I’m not one to previously retract any statement that I have ever made. Everything I say and do is for a reason. I know what I did when I did it. When I asked God to graciously search me, he decided to put it into full affect. I’ve had dreams and little things come up in conversation, an email reveal a part of my past and now ever present future. I’ve come to realize my fears and weaknesses that make it hard for me to give those situations to God. I try not to let fear cloud my mind. If I did, I’d be where I was at in December. A bad situation.
The more I over analyze things and the deeper my thoughts go into one direction, the more scared I become. I’m desiring selfish and lustful things and as much as I know it’s a problem, I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. I’m not going to stop pursuing what makes me the person I am and personally happiness for myself and my system. It’s what is saving us at this point and I’m not about to give that up. Sometimes you take a dark outstretched hand to pull you up into the light of the situation itself. I can literally feel myself being pulled from the muck and gunk and it’s a wonderful feeling.
I suppose if I can also see this as a saving grace than it should have some meaning. If it didn’t, none of this would be occuring in my life. I think I’m in a little bit of a state of confusion. I know what I’m here for, mostly. I know some of the big plans and prior engagements that are to come. If it’s not a feeling, it’s a sense and it’s big. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this complete in my life even though I know all the pieces aren’t put together yet. I’ve already seen it in completion and it’s beautiful. I have always had a sense about things before they happen. I’ve seen things I knew were going to happen come to fruition.
To be honest, I feel as cool as a cucumber right now. Something I strive to achieve most days. Some days I feel like I’m an electric fence that could shock the shit out of you if rubbed the wrong way. It’s interesting how our system works through things differently. I came to a little bit of an agreement with Sadie last night. How to tame her wild side and make her feel a little more comfortable within the realm. We’ve had subtle breakthroughs and I believe it’s just steps closer to realizing that we just can’t be hurt any longer. We can’t find fun and excitement in dangerous situations.
And so, “Control,” by Puddle Of Mudd just came on and my ears perked up at the argument in the beginning and it made me feel a good/bad feeling. Little triggers and things like that can switch up my mood and bring co-conscious alters. So, yes, Sadie is now sitting there listening. She loves this song. Now I have feelings of being dirty, naughty, and full confidence. Something about being out of control yet in control is arousing. It doesn’t have to be sexual, it could be something simple. I feel like when she comes around I put on a coat of pride for things that aren’t so great but make me thrive. It’s an all too familiar feeling that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to shake. More of less, I don’t want to shake. It’s made up such a part of my life that I want the comfort in the memories or the adrenaline fueled, heart racing, thrill-seeking, danger that comes with it. I’m addicted to this feeling and if I can get it without being under the influence I am all the more accepting of it.
This part of me wants no part of anything else. So now, I’m not sure how long I’ll be this way today. It’ll show in my responses, it’ll show in the way I treat people, and it’ll show as a reflection of my true self. She keeps telling me this is truly who I am, don’t fool myself. It’s harder to keep a positive and true sense of who I am right now. I feel like I need to shut this down while I can before she becomes completely in control of my actions.
I think it’s too late. Stop saying she, it’s me. So don’t act like I haven’t been trying for a couple days now to come out and say something. Goodness. I didn’t say goodness, but whatever. I have no interest in what she does with her religion, I have no interest in her work. I am pretty much here for self-inflicted pleasure and pain. What can I say? Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage. I can’t fully come out unless she is truly under her alcohol addiction or some drug. Pill-poppin or, whatever I’ve got to get my hands on to further my grand entrance. She can still see all this, stand here, pout, and fold her arms over at me. Ha. It’s kind of funny.
You know, I’ll cut ya some slack.. I still have respect for you, I mean, you still let me do some fun things so I’m not going to be all on my high horse. Just know that I will come out when I need to. I’ll fight your physical fights and battles. You know how I do. I won’t hesitate when it comes to defending myself …and yea, I guess the system. (She has a hard time accepting that she needs us.) Whatever. I think you had a great idea, Bets. Let’s cut it off now. Let me have my fun now. -Sadie