A lot of days I wake up and I have to sit and wonder who I am. Who feels like taking the reigns to get the body up, starting the day out. It’s always a cheerful fellow, so I’m going to assume since I’m feeling him, Billy is here with me. He goes, “Yes Ma’am I am!” He is a very sweet boy, I’m not sure what his age is, he, I believe, is an age-slider. Let me describe him for you.
Billy likes to dress up in button down plaid shirts, tucked into his blue wrangler jeans. He wears Doc Marten boots and they always come untied. It’s cute. He is very kind, caring, and likes to take care of my Mom. He is a gentleman. He makes the sun shine and a song form in my heart. His physical features vary. Brown boy cut hair, brown eyes, and I’d say about 5’7. That’s what I’m getting at the moment, sometimes he is around 10 years old and it’s adorable.
When I first met him I knew he and I would be getting along pretty well. That first morning he took me outside around 7 am to look at the beautiful blue sky, the sun shining, birds singing, and he told me to take it all in. God’s creation is beautiful and we need to admire every bit of it. I’ve since taken time to admire, live, take a breathe and just be. It’s calming and freeing at the same time. So thank you for that Billy.
Today, however, Quinn decided to show face. Like, literally, made me up and everything. I had no idea what I was doing, just knew I was about to look like Harley Quinn. Fictives are very real. I’ve got a good group of them and I let them come forward when they need to. Sometimes it’s just the characteristics of the character that need to help me out. I feel confidence and good about myself mostly when they are co-conscious with me. Quinn is spunky and takes after the newest Harley Quinn the media portrays. Apparently she has changed multiple times in the inner world to become who I am today. She has a Jersey spin about her and it’s sexy.
There is just so much I am learning every day and my mind is on constant red-button stand by. Someone comes forward, presses it and my mind blows. It feels like a rush of adrenaline, sometimes a tingly numb feeling spreads throughout me and that’s when I know something is happening inside. A lot of times I have to hold my head because it gets intense. In all honesty, it feels like being on ecstasy. It’s a natural form and it’s crazy when it happens. It’s the calming, everything is good, you love everybody, everything feels wonderful, kind of feeling.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m helping you understand what it’s like to live with DID. I will explain as best I can to bring to life such a real and overlooked disorder. We are a proud system and why not smile? -Quinn
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