I don’t necessarily have a topic for the day. I just feel the need to write something, put it down, and let it go. I’ve got a lot going on today. The world may be at a standstill, but my own is going at 60 mph. It’s nice to be an odd duck sometimes. I don’t like normal, I like unexpected.
My mentor and I are talking a lot today. I like to keep in contact with people who bring me joy, worth, and equally intellectual conversation. I am very wordy and like to go in-depth with a lot of what I think and am feeling. I’ve been told to be kept quiet for so long and now there’s no holding back. I am without filter. You take me how you want to now. I’ve given my last flip.
It’s funny for me to say that, coming from a person who cares so much. I think there are certain parts of my life where I’ve said “no more” to. The compassionate, caring, would do anything for you factory is still open for business. Doesn’t matter what’s going on on the outside, the inside is a full fledged machine. The insecurities department is probably the most exhausting role to play. It goes temporarily out of service every single day when I find the things I love and am blessed to come in contact with. So during those couple minutes, to endless hours, I am completely content and in my element.
That’s about where I am at right now. I feel genuinely happy and in my element. When I am apart of something from the beginning and get to see the inner workings of something, I feel at peace. Watching our study group come together from creation unto what it will become is a thing of beauty for me. I want to impart my knowledge, compassion, and understanding to these other women and make sure they feel accepted. I want them to feel the same acceptance I felt when I became apart of the ministry. I strive to make a vision a reality. I already have so much of my life figured out and now it’s just putting it through the motions. I can see where my life is headed and let me tell you, it’s beautiful.
If things don’t go according then I will accept the change. I’ve learned to go with the flow and let it set itself up before me and then continue stepping forward. I can’t exactly explain how I know things or how I’m shown what is to be and then it is. I’ve always felt like I’ve had a special gift in foreseeing things. Now with all of these new alters and this whole new feeling inside of this vessel, everything is becoming even more clear. I would love to share this feeling to the world, I think it would help out so many who suffer. I wouldn’t change anything about myself for anyone. I would give all I have to give, but I wouldn’t ask to be any different or experience what I have any less than I already have. I’m finally learning to accept myself, my disorders, and my life. I’ve got exactly the people I want to be by my side day in and day out. I’ve surrounded myself with positivity and the Lord. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more I could honestly ask for at this time.
You know, music is truly one of the best parts about life. We can create our own soundtrack for whatever it is we may be feeling at that time. Maybe we just unknowingly put on something that we really needed to hear. The subconscious is a sneaky little bugger. That’s for sure. I’m kind of in a pumped up mood and YUNGBLUD is my pumped up playlist. I used to not be able to write like this with lyrics streaming through my head. Now I can literally sing the song and type without problem. It’s a new skill I’ve prided myself on. Don’t necessarily understand where I’ll ever need this skillset, but I’ve got it.
I can feel the wheels turning inside and I’m not too sure where I am going with this again. I mean, if it brings on readers who have ADHD, then maybe I’m doing some good. Right? I have too much to say and never enough time to express myself. I guess with the world on lockdown now is a better time than ever to start truly using this journal as we’ve intended it for. I need to start working through my trauma and I find ways around the subjects to keep myself safe. I am stronger than this and I’ve got tons of support now, we’ve clearly led you to. No need to be scared anymore, dear.
It’s a comfort to have others write while I am in the middle of a sentence because I know they are there. This disorder gives you a lot of doubts as to if it’s real or possible. I feel bad because I know they get tired of telling me I’m not crazy or Yes, we are here. You’re listening to me right now, why would we make this up? The brain likes to detour you from the truth and will become deflective anyway it can to keep you from truth sometimes. I mean, look at what is going on right now. The government is doing it to us right now. Using a distraction to some bigger things going on in the world. Or if you want to go the religious route, God is telling us, time to slow down. You need to come to some truths because if you don’t do it now, it’s not going to be pretty in the end for you. Take solace and comfort in my words, the way I am slowing you down to truly appreciate all you have and all you love. You are nothing without me.
Again. Opinions are formed and made, not necessarily everyone’s belief and that’s not my problem, it’s yours.
I tell you what, I feel like when I need to hear or read something from you, you pop up at just the right times. I’ve never felt or connected with someone like this in my life. If this is the direction you are taking me Lord, I will follow it until the very end. Please use me. You’re the only one I would ever let me use me the way that you do. It’s beautiful. It’s comfort. It’s planned. I love a good plan. We’re yours to mold, critique, sculpt, make us in your image. Let me cry out to you, sing your praise, find my way to you. Be my eyes in the darkness and take my hand when the murky waters are a little too muddy. I want to proclaim your name daily and be a vessel in your everlasting will.
I’ve got a lot of different people coming to the front to talk, so just bare with us. Wow. That took a turn. A lot of times I feel like I’m just in a trance and I’m not even sure what I’m saying is coming out right or making sense because I’m not concentrating on what someone else is doing. The insecurity department just took down its’ “Be Back in 5” sign. Sometimes I say things to someone and then immediately wonder if I should’ve said it. I keep getting told that whatever I do, whatever I say, will never change his mind. I’m still going through the “how did I deserve this” phase of my life.
My life has never been good. It’s always had doubts and hardship. To have something as good as what I’ve got right now, it’s no longer a harlequin dream. I have to retract something, I can’t say it’s never been good. It has had its’ moments. I guess I just hardcore feel the “winds of change.” FINALLY. I think I’ve waited long enough, I’ve been through ENOUGH, and I deserve this season in my life. A good season. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to be greedy over this, it doesn’t do anyone good to be that way. What I’m saying is as long as it is rolling in the way that it is, I’m going to savor, enjoy, and love every minute of it. I don’t know how long this season is honestly going to last but I know one thing for sure, it’s not ending anytime soon. Everything is finally beginning.
Here’s to new beginnings. -I couldn’t even begin to tell you who all spoke today.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs 3:5-6
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