I don’t even know where to begin here. I have so many emotions running through me that I literally don’t know what to do with them. I keep sitting here, staring off wondering what do I do next? I decided to try and write it out but I feel so spacey. I also feel really good, I’m on a mental high of positivity that negates the fact there was a negative beforehand today.
“But his answer was: “My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.” I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ’s power over me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9 (GNT)
This was the verse I found when I asked God to help me through my husband, yet again, losing his job to drinking. It wasn’t the news I wanted to hear this morning a half hour before my important phone call with the ministry, but there it was. A fresh slap to the face and bringing me back to the realities that is our life. I knew when he called what he was about to tell me. He’s lucky he got away with skipping work a couple days in a row for three months because of his binges. This time he wasn’t so lucky. There’s nothing I could do or say that would make the situation go any other way, so I didn’t. I let him know the level of disappointment but no shock towards the fact this has been happening for two years now. What else am I supposed to say? It’s been said over and over again and the fact he DOES NOT want to change for our son or me just goes to show where his priorities lie. Alcohol.
I reached out to God and my mentor for comfort before my call because that’s where I decided to turn to. It hasn’t failed me yet and I don’t think it ever will. He wants us to come to Him first and I’m still finding my way to Him in times of desperation and uncertainty. My mentor said a lovely prayer over me and shared a verse specifically for me in the scenario I’m in.
“But in the depths of my heart I truly know
that you, Yahweh, have become my Shield;
You take me and surround me with yourself.
Your glory covers me continually.
You lift high my head when I bow low in shame.
I have cried out to you, Yahweh, from your holy presence.
You send me a Father’s help.
Pause in his presence
So now I’ll lie down and sleep like a baby—
then I’ll awake in safety, for you surround me with your glory.
Even though dark powers prowl around me,
I won’t be afraid.” -Psalm 3:3-6 (TPT)
As expected, on 1 o’clock on the dot I received my call from a lovely lady named Tracy. She is one of the training coordinators for Proverbs 31 Ministries. Luckily I get to be in her little group while I go through my first study as a new leader. She only had such sweet and amazing things to say. Her encouragement and infliction of excitement in her voice only made mine grow. I could feel it well up deep within and start to overflow as she spoke each word. It made me feel like I am meant for so much, more than I could imagine. God spoke through her and God-willing, I found the words to respond with without sounding shook.
I’m so over the moon about the path I am being placed on. I know that working with them through everything I am about to go through is exactly where I need to be. I will be healing through the Lord, the exact way I should’ve been from the beginning of all my messy and fractured life. I am so honored for the calling he has placed upon my life. It makes me feel so much hope and grateful attitude towards it all. I was trained by the best of the best and I can feel so much about to come from all of it. Papa, look at me now. Did you ever think your granddaughter could follow in your footsteps? Become the woman I knew you always saw in me. Can I live on in this life and be as honorable and as mentionable as you? I see your gentle hand outreached and guiding me to this life you knew I had in me and I’m so loved. You have always been my guardian angel and I hold that truth to this day.
Thank you for the opportunities you’ve placed before me today. Thank you for showing me that I am accepted and am right where I need to be. In the present with you. I no longer need to put my “what ifs” before you because “what is” can only be see through You, the true I Am. Please keep Eddie and I safe as we begin this new journey and moving back down to Florida. I only want what is best for us both and that means all the world that you’ve shown me things I only dreamt of. You’re my strength in my weakest moments, my protector when all comes crashing down, and my light in the darkest of times. You are my Savior, Foundation, and Creator. I thank you for every bit of your presence in my life. In Your Holy Name I Pray,