Of course I have to ask in the form of a question. It seems like my whole life is a series of endless questions. Why does Mother’s Day have to be happy? Aren’t I entitled to feel whatever emotion I want to on this day? Besides joy there is heartache, sadness, and want. There is confusion and pressure of emotion that is weighing me down so hard today. I can literally feel it around my heart and my chest. It’s almost a disappointment type of feeling.
I’m not saying that I’m not grateful because I wouldn’t trade anything in this world for the blessing of my son. He is without a doubt my whole world outside of my heart. I am just not feeling today. I feel bad for wanting to cry instead of laugh. For wanting to cover my head with my blanket and just sleep for a while. I’m not sure what would help me at this point to recover from the emotions that are beating me down.
I feel so heavy, it hurts to even type at the moment but I have this urge to release whatever this is in hopes I can find a little bit of comfort in my day. I don’t think being in pain is helping either. I don’t want to come here to constantly complain but where else am I going to do it where I can just feel free? Free to feel how I want to and not conform to anyone else’s norm. Being an empath comes with a price, I greatly believe.
Mom is having a rough day herself. It’s the first one without her husband and technically only been a little over three months. I don’t blame her one bit for becoming defensive over such crazy statements. She shouldn’t have to feel happy either. When I watch her go from “happy” to in tears the next moment and then trying to pull herself out of it all over again. That’s what hurts the most. If I could take all her of hurt and pain away, I’d do it in an instant. She’s one of the most important people in my life, she gave life to me for Christ’s sake. What she has done and continues to do for me is only by a Mother’s love.
Thank you Mom for raising me the way in which you knew how. Alone. You were always the one there for me and you poured your heart and soul into Hayley and I. I witnessed it amongst all the other things going on around us in the process. I saw and heard it all. Children’s minds develop around it all and I can say you were never apart of the problem. I never want you to beat yourself up for the way I ended up. I know you feel that way sometimes and I want you to put those ideas to bed. I love you, Mom.
Eddie, thank you for being my healthy, smart, sensitive, sweet, and caring baby boy. You gave me the title of “Mom” and it has meant so much more than you’ll ever care to know. I am so much more than a word and you so much more than a son. You came into my life a blessing and God knew what he was doing when he placed you, specifically, in my life. I am forever grateful to raise you and be here for you through it all. You have so much love from your Nonnie too. She loves you with all her heart. You make me so proud to be a Mom and it delights my Mom so much. You are a piece of our little puzzle in this life. I love you, Eddie.
I needed this. I had to get through the underlying sadness to open up my heart to the glory of Motherhood. God has given me an important task in this life. I want to be a figure my son can look up to and realize that Momma isn’t playing when it comes to you. I think I’ve figured out my word. Blessed. Blessed Mother’s Day to every single Momma on this glorious God-given day.