This week is going by as quickly as I expected it to. I’m still wanting to rush everything to get back down there and I know I’m going to regret all of this. Eddie needs to be close to his Dad and I believe this to be true. He needs him in his life and I don’t want to keep him from Jonathan. I know everyone else wants something else but damnit, he’s my son. If I have to mama bear some situations it’s just the way it’ll have to be. As much as I want to do things my way, I know God has the final say in this decision. He’ll let me know when we go to mediate the situation just what’s going to happen. My only concern in which I will bring up is that I don’t trust him not to drink and drive with Eddie. It’s happened too many times to count and I won’t have it.
My mind feels like it’s being torn into two completely different directions at the moment and it’s not clear as to what I actually want. Here is where I can sit back and assess what’s going on. He is sober at the moment and being the man I fell in love with and it’s making me feel close to him. That’s what the abused mind thinks. It’s only a matter of time before he goes on his next binge, it’s not worth it. That’s what the healing portion understands. This behavior hasn’t changed in 3 or so years now. What makes me have any shred of hope that I hold onto? Yearning for the good times won’t necessarily bring it back, it’s just a want, not a reality.
I keep comparing. Finding the pros and cons in both. The sober man is my dream relationship because everything is already neatly placed. We are similar in almost every way and that’s where I believe we fail. I also don’t know how to stay committed and I’m afraid for any relationship I go after. I’m pretty sure I’m the one who is broken. I love too much and too hard. I almost feel like I just need an in person best chick friend. Lord knows I’ll take that too far as well. Not everyone would understand that part of me, especially my family. It’s none of my concern and I won’t stop being the being I am. It’s hard being a multiple. Some of the wants are totally NOT my own.
I don’t want to hurt anybody. I almost feel like I can’t hurt my own feelings because I have pride that I can be with whoever I need if it came down to it. I have no fear of being alone because of all the interest I get shown from all over the place. Whether it’s toxic or not. I don’t understand exactly where this part of me comes from. Is it because I know how to get my way? Is it because I have this ability to make men and women alike fall in love with me? It’s been this way my whole life. I don’t go searching for it, just kinda falls into my lap unexpectedly and then I just roll with it.
I think what I’m doing here is putting up a wall again unbenounced to me by a few of my insiders. I’m uncertain what I want and it’s putting my heart on high alert and guard. I can’t let anyone in as I want to right now because someone will end up getting hurt. You guessed it, by me. I’m sorry I’m so messed up but as much as I apologize you will never understand. No one will. I feel like we just use people to try and find a happiness we can only really give to ourselves. No one wants to do life alone. I would be fine never to get married again. It’s just a document that says we are together. I can proclaim it through my own lips. I don’t understand anymore the wonderful joys of marriage and it’s sad it’s come to this. I couldn’t care less.
I’m not sure who is coming to bring all of this up and out, so forgive me if it doesn’t sound like myself. I’m honestly surprised at what’s being typed out. Who am I? I honestly do not know who I am. I don’t know what I like, what I want, who I want. What the F is happening right now? It’s like nothing matters to me right now. Not even myself or I’d be able to say who this is. I also feel floaty. I’m pretty sure I’m going through something that I can’t put my finger on.
I’m listening to Stone Sour and it makes me feel content and familiar. I’m letting the music take over me and bring a happy warmth throughout my whole body. When everybody else lets me down, music always has my back to bring me into whatever feeling I’m possessing at the moment. There’s nothing like some Corey Taylor to soothe my aching soul. He is my go-to. If I could go after someone, it would be him in a heartbeat. There are so many thing I’d do to that man that he does to me through his beautiful voice. I really want to get his book, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven: (Or, How I Made Peace with the Paranormal and Stigmatized Zealots and Cynics in the Process). I love long titles. Maybe I’ll buy that one and that’ll be the first book I read in my new office/room. I really want a mini library in my room. With the shelving that’s in there I don’t think that would be too hard. I just need to get some of my books from my old house. I love my books.
I think we’ve come to the conclusion I am an “all over the place” type of gal. I’m not sure how many times I’ve stated that but I don’t really care. Go figure. Ha. I keep thinking about how I want to do up my room. I’ve got a nice daybed and lavender sheets and I need to look and find a comforter I’d want for myself. Hmm. Maybe I’ll do that right now. I don’t know what look I’m going for to be honest. I love my wolves. I might lean towards that. Now I’m just trying to pull things out to talk about. Enjoy my ramblings.