What’s on my mind, you ask? So glad you want to know. Feelings of entrapment. Knowing I can’t get into my car and just go. Oh I hate when this feeling rears its’ ugly little head. I feel like I couldn’t go anywhere without judgement if I tried. I feel stuck in my life. I feel not my age, at all. Age sliding is a symptom and it happens a fair amount. I just have a feeling it’s going to intensify once I am in Florida. I understand while going through the motions of my F’ed up life it’s wonderful for family to be my biggest supporter. There are plenty of reasons as to why I am thankful for them. I am trying my hardest to be respectful, grateful, and happy as I can. Problem there? It’s not that easy to say, “I’m going to be happy about my life,” and then do it. It’s not possible for me. I’m not going to pretend I am happy for a minute when I’m not.
I feel like I’ve done it all to myself and so I beat me up and a lot of the times internally. There is a lot of hate floating around up top and I get a lot of horrible intrusive thoughts at night when I lay down. I try to concentrate on my fan but that’s when I get it the loudest. I feel like when I have white noise I can hear better. I am so confused still about everything this disorder has to offer. Safety is probably one of the best things but it doesn’t silence the hate I still receive from my own damned self.
I want to be dependently independent. How the F does that even make sense? In my mind it just does. If I could run away I would in a heartbeat. I am a flight in the fight, flight, freeze, fawn scenario. If I can just get away from the bad situation I can cope and let myself figure it all out. I can’t be face to face with it or I panic and then I freeze in that instance. It’s funny because when I don’t know what to do, when I’m with You, I freeze. I let you have your way and I enjoy every single minute of it. It’s the only time I can freeze and feel safe. I’ve never had that kind of safety before in my life. Something is just so different about You. I just have this feeling deep down I’m going to come back and this is all going to flare up in my face, getting back to the situation at hand. You are my escape. When I’m with you, nothing and nobody mean a damn thing in this world. Selfish as that may sound, it’s the truth.
I know I’m a selfish person. I don’t like to share people too well. I get jealous very easily and only have I finally started to ease off from it. I have been rejected so much that when I have someone who wants to make me their whole world, I become attached. Then when I see I’m not the center of attention, I start to wonder what I did wrong. Am I just a spec in their eye? Here today, gone tomorrow. We as humans are so disposable it’s almost scary. Another one comes along and can easily take their place as long as it’s allowed. I’m bored of this human, time to find another one to fulfill my needs. You’re lacking in this area, time to find someone else who can replace that missing piece. I told you, I’m negative.
So where to go from here? I’m not certain. I feel like I’m being pulled down into quicksand and I am just thrashing around in it so it’ll suck me down already. Take me out. Then would I truly be free? No. I wouldn’t. My luck, I’d drop down into a tar pit and lay there stuck and become one with it. I don’t want to become complacent, I don’t want to just “go with the flow,” I want to stand up, brush off my woes and move forward. So what in the actual F is holding me back? I haven’t been able to understand what is keeping me from moving forward. Is it the fact I’m not even filed for divorce yet? Is it the fact I don’t have my car because my lovely husband F’ed that up too? Is it I don’t have a license nor the money to even begin to drive with a non-F’ing existent car? Is it because I don’t have an actual paying job? Is it because I’m FUCKING 31 and living with my parents because I couldn’t get my SHIT together and now I’m a failure? Or is it because I’m an adulterer who wants it her way or nothing at all? Maybe that’s it. How about the fact that you slumped your whole life and decided to be carried by every man that came into your life? Oh there we go, maybe it’s because you can’t live without a man to tend to the needs of your royal highness. Maybe the fact that you thought having a child would make all this so much better. Or could it be because you wouldn’t stop drinking and now have stomach pain every day? Is it the fact you won’t see a doctor because you probably have something horrible and rotten inside you eating away at you? Oh, I know, it’s the fact that you LOVE throwing pity parties because you won’t do anything about your situations because you run from every one of them, hold it down deep inside and then explode when the pressure becomes to much. Welcome to DID, glad you’re here, now take a number and wait to front. This body doesn’t just belong to you anymore but every insecurity, every problem you never faced, all the hurt and disrespect you’ve endured, the rape that happened more than you are aware, the way you used people to get what you needed, you junky. These words every single one of them, you know where they come from? All the things you’ve suppressed deep down inside for so long and now, you don’t know how to handle any of them. Thank the Lord above we are here for you now. You’d be dead if it wasn’t for us.
I’m not sure what just happened there.
I feel empty inside now.