Day 10-Most Sentimental Costume You’ve Ever Worn

As odd as this may seem, I want to share exactly what I wrote On October 11th, 2013 about the night of October 31st, 2011.

“In 2011 I went as a ‘sexy’ Cubs baseball player, I also worked at WD Liquor store at that time. I had been working with Jonathan for about 3 months now and we seemed to be having these quirky connections. I have to say I looked pretty good and when he came in that afternoon to work the rest of the evening with me his eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head.

I am not one to really show off much of anything because I was lacking confidence in myself, but his reaction made me feel pretty good. I then asked him why since I wore my baseball outfit why he was not wearing his cowboy hat, jeans, button up, and boots we had agreed on when texting the night before. I guess he didn’t think I was up for the challenge so he grabbed his outfit from the car and changed and man did he look freakin hot.

We flirted all night and then it came down to, ‘Well..I really have nothing going on tonight, you ..uh.. wanna hang out?’ So we ended up going on our first official date to a local bar and had such an amazing time. We played a couple rounds of pool and had a few drinks. He got the nerve up to playfully slap my behind and hell, I wasn’t complaining. He ended up planting his cowboy hat atop my head and it made me feel warm inside…but it could’ve quit possibly also been the booze.

It actually got quite cold that Halloween night and when he dropped me off that night I sat on the back of his Monte Carlo and he pulled me in close to him for warmth. He stayed like that for a good half hour to forty five minutes and then he saw me off to the front door. Never kissing, I felt like he had a lot of respect for me, but damn did I want to so bad.

That was the beginning of what I hope to be forever, we now are living together, happier than ever. Best DAMN costume I EVER wore!”

I do admit, it’s hard to read over some of the stuff I’ve written in the last decade or so because I thought we’d still be living out forever together. Maybe there were signs back then that I missed all together and would eventually lead to us full blown alcoholics and divorcing. The main reason I drank was because we were so conditioned in it from the beginning that it later overtook us completely. When he was saying to me, “It helps me to function and feel normal,” I should’ve known what was coming next. When I was with him I felt like I needed to drink to be able to deal with all the bullshit that was our “life.” He was pretty much a drinking buddy roommate by the end of our relationship. This is NOT what I wanted and I believe if the alcohol was NEVER involved, this wouldn’t be the end of our “forever.”

I do not regret any decisions I’ve made on how to go about this as it only benefits my son and myself. I can’t stand back and witness the destruction of my son’s health, let alone mine, and be okay with it. In all this hectic mess, I did find something, more like someone, unexpectedly, that has helped me more than I could’ve ever imagined possible. So there are good and bads that came of the end game.

Now if you really want to know, there is a part two to this story that I’ve never told anyone or written down. Jonathan and I were not a couple that night, he didn’t ask me out until November 5th, 2011. I remember I was pretty buzzed by the time I hopped off the back of that crappy Monte Carlo and was walked up to my door. Little did he know when I went into the passenger side of his car, I texted Jarrod to see what he was up to.

Jarrod I had known since 2008 and met him through my boyfriend at the time then. He’s been my best friend ever since. We still check up on each other to this day. Again, not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

So, Jonathan left and about two minutes after he did, down the road came Jarrod to pick me up. It was still early, Halloween doesn’t end at midnight. So I got into his heated suv and he put on our favorite band, Blink 182 and we were having our jam session. We threw back a couple more and ended up behind a Panera Bread about fifteen minutes away. By that time it was probably 3:00 in the am and we were pretty lit. We tend to have a theme when we hang out and we are either, A. single or B. In troubled times with a significant other.

Needless to say, into the back seat we went and sloppy, drunk sex it was. Never failed. I remember how upset I was at Jonathan for literally turning his head away from me when I went in for a kiss and how rejected I felt. That’s when I felt myself begin to change and my emotions just stopped and I went into “fine be that way” mode. I should’ve known about my mental health then, but perhaps chose to ignore it. I remember wanting to get back at him behind his back because he hurt me without even knowing it. I was a horrible person back in the day. Young, dumb, and full of cum as they say. I had a vanity problem and thought if someone turned me down, well, that was on them. I had plenty of others who I could hook up with. It makes me cringe to be able to feel these feeling so prominent like I’m in that moment. DID is no joke.

So after we were done and got dressed he took me home and I did end up with my goodnight kiss. Just not with who I wanted it to be in all honesty at that time. Man, I’m fucked up.

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