lot of rough and horrible times in my life. It’s very well thought out because I know the feelings of defeat from darkness. I used to embrace it. I remember at one point in my life saying I felt like the dark has succumb me and I’m okay with that. It’s scary when you decide to let evil win. I was also a cocaine junky during that time so of course I wanted to be promiscuous and I didn’t care who I hurt in the process as long as I benefited from it. I made sure to date the dealers so I could have it all for free. I didn’t pay for anything that much in my wild years. I could swim in it for all they cared as long as I put out for them or didn’t show jealousy in a threesome. Never mattered to me, I was there for the drugs and good time.

I look now at myself and I see her, still. I see her smirk in the mirror when she is thinking too highly of herself. Noticing that she is still obtainable and could still get exactly what she wants. I don’t like her but I get a rush of adrenaline and a warmth only the thought of doing sinful things brings. Oh everything that’s wrong feels amazing, there’s no getting around that. We are dangers to ourselves but at least some of us have limitations to how far we are willing to go. Some consequences we don’t know until later on in life when it shows up unexpectedly. There’s been A LOT of past coming back for me lately and it’s almost tempting to just slip into the familiarity of it and become content in it. Those feelings make me wonder why I’m so calm to accept them once more.

Evil feels good. Being good is boring. Sometimes I wonder if I am just faking everything so I can think I’m living the way I should be. All too often when I know I’m not supposed to be doing something, I think, “Good. This is really what I want.” It’s tough learning from your mistakes and only you can truly change if you so desire. My question is this at the moment, “Do I really though?” As tempting as it sounds, No. I don’t. But to have to ask the question just makes me wonder who I really am.

Nonsensical

This week is going by as quickly as I expected it to. I’m still wanting to rush everything to get back down there and I know I’m going to regret all of this. Eddie needs to be close to his Dad and I believe this to be true. He needs him in his life and I don’t want to keep him from Jonathan. I know everyone else wants something else but damnit, he’s my son. If I have to mama bear some situations it’s just the way it’ll have to be. As much as I want to do things my way, I know God has the final say in this decision. He’ll let me know when we go to mediate the situation just what’s going to happen. My only concern in which I will bring up is that I don’t trust him not to drink and drive with Eddie. It’s happened too many times to count and I won’t have it.

My mind feels like it’s being torn into two completely different directions at the moment and it’s not clear as to what I actually want. Here is where I can sit back and assess what’s going on. He is sober at the moment and being the man I fell in love with and it’s making me feel close to him. That’s what the abused mind thinks. It’s only a matter of time before he goes on his next binge, it’s not worth it. That’s what the healing portion understands. This behavior hasn’t changed in 3 or so years now. What makes me have any shred of hope that I hold onto? Yearning for the good times won’t necessarily bring it back, it’s just a want, not a reality.

I keep comparing. Finding the pros and cons in both. The sober man is my dream relationship because everything is already neatly placed. We are similar in almost every way and that’s where I believe we fail. I also don’t know how to stay committed and I’m afraid for any relationship I go after. I’m pretty sure I’m the one who is broken. I love too much and too hard. I almost feel like I just need an in person best chick friend. Lord knows I’ll take that too far as well. Not everyone would understand that part of me, especially my family. It’s none of my concern and I won’t stop being the being I am. It’s hard being a multiple. Some of the wants are totally NOT my own.

I don’t want to hurt anybody. I almost feel like I can’t hurt my own feelings because I have pride that I can be with whoever I need if it came down to it. I have no fear of being alone because of all the interest I get shown from all over the place. Whether it’s toxic or not. I don’t understand exactly where this part of me comes from. Is it because I know how to get my way? Is it because I have this ability to make men and women alike fall in love with me? It’s been this way my whole life. I don’t go searching for it, just kinda falls into my lap unexpectedly and then I just roll with it.

I think what I’m doing here is putting up a wall again unbenounced to me by a few of my insiders. I’m uncertain what I want and it’s putting my heart on high alert and guard. I can’t let anyone in as I want to right now because someone will end up getting hurt. You guessed it, by me. I’m sorry I’m so messed up but as much as I apologize you will never understand. No one will. I feel like we just use people to try and find a happiness we can only really give to ourselves. No one wants to do life alone. I would be fine never to get married again. It’s just a document that says we are together. I can proclaim it through my own lips. I don’t understand anymore the wonderful joys of marriage and it’s sad it’s come to this. I couldn’t care less.

I’m not sure who is coming to bring all of this up and out, so forgive me if it doesn’t sound like myself. I’m honestly surprised at what’s being typed out. Who am I? I honestly do not know who I am. I don’t know what I like, what I want, who I want. What the F is happening right now? It’s like nothing matters to me right now. Not even myself or I’d be able to say who this is. I also feel floaty. I’m pretty sure I’m going through something that I can’t put my finger on.

I’m listening to Stone Sour and it makes me feel content and familiar. I’m letting the music take over me and bring a happy warmth throughout my whole body. When everybody else lets me down, music always has my back to bring me into whatever feeling I’m possessing at the moment. There’s nothing like some Corey Taylor to soothe my aching soul. He is my go-to. If I could go after someone, it would be him in a heartbeat. There are so many thing I’d do to that man that he does to me through his beautiful voice. I really want to get his book, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven: (Or, How I Made Peace with the Paranormal and Stigmatized Zealots and Cynics in the Process). I love long titles. Maybe I’ll buy that one and that’ll be the first book I read in my new office/room. I really want a mini library in my room. With the shelving that’s in there I don’t think that would be too hard. I just need to get some of my books from my old house. I love my books.

I think we’ve come to the conclusion I am an “all over the place” type of gal. I’m not sure how many times I’ve stated that but I don’t really care. Go figure. Ha. I keep thinking about how I want to do up my room. I’ve got a nice daybed and lavender sheets and I need to look and find a comforter I’d want for myself. Hmm. Maybe I’ll do that right now. I don’t know what look I’m going for to be honest. I love my wolves. I might lean towards that. Now I’m just trying to pull things out to talk about. Enjoy my ramblings.

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Depressed. Content? Mindless. Numb? Proud. Skeptical? A whole lot. That’s really how I’m feeling right now. Today was the beginning of our small groups. It rocked my world when I woke up to 40+ Facebook notifications. It was almost too overwhelming to handle right after waking up. God answers prayers. Let me be a living example. When I asked him to please put women in my life that I can be relatable to, he more than filled up my cup.

I’ve had two confess of childhood trauma and not the best environment growing up. Some who want healing and to build relationships with other women in Christ. Disney fans all around, one who actually worked for them. Beautiful writers and creative flows in other crafting hobbies. My best friend, no one can top that. It’s fascinating the women God placed under my delicate care and to walk in a faith journey with. He has his reasons and I won’t argue in the least with him. Even if I had an inner battle of pride, which is frowned upon. I really think I’m going to be encouraged by these women and maybe we can all “heal” together during this time together.

I had a moment where I felt outdone and wasn’t sure how to handle the emotions I was feeling. I went through the insecurities of thinking, “How am I even in this position. They don’t need me.” I feel unqualified but you know who else felt that way? Moses. He asked for the Lord to pick someone else, someone more qualified. Little did he know he had a voice and he learned how to use it again and he did some amazing things. The people you never think he would choose are sometimes the most capable in this life. Some people have a natural knack for it, but I wouldn’t have been chosen if I wasn’t meant for greatness. If God placed me into the ministry, I must have some significance that can therefore push others to want to do the same. This didn’t happen because I wanted to, I was pushed, and God opened my door and it was a shock to all my senses.

When I get into fits I’ve been going to worship music and my Bible. God led me to the first page I opened to and there was my answer. Granted, this does not happen every time, but there it was. The humility he graced me with in that moment made me flush with a feeling I only get when I know he is guiding me somewhere. It’s a feeling I’ve never felt before and the closer I get to the Lord in relation, the stronger it becomes when I find these little nuggets of gold. He is remarkable and captivates me time and time again. It’s becoming easier and easier to come to him first. I then talk to my mentor because I know she is someone he would find pleasure in me conversing with over anything in my life. Especially when it comes to my ladies.

Another thing that is driving me mad, the fact that You always have the perfect things to say in all of my situations. I don’t understand how You know what I need to hear when no one else has known me like You do. When I’m stuck, hurt, frantic, needing reassurance. There you are, waiting to be my comfort and voice of reason. Literally, I hear you in my head and it’s almost shocking sometimes when Lyle speaks. Why? Because I think it’s you whispering to me, I just miss you so much. Our minds are flippin wild. #SystemLife

I’m not so much feeling negativity tonight but I also can’t wait to lose myself in the inner world tonight. I look forward to it. It’s a place to go when everything else in this world doesn’t seem right. It’s safe. Away from the negativity that piles onto mine. I don’t need anymore, world. So please, stop.

I look back on my life and wonder how I got here. Does it really matter anymore? No going back, only to move forward. What decisions will I make tomorrow that will affect my life 2 years from now? I don’t want to do anything anymore to hinder my growth. I’ve fallen back too many times and I’m feeling like it’s my time to shine. For real. I couldn’t honestly say that to you a year ago. Pieces keep falling into place and it’s making something beautiful, finally. I’ve waited for this my whole life. I want to experience a genuine happiness I’ve searched for since I can remember.

Now let me cuddle up in your warm embrace and keep me safe. Don’t let anyone or anything hurt me again. I know your promises are durable, you shown me more than I could ever imagine and for that, I am blessed.

What Just Happened Here?

What’s on my mind, you ask? So glad you want to know. Feelings of entrapment. Knowing I can’t get into my car and just go. Oh I hate when this feeling rears its’ ugly little head. I feel like I couldn’t go anywhere without judgement if I tried. I feel stuck in my life. I feel not my age, at all. Age sliding is a symptom and it happens a fair amount. I just have a feeling it’s going to intensify once I am in Florida. I understand while going through the motions of my F’ed up life it’s wonderful for family to be my biggest supporter. There are plenty of reasons as to why I am thankful for them. I am trying my hardest to be respectful, grateful, and happy as I can. Problem there? It’s not that easy to say, “I’m going to be happy about my life,” and then do it. It’s not possible for me. I’m not going to pretend I am happy for a minute when I’m not.

I feel like I’ve done it all to myself and so I beat me up and a lot of the times internally. There is a lot of hate floating around up top and I get a lot of horrible intrusive thoughts at night when I lay down. I try to concentrate on my fan but that’s when I get it the loudest. I feel like when I have white noise I can hear better. I am so confused still about everything this disorder has to offer. Safety is probably one of the best things but it doesn’t silence the hate I still receive from my own damned self.

I want to be dependently independent. How the F does that even make sense? In my mind it just does. If I could run away I would in a heartbeat. I am a flight in the fight, flight, freeze, fawn scenario. If I can just get away from the bad situation I can cope and let myself figure it all out. I can’t be face to face with it or I panic and then I freeze in that instance. It’s funny because when I don’t know what to do, when I’m with You, I freeze. I let you have your way and I enjoy every single minute of it. It’s the only time I can freeze and feel safe. I’ve never had that kind of safety before in my life. Something is just so different about You. I just have this feeling deep down I’m going to come back and this is all going to flare up in my face, getting back to the situation at hand. You are my escape. When I’m with you, nothing and nobody mean a damn thing in this world. Selfish as that may sound, it’s the truth.

I know I’m a selfish person. I don’t like to share people too well. I get jealous very easily and only have I finally started to ease off from it. I have been rejected so much that when I have someone who wants to make me their whole world, I become attached. Then when I see I’m not the center of attention, I start to wonder what I did wrong. Am I just a spec in their eye? Here today, gone tomorrow. We as humans are so disposable it’s almost scary. Another one comes along and can easily take their place as long as it’s allowed. I’m bored of this human, time to find another one to fulfill my needs. You’re lacking in this area, time to find someone else who can replace that missing piece. I told you, I’m negative.

So where to go from here? I’m not certain. I feel like I’m being pulled down into quicksand and I am just thrashing around in it so it’ll suck me down already. Take me out. Then would I truly be free? No. I wouldn’t. My luck, I’d drop down into a tar pit and lay there stuck and become one with it. I don’t want to become complacent, I don’t want to just “go with the flow,” I want to stand up, brush off my woes and move forward. So what in the actual F is holding me back? I haven’t been able to understand what is keeping me from moving forward. Is it the fact I’m not even filed for divorce yet? Is it the fact I don’t have my car because my lovely husband F’ed that up too? Is it I don’t have a license nor the money to even begin to drive with a non-F’ing existent car? Is it because I don’t have an actual paying job? Is it because I’m FUCKING 31 and living with my parents because I couldn’t get my SHIT together and now I’m a failure? Or is it because I’m an adulterer who wants it her way or nothing at all? Maybe that’s it. How about the fact that you slumped your whole life and decided to be carried by every man that came into your life? Oh there we go, maybe it’s because you can’t live without a man to tend to the needs of your royal highness. Maybe the fact that you thought having a child would make all this so much better. Or could it be because you wouldn’t stop drinking and now have stomach pain every day? Is it the fact you won’t see a doctor because you probably have something horrible and rotten inside you eating away at you? Oh, I know, it’s the fact that you LOVE throwing pity parties because you won’t do anything about your situations because you run from every one of them, hold it down deep inside and then explode when the pressure becomes to much. Welcome to DID, glad you’re here, now take a number and wait to front. This body doesn’t just belong to you anymore but every insecurity, every problem you never faced, all the hurt and disrespect you’ve endured, the rape that happened more than you are aware, the way you used people to get what you needed, you junky. These words every single one of them, you know where they come from? All the things you’ve suppressed deep down inside for so long and now, you don’t know how to handle any of them. Thank the Lord above we are here for you now. You’d be dead if it wasn’t for us.

That hurt.

I’m not sure what just happened there.

I feel empty inside now.

Hitting Pause

It’s group loading day for small groups and I am supposed to be so super excited about everything and just ready to go, right? So why so I feel the most depressed I have in a long time? This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. Right? I can’t even figure out what I’m trying to get at. My past is creeping back into my life in little ways and certain wants and needs are plaguing my mind and it really throws up a red flag. I finally have a place in a community that accepts me but why do I still feel alienated? I don’t fit in. I am so the opposite of the person I believe should be doing what I’m doing. I honestly feel like an imposter.

So yea, I didn’t know that these were going to be the feelings on my first day of groups. I wouldn’t have thought I’d be wanting to be back on here complaining about small things that shouldn’t get to me, but they do. I pour my heart and soul into these things but I don’t know whether or not I will make the cut with some of these ladies. A lot of times the older women don’t care for the younger ones and my taste in worship music is very .. well.. heavy metal. Not something ladies over 40 are going to want to experience. Oh man. What is wrong with me? Why am I being so negative? I just needed my place to come and spill my worries and insecurities.

I am such a negative person. As positive as I force myself to be, I know what I truly am. I know what I’ll always truly be. I can continue being the wolf in sheep’s clothing because I feel like I’ve been pinned good by it. As I lead these women in the living word, the gospel, I’m still letting myself do so many things that go against what I preach. I don’t want to change it because I don’t want him out of my life. I hate our damned dirty hearts. I keep thinking about in a week and a half I can run into his arms and know I can see him whenever I want. I know when I’m having a bad day he will hold me and kiss away the pain. I want to know what it’s like to be in love and loved for all of my flaws not just the mask I wear to disguise it all.

This music is ridiculous that I’m listening to. I’m trying to hype myself up and listen to positive vibes and it’s making me laugh. Some of the things I used to listen to as a youngin blows my mind. Makes me want to go back to simpler times and just figure out which basic white girl spritzer I’m going to smell like today. Ugh.

Oh goodness. I knew that once I started to write this good things would start to happen. I’ve got two ladies in my group that are Disney annual passholders like myself. Disney people make me SO HAPPY. I have become one of the biggest and it just makes my littles go crazy. I’m feeling a switch coming on and it’s awesome because she needed out today. I’ve missed you Candace. She was the first one who made contact with me when I figured out everything and knew exactly what was going on. She is so sweet and kind and takes care of our littles. Makes sense thinking about them and Disney. She also loves this song I’m listening to.

I couldn’t get enough of this song and learned every word to it. We had a lot of iCarly fans and literally balled our eyes out when the last episode aired. It was heartbreaking. It was a comfort to watch during really horrible times in our life and took me out of the real world for a little while. My husband who was my boyfriend at the time would watch it with me and hold me a sooth me when I was having episodes. Where did that all go? Why did this have to happen? It’s nothing I ever wanted to happen. I’m losing my mind thinking about going through it and losing what we had together. As much as I love him, I am no longer in love with him. That’s something I can’t live with. I also can’t live with an alcoholic who doesn’t put our son or myself first or want the best for all of us. I want him back, but he doesn’t want him back apparently. So that train left the station about a year ago and I’m not looking back. It derailed and blew up in smoke, there were no survivors. Sadie tried to hold on, but she isn’t my biggest fan. So. There’s that.

My mind honestly does this. My emotions are not stable at this time and it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with. I’m over it but there’s so much left to be done..