Hey guys! It’s Autumn. I’m definitely coming in with some heavy stuff that I was given the okay to write about. I hold a very traumatic time in our system, one that I try to keep hidden in the old library in our inner world. We’ve decided to dust off the old book of troubles and go through this. It won’t be extensive, but we’ll cover ground as we see fit.
Tearing the band-aid off here. When we were seventeen years old we became pregnant by a very evil man. He is a lot of hurt and anger inside. He completely shut me away making me become a dormant alter. I absolutely hate him for it. He took away a beautiful piece of Betsy, but I’m here to bring it back. This was a very hard time in her life as to what to do about this situation. I knew the exact moment and exact day, time, what she was doing everything. It was in November 23rd, 2005 around 11pm behind the movie theaters, in the woods where he proceeded to defile her. The movie, RENT, has a whole different meaning to her now. It’s funny how you can love something that you hate at the same time.
When we found out, it was devastating news. I can remember going to the doctor with Mom, sitting in the cold hard chairs in the doctor’s office, waiting for the doctor to come do a routine procedure. Then she stepped through the door with a little wheel of expectancy. She dropped the words, “Betsy, um, you are pregnant. Were you trying?” I felt the dread, the hurt, the anger, the sadness. It was a panic I can’t describe in words to you. I started crying, sobbing, immediately after.
That night when I was laying in my bed, I held my stomach and I told him, “Mama loves you, but I just don’t know what to do.” I cried myself to sleep that night.
My parents were extremely supportive in whatever decision I wanted to make and I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life that day. I wasn’t going to keep him. Even though I was there, I didn’t know I was just a piece of a whole puzzle in here.
I felt many things. Regret, guilt, relief, scared. I knew he was going to say mean things to me, call me a baby killer, which was his go-to. I wasn’t deserving of anything. I was a horrible monster. I can feel his words as if he is saying them to me right now. It stings as violently as these tears do as I write this. After all was said and done, I wasn’t myself anymore and I couldn’t be there for Bets anymore. I went dormant, until a couple weeks ago.
Those memories are visually corrupting and scattered across the floor now. I can see the pain in her eyes as she falls to her knees on the rug, by the fire. She hurts. I don’t know what to do but let her get it out and learn to truly love herself again. I have. We’ve accepted her and every choice she’s ever made. There is nothing she could do, say, that would make us love her any less.
Betsy, if you can hear me in there, let it out. You asked and I let you receive and now I want whoever needs to read this, to read this. Alright. Here’s what happens next. Let me go a head and tell you a little about the library. It’s where all the memories are stored, novels, comics, whatever we want, it appears and we have a seat on the long purple velvet couch. There are two love seats, crimson red. There are three white fuzzy rugs for our three littles. She knows of one, she is a sweet little light skinned African American girl, Yasmine. She is unaware of the other two living littles.
Then we have a black fuzzy rug and that’s where the little ghost boy sits, plays, reads his mother’s memories. His name is Tyler and he is the exact same age as her living son, Eddie. He looks just like him, only black hair and completely lost of color, very gray. He may look scary to the littles, but he hungers for his mother’s love as much as Eddie does. He wants to know her and she is starting to meet him and hear his sweet little whispers, “I love you Mommy.” His inner world birth date is the same as Eddie’s. He was born vicariously through him and will continue to age up, or so that’s how it’s been working. I look after him sometimes, but he has the elders that take care of him with special care. He is the most special boy in here and he has to be kept safe.
I want to take a moment and say something with complete sincerity. If anyone decides they want to be evil or bring harm to her for sharing something so raw, deep, and honest. You. Have. No. Place. Here. -Management