I’m finding that it’s one of those days where I woke up and everything was automatically thrown off. I’m still reeling in a headache, my nerves are all screwed up now and my sciatica is howling. I’m trying to do everything in my power to shut my racing mind off and find some zen. I just don’t feel good. Period.

I grabbed my fuzzy wolf blanket, made some hot tea, and decided the rest of the day I’m going to focus on myself and just breath. These are the days I’m not super happy with myself or my condition. I feel defeated yet again and just not good enough. My motivation is lacking for things that bring me such joy. I get so sad when I feel this way because things have been more on the up and up than anything. So when I get slung back down into the chair I feel like I’ve slipped up. I don’t understand why my mind can go from calm and at ease then thrown off something fierce and be a hundred miles a minute. It’s exhausting when it happens. I’m lucky enough that Eddie is such a well behaved child and loves spending time with his Nonnie that if I am feeling this way, I don’t have to worry. I am so lucky to have a family that cares so much for our mental health and well being. I am also lucky to have a handful of sweet loving friends who are there for me through it all. And of course someone who loves me beyond all recognition that would do anything to reassure and calm my mind at the drop of a hat. I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

Which brings me to that cute little thing that happened today. When I get in these moods I find it calming to put on some music that makes me feel humbled, nostalgic, or soothed. I’ve been doing a 30-day music challenge that I might incorporate into this journal, not sure yet. Would love to see what y’all think about that. Anyway. I put on some Avril Lavigne because let’s face it, she’s my girl. I can get down any day with her music. I used her song “Smile” as my song of the day and then continued listening to some more of her songs. I am one who will go and pick which ones I want at the end of a song. It’s hard for me to have a list just play through, I’m getting better at it.

I decided to put on, “Keep Holding On” while staying on the YouTube tab until I could press “skip ad” so it could just start up. I looked down through the song list and hovered over what I wanted next and then saw I had a message from BDB. Don’t get me started on what it stands for I won’t be able to stop laughing. So yes, I got a message from you and it was the exact same song I just put on streaming full blast into my headphones straight into my heart. The feeling I got was so strange. I started pumping up full of adrenaline like I just took a line of coke to the head and my entire body started shaking. Then I felt an intense feeling of love surround my being and then it went to confusion and then to a full blown panic. I’ve never felt all of these sensations all at once that it completely threw me into a tailspin. I’ve never felt such a deep connection and on the same wavelength as I have until I met you. It’s insane.

I know that may seem simplistic, stupid, small, but it’s none of that to me. It’s hardcore signs and each one near and dear to me when they occur. It’s just more reasons as to how right I am as to move in this direction. It’s leading me to where I need to be. I am so on point mentally in this area of my life that I don’t want it to dull. I don’t think that’s even possible with you by my side. Life makes sense when you are in it. So thank you for that even if you never knew.

It’s funny how much writing helps me to come back down to “normal.” I was explaining all of this to Mom and she was very convincing as to why all of this still happens. It’s what I’ve been used to in my life. My mind and body doesn’t realize that it doesn’t have to torture itself to sooth it any longer. I don’t have to turn to the bottle to get through my evening, throw a couple pills back, or hurt myself. I am able to relax and settle myself with reasonable solutions like everything I am doing right now. I want nothing more than for this to be our new normal and I intend in every way to make this so. My mind feels a sense of calm right now and it’s such a beautiful thing to feel. No longer induced by harm, just love and peace of mind.

My life is just getting started in the right directions and I’ve no plans on turning around to what I once knew. That’s history. My story is finally being written in the most beautiful language, style, and memories that I cherish so fondly already. I’m so humbled and grateful to make so many more with the people I hold highest, nearest, and dearest to my heart. Life, you amaze me. -Bets