I am not sure where to begin this one. I feel betrayed and hurt. I never wanted it to be this way. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be. I can’t help but feel these feelings with such intensity that it physically pains me to the core. I asked to be numbed today but it’s not allowed. I’ve pushed my troubles down for so long that it’s time to try something new. A new way to push through the pain and the unreasonable explanations as to why everything is happening the way it is.
It’s hard when you are trapped with no way out. I found a crack in the foundation and it’s crumbling down around me and I can see the light again. Even if you don’t want me to. God finds a way to shine his light in me. I am as authentic as they come and I don’t make excuses for who I am. I just am. And you know what, as you put it, yes. I’ll continue to “keep being a good person.” You know why? Because I can see the good in me that you never could. I’ve been shown who sees the good in me and it’s beautiful beyond words.
I originally wanted to come here and express that even little things you do to hurt me, can. I want to take the higher road on this one and continue being true to myself. I may not be made up of the best people sometimes and my reactions may be a bit skewed. One thing I do know, it’s always out of protection if anything. I’m delicate and beautiful as a porcelain vase but the roses that I contain have thorns that can cut deep. I won’t be the one to hurt you, as you’ve already hurt yourself and there’s nothing more I can do.
My heart feels for you and wonders why. I don’t want to feel for you, but I always will. I can never have what I used to have with you and it’s so clear now. I don’t want your love. I don’t want your excuses. I don’t want your arguments. I don’t want your last name.
I want to be freed from what has a hold on me the most. These memories can always be filed away and tucked deep down in the depths of the library. Lock and keyed by my protector who will always be there for me in any time of my need.
Some say what a curse living this way is and so many have no idea what everyday life can be like. I don’t feel this way. I feel lucky, honored, blessed to have an army of protectors, persecutors, handlers, friends, MY people. The gatekeepers to my mind and to keep me safe in times of worry and hurt. The hurt that you can no longer give to me. It blows away with the memories of what could’ve been and what will never be again. -Bets