So I’ve been noticing this for about the last couple weeks. I thrive as soon as I wake up and start my day off with killer positivity and I love it. Then 14:30 comes around and the depression slowly starts to creep in along with every insecurity I try to hide. Then 15:00 hits and bam, it’s full force on. The thoughts are intrusive and it’s something I absolutely can not stop. I haven’t found the niche yet that makes this all come to a stop. I feel distant and alone. Exactly.
I pray, I try to watch a calming upbeat YouTube video, I listen to music, or try to write. I’m thinking writing helps to get it out more than all of the above. I just have this like clock-work routine of emotions and it’s just more relevant to me now. I sometimes feel a lot of anger during this time. It works itself out somehow. When I get super short answered replies I feel like things are being hidden from me or I’m not worth the time. I am a very wordy person and it’s hard to be one way and others to be another because I always think the worst. I mean, I have my days where I don’t really feel like conversing or I try to answer someone with the best of my ability to sound sincere. I think I’m exhausting myself this way. I get a headache around this time every day and it’s always on the upper left side, right between my eyes, and lower right jaw.
I clench my teeth a lot when I am tense and I know I grind my teeth at night, which doesn’t help. I feel my shoulders are stiff and I have to every so often realise the tightness all over and loosen everything up. I tell you what, I’ve never had a professional massage, but I’m thinking it might be worth looking into after all this madness. I need relief.
Once my mind decides to calm down I start my upward journey back to happiness, which isn’t usually until 16:30-18:00. Any time in between. Then the rest of my night goes extremely smooth. I honestly think I’m a morning/night person. The afternoon is bollocks. I can’t get on with it and I don’t think I ever will. I think I just start to feel extremely overwhelmed with emotions because it’s when everyone in the system is feeling their most vulnerable. Again. Loud. Best way to put it. I get dissociated and start to think these strange and random thoughts I absolutely know do not belong to me personally. Some I get confused and am not sure what they mean by it. It’s a scary thought to not know something you’ve apparently been through. Being protected is a blessing but what this body has been through isn’t. Not a good bit of it anyway.
I can honestly say I am feeling a ton of relief right now. Maybe I’ve found my prime time to write and be open and honest with myself. There curls a smile. Love it. It is so strange to have a feeling just overpower and overwhelm and right now it’s calm. Oh how I missed you. Those couple hours of negativity are not my thing. It’s very hard to work through it, but we are strong and we’ll press on. God is good all of the time, even in time of hurt and uncertainty. It’s a blessing to have fellow readers and people who reach out. You never know just how much that means to us. Feeling heard and understood is all we are striving to do. Thank you for giving us a place in your daily life to see what we go through. I am thankful to all I have stumbled upon and get to experience life through their words. I couldn’t belong to a better community of talented writers. -Autumn