Fresh starts are easier to come by these days than not. Normally I’m in ruts but my life has taken a turn for the better, or so sees the “cup half full” part of me. I have been preparing to lead my small group and it’s a big mix of emotions. I am someone who gets frustrated easily if I can’t figure out something simple. I have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate my thinking. If I don’t there’s no helping me that day. Go to bed, start fresh the next day.
The majority is finished, I just have to do a spin off of the welcome speech and decide if I want to keep it a warm and written one or attempt to make a video. My mentor and sister in God has inspired me to give this YouTube thing a try. I’ve been getting a little more comfortable in Zoom meetings and talking over video chat. I have confidence, I know it’s in there in the forms of many others, but I need help from them. I want to show a “no fear” mentality but being on camera triggers me. I have to feel like I’m talking to a good friend if I’m going to attempt this welcome speech for the ladies.
I know for a fact I have to mentally prepare for this so I’m going to get up early tomorrow, clean myself up, and try. To keep the pressure off, I know it’s not mandatory. It’s just to add a little spice to the party if I decide I’m ready to. Lord knows I can write up the script and make it sound pretty amazing. I pride myself on the ability to work with words. It’s familiar, comfortable, and us. I can’t take credit for a lot because there are tons of us who like to write and express ourselves when we feel the urge. That’s why it’s tough to be able to share this blog because it can prove to be controversial. Not necessarily all topics need to be heard by others. Hence why I use this as a theraputic outlet and not to entertain anyone.
We cleaned out our room today and it’s pretty empty. I think the realization of the move is starting to have an effect on us. It’s exhausting mentally for some reason. I’m having a hard time enjoying things I find comfort in because I’m worried about everything else. It’s hard to concentrate, thus the reason this blog hasn’t been shown too much love lately. I hate it. I did this for a purpose and a reason that’s greater than my own. I feel I need to be more dedicated to it but I also don’t want to produce burn out. I am very bad at doing that quickly. It’s why I hardly ever stick to anything. Which also makes me wonder if agreeing to being a leader for 6 months was a good idea. I know it’s just because I don’t want to fail or lose enjoyment.
I also think I’m nervous because I’m almost on a streak of enjoyment and not losing my interest quickly. There may have been several changes that I’m going to have to learn about and just let happen. I think because I’ve found my passions again, I don’t ever want them to be taken away again. I know how drugs and alcohol have that possessive response and can suck the life out of me in an instant. That’s something I can no longer let have control of my life. Certain someone’s just have to understand that now.
I’m very excited to get this move going. The realtor comes by tomorrow and our house down in Florida is already ready to move into. All we have to do is finish packing the little bit we have left and get this house on the market. It’s nice we don’t have to stay while it sells. Our move date is the weekend of June 27th, the end of the first week of our small groups and bible study. It’s a lot of pressure. I’m so thankful to have Victoria to help me out when things become hectic, as I would always do the same for her. I’m nervous. There’s just a lot and I keep finding that God is showing me that everything is going to turn out just fine. He’s good like that.
Thank God for an amazing ministry of women who love and are so helpful, my family and friends who are always there for me when I can’t be there for myself, and You. The reassurance you’ve given me has finally put me into a place of peace and I can continue to live out the plan made specifically for me.