Photograph

Now there are plenty of photos I’ve taken in my lifetime. There is one in particular that I just absolutely love and am so thankful I was able to snap before anybody moved.

❤ ❤ ❤

It was a night Patrick stayed over and in the morning Eddie wanted him to watch cartoons with him. It’s also the same day Eddie said those sweet little words, “I love you,” to him. I love them so much, it’s almost impossible to describe. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without them in it. Frank is pretty special too. He’s a sweet putty tat.

November 24th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving.” -1 Timothy 4:4

This Joyous Feeling

Today I am so thankful for the feeling I get when I decorate for Christmas. My life really needed some extra joy this year, and what a better way than to put it all up early. The word, “Joy,” has been on my heart a whole lot lately and I just feel like it’s going to be the word for next year. As simple as the word is, it expresses so much of a feeling I haven’t felt in over a decade. It inspires me to seek it every day I wake up and it all starts with Jesus. That’s where my ultimate joy comes spilling out and trails me throughout my day. Sometimes it is easier said than done, but I am truly trying to be who God says I am.

Here are some decorations from around my room. Enjoy.

Doors to my room
I love the way the lights look!
My cozy daybed
JOY
Snowman
Christmas corner
I love this bag from Cracker Barrel
Decor
Penguins
Decor
Jesus ❤

I’m happy with the way everything turned out. It’s peaceful in here right now and I think I’m going to enjoy the silence before we pick up little man. ❤

November 23rd, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Therefore, as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” -Colossians 2:6-7

Cultivate Worship

I am so thankful for this book, “Write the Word: Cultivate Worship,” by Lara Casey and the Cultivate What Matters Team. This is our next study through Proverbs 31. It has brought me closer to the Lord and opened my eyes up to some deep truths about myself. Writing scripture, gratitude, and meditating on what it means and how I’m feeling is right up my alley. I am extremely excited to get this study started.

November 22nd, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples!” -Psalm 105:1

Thankful for Fear?

Today’s prompt is something you are thankful for that is a disappointment or fear in your life. You’d think, “What would I possibly be thankful for that causes worry?” Well, I can actually answer that for myself as much as I felt confused.

I’m thankful for the disappointments of drug and alcohol addiction and the choices I’ve made in the past. I’m thankful for being fearful thinking I was going to die so SO many times. It’s made me feel the most alive I’ve ever felt. Going through every single bad thing, disappointment, fear… it’s only made me stronger. Being pushed to my final limits and meeting my alters and learning about being multiple was one of the biggest fears besides addiction I’ve ever had. They scared the straight into me two big times in my life. Both I was drunker than I’ve ever been and they weren’t about to have their life ended, let alone mine.

Thank God for the situations and hurdles we go through in this lifetime. It shows us where are weaknesses are and hopefully how to learn from them and avoid them as much as possible. I could sit here and name all the disappointing things about me, my guilty pleasures, fantasies, and sins I want to relive but have the decency to move towards the light, not from it. We all have our quirks, ticks, addictions, sins, temptations, and on and on. Being able to relate to others and work through it together is a blessing in itself. I’ve recently had my alcoholic friend come back into my life. She is now two weeks clean after being in the hospital because of it. I’m hoping this time it scared her straight enough. I will continue to be here for her as she is for me, regardless what happened in our past.

I actually talked to her the other day and she asked me where I’ve been. I told her that I was sorry, sometimes I get into my own head and pull away. She goes, “Yeah, don’t do that,” stern as all get out and it made me like snap into this reality that people really do care about me. I need to stop reverting back to negative coping mechanisms, that includes pulling away from people who truly do care. I was just so used to some extremely poker-faced people who seemed like they care when all they were trying to do was control because I was weak. I mentioned, “You have to understand where I’m coming from,” still, “Yeah, don’t do that.” I love that girl.

I went back and re-read a couple posts to fully understand how I wanted to go about this entry and I think I’ve done it justice for now.

November 21, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“I thank God whom I serve, as did my ancestors, with a clear conscience, as I remember you constantly in my prayers night and day.” -2 Timothy 1:3

Headmates

Today I want to appreciate how much my headmates mean to me. Without them I don’t think I would be alive to type this right now. Through the power of the Lord they have been given to me to help navigate a life that’s a little more complicated than a singlet could. I love being multiple.

I’m not going to lie, I think this morning I kind of tested Lyle a little. I can hear him say, “Ha..a little..try a lot.” It happens. Grace. lol There are so many times where it just feels unreal or like I’m just imagining these things. I sometimes wonder if I’m faking. I then make myself feel guilty and then usually shut my mind off. This morning I kind of had an attitude and said, “Well, What are you going to do? You aren’t going to control my body.” I was fighting getting up out of bed to take a bath this morning. Well, apparently Lyle wasn’t having it. It’s almost like my whole mood changed, my thinking, and I felt like a different person and it confused me. I jumped out of bed with the feeling of excitement in my chest and headed to the bathroom to take a bath.

As I was drawing the water I was trying to figure out who was so chipper as to get me up and going this morning. I finally started to feel a hint of who it might be and sure enough, it was Amber. She has an abundance of energy and is like the little engine that could. Always going. I heard her go, “There ya go, silly!” I felt happy again and just went with it.

Later on Tracker picked out a very cute plaid button up at Ross and I ended up getting that. It was one that had a cutesy little belt to go around it but he decided to throw a tank underneath, button up halfway, and tie the ends. It looks so much better this way. Mom suggested wearing it buttoned down long and leggings, but Tracker does not feel comfortable in anything but jeans and baggy or button up shirts. He knows how to make the body look cute when he wants.

Thanks Tracker 😉

I can feel his presence in the headspace as I’m typing this out. He is looking forward to spending time with Patrick. He’s my sweet southern boy among the others. I’ve got quite a little southern group inside that love bonfires on the weekends and beer. Good for them, I can’t stand beer. lol

Anyhoo. I’m going to close this out to spend time with the little feller before we head out. Have a great weekend y’all!

November 20th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper chamber open toward Jerusalem. He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously.” -Daniel 6:10

Cultivate Worship Group 110

Lord,

I can’t express how thankful I am to be leading such a wonderful group of women, most of whom I’ve never met. Proverbs 31 Ministries mean so much to me and I’m just amazingly blessed to be apart of such a wonderful congregation. For you, Lord, to give me the opportunity to lead in an all women’s ministry is beyond anything I could’ve ever dreamed of. The ultimate payout is the gifts of the Kingdom and making your Word known and spread across the world. It’s a privilege to hold such a high honor you’ve placed on my life.

I come to you and humbly ask that you please be with: Beth Kimbel, Cheryl Shaffer, Christina Bentheim, Jennifer Bunderle, Laurie Kenton, Lisa Mcelrath, Michelle Thompson, Tamara Skonseng, Annie Johnson, Brandee Felling, Elisabeth Post, Gina Lay, Raquel Wells, Sherry Hecard, and Susannah Seal. Bless them fully when they come to you each day to write the scripture you so desperately want to lay on their hearts. Let this be an experience that strengthens their relationship with you and really let them dig deep into their own hearts and emotions and express exactly what it is they need to release. Let their voices be heard and thoughts be organized in a thought-closet specifically created by You, our designer. Bless these women deeply with your wisdom and knowledge of a perfect life when we partner with you.

I ask that you please be with me as I find the words to write and the ideas to spring forth and touch these ladies lives. Please help me to be encouraging, helpful, and full of the holy spirit to calm their weary hearts. I ask that you fill me up so I can fill them up.

In Your Name I Pray,

Amen.

November 19th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,” -Psalm 103:1-4

The Little Things

They call it being a slacker, I call it living. I’m thankful when I’ve got so many other wonderful things going on around me that I forget to stop by here. Not that I don’t think about or miss it, but life is treating me very well. I was officially hired on at Aetna yesterday and rekindled my friendship with Victoria over miscommunication. That was depressing me for a couple days straight. God is good and he knows we get caught up in our own fears and then assume. We fixed that. Her and I are one of the greatest teams you’d ever have the privilege of coming across through the wonders of the Lord, Jesus Christ.

So today I’d just like to be thankful for the little things that bring me comfort and happiness.

Shadow, Coffee, God

My sweet little fox, Shadow, that Patrick recently graced me with. I take him everywhere. I just love the way he makes me feel. I also have my morning Cup-A-Joe in one of my favorite mugs. It actually is “Sweater Weather” outside today. It made for an enjoyable morning walk. Crisp and breezy. I also have my planner that I received as a prize from an event Victoria hosted when I was in her small group last year. I love it, helps to keep me organized. I quite like organization.

Gotham City Christmas Tree

I’ve had that puppy up since the first weekend of November. I needed an extra month of happiness this year. It’s been hard and this just makes me feel comforted and brings me joy. Eddie likes to play with his Gotham City and figures before and after school in my room. I decided the theme this year is, “Gotham City Christmas.” Patrick suggested getting jokers and other DC characters to put on the tree. I think that’s a splendid idea, I love my hero/villain loving men.

I’ve decorated the majority of my room and there’s nothing better right now. I am finding my passions again, my hobbies, the things that bring meaning to my life, and the will to do God’s calling all through him. I’m blessed beyond measures. It’s turning out to be a decent ending to a pretty craptastic year, if I’m to be honest.

I’m going to sprinkle you with scripture today since I missed these three days.

November 16th, 17th, & 18th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” -Galatians 2:20

“…giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,” -Ephesians 5:20

“I thank my God always when I remember you in my prayers,” -Philemon 1:4

Experience

You know, there are many experiences that I am thankful for. I am wracking my brain and it is just like a flood of memories start to swirl around and beg to come to the front. I’m just waiting for one to settle and let me pick. I mean, I was listening to The Avett Brothers and then decided I wanted to listen to Grateful Dead. I have a feeling Pops is with me this morning. It’s like I just feel his presence all around me. Toe-tapping, singing out loud, sitting in the computer chair, typing away on my laptop. This is a great picture of how I remember him. Happy, loving life, enjoying music the unique way he did, and just living like there was no tomorrow. I feel like I’ve got a lot of great qualities I’ve picked up from him. This new confidence being one of them. It’s weird, but I just feel so damn good.

You know one experience I absolutely loved? We went to the Bowman Gray Stadium in Winston-Salem, North Carolina to see the stock car races. It was sometime end of June 2018. We had such an awesome time and it is an experience I’m SO thankful to have had with him. God blesses us with the most amazing people in our lives and we just have to cherish the time we have with them. We will be with them again so I think it’s better to just live that happy life and let the little things that remind you of them bring you complete joy.

I’ve kept these tickets in my wallet since we went that day. There they will remain.
Pops and I before the race. (We had to play the part, you’ll see. lol)
Chris and I took pictures of typical race fans. Lady holding new infant with too big headset.
All I’ve got to say is…Sexy… HAHAHA

After the race we went and got milkshakes for us from Cook Out to bring home to Mom and Eddie. It was something that I hold in my heart that I will never let go. Whatever racing event I attend from here on out, I’ll always have Pops in my heart, there with me, making fun of the fans.

November 15th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere.” – 2 Corinthians 2:14

One of Chris’s Favorites ❤

Something Old/Something New

I’m just going to come right out and say it, this whole “Something old/Something new” just reminds me of marriage. The last thing I honestly want to be thinking about right now. Then why am I listening to a song my sister sang at my failed marriage wedding? She sang it to beautifully and it touched my heart, I balled like a baby and we both danced with Eddie during it. I won’t ever forget that. It’s an old memory that I will always hold dear to me. It’s funny how the love you used to feel for someone can just shift to a new feeling of love, one that’s not eternal or forever. My head is all over the place today and I can feel so many emotions that’s making me sick.

I am thankful for the years I had, the good memories. He was the first person I truly loved with everything inside me. I still love him, it’s just not that same. Thanks for the memories.

Out with the old, in with the new. I’m trying not to be too drastic here, but I am so thankful that Patrick came along when he did. I would not be here today if he was not the first door I opened to a new future. I see it as a blessing. I’ve since found my worth, who I am, my independence. God has been opening up so many door since then that I never thought I deserved, and probably don’t. It’s by his will and mercy and grace that I’m doing what I love and have been given the chances I have.

I am extremely emotional today, it might also have to do with the fact that last night my aunt attempted suicide. We talk on the phone all the time, she lives in Oregon. We both have a lot of the same mental illnesses and I’m not going to lie, it does scare me. I know what’s like to be in a dark and dismal place. She slit her throat and was found and rushed to the hospital before she could bleed out. Thank God she didn’t hit anything major and end up offing herself for good. This has hit me harder than I ever thought it would. It’s given me nightmares already. Very bad ones last night and now I’m afraid to go to sleep tonight.

My friend Jo is also in the hospital for pancreatitis from alcohol abuse. She swears there is something else wrong and they are trying to figure it out. I just feel like my temptations and mental illnesses are coming out of the woodworks and are trying to plague my mind with negativity. I won’t let it happen, I’ve got the armor of God strapped tightly to my body. Satan will not win this one. I love them both very much and I only hope they both get better and the help they both need. The power of prayer is absolutely amazing and I truly believe in it. I can’t continue. Here are the verses from yesterday and today. Pray for me my friends. I may need it more than I know.

November 13th & 14th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!” – Psalm 100:4

“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.” -James 5:13

❤ My sister sang this beautifully. ❤

Job Offer

I can’t even begin to explain how excited I am right now. Around 9 o’clock this morning I was called with the job offer as a health concierge for Aetna. Words can’t express the emotions I am feeling. Thankful is an understatement for this. Life-changing, however, fits nicely.

The pay they offered me is more than enough to get my life back on track, my license back, and take care of my son. Three HUGE blessings right there. I have so many thoughts that I can’t seem to decide which one to jot down first. What I find interesting is that my Grandma Carol sent my Dad home with this.

I mean… If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is. She received it in the mail and said she would never use it, gave it to Dad, and he said, “Well, it makes sense for you to have this now!” No further from the truth. Patrick is honestly the one who referred me to this position and I just followed through. We make a great team. I am blessed he even mentioned this to me. This all happened within a week, that’s not usually the case is what he told me. I was a quick hire and everyone I have spoken with has been so friendly and understanding. I think this is a great company God has graced my life with and I feel I will do extremely well in this position.

I’m in a state of shock right now. It’s almost like a complete calm came over me and I don’t want any explanation as to why the way my life has grown in such a positive and spiritual manner. I’ve humbled myself quite a bit and have to tried so hard to be the kind of daughter our Father wants me to be. I’ve become strict with how I respond to things and the actions I’ve been taking. As the Book of James states, “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” I’ve been putting this into practice for a little while now. I want to make Him proud and be the best I can be for the glory of God.

One thing I believe to be true is that working from home, there is WAY less temptation than being in an office. I feel like I need to keep to myself and continue to walk this faith-journey and become even closer to God. The relationship I have with Him is absolutely amazing and I only want it to become more bonded, stronger.

Lord, thank you for all you’ve done in my life thus far. It is beyond anything I could’ve imagined and it makes me feel like I’m finally doing the right things in life. I want to honor you all the days of my life. Continue to search my heart, break me of temptations, and send me where your will needs me. Amen.

November 12th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.” -Reveltation 4:11