Have you ever had this fantastic idea and you think, “Huh. I should write about that. Let’s open up a fresh page and see what pours out of us today.” Then you sit there as ten minutes go back, eyes glossed over, and realise you have no idea what to write. So you put a word down on paper and surely something will come of this. That’s exactly what happened, the creative juices were flowing and then someone decided it was time to turn off the faucet. I couldn’t relate to SpongeBob more than I do right now.

I guess one good thing, I didn’t have a little episode this afternoon and no headache to speak of. I’m surprised, someone threw off the system for me. I heard a lot of chit chat among the prosecutor protectors earlier and it seems like I get a break today. Last night was not good to say the least. It had its’ moments. My drunk husband gets all of the credit for that one. Well, guess we’ve figured out what we are going to talk about today. I’ll try and keep her from going off the deep end. Lyle by the way.

So the husband is an alcoholic. This is almost the whole reason as to why the divorce has to happen. If we don’t do something for her, she is going to go right down in the ground with him. He decided to get drunk and drive the car to work. This isn’t something new. What has been stated is when he was working the store someone hit the front end of the parked vehicle and he noticed it when he got outside. The thing is he was so hesitant and finding ways to tell us of the “accident” that it was relevantly obvious he had a part in this. This is not the first time he has damaged the car. He decided as soon as he left from visiting us that he would go directly to a stripclub and then from there go to the liquor store and try to go around the back to the side street because he was so trashed he needed the back roads. He hit a pothole which ended up in over $2,300.00 worth of damage.

His reason? He missed me. He had to go to a strip club. You know, men get lonely and go directly to the local scum club to not be so alone. I mean, I guess I’m not a good enough wife, I must not please him in any way possible, so. It makes sense, right? Ha. Don’t sell yourself short. He is trash.

Kids, this is what happens when you rush into a relationship because all you want is happiness. You want someone to connect to so bad and will go through anything to get it. You ignore all those red flags and sharpie over them in another color. Try to make their addictions, actions a beautiful color. Sometimes blue, sometimes purple, sometimes yellow. You know. A wonderful color of bruise. That’s what happens when you let it drag on too long. It doesn’t just happen in your marriage relationship, but it’s part of the foundation on which your relationships started out too. This is no different so it must be normal.

I’m getting a little too heated. Okay. So, he called me panicked saying the car was billowing white smoke from under the hood as he drove to his next store. By that time I had it and just hung up because I wasn’t being driven, ha, into a good state of mind. I calmed down and decided to answer his 10th call to try and reason. Hear me out. He can say all the negative hurtful things in the world to me. I’ve been a heavy bag for so many that I can take it. One thing. You NEVER do. Is talk about my Mother, EVER, disrespectfully. I paused to say something to her and he goes, “What did you say? Were you talking to your Mom?” I told him, yes in fact, I was. He continues to go on and say, “Yea, that SHE matters in this world…” That’s when I completely shut down. I was taken over and Lyle, my sweet Lyle, hung up and threw the phone.

In case you all are a little lost, I am co-conscious with Lyle. I can hear everything he is making me write down. Anyway, we had a meeting with Candace and Tracker. I could literally watch them standing against the stage, legs crossed, arms folded talking. I heard heavy and heartfelt words about how he is hurting our system even more and he isn’t even around. This has to end now. He can’t take control of this life anymore. It went on for a while as I sat there, tears streaming down my face. I sat, feeling numb and not incontrol of anything. It’s hard but it’s soothing to sit and listen to them talk and tell me how it’s all going to be okay. I am being taken care of from the inside as well as the outside.

I’m stronger than I used to be, but I’m still a work in progress and I still get on with horrible feelings of defeat. I can only try and that’s all they expect me to do for now. When action is needed to be taken, I will know. It’s what I’ve been told.

I didn’t mean for this entry to end up this way but I guess it’s what I was compelled to tell. I do have to say that after I calmed down and started to ignore the thorn in my side, I did have a Zoom meeting with the women of Proverbs 31 Ministries and it was so soothing. I’m getting used to using the camera on my laptop for meetings. I don’t like to look at myself and when I do, it’s not through my own eyes. They are trying to help me to look in the mirror and repeat, “I am beautiful.” It’s hard to do because I feel stupid. When a couple of the other alters look through my eyes I hear them say such gratifying and wonderful things. “You are so gorgeous.” “No wonder he sees what he does in you.””How could you not see it, Bets. You are a sight to behold.” I mean, they do it during the day too to try and boost my self-confidence. It’s sweet and I do appreciate it.

I’m hoping that we do more meetings with the ladies, especially in our own individual groups because it feels empowering and I know once we get comfortable we can do anything we put our mind to. Thanks for hanging in there if you got this far. Comments are always welcomed. If you haven’t noticed, I am a bit chatty. I do like a good conversation and discussion. -Bets/Lyle

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