I place my full trust in you for the plans you have for me in P31 Ministries. I think you’ve got something beautiful to unfold before me and now I’m excited. I am also going to place my fears of the future through whatever I may go through. Your will be done.
“Just like Moses, when I let go of what I knew and was comfortable with, God showed off, and has continued to show off. Holding on to comfortable would have kept me from seeing God’s greatest work in my life.” –Wendy Pope (Can relate girl…)
What has God revealed to you about fear? What has He shown you about your particular fears?
God has revealed that I am more than qualified to be exactly as I am in the position I’ve been given in this ministry. Sometimes you just need little reminders and a story about an amazing leader to figure it out. It’s incredible what the power of prayer and asking God to open your eyes can do. He’s awe inspiring and such an awesome Father. God has also shown me where I need to be in this season of my life. Not only for me but for Eddie and Mom. He has taken me from a really bad situation in my marriage and continues to show me what my outcome can be if I go back. I’m not willing to sacrifice my life to the bottle anymore. It was my comfort for far too long. I love my new comforts. Going to God, reading scripture, studies, music, writing, being with Eddie. This tastes so much sweeter than the bitter taste of alcohol, panic attacks, illness, and constant fear of my actions. I was letting fear rule my life and I never want that again. The comfort I’ve come to appreciate completely negates the need for one more shot. God has shown me who in my life I can trust to keep me safe. He does, my family, my head mates, and yes, even You, my sweet darling. I need to appreciate the fact that God is doing everything to keep Eddie and I together and I know I shouldn’t have to fear the outcome. Things are happening in the exact order and time needed as His plan continues forward in my life. I no longer need to worry about Eddie getting to the doctor and signed up for school. It will get done. I can remember that God will help me through the ideas and have the strength to get everything in order. I need to stop panicking and always remember to bring my anxious heart, mind, soul, to Him because He cares for me. He’d never put me in a position where Eddie wasn’t my main focus. I’m learning to be the best version of the woman I knew, know, and love. I have to love myself and everything that comes along with being me. I thank God every day for letting me come to these realizations. His love for me is undeniable and true. I’m so lucky to be the daughter of the one true King. The one who will always hold me close in times of fear and always calm my insecurities.
“It often takes us getting to the ‘end of ourselves’ living with our frailty to open our hands and let go of that frailty. God sometimes makes us hit an all-time low of struggling in our frailties so that we can surrender them and see what He can do with them.” –Wendy Pope (Preach it!)
Last night I was actually about to admit defeat to this book, Hidden Potential, by Wendy Pope. I was having the hardest time trying to relate or find some sort of resemblance of my life in her work. This morning I asked God, “Please open my eyes to what you are trying to show me.” I started back at it and the chapter on What God Can Do Through My Fears is what hit the head on the nail. I stopped a page after I asked Him to just please show me I’m not failing and that there is something meaningful about this. I never would have thought I could relate to Moses as much as I did when I was done reading that. He kept doubting the abilities and hidden potentials God placed in his life to bring the Israelites out of Egypt after he ran from there so long ago. God used his fears and frailties to his advantage. He made him strong in his many weaknesses and promised Moses he would be there every step of the way. Much like how I’m feeling with the things in my life. My weaknesses are being used by this ministry and are becoming my biggest strengths that I can finally lift up and share.
Even in His anger when I doubt, think I’m not good enough, or I just couldn’t possibly be the woman he wants, he shows his compassion and just side. “The very thing (failure, fear, frailty, or fault) we hold on to will be the very thing God uses in our life to display His power.” There’s no denying that stated opinion. I’m witnessing it every day and it’s becoming clearer to me the path he is directing me down.
So, the prayer I recited up there is the exact one I said after I read for the day. Ten minutes later I get a message from my mentor with just the words, “Hey.” Alarm bells went off in my head because she is a very happy-go-lucky type gal and it just seemed very off. She had a serious question to ask and so I asked her what that was. She continued to say she is taking a different position within the ministry and wanted to know if I wanted to take over her group indefinitely.
Oh Lord, you mysterious and wondrous God. You bet your behind I would be honored and simply shocked to be considered. Thing is, I was her only choice because there was no one else she wanted more than for me to take her position. Mind you, this girl has been leading that group for years and years and that’s a lot to live up to. Her sweet spirit reassured me that the ladies already love me and have such a connection with me, and who better? I felt like it was a plan God had already in the works and I needed to find some clarity on my sureness of leading before he would let her ask me. The timing is absolutely everything. I needed to connect the dots he was generously lying before me and bring that offer to my plate. I wasn’t expecting any of this to happen and I am absolutely ecstatic.
These ah-ha moments are what I search for every day because they bring me the most enlightened feeling. I’ve been fighting depersonalization a pretty good bit after all of that. Nothing seems real and I’m wondering if anything really matters sometimes. How do these things just happen? My mind is floating around and I can’t seem to take grasp of reality when these things happen. All of this just means so much to me.
“Let us give thanks to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the merciful Father, the God from whom all help comes! He helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God.” -2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (GNT)