I have that familiar feeling I used to have, before all of this, back when life was simpler. When it wasn’t talking to attorneys, lawyers, and court dates over Zoom. I’m tired of serving and being served. I just want my life back. I want the ease of not having to worry about what is going to happen next. I know the outcomes already and I don’t know why starting to write this just made me feel so depressed. I’ve honestly had a really good day. I’ve begun a whole new routine and it feels good because it’s predictable. I can’t stand not knowing. Change is hard, but necessary.
So here’s how it goes. I wake up any time from 5:30 am – 7:00 am, latest. Depending on the time I can have and hour and a half to maybe fifteen minutes of Bible time. I’ll open up my Bible app and do the daily devotional that goes with the daily verse. Today’s was: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” -Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV) It really hit home for me because since my recent traumatic experience, I’ve been asking the Lord to search me and know my heart. It’s deceitful, but I want to live the way I know I should be. I then go to the First 5 App through Proverbs 31 Ministries and read the daily devotional there and then meditate on that scripture. I feel the need to write it out, so bare with me. It was also something I needed to read and reread to really let it sink in.
A Living Stone and a Holy People
“So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk that by it you may grow up into salvation- if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For it stands in Scripture:
‘Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a cornerstone chosen and precious, and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.’
So the honor is for you who believe, but for those who do not believe,
‘The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone’ and ‘ A stone of stumbling and a rock of offense.’
They stumble because they disobey the word, as they were destined to do. But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you have not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.” -1 Peter 2:1-12 (ESV)
So many things are speaking to me and if I’ve learned anything, Heaven and Hell, the Lord and Satan, they are very real and I’ve experienced it first hand. It’s put me in my place and I know what my life needs to be about now.
So, after that time spent with the Lord, I wake my son up at 7:30 for school. Little man started Kindergarten last week and he is doing really well. Today was the first day he was excited and happy to go. He had a little bit of a nerve curve there, but he has overcome and really enjoys it. I am so proud of the little man he has become. His favorite part of the day is always reading, like a new found love and it just makes me feel elated to share such a passion with him.
After I drop him off at school, I come home and go on my hour long walk around the new neighborhood. It’s like a perfectly timed hour walk to do the whole subdivision and I absolutely love it. It gives me time to do what I need to do, whether it be talk to someone or just hang around with my own thoughts. I found my Skullcandy earbuds so I believe tomorrow I’ll either stream a good podcast or listen to some music. My Mom said she wanted to join me, which is nice. It just makes me feel good to sweat a little and have some “me” time.
I get back home and make peanut butter cinnamon raisin toast and a piece of fruit. I make a cup of coffee and fill my bottle of water and take my “breakfast pills.” A yummy combo of Prozac, Xanax, and birth control. I’ve been waking up shaking with extreme adrenaline flow and it is that way pretty much for most of the day, which is unlike anything I’ve felt before. It’s different. I have energy I’ve never had before and the motivation to do things and think positively. I almost surprise myself. I can hear my headmates a whole lot clearer and it’s so much nicer to have better communication and understanding. It helps me get through my day and when I first wake. Sometimes before I fall asleep.
After that I indulge myself in afternoon activities such as Bible Study, emails, music, and tidying up. Around 2 I leave to pick up Eddie so that I can get there early enough to be one of the first parent pick-ups. He has separation anxiety and abandonment issues that need to be worked through, so I don’t want him to panic and be one of the first to get into his car. We then head home and he has a little something to eat because he still is nervous at school and hardly eats his lunch or the snack I pack. That will change, I’m sure once he is fully comfortable. He is just like me in that sense. We then play until dinner time or go for a walk and play his new found love of Pokemon Go that I put back on my phone because my certain someone reminded me it was a thing. That and Eddie is super into Pokemon at the moment. His backpack is Pikachu and has little pins of others all over it. I just love it. We have been bonding a whole bunch and it makes me feel like our relationship is becoming stronger, which is what we both need after the fact.
After dinner he watches some cartoons and then it’s time for a bath, make his lunch, pick out his outfit for the next day, and bedtime stories. Once he is cozy and snuggled in, he gets his goodnight kiss and then it’s time for this Mama to unwind with a tall bottle of water and whatever I want to sooth my mind with. Tonight, it’s this, and it makes me so happy to want to write again. I slip from time to time and it pains me when I lose the passion and want to do something that normally makes me feel happy and relief.
So, here’s hoping I can keep this up and continue to get on here a couple times a week and just let it all out. Lord knows, I am going through a lot right now. I know I must let him fight for me and be still, staying content in my situation. He’s got this.
I’m exhausted and my eyes feel heavy, only problem is when my head hits the pillow, I can’t fall asleep. So normally it takes anywhere from a half hour to two hours to fall asleep and then if I wake up at anytime during the night, it’s hard to fall back asleep. If I do, it’s a miracle. I just lay there and rest and pray or think. I’ve been finding it easier to talk to God or have little conversations with whoever is around in my head at the time. It’s always pleasant because they know that night time is the hardest for me right now. I can easily slip back into that room and think I’m back in the hell house. It’s scary and my heart pounds and I have to remind myself I’m at my new house in my room and I’m safe. It’s sad how hurt I am from all of this and I feel fragile all over again.
I’m trying to make the best of the situation and remember that I am so loved and cared for. God isn’t done with me yet and I’m not done either.