I have to put a disclaimer here. This is a TRIGGER WARNING. Mention of self-mutilation and bodily fluids.
So of the systems that I talk to, I’ve noticed that feeling like you are faking is a common ground. It’s almost like you don’t want to acknowledge you’ve got a disorder because there’s no way possible you experienced the trauma to produce such an outcome. Thing is, everyone responds to trauma differently. Some people can go through a whole lot and not be affected and then there are others who could’ve had a minor accident as a child and bam, DID.
This disorder is confusing and scary and not all at the same time. Sometimes I feel blessed because if anything, it’s saved our life and continues to push us forward instead of back sliding. I think when there is silence or I’m not co-conscious or there are days of, “Uhm..hello? Am I all alone again?” That’s a freaky feeling. Then at night I’ll be thinking about something and I hear, “Hey! Stop thinking that, you’re going to be fine!” Then is hits me all at once again, there it is! When Lyle said to me that I am stuck with them for the rest of my life, it’s been ingrained in my head. He sounds like you and I can’t unhear those words. “Betsy, you have to live with us forever. We are here and we aren’t going anywhere from here on out. Get used to it.” That’s an intense thing to hear, especially in his voice. When you think someone is actually in your head that is a physical being that you are romantically involved with. It’s almost crazy. You have become my voice of reason but it’s not you, it’s Lyle. He looks different, acts different, has his own qualities. The mind is a strange and powerful place, just so y’all know.
I let my bestie, Em, read a pretty good chunk of our inner dialogue the other day. I was hesitant to let anyone read it, but I trust her completely with everything. She’s always been the one person who wouldn’t judge me and understood everyone has their flaws, quirks, and motives. So thank you. ❤
It’s always nice to get someone else’s point of view on what you are going through. Lyle feels pretty confident in meeting her in person one day and that’s a HUGE step for our system. It’s so hard for a single alter to front that isn’t the host with people. It just hasn’t happened. It’s too fresh, too new for any of that. I’m not entirely sure how it would play out. When I was under the influence it was easier for them to slip forward while I wasn’t full minded and able to let them take advantage of the situation. If they didn’t do that there are times I fear I would’ve been dead. So thank God for the ones who wanted to keep me safe. Unfortunately, Sadie is very destructive and has cut us pretty bad a few times. My sister had to help bandage our arm after she cut deep four marks down our arm. What is scary is we were all together when it happened.
JC and I were drinking and my sister, Hay, was hanging out with us. For some reason I wanted to watch Thirteen Reasons Why on Netflix. Sadie goes very dark a lot of the time. So we were watching it and I remember getting up and going to the bathroom and Sadie was talking to me and all I could do is watch as she got the razor blade out of JC’s bug out bag. I was shaking on the inside, pleading for her not to do it. I had absolutely no control, it was like I was blocked off completely and was praying to God, please, just don’t let her kill us.
I watched as she grinned at the blade, running her finger along the edge. She looked up into the mirror and laughed and then started to cut four lines along the inside of my arm. I couldn’t feel it. At all. The blood drew and ran all down the arm, drops pooling on the counter and down onto the floor. She kept saying, “I can feel, I feel alive, I can finally feel.” You know how scary it is to hear those thoughts and not be able to feel? I was fear struck and panicked internally but looked like nothing was phasing me on the outside. It was almost as if we were in a trance that I couldn’t shake. Once she was done, the blade was placed back down on the counter and she sat on the toilet looking at her little creation, pressing her finger into the wound and sucking the blood off her tips. I felt sick to my stomach and that’s when I could feel everything. I had control, I snapped out of it. I shot up, slammed the toilet seat up, and vomited a mixture of Whisky and blood that had been swallowed.
I sat back on my haunches and felt the room start to spin and put my head into my hands to gather what just happened. I felt helpless at that point. I stood up, grabbing the counter and washed the blood off and grabbed a washcloth to put around it to go and get my sister. I felt like a horrible person and felt even more horrible that I had to ask for her help because I couldn’t physically bandage my own arm. She freaked out and pulled me into a hug and said, “Betsy! I love you, you don’t have to do this to yourself!” I felt like a complete asshat and knew I couldn’t tell her how it actually happened or she would try and commit me or something. She helped me and after she told me to please call her and let her know if I need anything. Keep checking in. My husband was passed out by the point so he didn’t know anything that was going on.
That’s the last I remember of that night. I woke up to a bandage stuck to my arm and the pain was something fierce. I am so lucky it didn’t get infected or that it wasn’t fatal. So here’s where this disorder can be frightening. I haven’t had any means or want since then to do anything like that. It was another eye opener to me in that moment that the drinking to oblivion had to stop. All of this factored into the eventual discontinuation of being with my husband. There is so much more that I’m going to say, so much more I have to get out. I am so happy I was able to do that. It was truly hard, but I had so many helping me through that just now. And like that, I know that I’m not faking, I know I’m not alone, and how lucky I am to have Dissociative Identity Disorder. We as a system can keep us safe as long as we are willing to play nice and use our power for good.
Please know in all of this, I am a point in my life where I’ve never been happier. I am so loved, taken care of, and blessed to have the people I have in my life. I know I can rely on them and be myself around them. Finding the Lord again and fully letting him back into this life of mine, it’s been where I turn to the most. Without him, I am nothing. Andrea and Candace reassure me that they aren’t here by coincidence and I truly believe that.
Thank you for sticking through if you’ve made it this far. “The world isn’t all cupcakes and rainbows.” -Branch (Trolls) Absolutely true, but you can change the outcome of it if you try. -Autumn/Bets