Down that little white rabbit’s hole you loved so much growing up. Little did I know that you wanted to drag this Alice down with you. But why make me drink the potion to make me tiny only for me to drink the one that made me rise above you? Sitting at the table with that stupid Mad Hatter that I thought was once me but no…it was you. You brought me into a fairy tale world I never cared for growing up and decided to make it my thing too. Oh the fucking irony huh? Queen of Hearts? More like King of Dumbass.
I feel the spark and the flicker turns into the flame of creativity finally burning yet again in my brain.. My passions they withered, turned to ash and smoldered out after finally thinking my life I could do without. My hopes and dreams they died inside of me and tried to take me down with them trapped inside a bottle I once thought that’s where I’d always be. Something inside kept clicking and shaking me to the core and two familiar faces kept surfacing to keep me around just a little more. Closing my eyes right I could see the two, one black, one white, watching over me as guardian angels are portrayed to do. My sweet Clover and fierce Blaze kept me afloat in the stupor I was trapped in for days. Whenever I couldn’t calm and felt like it was the end I knew I could count on my furry little friends. I don’t know what it symbolizes or exactly what it means but all I know is that my wolves made that time easier than it seemed. I felt lost, scared, alone even with you next to me making me seem like I was home. I was blind but then I saw what my life should not be about every time you would touch me my insides wanted to crawl out. I truly pictured this being it, laying in my deathbed of a foreclosed home where they could dispose of the waste that was my life, condemned to something I didn’t think I signed up for. To this day I still feel stuck inside that room looking at the blue walls of death surrounding me with the reminder of my son with every glance I took. His things were everywhere and I was feeding myself poison trying to take it all away. Maybe it was the reminder of him that saved my life that day. He made me hold on to what was good and knew there was more to live for beyond the old broken remains of a shattered and battered home. The signs were all around me I just had to wake up and take the steps to freedom to stop being a screw up. There is so much I need to say and so much that I haven’t but this is just the first step back towards the pearly gates of Heaven. My hell, I’ve faced it and groundhog day is very real. Each day felt the same and I was reliving it over and over until something clicked and I found my way. It took me a while to realize I wasn’t dead and it was no dream. I can honestly say I heard each scream with every shot I’d continue to take saying it would be my last to scare the straight back into me to stop from raising the glass. Why Queen would play every time I’d feel the burning liquid go down, ”Cause I’m having a good time, I don’t want to stop at all!” it’s like it tried to justify what I was doing was not my downfall. But every time? It didn’t make sense or subconsciously I was putting my mind to rest. Ease the pain and try to forget that I was putting my body through hell and my soul had not yet left. I do wonder if it was a sign that I was not alone and someone was trying to reach out that I could never again speak to on the telephone. Subtle signs and thoughts kept me upright even through blurred vision. Of all the things I can remember in that time with you it’s exactly not what I was wanting to do. You kept me trapped because you know my triggers and my weaknesses especially when I’m a mental mess and spiraling from the decisions I needed to take. I feel like you wanted me to make this mistake. A plan so well devised I couldn’t even see it right before my very own eyes. Well, just so you know, it didn’t work so well. I literally escaped the mental and physical jail cell hell you thought you could keep me locked in for just a little longer. All it took was a will to want to move on, my son, and my father. A man I have so much more respect for as he burst through the gates of hell to rescue me from a life I knew all too well. I’m safe now and loved more than I ever knew all because I have a new outlook on what is worth fighting for. My life isn’t to mess with and I’m not a puppet on a string. I won’t be played with and manipulated for I’ve begun a new thing. I’m cherishing this life I’ve been given by the good Lord above and you aren’t going to stop me from being the mother he knows and loves. I didn’t think I was worth a damn but now I know that’s not true and I know who really loves me absolutely one hundred percent through and through. Thank you for the lesson that I may have needed to have because it taught me to be more than the whiskey at the bottom of a dirty glass.