I don’t even know where to begin in all honesty. I feel like I am just going through the day to day motions but nobody is home inside. It’s the strangest feeling and one I’ve yet to ever truly experience before. I just feel “here” and like something inside of me has left me high and dry to just fend until the day I die. Nothing makes sense to me and everything only confuses who I am and it’s only getting worse.
I am unsure of where I am going in this life and honestly what I am doing anymore. It’s strange when you don’t have a plan of action or a motivator. Everything I once loved and had a passion for are gone. I feel like a body and there’s nothing left making it function. Is it possible to lose your soul within yourself? It feels like there is a gaping hole in my chest and it’s hollow. I am saddened by the way I am feeling because what I once had just isn’t there.
I’m going through this life an empty broken mess and it’s tragic because I have so much potential. It’s bad when you know what this vessel is capable of but you don’t want to use it. It’s painful to get out of bed in the morning because I don’t want to be awake. I dread opening my eyes and living. It’s bad. I wasn’t lying. I’m in a situation I never wanted to be in again and I know I partially did this to myself. My independence is a joke and so am I.
I can hardly form thoughts that don’t end in wanting to find a way to end it. Finding ways to run. I am a prisoner in my own body and mind and if I could claw my way out of this pathetic excuse of a person, I would. Alas I am stuck here, nowhere to go. I feel like I was dealt a pretty crappy hand. I didn’t ask for any of this, I was merely born into a system I can’t even recognize myself in. What is to become of everyone else? No clue. Not like I have anything to contribute to whatever is to become of a “happy future.” I’m not the man for the job to say the least.
She knows the ways in which I feel, but I am so outnumbered I won’t ever have my way even if I tried. Meeting the maker doesn’t scare me in the least. It’s an exhausting countdown that I think I’ll become dormant to. Good luck, you’re going to need it.
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