Depressed. Content? Mindless. Numb? Proud. Skeptical? A whole lot. That’s really how I’m feeling right now. Today was the beginning of our small groups. It rocked my world when I woke up to 40+ Facebook notifications. It was almost too overwhelming to handle right after waking up. God answers prayers. Let me be a living example. When I asked him to please put women in my life that I can be relatable to, he more than filled up my cup.

I’ve had two confess of childhood trauma and not the best environment growing up. Some who want healing and to build relationships with other women in Christ. Disney fans all around, one who actually worked for them. Beautiful writers and creative flows in other crafting hobbies. My best friend, no one can top that. It’s fascinating the women God placed under my delicate care and to walk in a faith journey with. He has his reasons and I won’t argue in the least with him. Even if I had an inner battle of pride, which is frowned upon. I really think I’m going to be encouraged by these women and maybe we can all “heal” together during this time together.

I had a moment where I felt outdone and wasn’t sure how to handle the emotions I was feeling. I went through the insecurities of thinking, “How am I even in this position. They don’t need me.” I feel unqualified but you know who else felt that way? Moses. He asked for the Lord to pick someone else, someone more qualified. Little did he know he had a voice and he learned how to use it again and he did some amazing things. The people you never think he would choose are sometimes the most capable in this life. Some people have a natural knack for it, but I wouldn’t have been chosen if I wasn’t meant for greatness. If God placed me into the ministry, I must have some significance that can therefore push others to want to do the same. This didn’t happen because I wanted to, I was pushed, and God opened my door and it was a shock to all my senses.

When I get into fits I’ve been going to worship music and my Bible. God led me to the first page I opened to and there was my answer. Granted, this does not happen every time, but there it was. The humility he graced me with in that moment made me flush with a feeling I only get when I know he is guiding me somewhere. It’s a feeling I’ve never felt before and the closer I get to the Lord in relation, the stronger it becomes when I find these little nuggets of gold. He is remarkable and captivates me time and time again. It’s becoming easier and easier to come to him first. I then talk to my mentor because I know she is someone he would find pleasure in me conversing with over anything in my life. Especially when it comes to my ladies.

Another thing that is driving me mad, the fact that You always have the perfect things to say in all of my situations. I don’t understand how You know what I need to hear when no one else has known me like You do. When I’m stuck, hurt, frantic, needing reassurance. There you are, waiting to be my comfort and voice of reason. Literally, I hear you in my head and it’s almost shocking sometimes when Lyle speaks. Why? Because I think it’s you whispering to me, I just miss you so much. Our minds are flippin wild. #SystemLife

I’m not so much feeling negativity tonight but I also can’t wait to lose myself in the inner world tonight. I look forward to it. It’s a place to go when everything else in this world doesn’t seem right. It’s safe. Away from the negativity that piles onto mine. I don’t need anymore, world. So please, stop.

I look back on my life and wonder how I got here. Does it really matter anymore? No going back, only to move forward. What decisions will I make tomorrow that will affect my life 2 years from now? I don’t want to do anything anymore to hinder my growth. I’ve fallen back too many times and I’m feeling like it’s my time to shine. For real. I couldn’t honestly say that to you a year ago. Pieces keep falling into place and it’s making something beautiful, finally. I’ve waited for this my whole life. I want to experience a genuine happiness I’ve searched for since I can remember.

Now let me cuddle up in your warm embrace and keep me safe. Don’t let anyone or anything hurt me again. I know your promises are durable, you shown me more than I could ever imagine and for that, I am blessed.