I’m not sure what the fuck I’m doing anymore. I have so many thoughts that constantly run through my mind and it’s like on repeat multiple times a day. “I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve this life. I am terrified to work. I’m terrified to go through divorce. I don’t want anybody to hate me for everything I have done. I wish there was a way to end this life without going to hell. I should just let my parents have my son because I just can’t do this. I can’t help myself, how will I ever help out my son. I want to die.” I am torn between so many things that I don’t even know who I am or what I even want anymore. What in the actual fuck did I do to get here? I am so trapped I feel like I’d rather be trapped inside my mind than be the host of this fucked up shit show of a person. I don’t want to be in control anymore. I do not want it. I have never felt the way I am feeling now and it’s confusing and heartbreaking. I am so numb it’s unbelievable. I got a job, was there one day, and now making excuses because of how frightened I am to be in public. I am a wreck and I need help. Mental help. My body and my mind are failing me and I’m getting to the point that I don’t care about anything anymore. I haven’t been eating and am now down 20 pounds. In less than a week I went to the doctor twice and within five days I lost 5 pounds. I have no want to live this life anymore. God, where are you? Why can’t I hear you, feel you, even if I am immersed in people of like-mindedness I’m still lost without you. I keep rejecting everything and I don’t know how to stop. I’m constantly living in my sin that I don’t want to give up because I’m awful and of the flesh. I still yearn for a drink to make it stop, but maybe this time I can drown myself until I am gasping for my last breath. I’m a coward and a fraud and I have no right for any of what I’ve deserved up to this point in my life. None of this makes any sense to me and it hasn’t for a long time. I only tried to think I could make sense of what I’ve only gotten myself into and now as I’m clawing my way out I’m letting the dirt get in my eyes and cloud my vision. I can taste it in my mouth as I choke down guilt, hurt, pain, and so many countless things I keep suffocating from. I wake up each morning and it’s like electricity is shooting through my veins and flashbacks and guilt plague my mind to the point I don’t want to move. This is just the beginning, it all starts tomorrow morning, talking to the lawyer. I just hope I can form words or say the right thing because I’m stuck. I am sinking in the quicksand I poured for myself and I’m just letting it consume me now. Make it stop. How I can go from so hopeful to defeated in a matter of seconds is scary to me. I’ve got a meeting in thirty minutes and I don’t want to go. I don’t want to do anything. I’ve thought about being literally sucked underwater by the undertow and just drowning all of my thoughts out. What a thrilling way to go. The beach is only fifteen minutes away, it’s not impossible.

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