It’s come to my attention that when I’m extremely happy I rip it away from myself as if I’m not deserving of it. I’m so deserving of this feeling. I’m tired of having to put my own emotions on the back burner because I feel every one else so strongly. I’ve got 20/20 vision this year and it’s time to finally see clear. No restrictions, I’m not going to be near or far sighted. I’m going to be as clear, honest, and wide open as possible with who I am. I don’t care if you don’t like my vibe, if you can’t stand the person I am because I can honestly let myself feel and be me. I’m done.
Life is a choice. Emotions are a choice if you truly feel them from the depths of your heart. No matter how hurt, scared, sad, angry, there is always something there in you holding yourself together, if even by a thread. Happiness, excitement, exuberance is what is flowing through these veins. I’m doing more, my creativity level has exploded into multitudes I didn’t think I possessed anymore. Then I heard “her” voice. It’s hard to explain when I am writing this with her.
Let me introduce to you, Autumn. She has been with me since I was probably 15, and has aged up to 17 and then stopped aging. She is beautiful and a wonderful alter. She is my creativity, especially in writing. I created her and she bloomed in my mind and it’s the woman I always strive to be and how she was left dormant for so long, I feel guilty. She was in the dark for so long when I turned to the drugs, the drinking, the sex. I left her in the shadows, left her in the dark. She has filled my hollow heart again and I love her to pieces. It’s so much fun to be writing this with her.
We are a very co-conscious type of system. It’s never really one out at a time, we are more comfortable in pairs. I think that’s what’s best for us at this point in our life.
Anyway. I have so much to say and it’s almost to the point of being so loud in my head that it’s like ADHD. What are you going to do?
Back to Autumn. She is a doll-baby. She is about 5’6, medium length hair, blonde. She dresses kind of punk, red halter tops and black ripped jeans most of the time and supporting red converse. You know, and this may seem kind of silly, but she looks like one of the back up dancers to Fred Durst in his music video, “Nookie.” I would draw her all the time. That’s kind of the era she is stuck in, which is amazing. One of the best time periods of memories for this system before it became extremely wack. She will always be one of my best friends of the system, we work really well together. I’ll have to post an excerpt of my short story some time. Little 17 year old me feeling the feels. Talk about hormone monster.
I think this is where we will leave it for now, we’ve just got too much going on in here but I wanted to show a different side of me to ya’ll.
Take away time: Fuck what ya heard, I’m gunna be happy, carefree, and a force to be reckoned with. Take me or leave me. *Wink* – Autumn