I’m just going to come right out and say it, today has been fucking weird. I can’t settle my thoughts that make no sense. I have been confused. I have felt lost. Everything I write just doesn’t make sense to me. I feel like I’m at a creative loss. I don’t know the right words to say. I don’t feel like I am myself. I am honestly not sure who I am right now. I feel extremely depersonalized. I am dizzy from it all. I keep hearing someone reciting poetry in my head. They are trying to find the words to express to someone why I am sorry for not being talkative today. I feel like I owe it or that I should feel sorry because I’ve been having such an off day.
I feel numb but I also feel like crying. I feel like I am here for everyone else but paying no attention to myself. I almost feel robotic. I feel like I’ve been encouraging everyone but myself. I had to do an encouragement post for our small group today and at the moment I felt something, just a single moment I did. *Poof* It’s gone. Completely disappeared. Nothing right now makes any damn sense to me and it’s scary. I’ve read the Bible to look for answers, I’ve listened to worship music to see if I could find a tune that speaks to me. I’ve written for the small group, I’ve left comments, I even participated in my mentorship program but after the words were written I felt like they had lost all meaning.
I feel like a hypocrite right now and I keep feeling like I, myself, am leaving my body. My vision keeps making me dizzy as if I’m trying to take off but my body is planted limply on the bed. What is going on? Why am I feeling this way? Why can I not listen to my own words of inspiration, encouragement, reason, or hello, logic?! Something feels deeply off and I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t know if it’s a full on switch about to occur or someone is just trying to take the control from me. I have been depressed and down on myself and I keep begging for someone to please just make me manic. Take this pain away from me, release me from this misery. Something. Anything… Do y’all hear me?
My mind races for what feels like forever and then stops and I’m confused and I don’t know what to say next. Silence. I stop and there is silence and then it feels like my eyes are popping out of my sockets. Why is that? Are you just trying to ground me, keep me front stuck because frankly, I’m tired of this host business. Just let me in and let me rest so maybe I can come back out and have some reasoning about me. Maybe I can relax and sift through some memories in the library that need sorting out. Something to take me out of this role for now.
I feel fatigued and I’m literally tired of feeling tired. I can’t stand any of myself. None. I can honestly say I can’t stand me. You make me sick. I wish sometimes that I could just leave and not come back. What that’s supposed to mean, I’m honestly not sure. I just don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in this body and I don’t want to feel like I have no meaning or purpose. I just want to know, how can I feel this so harshly and still be an okay Mom, daughter, friend, lover, leader, writer, influencer, or whatever else I may be? I want to just take a step back and reflect because these sporadic feelings are becoming too overwhelming right now.
This doesn’t feel like me. Where did I go? Who am I? What is this life and why can’t I get a sense of belonging right now?