You know the music you listen to that just hits a chord within you that just throws you back in time? I wasn’t aware that a Deftones mix was going to do that for me. I literally felt like I was sitting in my old room, journal open, writing poetry like the good old days. When life was complicatedly simple and we thought life was just “so unfair.” I don’t know about you, but that’s where a lot of my darkest times took place.
I remember sitting there in my room listening to Slipknot, KoRn, Atreyu, Lacuna Coil, A Perfect Circle, Tool. All that happy go-lucky music, yea know? Good times. Good times.
You know, my best friends at the time, Emily and Kristin, helped me to create “Unheard Voices.” I was the president of the poetry club and Em was my V.P. You know how fitting and uplifting that was for us? To passionately throw yourself into a mix of emotions so raw and sometimes uninviting. We had some real good volunteers to read and express themselves. It was such a connection and felt freeing. It’s one of the things I do miss about high school. When your biggest worry was, did I remember to write a new poem, pouring my heart and soul into it. Oh, right, and did I order Little Caesars or provide cookies and drinks for the poetry slam? It was nice when there was a good showing of students. It made me feel accomplished anyway.
I look back on it now and wonder why I didn’t just take my time and enjoy my teenage years? Why did I have to rush it by getting into a relationship at 16 with a 24 year old drunk. I had no idea where my life was heading after him. Myspace was evil.
You know who really ruined me? His name was Daniel. He was every girls wet dream at the time. A player and not very good at hiding it. How I ended up with him for a year or so, I had no idea. It blew my mind because I’ve NEVER thought highly of myself. He was the perfect mix of bad boy, long flowing hair, and semi-pro rollerblader. That was the thing at that time and I wasn’t half bad myself. His ramp scared the shit out of me though.
I fell hard for the fucker. I was 14 at the time and he was my first, so I mean, there’s that. He shared my love for KoRn, concerts, and sneaking out at night for some fun. I remember that we both made a pact that if we were 30 and both not married we would find each other and be together. Ha. My God, how naive can teens get, huh? He tried to contact me when I was in my early 20’s, but of course Stephen hid it from me and then asked if I knew him. I was livid because this cat was abusing me too. My track record with abuse is intense.
I don’t know why I am going into this, I just feel the need to type it out because I’ve let a lot of my past just sit there and I’ve yet to analyze it and it’s hard to keep stuff from, shit, 16-17 years ago? Being 31 isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I feel just as youthful as a teenager a lot of times. I’m still confused in this tragedy that is life. It doesn’t help to have this type of music reverberating against my ear drums and making me float to memories I’m rediscovering. Things I never gave much thought to.
This is where I wonder if I make any sense or if I just jump too much from one topic to the next. I guess it shouldn’t matter, this is my therapy and it’s the only kind I’m up for right now. Ugh. I’m having a hard time feeling whole. I feel depersonalized a lot right now. I am sitting here but I’m not. One thing I’m still getting used to is typing but not feeling the keys flow beneath my fingers as freely as they do.
Why can’t I make one complete thought or stick with one story? My mind is scattered all over the place and I can’t grab just one page and write verbatim what it says because the next flies into its’ place and so on and so forth. It’s scary to see these words already written in my mind and all I have to do is basically copy it onto here.
I’m done wasting everyone’s time. -Jaden/Bets