I’m extremely confused on how I feel today. It’s almost like I’m going through a handful of other’s emotions and it’s becoming exhausting again. I keep watching videos of systems on like on YouTube and today Jess of Multiplicity & Me shared information on faking and a 12 point checklist they use to diagnose DID with. Here is where I say this disorder is confusing because it’s almost like you have to constantly validify everything you say and do. When you don’t realize what you’ve done or why you are acting a certain way and start to sit and watch what’s going on without being in control.
I think I’m so new to a lot of this that it’s starting to get to me. When I was introduced to the new headmates it was so intense and overwhelmingly powerful. It made me nauseated, confused, and pressurized causing constant headaches. All of which I still have and when I know someone is close one of these symptoms always present itself. Like right now I know Gus is upset because I wouldn’t create a World Of Warcraft account. I was on the page and he wanted me to put his name and information in the box so he could play. I promised him yesterday we would relax and play whatever he wanted last night. When the time came I flaked and didn’t feel like playing and I could hear him go, “Really? I believe you told me earlier we would relax, smoke a little, and play.”
My want to do certain things that I, Betsy, are a little different than what someone else may want to do. So when I get a bug up my butt to play a video game or if I want to paint my finger and toenails. Those are things that Lacy, Kasey, or Mads would want to do. I, Betsy, do not find pleasure in those things and I’m not a gamer. Gus is my gamer and he’s been there since I was 6. That was new information just shared. Wow. Okay. That was his outlet in our childhood on up. I feel really strange right now. I have all these memories of when we were little and playing and just getting lost in it so I didn’t have to hear what was going on around me. I didn’t have to think how I felt abandoned when I wasn’t.
This is where I feel like, did I make up some of the things of my childhood, were they really that bad that it had to come to this? I know that growing up and a lot of the horrible and terrible things that happened in my youth added to all of this. I almost feel like I was addicted to the thrill of it and that scares me. That’s also something that makes that adrenaline rushed fear fuel through my body almost like a cold chill of winter air in the dead of night. My body has been processing trauma and I feel like my mind is not in tune with it. I’ve woken up now a couple mornings with new bruises on my legs and it throws me into drunken fight nights. I’m safe, how are these showing back up on me. Am I doing this to myself in my sleep? The dreams I’ve been having are intense and not friendly. I just hope I’m not self-inflicting myself when “I’m asleep.” These are times I wonder if someone else is awake and I’m inside not knowing at all how someone else is treating the body. This is the part of the disorder that scares me.
When I am really happy, upbeat, super talkative, in a mood to write good things or meaningful things, I know Autumn is near and I love her dearly. I’m starting to understand who all is close or fronting when I’m sitting and wondering. Sometimes you honestly have no idea who is doing the movements, the talking, the thinking. You know how many emotions can arise from just that thought? This body is exactly as Lyle put it in the beginning, a meat suit. I suggested we call it a vessel as the Lord calls it. It made me feel less like I’m being pulled around as a marionette on strings and more like a human being. And when I hear that voice say, “Not a human…” It makes me question everything.
Now I’ve got a feeling of pride and confidence. I get that from Lyle, I get it from Striker, Tracker, Sterling, and Sadie. It’s so weird to know other alters and characteristics that would never be justified to describe me, Betsy. There are times where I’m doing something and I’m embarrassed because I can feel myself being watched by others and myself. Then I start to question everything I’m doing, if I’m doing it right, or am I being made fun of. I’m not going to lie, some do like to make fun of me and torment me. It’s the way they showed me without a shadow of a doubt, I’m apart of a system. It took me a minute to even write that out because it felt like it was being said to me and I had to wait. Like when you are having a conversation with a friend and they get tongue-tied or are trying to explain it without sounding confusing. There is no such thing as “social distancing” inside my mind.
Then there is the time when I hear nothing, dormancy, and that’s when the, “I’m faking it. You are an idiot,” starts playing through my head. I feel like I’ve always been dependent on someone else and it’s showing through this condition. Being independent frightens me to the core. Being alone. Never being loved. Being a disappointment. Being used but wanting to be used just to belong to someone. I’ve got so many things I’ve yet to work through and I have so many inside who want to help me work through it. When something is brought up is when I shut them off, put up my wall, and then all I can hear is the muffling shouts of, “You can’t put this off much longer!” It scares me. Fighting my demons who are reaching out and tugging at my mental sleeve to sit down and just listen. Maybe we could get through to you if you’d just hush up and listen. Stop wondering, stop questioning, stop trying to figure it out, just listen.
When I type this out it makes me see exactly what I need to do and I feel extremely dizzy because I feel someone pulling at me. I think I’m going to go and tonight I’m going to play some WOW. Sounds like a good time. -Gus