You know that feeling when you’re not alone but it’s when you feel your most alone? Yup. Me in a nut shell right now. I’m in conversation with everyone in the house and love flows through the sadness. I talk to someone who makes my heart fill up and flutter to the point I don’t even know who I am. I’ve got wonderful friends who are near and dear to my heart from all treks of life. So why?

Quite possibly I just alienate myself all on my own without realizing it. I often wonder if it’s because I just need a break from it all. Most of my interactions are online so it’s not like I even have a social life anymore. When others get to go out and do things and they have a nice time I can’t help but feel isolated even more. Freedom is so close and yet so damn far away.

I, a lot of the time, just feel pathetic in my situation. I know that I can have positive impacts on others through a screen, but my real life situation is bleak. My best friends are in my head and I can’t even truly “hang out”with them in the outside world. I’m thankful for them, but it’s a headache from time to time. It’s scary when you share thoughts with tons of other people when some of the time you don’t want to be heard.

Now it’s like you have to behave for not only others, but your own self. Some will make me feel guilty for feelings I have, others will encourage me, and some just don’t care. I have a reality inside and out and it’s a hard thing to comprehend. I still have so many unanswered questions and doubts about what really goes on up there.

My mind won’t make itself up. Do I want to just be left alone or am I crying out to others just to be heard? When I’m not busy, my mind isn’t busy, I don’t feel useful. Ever. When I am thriving with helping in the ministry or my family and what needs to happen here, that’s when I’m in my element. I need to be engaged or I become bored, alone, and depressed. Creatures of habit, right? I guess so. I just wish we could all come to a conclusion on what we want to feel and just stick with it. -Who knows at this point.

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