Despite the dream I had right before I woke up, I absolutely love my life. Have you ever started your day and thought, “Ya, it’s going to be an awesome day.” Bingo. I love when I am in a great mood, smile effortlessly planted on my face and a song in my heart. These are the days I cherish because I keep seeing more and more of them. It’s been so long since I could honestly say I am truly happy with everything going on in my life. Everything is moving forward. I’m not slipping back and I don’t want to look back.
I’ve been making strides in my life to make myself feel better. I’ve changed my eating habits and there is a difference. To anyone saying that isn’t a thing, you’ve got to be kidding yourself. I’ve been incorporating little workouts into my routine, again, the burn feels so good. I’m listening to uplifting music, reading positive material, and learning to lead more proficiently through ministry. I am in such an elemental state and I’m praying I don’t come out of it for a while. I’m too comfortable with temporary and if anybody knows me, I don’t do normal. Ordinary is so mainstream.
It’s funny that when you decide to change for the better something tends to click and even your cloudy days can seem sunny. I do have to say, I’m glad that the sun is shining through today. It’s a beautiful day outside, I say as I write from my couch. Eh. I’m working on myself, give me a break. The windows are open and fresh air is still circling through my nose. Spring has such a specific scent. Things are becoming new and growing. My growth is becoming beautiful too. I’m still opening my eyes to the fact that I can be happy and loved with such immensity I can’t even begin to explain.
Something I also noticed. People are so negative about everything. What good ever came out of anxious, negative, and fearful responses? Nothing. I can tell you that one plain and simple. You might surprise yourself if you throw in a sprinkle of positivity, even if it’s just one change you make each day. Before you know it the cup has become half full again. I can tell you, my response to that scenario was always half empty. Nah. That’s not the case anymore and it’s such a simple yet rewarding response.
If there is a goal that I could claim, it’d be this. I want to be a positive influence on the people I come in contact with in this life. I want others to believe in a light when I am in their presence. I just want to be a good in others lives because everybody deserves happiness. I’ve dealt with such negativity all my life and now I finally feel like I’m a shining beacon of hope. You better believe I’m going to put my all into everything I do. The experiences I’ve been through shows what a warrior I am. My strength is through heartache and bruises whether it be mental or physical. I shouldn’t even be here today but I am. If it wasn’t being beat, drinking until I couldn’t remember, being strung out on drugs thinking my heart was going to eventually beat out of my chest, or being used like a community fountain. I’ve almost drowned but found my strength to make it up to the surface to finally breathe again. The most delicious, life-altering experience in itself. I found God again.
I know that when we think of the wolf, we think of the beast with the gnarly teeth, a savage, ready to kill. It’s used in the bible as when the sheep lose their way, they are scared of the wolf. I am that wolf. I identify more with the wolf than that of a sheep. I don’t know if that’s selfish in not wanting to be “of the flock” that follow Christ, our Shepherd. I see myself in a different way. I am on the outside, looking in, and I just want to help lead the sheep back to the pasture. I want to show we may look intimidating on the outside, but we are gentle giants on the inside. Beautiful as the sheep, scarred just as deep, with just as glorious of a song in our soul as the next.
I have a pack of wolves that sing their beautiful song to me each night before I fall asleep. The song is of nothing I’ve ever heard but it reminds me that I am being watched and protected through the night. No one can ever touch me or hurt me again the way that they did. I stand up tall and I feel them at my heels. Their chests puffed out, claws secured in the cold hard ground, and ears ever at attention. I am safe. We are safe.
I left my wolf necklace with the man I trust most in my life and I have to admit, my neck feels bare without it. For me it’s almost a test of security and trust. I know he would never let anything happen to it or to myself. I’ve secured my cross back around my neck and I hang my fox pendant from my wall as a reminder of what I mean to someone else.
I’m starting to lose myself again. I’m going to cut it off here. Stay positive, people. Spread that. -Bets and the pack