What is one failure that is hanging over you and holding you back from being the person God created you to be?
“There is plenty that is keeping me from this. Growing up I was never good enough. Still being proved to this day. I’ve felt shame my whole life. It drags me down every single day of my life. You know how hard it is to be positive for everyone but myself? To pretend to be alright when clearly I am not. I don’t know why I’m deserving of everything I’ve got. Why I’m even being put into a place of leadership. I’ve never amounted to much in this life, is this the grand plan? To wallow in self pity my whole life, wondering what could’ve been and what’s to become of me? I feel like I’m falling into a black hole and I don’t want the failures of my past to be the thing that holds me back from a decent future. This whole life is just one big joke, don’t you see that Bets? Why don’t you take a step back and see exactly what holding this all in is doing to you? You are screaming so loud on the inside that it’s frightening. You need to dig deep in all you do through God or you are going to miss your mark. Remember, dear, God is the only way to a life of ultimate protection, bliss. I shouldn’t let any failure hang over the woman I truly believe myself to be. Admitting defeat is one thing but falling to it is another. That’s the devil’s work and you can’t let him win. Stick to what you know, hold your head up high, and do this one life you’ve got the right way. YOUR FAILURES DO NOT DEFINE YOU! YOU HEAR ME? GOD IS THE ANSWER.” -Co-con Sterling
I don’t know what compelled me to write this out. For whatever reason I was told to go a head and share this. When I was writing this down in my book I could feel Sterling take over and just watch as he frantically and angrily wrote for me. The anger just radiating off of me and I started to feel myself get hot and uncomfortable. I am still feeling his anger, it is extremely overwhelming. All of this is pissing me off. How for some reason I can’t shake this horrible feeling I’ve had for over a week now. I don’t know what is going on with me or why I am feeling all of this so heavily right now.
Coming down to the wire of moving and knowing I’ll only be an hour from the man I can no longer think of romantically. He makes me feel sick to my stomach and I’m watching as he tries to make every little thing be about me and my fucked up self. I’m starting to get so damn mad about everything. How I pull back and freeze in difficult situations and how I just can’t speak up for myself, have a damn voice! He is a failure of mine I NEVER want to revisit in my life once everything is said and done. I want to black out that part of my life and move forward. The anger is becoming almost unbearable and it’s making my eyes sting and head pound. The music Sterling keeps playing is not helping and I feel it’s just fueling more anger.
It’s so difficult to be apart of a system and have someone so hurt so angry so undeserving of holding the traumas and emotions that he does. It isn’t fair, but life is not fair. God never said life would be fair. We need to be lucky that we don’t get what we absolutely do deserve, we’ve been shown mercy through the death of his Son. I need to come back to what I know, Sterling, you told me to come back to what we know. I know you hate these two words, but I need to beg and plead with you to please, Calm Down.
Remember what has happened in our past is just that, the past. I don’t know what I’m saying here or what point I’m trying to get across. I’m confused and I don’t know what I’m doing. I felt a whole bunch of adrenaline racing through my veins, it felt like a numbing feeling throughout my whole body and then it just stops. It’s back. I can feel when certain things trigger you and I’m sorry that’s the way it has to happen. To pull you back in. If there was a way around this, don’t you think I would do something about it? In a heartbeat. But this is the life we’ve been dealt and we have to learn to just accept it. It could’ve been way worse.
I’ve had enough. This’ll do for now. -Autumn/Co-con Sterling