Every feeling is legitimate. Every feeling is also not a fact. We are so consumed with what we lack and we only see what we don’t have. The Lord should be my portion. We need to feed ourselves from the manna of the Lord. His portion is perfect. We need to be willing to recognize our own brokenness in order to receive God’s manna.
That’s just the takeaway I received from my bible study this afternoon. The truth is in His word. It’s so powerful to sit back and think how everything I hear, watch, learn, has something that pertains to what I am facing in my own daily trials. It’s the living word for a reason. Why do I take for granted everything he has placed in my life. Why do I always feel like, “Well if only we could just get back down to Florida I can get through my divorce. If only I could move forward in another relationship, the one I’ve pursued before I even got out of my last one. I need to get Eddie ready for school, well I’m messing that up because I’m already two months late for signups and I have no way of proof of residence in that area yet. I need to get him to the doctor, haven’t done that. I don’t know if I’m going to have it all together for him to start. What am I doing in this ministry? I’m losing my motivation so quickly as it came. Am I even worthy of being a disciple of the Lord and lead women to his word when I can’t even crack open the book when I need it the most? God WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?”
I am so afraid, I am so scared, and I’m trying to live in the future, not in the present. I’m presenting these feelings that are completely legit to have BUT these feelings are also not factual. I have no idea the outcome of any of these things because they have yet to happen. I need to stop doing that, I need to stop feeding the “Overthinking Monster.” If I don’t my days will only be consumed by thoughts that destroy me. That lead me to being a monster of a woman myself.
Here’s the thing, I’ve already recognized my own brokenness and I’ve accepted it, fully. Am I cuddling up with it instead of what the Lord is trying to provide to me to get me through this season of my life? What is ruling over my heart, actions, my decisions? If I take an honest step back and look, it’s the overthinking monster. It has a grip so deep in me that I’m revealing my scars and reliving moments that have come and long passed. I am not reaching out to God and taking the portion he is providing me for that day. I am giving up over things that haven’t happened and that I play out in my own mind.
He provides daily exactly what we need and I need to start taking from today than the portions of the days to come because what will I have when I get to them? Nothing. Worry. Pain. Countless hours already clocked and then wonder why I even worried at all. I look back at what I’ve worried about in the past and think, didn’t He get you through all of that? Look where you are at now. He’s asking you to be apart of something so much bigger than yourself and the problems that lie ahead. Bets, He’s got this. Always have, always will. What makes now any different than your entire life?!
I’m valid to have these feelings but they don’t provide the outcome. I need to remember this. Things will come in the time that they are given and for now I need to just sit back and let actual life happen. Not the fragmented pieces of fictional reality I’m trying to live. The manna has been served, it’s time to dig into all he has to provide for me. I need to stop going to the conclusions I’ve fed myself, to the people who don’t know either, and I need to turn all of this into my dangerous prayers that lead to God. He knows my heart. He knows it well. He shaped every bit of me and put my motives and my ambitions into place and He’s watching them unfold as I am. Thing is, I don’t know what the future holds.
“The Lord’s unfailing love and mercy still continue,
Fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise.
The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.” –Lamentations 3:22-24
My relationship with God is complicated. I know that I’ve become closer but I’m still full of questions and I still feel like I’m standoffish. I don’t want to call myself a flake, but I do it quite often in our time together. I almost brush off myself so I can get to others and their needs. Here as of late my problems and things that I take to heart have been coming up like word vomit and it’s making me feel guilt. It’s coming out to the wrong person and I don’t want to burden anyone with my own unacknowledgement of my feelings and hardships. Again, knowing where I need to take these to God and just don’t. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of, He isn’t here to watch me fail.
My soul-searching seems to be endless and I’ll be doing it for the rest of my life. I’ve come to that conclusion. I just hope there is patience in the waiting. I will never truly be exactly who anyone needs me to be, not even for myself. I guess that goes with being a human. We need a rewire, stat. I need to work on this part of myself, the one who doesn’t want to reach out in the right ways. I keep it so locked up inside that I’m becoming a danger to myself and it’s unacceptable.
Let me have today’s manna, Lord. I’m going to fulfill myself in your glories and recognize when I’m not living up to my potentials. I’m going to try and come to you first even when I don’t feel like I’m being heard or that you aren’t there. A lot of times I later realize that’s when you are there the most. When you are asking me to realize my brokenness that you are only trying to use for my benefit. I’m humbled to have gone through the trials of my life and I ask you to continue to give them to me because they make me think about what it truly means to be a woman in Christ.
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