There is something that I noticed recently that I do when I really appreciate someone. I send them a YouTube video of a song that reminds me of them when I listen to it. I’ve been doing it for so long but just now realized it. I used to do the same thing when I was little too. I’d be listening to a song on my Walkman and go back to the beginning of the song and drop one of my earbuds into my friend’s hand and we’d bob our head to the beat together. Recording songs from the radio that we knew was coming on the request line late at night.

Does anybody remember those 10 @ 10 request lines where people would call in and vote for the song and the most popular ones got played “late at night.” Man being in early teen years, that was everything. I grew up near Chicago and so I had the pleasure of tuning into Q101 with Mancow in the morning. So much of my life was based on the music I streamed through my ears. Loveline with Dr. Drew Pinsky was another guilty pleasure of mine to listen to. Far too advanced maturity for the young mind who was listening to it. I was introduced to a lot of things very early on in life which explains a lot of my life. My life could’ve been summed up by the title, “Manic Mind of the Sexual Furry Kind.” Man, wouldn’t that be a page turner.

I’m embarrassed by a lot of things that have happened to me in my life and so it is very hard to publicly relive it. I know a lot of people would probably look at me a whole lot differently. Shed some light on things you’d never thought I’m into or have participated in. Get your mind right, where are you going with this? I’m having a hard time concentrating again because I’m not sure who is floating around up there but it’s bringing out a very shady side and I can’t handle that at the moment.

Focus. Music. Chances are, if you receive a link to a song from me, there is a line of trust I’ve got with you. Hence, I’ve shared a song or two in my journal, I’m agreeing to a mutual line of respect to whatever reader comes in contact with me. I have a weak spot for sharing what sparks joy, triggers a memory, or helps me to ground when I’m having difficulty staying in the body. This all sounds so confusing when I read it back to myself. I’m still stuck in a rut of creativity and it’s triggering. I remember listening to angry music while I would drink and write in my Tumblr that I used as a journal at the time. I couldn’t find the words and with each drink I would take I’d let the spark die. The creative spark I crave so much now. This is just one of the things I have to cling to now that I have stopped finding ways to cope negatively. So that’s why a lot of my entries get thrown from one subject to the next. I’ve never given myself the chance to let my thoughts straighten themselves out.

This picture speaks volumes. This is how I feel all too often.

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