My mind has been nothing but a mess today. I feel like it is constantly overflowing with emotions and I don’t necessarily know how to handle them all the time. Sterling has been ever-present in my mind with his anger and I can’t stand when he rears his head. I love the guy, he has put up with a lot of horrible things in my life but I just know the feeling when he is around. It’s not good and it’s best for me to just keep my mouth shut.
I’m battling with happiness and I almost feel like I let myself experience too much of it. Again, I don’t know why I cut off my supply and then leave myself to fend for whatever or whoever wants to grab at it. It’s frustrating and typical. My creativity starts to dwindle and then I feel like I am around step one again. It’s like a 12-step for my alters. It starts strong and then about halfway through, they crap out. It doesn’t last long before I’m back to almost a manic depressive state. I fluctuate so rapidly it makes me exhausted. Then, of course, I can hardly sleep or my son is up until all hours of the night because he is thrown off.
My head hurts and I feel sad and I hate when this happens. I’ve got so many good things going for me right now and so many great things to come. God has given me an abundance of blessings and opportunities being thrown in my face left and right. So why do these stupid humanistic vibes have to flow and throw up a wall for me to crash into? I try so hard to be a positive person. I try to be at my best self as much as I can but I’m feeling tired and it’s showing. My easy frustrations towards my son’s erratic behavior, my parents trying to steer me in a direction when all I want to go is in the other one. I’m trying my best to bring myself up and I’m gathering this. I need human interaction other than my family and I just hope they can respect that.
I battle with feeling like I’m still a teenager when I’m not and it’s hard when you can age-slide and it all comes back. It doesn’t help with my situation one bit. Trying to figure out how to go about the divorce that he isn’t picking up on one bit. *slaps forehead* Getting our bearings back down in Florida. Finally being happy and making our life (this includes Eddie’s) where I want it to be. Everything I do, I’m doing for Eddie and myself.
I do admit. I am but human, I am selfish in a lot of my ways. There are things I will do for myself, but always with Eddie in mind. Even if that means grounding myself by talking to others who we feel we can trust and are safe with. One being Mom. Always. It’s a good feeling to be cared for and loved so much.
It’s nice to be able to come to a space where I can just let it out and let my emotions have a place to live. I just have too much going on inside, a champagne bottle about to explode and I’m not sure where the explosion is going to land. On what, who, or why it’s going in the direction that it is. I can just feel it welling up inside and as I continue to suppress it, the more guilty I feel for not feeling.
I think that’s enough for tonight. I’m tired but I’m sure it’ll be another late one. Until then. -Bets