Today I stand torn. My feelings are torn and it infuriates me to no end. The more I go down this path of righteousness the more I am starting to see where all my sins fall. I am aware of the wrong I am doing in my life and it makes me want to correct it to the best of my abilities. It makes me wonder if I could truly possess a relationship that is yoked. I feel like God has been opening my eyes to the hurt, anger, negativity of this world. They are coming in forms of so called “friends” who are showing their colors when I speak up on my beliefs.
It truly saddens me and it makes me want to defend my Father more and more without care of who does or doesn’t stay in my life. I’m getting to that point. I’m starting to rely more on His word and what HE thinks of me, not anyone else. I even felt guilt and shame when I was talking to You. That never happens but today it unfortunately did. The feeling in the pit of my stomach gurgled the uncleanliness of my heart’s desires. These worldly wants that do not matter in the end. I felt confused, anger, sick, and it would be one of the greatest punishments to myself through God to make me end it. I am so torn and my heart disgusts me now. The awful things that it wants, the sexual acts it wants to commit, handling my anxieties in the wrong ways. I am finding comfort in my sin and it’s starting to take a toll on my faith journey.
I am realizing I want to go down the path and follow Jesus. Drop what I know, my comforts, the things I hold dearest that I think are good, and just follow. I know we can never truly be without sin, but it makes me want to be the closest I can to it and repent every single day of my life. I want to live a life more like Christ now than ever before and it’s the one thing that brings me complete happiness anymore. When I am sitting down in His word, watching wonderful ministers preach about the gospel and help people weed out the false teachers, I feel good. It’s almost a spiritual high I find myself on. I want to stand up and help those who are lost, turning towards false prophecy, and lead them away from the prosperity bible. It’s so sad.
Does it not say in Jude Chapter one what the false teachers do, stand for, all that are not in which is the way Christ wants you to live. Woe for them that went the way of Cain because he wanted God to love and understand him under his provisions. Not the Father’s. Greed. Pure greed. Clouds Without Water. I do implore you check out Justin Peters seminar. I believe it’s a 3 parter but I’m telling you, it’s wonderful. I attended a live seminar of his and Andrew Rappaport’s called, Snatch Them From The Flames. It is an 8 hour seminar with breaks, but again, worth every single minute of it. It gives the distinct differences between the Gospel and the Prosperity Gospel.
My Mom bought us both a Journaling Bible, ESV copy, and it has margin on the sides to write down things that come to mind, or really stick out. I am extremely excited to get to work on that. The more information, the more knowledge, the theological side, absolutely every side I want to know more of. I am completely thirsty for the truth and I will study it every day until I can be Home.
Proverbs 31 Ministries is hosting a bible study through our First 5 app on the book of Galatians: How Jesus Invites Us to Live Free, starting June 15th if anyone is interested. There is a book that goes with it you can purchase, but it’s just as well questions to ask yourself during the reading. The real good stuff is in the written word itself. They have a daily devotional to go with the scripture you are reading. I live for these things. While we are on the bandwagon of joining things, we do have our Hidden Potential by Wendy Pope starting on June 22nd. It runs until July 31st. We normally do 6-week studies every couple months. This is an all women’s online ministry for those who are interested or need a place to go to learn more.
I am just so honored that my life could feel this way, for my mind to transform in the ways that it has. I feel there has been a veil lifted from in front of my eyes and there is beauty in the truth. You don’t have to go far to get it either, there’s a book and it’ll tell you everything. It’s just sad when it says something in it that means we can’t have our way and people turn from it. That’s the worldly want, the ugly truth. It’s hard when people argue which way is the right way, when it’s in writing. When I get backed into a corner for sharing what I truly believe in, well I’m sorry for your worldly explanations, but mine is not of the world. Just saying.
I would die for the truth and I can say that with complete sincerity because I know what comes next for me. Certainty through Christ alone is such a glorious thing. The mercy, grace, and love that is shown is absolutely worth every bit of my life that I owe to Him. I feel confident in a very unconfident body and I’m trying to change that about myself. My transgressions always get the best of me in times of weakness and that’s for the like of all mankind. There’s one that sees me through all of that and the only one I want to live my life for now. I know now that if I am going to proclaim and lay it all down before Him, I better make good on my word, as hard and heartbreaking as that may be. I’m almost shocked with these realizations I so boldly place onto this page because I never thought I’d have enough strength to proclaim that Jesus Christ in my Lord and Savior and I’ll do my best to live an “I Can” life as long as all of me will let me.