It’s group loading day for small groups and I am supposed to be so super excited about everything and just ready to go, right? So why so I feel the most depressed I have in a long time? This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. Right? I can’t even figure out what I’m trying to get at. My past is creeping back into my life in little ways and certain wants and needs are plaguing my mind and it really throws up a red flag. I finally have a place in a community that accepts me but why do I still feel alienated? I don’t fit in. I am so the opposite of the person I believe should be doing what I’m doing. I honestly feel like an imposter.

So yea, I didn’t know that these were going to be the feelings on my first day of groups. I wouldn’t have thought I’d be wanting to be back on here complaining about small things that shouldn’t get to me, but they do. I pour my heart and soul into these things but I don’t know whether or not I will make the cut with some of these ladies. A lot of times the older women don’t care for the younger ones and my taste in worship music is very .. well.. heavy metal. Not something ladies over 40 are going to want to experience. Oh man. What is wrong with me? Why am I being so negative? I just needed my place to come and spill my worries and insecurities.

I am such a negative person. As positive as I force myself to be, I know what I truly am. I know what I’ll always truly be. I can continue being the wolf in sheep’s clothing because I feel like I’ve been pinned good by it. As I lead these women in the living word, the gospel, I’m still letting myself do so many things that go against what I preach. I don’t want to change it because I don’t want him out of my life. I hate our damned dirty hearts. I keep thinking about in a week and a half I can run into his arms and know I can see him whenever I want. I know when I’m having a bad day he will hold me and kiss away the pain. I want to know what it’s like to be in love and loved for all of my flaws not just the mask I wear to disguise it all.

This music is ridiculous that I’m listening to. I’m trying to hype myself up and listen to positive vibes and it’s making me laugh. Some of the things I used to listen to as a youngin blows my mind. Makes me want to go back to simpler times and just figure out which basic white girl spritzer I’m going to smell like today. Ugh.

Oh goodness. I knew that once I started to write this good things would start to happen. I’ve got two ladies in my group that are Disney annual passholders like myself. Disney people make me SO HAPPY. I have become one of the biggest and it just makes my littles go crazy. I’m feeling a switch coming on and it’s awesome because she needed out today. I’ve missed you Candace. She was the first one who made contact with me when I figured out everything and knew exactly what was going on. She is so sweet and kind and takes care of our littles. Makes sense thinking about them and Disney. She also loves this song I’m listening to.

I couldn’t get enough of this song and learned every word to it. We had a lot of iCarly fans and literally balled our eyes out when the last episode aired. It was heartbreaking. It was a comfort to watch during really horrible times in our life and took me out of the real world for a little while. My husband who was my boyfriend at the time would watch it with me and hold me a sooth me when I was having episodes. Where did that all go? Why did this have to happen? It’s nothing I ever wanted to happen. I’m losing my mind thinking about going through it and losing what we had together. As much as I love him, I am no longer in love with him. That’s something I can’t live with. I also can’t live with an alcoholic who doesn’t put our son or myself first or want the best for all of us. I want him back, but he doesn’t want him back apparently. So that train left the station about a year ago and I’m not looking back. It derailed and blew up in smoke, there were no survivors. Sadie tried to hold on, but she isn’t my biggest fan. So. There’s that.

My mind honestly does this. My emotions are not stable at this time and it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with. I’m over it but there’s so much left to be done..