I’m having a real problem grasping onto the words of what this author is saying. It just all seems to run together and not stick to me at all. I am trying and every time I start to read I get lost. I can’t follow the words and they aren’t doing what I think was intended to be happening. This author hasn’t engaged this reader, AT ALL. You know, It’d be all fine and dandy…if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s the first book I’ll be leading a study about. I mean, talk about testing me Lord. You’re doing it. I’m not finding a connection, I’m picking it apart and not finding that excitement. It’s becoming really frustrating and upsetting. As I attempted to read through the second chapter, yea…second, but each chapter drags on so much that the content just loses itself.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and it pains me to feel like I’m not going to get enjoyment out of my first group of ladies. I noticed what I’m doing. “What if” this and “what if” that. I’m not asking the Lord to humble me and take my concerns into consideration. I’m assuming everything before it’s even happened. It makes me upset when I get through two pages at a time and at the end of it always asking myself, “Wait, what did I just read?” My mind drifts to other things… I mean, it could very well be my own mind being caught up on all the other difficulties of my life that haven’t even happened yet. Goodness I’m starting to bring myself down.

I haven’t had a problem with the majority of the material we’ve been given before, why did this one have to be a dud? Is this a test already? I mean, God, I haven’t even begun a group yet and I already am feeling like this isn’t for me. I was talking to my mentor today and we were talking about the way in which we work. She is very organized and plans ahead. She bullet journals, uses planners, and writes everything down. I, on the other hand, can be given a task and can do it on a whim. I can do it last minute and it’s golden. Always, every time. Is God telling me that because I’ve always been able to pull stuff out of my…well, you get where that was going… that I can do this too? Is he putting faith in me when I’m not equally putting my faith in him? I think I’m starting to see where I’m going with all this.

I notice when I’m having a problem and I begin to write it down that the questions I keep asking tend to find it’s own solution. This is why I like to be able to come here and jot down what weighs heavy on my heart. I wouldn’t be concerned if I didn’t care and LORD knows how much I care about the women I come in contact with in that congregation. I am a very caring person and my heart is big. I could just meet you and want the best for you at the same time.

Lord, I need to give these worries and concerns directly to you so you can show me where I need to place them. Where I need to put my effort and my cares. I know if I have you by my side that there won’t be a single thing I can not do. I may not be great but I’m better than if you weren’t with me. You know, I figured I’d feel somewhat better about all of this but I am truly being conflicted majorly by this. I feel like I should just pick the book back up and give it my hundredth try. Something just feels extremely off at the moment and I’m sure later on it’ll rear its head and present itself. It’s not me, I can feel you but I don’t know which one of you is having the problem. I think these feelings are being felt but aren’t applying to what I am even doing in the moment. I want to curse so bad but it would just contradict everything I’ve just spoken about.

My hands are shaking so bad and clenching into fists. I feel like punching a wall. I’m angry. What is going on? I’m confused now and dizzy. It’s too hard to write dissociated.