Every time I begin to write I think to myself, “Do I have the allotted time to do such? Will Eddie need me or will there be any interruptions?” When I begin my thought process, if it gets disturbed I lose it. I’m lucky if I can sit right back down and continue on with that thought or what I even had envisioned for today’s ramblings. Looking up from the screen I’ve already come to the conclusion this may not have been the time to start such a post. Eddie seems pretty content watching Peter Pan. I keep catching myself getting lost in it myself. The song Wendy sings about your Mother always brings tears to my eyes.
Becoming a Mom and looking over at Eddie’s sweet cherubic face makes me overwhelmed with love. I never thought I was worthy of becoming one. I still don’t feel like I’m Mom material. It’s hard to battle with these type of thoughts. I don’t want him to ever think I’ve got my doubts but child, I’ve got many of them. Living here with my Mom and him having not only myself, but her, makes me feel like I’m not getting the bonding experience I should with my own son. It’s not because I don’t want to be here, I just don’t think we are properly forming a Mother, Son bond. I’m not sorry for this feeling, I have every right to feel this way.
I’m selfish in some of my ways, this I know to be true. It’s never something anyone wants to admit, but our hearts are ugly and full of self-want. Things consume us and we never want to be at fault for our earthly desires. No one is without this, so don’t think anyone gets away with it. I just want Eddie to know that I am doing what I can with what God’s given me. I feel about as useful as my Dad when I was growing up. If it didn’t interest him, it would never benefit us. So I would join him in the garage when he was working on his countless vintage cars because that is honestly my fondest memories with him. I am scared I am hiding away with my laptop in my corner feverishly typing away to understand where it went wrong in my childhood that I may very well be ignoring his.
I am full of so much doubt, my anxious heart, it always worries. I know I’m not supposed to let the anxieties of this life cloud my mind and I need to put a guard over my heart. I hear you loud and clear, Lord. Forgive me of my humanistic ways. I’m searching so desperately for your voice, the next step, and how I need to continue living my life. There are always lessons to be learned in the waiting. When I’ve been given a glimpse of response and then when it all goes silent again, it frightens me to the core. No one likes to feel alone as much as I isolate myself. I don’t want to continue doing this to myself.
How can we turn all of this around today? When I’m done with this entry, I want to devote the rest of my day to Eddie. I need to take a step back and realize where my priorities need to lie. I think I’m giving myself a bad rep when I know for a fact these lies I tell myself are just that, lies. I am a good Mom. I’ve been through a whole lot and it shows in the ways in which I apply myself. I won’t let the lies of lucifer cloud my mind, my judgements, the way I handle these situations. I can do anything through Christ, who gives me strength. Be my strength today because it’s all I’ve got. Tomorrow is not promised. I will choose you every day and live for the precious moments you so graciously place before me. Your mercies I can always count on.