Loud

My mind won’t turn off. No matter how hard I try to calm it, the thoughts just keep coming at me like an automatic baseball thrower. I don’t understand why I continue to be so hard on myself. I feel numb. I feel ugly. I feel fat. I feel undeserving. I feel unmotivated. I am depressed. I want to be happy, healthy, and striving for things that will only help to make my life better, but even that is too much. I’m scared, complacent and not sure what the hell I’m doing with my life. I am STUCK.

Even though I think these things, I don’t know where to begin to stop this ongoing traffic jam in my head. I feel small and weak. I am not doing anything at my full potential, but it’s like I just can’t make myself do it. As much as I hear the positive, it’s like it’s trapped and I can’t become the positivity. My thinking is so negative and dark. I try to be thankful for everything I have but I still feel like I’m not doing my part at all. Who am I? What the fuck am I doing with my life? I feel like I’m at an absolute standstill and I have no clue where I’m supposed to go. What direction, what road do I take, I need help. I can’t do this on my own.

I can’t stand myself. Having to live with me is the biggest punishment I could’ve ever received. It’s full of horrible ideas and things that it wants to do instead of getting better. Once my mind is set on an idea, it rolls with it and I have no control over what happens next. I hate myself for that. I truly and honestly don’t understand why I am even here. My purpose, or the one I think is my purpose, doesn’t make me feel fulfilled. I’m just a no body pretending to know what I’m doing in this life without a damn clue. Does anybody really know what they are doing?

Failure. Fragile. Weak. Disconnected. Downfall. Addict.

Those words just came to mind again. It’s on repeat. Just reminded myself, not the mother my son deserves. My mental health is at an all time low and when I’m like this, there is no telling what dumbass decisions I will make when I am alone. It makes me sad that I feel this way. There are some who want me to self-sabotage inside and when the answer has been locked in, there is no turning back. So what do I do? I’ll tell you.

Starve myself. Take too many pills just to feel good. Drink, in whichever way that I can get it. I always think every time it will be different and I always prove myself wrong Wrong WRONG WRONG!

Why do I choose such unhealthy choices to try and numb my already numbed pain that I can’t get rid of? How do I be, whatever the fuck, normal is and just stop being this way. I feel like I have no control over what I do sometime and that scares me to death. Writing it out when I’m not stubborn enough to express myself truly helps when I’m frightened I might do something stupid. My mindset when I woke up this morning wasn’t good. That’s just the set up for the rest of the day as much as I try to make it the opposite. I feel defeated. Completely. Utterly. Defeated.

Lord. You are silent. I am weak. I need help. Your strength. Keep me from seeking things that displease you, that will never honor you. Help me from making decisions that will make me fall flat on my face and break my heart. I just don’t know what I’m doing. I just feel “here” and that’s it. Waiting to die. This waiting room feels like hell. I don’t know how to pull myself back up. I feel like I’m slipping and that’s NOT what I want. What am I supposed to be doing for you, Jesus? What is my purpose? How come I feel so stuck? Why don’t I have a clear picture of what I know my life should be, but isn’t? This season is frustrating, but I feel like it’s been decades of “this season” and I’ growing tired of it. Just tired.

I’m going to take a Xanax now and become a shell of myself. I just don’t want these thoughts throwing jabs at me all day. I just can’t do it.

All Aboard

Distractions from spending time with God

What is making your thought train derail?

Outside distractions, worldly pitstops

Think of your mind as a train. You put fuel into it by going to God before you start the long journey that is your day. We are at a steady pace and an unexpected stop comes up. What is that station called?  “Manic-Panic Station” is all too familiar to me. The first thing I do is panic about what could go wrong during the day. My sensors are already out of sorts and I feel I may derail at any moment. I could literally be stuck there for a couple minutes to a good half hour and it completely delays the movement of my steady coasting speed. Now I feel as if I am behind so the panic just decides to take a seat on one of my passenger cars and we rear on ahead. I’ve decided, “I can do this. I don’t need help, I will be fine.” A little bit later I realize I’ve got an interview coming up and I am so not ready. Anxiety and Doubt decide to join. Snuggled in and making themselves comfortable, we start again. My pace already feels like it’s dragging and the weight of my emotions are making the coals burn out too fast.

Coffee! That will do the trick. I just need a pick-me-up. That’ll get me to the “Creative Station” where I can begin writing and coming up with posts for the weeks to come. It does the complete opposite. I feel exhausted, jittery, and like I am a cord with a short in it. The spark is there, it just doesn’t connect to get started. This happens all to often. I know what I am capable of. It’s there and I can feel it, but getting started is the toughest position for me. Once I get past the starting line, I’m okay. The initial wave of the flag to GO makes me recoil back in fear and freeze. It’s where I’m at all the time and I fear I can’t get past that first step.

I say I don’t know what is holding me back but I know that failure, disappointment, worthlessness, confusion, and loneliness is what causes me to shrink back. I can be sitting still and minding my own business and then out of no where I hear a voice telling me that I just can’t do this. It startles me because it feels like it’s coming from behind me and I look up from what I’m doing and no one is there. Clear as day I hear the negativity and it’s prominent. The positive voices sound muffled and trapped behind the crowd of insecurities that they can only squeeze through when one isn’t paying quite enough attention to the panic.

I feel myself turn around, shoulders slumped, and figure there’s nothing I can do. Just try again tomorrow. Slump away again. Every day, never making progress, stuck behind the insecurities that push me to the wayside. To have my mind have that kind of control over me frightens me. It makes me feel like a prisoner in my own body. I respond the way I’m told to because we can’t upset anyone else, that’ll make the day so much worse.

Disappointment.

Failure.

Worthlessness.

Fear.

Panic.

Depression.

Self-image.

Addiction.

Loneliness.

These all get in my way. Every single day. At some point. I’m medicated yet not dedicated. I go to God and I talk and I have awesome conversations. I read the Bible and it amazes me when reading it with fresh eyes. I feel a contentment and calm fall over me, yet I can’t make it stay past that moment. I’m constantly gripping, reaching for these feelings. They slip through my fingers so delicately, again, holding onto nothing. Day in, day out.

I feel strength when I am doing anything related to God. Music, study, reading, praying, talking out loud, meditating on scripture. Once I’m done, it’s like the thrill is over and I’m back to this life that is not anything I would’ve imagined for myself at 32. How can I feel so lonely and not be? I wonder that all the time. It’s a cold and useless feeling that I wear like a hoodie all too often. I’m not sure why or how this poured out of me when I felt so blank, but maybe that’s where the inner workings of my mind flourish. I don’t know. This doesn’t make sense to me at all. I just don’t want to be useless, a waste, or not enough.

I want to truly mean something, be something, and do whatever I can to help others. Maybe that’s just it, I’m not even willing to help myself, how could I give myself away when I’ve nothing to give?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

You know that wonderful button combo that you press and you can shut down whatever you want, granted you don’t blue screen because of how messed up you are?

Oh, you thought I was talking about my computer? Nah. That thing runs just fine. What isn’t running right is the hardwire system inside my head. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not. I’m running on fumes.

There are too many tasks running and tabs open that shouldn’t even be there. Some of the things that run through my head on a constant loop would scare someone who just doesn’t understand what I’ve been through.

Let me guess? Constant failure. Feeling of defeat. Not good enough. Never going to be loved properly by a man? Makes sense to me, complete and total sense as I’m working backwards to see where it all went wrong. Thing is? I can’t do this on my own. I hate admitting defeat but I need to talk to someone.

I’ve been putting off writing because I needed a break and while I did, I think I went insane twice. I know of two weeks that I don’t remember clearly because I wasn’t feeling fully functional. Talk about a dissociation party, I was all up in that. I wanted nothing to do with my thoughts, my feelings, who I was, who I am? I’m trying to figure who I am and I’m 32. Struggle is real folks.

I feel like I’m constantly begging God for help in my head. Take these thoughts. Take these actions. Take my fears. Take my worries. Take my pain. Take it all. I don’t want it. I also can’t come to the realization that I’ve been forgiven. I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I just can’t comprehend it, whatsoever, in my scrambled mind.

I’ve been watching The Chosen on Peacock TV. This man who plays Jesus was made to play this role. The amount of biblical truth that is portrayed in that show is mesmerizing. When I watch it and when Jesus speaks, it’s like he is speaking into my soul. The amount of comfort, the gentleness he plays in his character is breathtaking. It’s what I would have imagined my thoughts to play out to be as I read the Bible.

I feel close when I’m in my Bible, watching anything about Jesus, and yet now I have a bit of a step back in the joy I used to have in the ministry.

Let me explain.

I am confused as far as who I trust anymore. That’s just a give in. My whole life has felt that way and continues on. Someone I know and still love, I can no longer communicate with or I feel like I’m mentally going to go off the deep end. Thing is, I blame myself. Always. So there’s that. I lost my best friend, again.

It’s a touchy subject. She left thoughts in my head that make me question the people of the ministry and I don’t mean to. I “tread lightly” I suppose from here on out. I just want to write. I want to express how I feel, the way Jesus makes me feel. I know I can help so many out there, but I’m afraid of my own voice. Literally. I lost two jobs because of it. Completely froze in fear and panic because I didn’t think I would be good enough. This is my own burden to bear and quite frankly, it’s not one I thought I’d have a problem with.

So much has changed after all the traumatic and chaotic episodes that has happened in my life. I feel like I should be “back to normal”, whatever that is, by now. I can honestly say, I’ve been through decades of mental/physical abuse and am just now starting to understand it.

I tried to open up in Christian Counseling. Well, it opened up my heart and mind to things I completely shut myself out to since I was about 7 or 8. Meeting my best friend’s next door neighbor was on of the worse decisions of my life and I didn’t even know it. It’s where it all started and then I just see the murky water start to creep up and watch it slowly try to reach over my head until I’m gasping for life again. Not in my sin to cope, but in the Hope of Jesus Christ Himself.

Bad things happen to people with no explanation as to why. Life is damaged. I try every day to not feel these feelings that drag me down and then make me afraid to talk to my own family. I’m too scared. I think I’m the Black Sheep. Ultimate Failure. Honest to God. I feel like I can’t even take care of myself, let alone my son, the church, a job, my emotions, finances, all of it. I feel like I’m failing the best relationship I’ve ever been in because I’m too busy freaking out over false thoughts I believe to be true. I feel if no one is telling me I’m not good enough or I never do anything right, well, I must just yell them at myself, right?

No. I have got to stop. It is mentally breaking me and I can tell it’s getting worse. It’s hard to come out with these things, but how else am I going to? I bottled up a secret almost the entirety of my life…

I do feel a bit of relief, I didn’t think I would just sit down and this would all come out. I needed this. I can’t keep myself from expressing myself some how. It’s healthier to write it down than it is to act it out. My actions aren’t the greatest when I’m low.

I need you Jesus. I am nothing without you guiding me.

My Little Piece Of Heaven

My whole life was depicted by Disney fantasies of finding my Prince Charming or run away with Robin Hood. A clever fox with a selfless heart and the making of an “outer” badass. What is it with me and foxes? Maybe I’m just Foxy, who knows…

I’d like to share my experience about receiving something extremely special from someone I know I’m going to live out my life successfully with. So here goes…

It was a day like no other, the stand-alone a/c unit from Amazon (that’s absolutely AH-mazing) was humming its cool and jazzy tune. My dapper of a Dan (Patrick) beside me, head curved down into my chest, hand secure on my hip, and lips that I was dying to kiss. Okay, is anybody else getting a little hot? Or is it just me?

It was about 8 o’clock (which is sleeping in for me) and I was so DEPRESSED. I’m talking, 20 pound weight blanket that your son is in love with, and that heaviness that swells in your eyes making you want to cry at any moment. That’s about where I was at. These days happen. I wake up and it’s already there, weighing me down and trying to get me to stay in that bed. Something I was very fond of as hungover as I used to be all the time.

I covered my head with my Lady and The Tramp blanket and sighed deeply. I could feel concern resonate off of him and he sat down beside me and lifted the blanket. He asked, “What’s bothering you, dear?” I willingly replied, “I’m actually extremely depressed today.” A moment of consoling and I was out and in the living room to begin my day of self-pity parties.

An hour later Patrick came out of the room and says that it’s time to “Play Hooky.” It’s been about since high school since I’ve done that but this time, it’s with the right person. You live and you learn. I was all for it. I knew if I didn’t just get out and live a little, I was going to revert back to a bad habit. It’s like quenching your thirst for the sin you are in. You get a little taste and it can calm you for about another month or two. You could also compare it to a vampire needing its sinful lifeline of human blood. It will save or kill you.

We both got ready and went out the door to begin our little day date. We went to a couple different places. Game Stop, Barnes and Noble, and another place I wasn’t expecting to EVER step foot into. The Apple Store.

I knew what was about to take place in all honesty, but it didn’t feel real. I was extremely dissociated the majority of the time we were going through the motions of purchasing a phone. For the record, I don’t have any good ones because I am cursed when it comes to technology, apparently.

We get led into the store and asked what we are there for. Patrick, without skipping a beat, “I’d like an iPhone 11 in mint green, if you have it.” I’m not sure what number of “mind-blown” I was at yet, but it’s was probably in the double digits. When Leslie asked who the service would be for today, he again, “It’s for her.” My heart didn’t beat out of my chest, it retreated into a silent cave and stopped. Then after a few seconds of realizing I’m just staring off wondering when my heart was going to start again I felt a “woosh” wash over me and my heart thumped with so much love that it overwhelmed my whole body. I felt completely disjointed from myself and I could just stand there and watch it all take place.

I held back tears until in the car. Needless to say, I don’t remember much of him paying for it, what was said after that, it was like a dream. This is a big deal to me because I’ve never had nice things in a romantic relationship. Not like this. A nice thing in my previous relationship would consist of a shiny Irish delight or as it’s labeled, “Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey.” Slamming back shots and not remembering shit until the next day. “Living the dream, surviving the nightmare”, as you used to say, darlin.

If you haven’t guessed, yes, I am a trauma holder.

Back to what is important, Patrick’s humbled and compassionate gesture. It was not about the phone and it never will be. It’s about the selfless and Christ-like mentality that he already possesses. It’s amazing the morals, patience, and acceptance this man has to offer. The holy spirit resonates within him and he shows me it ALL the time. I’ll explain.

Wiping away my tears and explaining over and over and over again how this is not anything I expected and I would never take advantage of his time, money, or soul. It’s not possible. I don’t understand how the scum he was with before could just use and abuse this man like that. It’s not within my nature to want to ever hurt the person I am with, until you royally hurt me. That is how I used to go about the situation. I don’t care what happens, I will never hurt Patrick. If I do, I will always be honest and apologize. To even think of being with another man or woman (Even if I joke about it to deflect from the pain of my ugly past) it’s non-existent. She is dormant.

When he looked into my eyes, there was a light behind his beautiful silk brown eyes that almost turned them into a caramel color. I saw what genuine love actually looks like. For the first time. I have NEVER had this experience before. His smile and the way he was looking at me had me feeling all sorts of ways. At that point I didn’t know how to feel physically. I was numb, but my emotions, thriving.

It was the most mind-blowing moment of them all, and I did experience quite a bit that day.

True love. It does exist. You just have to start letting God chisel away the pieces that don’t belong and shape you into the person you were always meant to be.

Ramblings on a Saturday

I feel strange when I don’t start out with a title. I just don’t have it yet. As much as I wish my sore/dry throat would go away, irritating cough, and drowsiness. I’m actually in a pretty good place today. I’m excited to see Eddie and spend some quality family time with everyone. Including Patrick. Inseparable now. I don’t have to do life without him anymore and so I’m not. I want my life to consist of Eddie and Patrick. I want the little family that loves each other that I never got to truly experience. I won’t say we didn’t have great times, but they were obviously so far and few between.

Last Easter I felt so broken. The one before felt so fake with a comical yet obvious call to the cops because Michael was drunk and acting out of anger. You know, typical Clark bullshit. It’s why I decided to keep the Clark name. Eddie and I are going to be the one to redeem that family name. We will go far, God-willing. Doing everything for the right reasons. I never want my son to think an alcoholic beverage will settle any kind of argument going on in his head. I wish I had someone to tell me what was going to happen to me. Think I would’ve kept on this path?

Want my honest to God opinion? If I knew I’d still be alive, I would in a heartbeat. You want to know why? I feel like I deserve the hurt and the damage. If I knew I would just be going to the hospital a couple times and coming close to death but just skirting it, you bet your ass. I am addicted to familiarity. Who isn’t? It’s just sad when someone’s “comfort” is another’s “chaotic battle.” It’s funny the things you become so adapted to that is becomes “normal.” Which, by the way, there is no such thing as normal.

It feels good to admit where I know I can’t control the thoughts but when I put them down it helps get it out. This is such a therapeutic and resourceful escape. I’m so glad God blessed me with this ability. I am the one who bottles (literally) everything up inside. I may have taken the quote a little too seriously. I used the bottle to drown it all out. I guess if you are addicted to the way anxiety and fear makes you feel, you’d understand. I had to adapt or I would’ve died.

I feel like we have to blend in to make it anymore. It’s sad. I’m sure it’s always been that way, but for the present, it’s a horribly shocking feeling. I feel bad sometimes for those who read this. More times than not it’s just my negativity or my extreme manic episodes. I wish I could just tell my story, but yes. I am here, “Where do I start?” There is so much.

Has everyone else had a good Holy Week so far? I know I have. I’ve been hanging with the Lord, better understanding his story and trying to have a deeper relationship with my Father.

Thank you for the blessings you’ve placed in my life. I would’ve never thought I’d be sitting in this living room with a dog named Dexter trying to understand that life doesn’t have to be a drunken chaotic mess. It can be happy, truly Disney-filled (without it fixing the problem), and still have a good head on my shoulders. Again. The new and improved Clark Family. Eddie. We will always show them, won’t we? The strength we possess is beyond anything anyone will ever comprehend. I feel our bond and it’s unbreakable. I knew that from the moment you were born. There is no lie when it comes to the mother/son bond. (Or daughter)

Eddie,

I want to apologize for not knowing how to be the Mom you needed in the beginning. I’m sorry I thought a drunken decision is what would be best for Jonathan and I. I am also blessed that God already had made that decision for us at least a month after we proclaimed we wanted a child. I won’t forget that moment. For me, my experience, I just knew once I said those words I was. Of course I was stupid drunk, but I took a test the next day and I didn’t drink again until two days after I had Eddie. I vicariously drank through Jonathan. I would pick when I would have him drink, sometimes it’d be multiple nights in a row because I needed stupidity around me, apparently. I was jealous and I was only thinking of myself.

To go back and be able to realize all this now, you would think, would piss me off. It doesn’t. The trial I went through, I came out so much stronger in the end. Battle-ready, baby! God is good. I can promise you that. I defeated the enemy more times than I wanted to, but every time and the times from now on, I know how to fight him even better. Standing in my armor of truths and the holy spirit flowing through my veins. This vessel is spoken for. I am Jesus’ Girl!

Ripple

Am I still supposed to be this sad? Am I always going to remember the short amount of time I was able to know you as a Dad? It makes my heart ache and eyes well up with tears because Mom was so lucky to have you. You truly showed her what it was like to be genuinely loved no matter what. I used to always compare my partnerships with Gram and Papa but now it’s just as relevant to say Mom and Pops.

When the music changes it changes everything. So this band, my all time favorite band, is Tom’s favorite as well. He first gave me my first taste of KoRn. I was hooked in all sorts of ways. Let the manipulation begin … at 7 years old? Hmm. I just feel like Follow The Leader CD cover completely makes sense to me. The little girl hopping towards the edge in her pretty red dress. Enough to make a grown man cry. This music makes me happy and like I’m going to eventually snort a line of cocaine. Something of which I do not have at the moment.

Thank God for vape pens. That’s all I’ve got to say. There is a lot of negativity inside of me at the moment. I talked to a drunk Jonathan this morning and midday and afternoon. My brain really is a mess at the moment. I just know how bad he’s hurting. I don’t want him to do anything stupid. I’m not looking it from his point of view either. I don’t know what I would do if I could only see Eddie once a week for an hour. My heart would break. I would feel suicidal and like life is worth every single sip because I won’t get to see my son again.

I hate when that happens. I have a lot of demons. This is just a little proof. I’m trying to keep myself busy and mine occupied. Normally if I can manage that I don’t have to worry about going to places I don’t need to surround myself with. Made some tea because my throat is hurting, scratchy, and no matter how much I cough or clear my throat, it still tickles. I love honey to coat a sore throat. It’s comforting. We have the widows open and the breeze is so nice and cool. It feels like home. Husky at the feet, love of my life playing games, all that’s missing is my Eddie. I miss him. A lot. I have a lot of issues around the topic of my son.

All things considered, my temper has extremely improved and I am level headed when speaking to him now. That whole demeanor has changed and it makes me feel proud of myself for once. I’m so excited for Easter this year. I received some goodies in the mail to put together for Eddie’s basket. All educational but fun. I did throw in a “Would you rather” book for around his age. It’s really cute. I enjoy dying the eggs with him too. It’ll be fun to have the whole family together to partake in that. It makes me so happy that Patrick get to be apart of these memories. Eddie is seriously coming around to it all and I’m so thankful. God subtly throws in a little nudge of encouragement and affirmation sometimes and it’s beautiful. Thank you, Lord.

A Little Of This…

So, how are y’all doing? I hope all good, I only wish the best. These last few weeks, if I’m to be honest, have felt like a dream. I feel like I’m gently gliding through my day to day and it’s been quite relaxing and joyful. I have been learning a lot about myself. I am Godfident. Yes, I have Godfidence. I woke up at 10:29 out of a dead sleep and made myself open my notes on my phone and write down that word. I also wrote a definition. Want to read? Chances are very high you are going to.

Godfidence: Confidently through God. The inner workings of the holy spirit to conduct an act, emotion, or gesture.

Go a head, you know that was clever. I then fell right back asleep. I do weird things like that all the time though. Yes, of course. You can totally use it, I give you permission. I’m sure this word already exists but I’m just going to roll with the cleverness. I’m such a sly fox. I tell you what.

I’ve got a lot going on with the ministry at the moment and I’m loving every millisecond of it. I can’t tell you how happy I am when I’m doing things for God. The feeling is unlike anything I could honestly describe. There is absolutely NO doubt in my mind, his word is living and is very real. I can’t wait to continue with what’s all going on there.

I was able to video chat Victoria for almost two hours today. It was one of the best parts of my day. She is as sweet as pie and has the best personality. We truly click and I love that about us.

So it’s next morning, I was too tired to finish the entry. I have a little next to me who LOVES Vanellope from Wreck-It-Ralph. She is always in her get up, hair done and all. It’s so sweet and she can age slide. So about 6 all the way up to 15. My love of matchbox and Hot Wheels cars have nooooothing to do with it. The fact I love all racing movies and games.

I had a brief intermission there and have no idea what I was talking about. So let’s just move on? I have a meeting at 12:30 and then off to get some goodies. Excited to be done and get out. I’m in a subtle/calm yet excitable mood. I’m digging it. Autumn got to do some things this morning and now she is just chillin next to me. We get tired of writing sometimes too, it happens. Life is honestly not that interesting sometimes.

Hard to believe.

I know.

It’s funny…

Most times I feel like I have to have everything together to create a post. Like I’m actually put together when in fact I am not one bit. I wanted to add pictures to this, but I have to finish something so I can do so. I’m such an interesting character. Yes, characters.

Just harms my credibility doesn’t? Nah. You’re happy and enjoying your every moment, they are not. Whoever is doubtful, hateful, drowning in self-loathing, that’s a shame, you should work on yourself. Yes. You. My existence has nothing to do with the mood you are in, the circumstances you are facing, and the life you may be living. I just bring forth something that triggers you and so you react. Simple, really.

I’m in an odd mood today, if I’m to be honest. I woke up feeling sick, took cold/flu Mucinex, and have just been kind of here. I’m having a lot of “out of body” feelings today. I don’t quite feel myself or comfortable in my body? It’s strange, but it is what it is. It’s like when two parts of me want to do one thing and one wants to do the other. So we compromise. Sometimes it doesn’t happen that easily. Today, we’re alright. Pretty in sync.

Weird thought. I bet if you put a super sensitive person into my body and had them live a day in my life, they would be in a mental institution within an hour. Tops. I’ve learned to learn with it but someone who hasn’t been conditioned their whole life? It would be enough of a shock to put you in a coma or just drop dead. That is personally how I feel. I am not afraid of my own mind anymore. I know it’s not going to do anything stupid because that means we are all gone then. Suicide is never the answer, kids. This isn’t a joke. I’ve dealt with it.

If I could be Deadpool and regenerate to save others, I would in a heart beat. Bring on the pain, heartache, and endless traumatic chaos that ensues. I am doing it for one. I have recently decided that I would be a Gray Jedi. I “walk the line.” I am enough of both to balance me out and do what is necessary on this mission: earth.

We literally simulate life.

I think it’s about time to frost the cake, if it’s cooled down enough. I go about 45 minutes to an hour so the icing doesn’t stick to the cake and pull it all up and make it look like a kid stuck their fingers all through it.

So, let me get on that and take a picture when I’m done with that task. What kind of foodie would I be if I didn’t show you the goods? Two words. Food. Porn.

The frosting tastes like Fruity Pebbles too… I’m dying.

I Am Okay.

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I am okay,” and really meant it? Same. Until I truly am okay. I am honest to God satisfied with where I am at in this point of my life. It’s beautiful. I’m not married. I have a sweet man who loves me as if I were his wife. My son is a blessing from above in every literal sense. My family is close and I know they care deeply for me as I do for them. I get a sweet husky companion again. Autumn and her Dakota. Or Betsi and her Dexter (Dexxy). I live in a two story condo half the week and a beautiful ranch style home the other half. I am living two lives. Seriously. I know I am.

I am okay.

I love doing therapeutic things. Here is what I consider therapeutic:

  • Journaling (Obviously)
  • Studying the Bible
  • Cooking/Baking
  • Making a cup of coffee and mixing the flavors to get a swirl of amazement on my tongue.
  • Putting things together. Figuring out what one thing has to do with the other and how it all relates to the Bible.
  • Writing, drawing, painting, pottery, photography
  • Sitting on the beach, toes in the sand and listening to the waves hum its’ beautiful tune.
  • Going for walk
  • Listening to a record on a record player.
  • Sipping on hot chocolate and cuddling up to Eddie.
  • My son. I love him so much.
  • Praying, spending time with the Lord. (That of which I’ve been getting A LOT of lately. I feel one hundred times better.)
  • Volunteering for Proverbs 31 Ministries.
  • Folding fresh laundry
  • Washing dishes
  • Cleaning, really.
  • Decorating
  • Creating
  • Choose Your Own Adventure Stories.
  • Epsom Salt Baths
  • Lighting candles/Wax Warmers

I ran out of things to list at the moment. Just had the itch to make a list. I do that from time to time if you’ve been with me for a while. Something about them is so organizational and alluring. Me in a nutshell.

You know even through it all, I am cared for. Loved. Taken care of. It’s all through the Lord that this is happening. Isn’t that magnificent? I couldn’t be in a better place at the moment than I am right now.

Do you know what today is? Just another day. No longer an anniversary, just an ordinary day in the year. I choose to not let my past define me and the memories attached to certain days to stay any longer. I’ve made so many new memories attached to old things and it’s such a great feeling to be able to enjoy things I pushed away for so long. There is a point where things can be appreciated “in the moment.” That’s how I’m trying to live, in the moment. I have to say, it’s working really well now.

I can’t stop thinking about my next advancement in the church. I can’t believe I signed up for Psychology at a Christian college. It blows my mind I’ve finally went through with something. I can’t tell you how excited I am. I love school. Plain and simple. I didn’t want to seem like a nerd so I tried to “fit in” which was technically “fitting in to not fit in?” Aka “The Outsiders.” Aka “The goth, emo, poetry kids.” Or as Ricky could call it, “The Leftsiders.” Or Left side of the bell tower. Funny. I am mentioning this. I had to get my transcripts from the high school today.

So I’m not sure where I’m going with this today.

I am okay.

“Soul Mate”

So here lately I’ve been noticing that I have been replacing “My Favorite Song” with “My Soul Mate Song,” etc. and so forth. I do believe in soul mates. Something in me says that I have many soul mates, or “favorites.” I wasn’t born with my “soul sister,” I found that in Victoria and she found it in Ciara. We are both totally fine with that because we know we love each other and will always have each others backs no matter what situation we may be in. That’s sisterly love right there. (Battle Ready.)

The family we were born into is the one God placed us in and through Jesus we found our “extended family” OR “marriage.”

These are the thoughts that run through my head a lot. Just a little taste doesn’t hurt. Or does it?

So, Patrick bought me this salted caramel coffee for our new Keurig and it is amazingly delicious. I bought a Honey Bun one by Donut Shoppe. The best. He got some caffeinated Hot Cocoa. It’s actually really good too. Unless he really reads this without me feeling like I need to show him, I fill the cup 10oz. setting and then add a 3-count pour of M&Ms Creamer (Or any to your likin.)

That’s how I make your H.C. taste so good, babe. You get to have my “secret recipe” if you see this. BAM!

Writing that felt very, “Riddle Me This…” lol

It feels so good to write in here again. I get more therapy out of this than my own therapist (and she’s GOOD, don’t get me wrong). I’ve seen her for a while now and we already have blown my mind twice, so. I’m sticking with her, when the money is available. She understands my “struggle.”

So, I hate my job. Well, not my actual job (Ministry.) The Health Insurance Company. I think I’m about to finally fail and be let go from a job. It doesn’t bother me one bit. I am more of an outgoing social (in-person) person. That’s the honest to God real me. This whole “I’m reserved and to myself” bull crap is being squashed. This is who I was always meant to be but I hid her behind drugs and alcohol and relationships (both sexes). “Forgive Tom, Father, For He Did Not Know What He Did.”

“I’m on the Wrong Side of Heaven, but the Righteous Side of Hell.” Those lyrics are definitely resonating through me big time.

Happy Sunday, Everyone ❤