Every time I begin to write I think to myself, “Do I have the allotted time to do such? Will Eddie need me or will there be any interruptions?” When I begin my thought process, if it gets disturbed I lose it. I’m lucky if I can sit right back down and continue on with that thought or what I even had envisioned for today’s ramblings. Looking up from the screen I’ve already come to the conclusion this may not have been the time to start such a post. Eddie seems pretty content watching Peter Pan. I keep catching myself getting lost in it myself. The song Wendy sings about your Mother always brings tears to my eyes.

Becoming a Mom and looking over at Eddie’s sweet cherubic face makes me overwhelmed with love. I never thought I was worthy of becoming one. I still don’t feel like I’m Mom material. It’s hard to battle with these type of thoughts. I don’t want him to ever think I’ve got my doubts but child, I’ve got many of them. Living here with my Mom and him having not only myself, but her, makes me feel like I’m not getting the bonding experience I should with my own son. It’s not because I don’t want to be here, I just don’t think we are properly forming a Mother, Son bond. I’m not sorry for this feeling, I have every right to feel this way.

I’m selfish in some of my ways, this I know to be true. It’s never something anyone wants to admit, but our hearts are ugly and full of self-want. Things consume us and we never want to be at fault for our earthly desires. No one is without this, so don’t think anyone gets away with it. I just want Eddie to know that I am doing what I can with what God’s given me. I feel about as useful as my Dad when I was growing up. If it didn’t interest him, it would never benefit us. So I would join him in the garage when he was working on his countless vintage cars because that is honestly my fondest memories with him. I am scared I am hiding away with my laptop in my corner feverishly typing away to understand where it went wrong in my childhood that I may very well be ignoring his.

I am full of so much doubt, my anxious heart, it always worries. I know I’m not supposed to let the anxieties of this life cloud my mind and I need to put a guard over my heart. I hear you loud and clear, Lord. Forgive me of my humanistic ways. I’m searching so desperately for your voice, the next step, and how I need to continue living my life. There are always lessons to be learned in the waiting. When I’ve been given a glimpse of response and then when it all goes silent again, it frightens me to the core. No one likes to feel alone as much as I isolate myself. I don’t want to continue doing this to myself.

How can we turn all of this around today? When I’m done with this entry, I want to devote the rest of my day to Eddie. I need to take a step back and realize where my priorities need to lie. I think I’m giving myself a bad rep when I know for a fact these lies I tell myself are just that, lies. I am a good Mom. I’ve been through a whole lot and it shows in the ways in which I apply myself. I won’t let the lies of lucifer cloud my mind, my judgements, the way I handle these situations. I can do anything through Christ, who gives me strength. Be my strength today because it’s all I’ve got. Tomorrow is not promised. I will choose you every day and live for the precious moments you so graciously place before me. Your mercies I can always count on.

7 responses to “Listen To Yourself”

  1. H. R Phoenix, Author Avatar

    Eddie sounds like a wonderful boy…
    Autumn, I’ll pray for you both, you can count on that. I’ll pray that God grants long lifes to the both of you and you live to see Eddie’s future successes and happiness.

    And to you Autumn, I hope you feel better and I want you to know that even if you’ve never met me, I am always here for you.
    Please let me know if I can help you with anything from tips to advice or anything else….


    Liked by 1 person

    1. thefoxtalessystem Avatar

      That is entirely way too sweet of you. It’s so nice to have someone who cares even through journaling. I think it’s a blessing. I appreciate everything you have to offer. I’m honored. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. H. R Phoenix, Author Avatar

        My pleasure!
        Your writing style is intriguing and even though I’ve never met you, I am very fond. ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. thefoxtalessystem Avatar

        That is a relief to hear. I have many who enjoy writing so my style is always subject to change. It’s the, “Do I really want to post this?” situation I debate a lot, but end up doing it anyway. I mean, what I have to say is only my opinion, it’s not a fact. Might as well enjoy the free space to express ourselves.

        I must have you know, I truly enjoy your blog. You seem like such a happy, upbeat, positive type of person. It’s much needed in this life. It’s a nice break from doom and gloom you see all around. Thanks for your friendship. ❤ You are creative beyond words.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. H. R Phoenix, Author Avatar

        I go through the ‘Do I want to post this?’ too. I like your opinions. I like the way that you express your feelings, not caring what anyone would think…

        Oh thank you so much!
        I have to say, my life’s been a hell lot brighter since i met you ❤️❤️❤️
        My pleasure, I enjoy your company and these little chats we have.
        Your blog is overflowing with AWESOMENESS though, I really admire your work and writings 🤗
        I hope you get successful in whatever you do and hugs to you and lil Eddie – I’m sure he has a wonderful mum!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. thefoxtalessystem Avatar

        You know, I never expected the outcome that I’ve produced thus far beginning this journal. I’m shocked that people actually want to read what we write , like, or comment. So, this is blowing my mind at the moment. I wasn’t intending on friendships, awards, or followers. I needed a place where I could have my own type of therapy and it’s just opened itself up to so many potentials. I believe in signs and pathways progressing, but to say I’ve got 30 subs makes me feel heard. I had a rough time as a child and always felt like I was told to be quiet and made fun of. But I guess that could be for another time.

        I could ramble on and on. Believe me. I can see that you and I could probably hold a lengthy conversation as well, which is honestly all I wanted after I realized people had heart and cared about others on this site. So, bring on the conversations. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      5. H. R Phoenix, Author Avatar

        I love reading what you write ❤️
        I’m sorry about your childhood, and I like your ramblings and, you have been heard ❤️
        I don’t know much about you, but I know that you are a great WordPress buddy, amazing writer, hard working and the coolest mum to lil Eddie, a talented woman who has definitely been heard.
        Keep up the awesomeness!

        Yeah, sure! I do care about you and your posts and you are a kind person at heart ❤️
        Never give up Autumn, and you can count on me to help you with whatever difficulty you have.
        Just drop me a comment and I’ll rush to your aid ❤️❤️❤️😉

        Liked by 1 person

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