Do you ever feel like everything you do is never good enough? It goes unnoticed? You try to do the right thing, but it sometimes just doesn’t cut the mustard? I struggle with all of these questions in rotation almost daily. I wonder if I’m really wanted around or if I’m just there for your muse. Am I doing it right? Am I being everything you need and truly want me to be? My insides are cramping and it’s starting to become physical pain on the outside. I feel it when I start to become anxious and worry. My right side next to my ribs hurt and make me grab at it something awful. The pain moves to between my breasts, right at the sternum.
I have a bad problem with it becoming irritated and inflamed a lot and it sometimes is to the point of doubling over in pain. Probably something I should get checked out but of course I’ll wait to put off like the rest of my health.
So my intent was not to complain about my physical pain, but my mental pain, but here we are. The one place I can come where I don’t feel judged and yet I still do. I judge myself too hard and it puts a toll on this body. Obviously. You know when Solomon went to the Lord to ask for wisdom and clarity on how to rule his people? God gave him the knowledge, the wit, and the answers on how to be a wonderful and powerful leader. He also felt that because he didn’t ask for wealth, a big mansion, or anything earthly that he would give him all he needs. Solomon fell short later on when he went and married countless woman because he fell victim to love and how captivating it is to be loved.
Is it odd that I relate a lot to him? His book, Song of Solomon, is my absolute favorite and I plan on getting a tattoo of Chapter 8, verse 6:
Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
the brightest kind of flame.
I plan to place it over my scars on my arm where I cut to remember why I am alive. I have this urge to do it soon. It’ll be right below my wrist and my cross tattoo. Fitting.
My whole point in this is I am constantly asking for the wisdom, the knowledge, the answer to be a better person for not only myself, but others. I take my job in this life very seriously and I believe I am here to be a voice to a specific audience of people. That much I do know is true. I’m just trying to figure out who I touch and in what ways. I’ve always had this gift to open up people. It’s never failed. I don’t know how or why I possess it but I just do. It may seem awesome but it can be such a burden sometimes because I take their energy and experiences and I place myself in it and try to go through it as best as possible to find the words to respond. It’s so easy to be the receiver but when you want to be the one to do the giving, it’s like I almost don’t know how. I’ve only a very very select few I can honestly say I trust with anything. This is something we are working on.
I’m supposed to open up and I know I’m being told it’s my time to put my talents and my gifts to good use. It just comes up like word vomit and spews all over the page. Kind of a nasty analogy, but it’s what I got.
I guess what I’m getting at is that it’s time the world knows who I am, what I am capable of, and how I intend to do it. Try me, world. You are my oyster. -Autumn/Jason