Day 16- A Halloween Memory or Things That Make You Think of This Time of Year

So I thought I was wanting to listen to KoRn’s album “Take A Look In The Mirror.” Got two songs through and decided it was a total Lacuna Coil and her album “Comalies” kind of day. It’s an Autumn album for me definitely. It started to bring back memories of high school again and so I decided to roll with it and see what surfaces.

I can honestly remember listening to the CD in my Walkman sitting on the bus and pressing my head against the cold glass and getting lost in the words. It was a favorite during this time of year. It also reminds me of Daniel, he was the one who introduced me to her beautiful voice. I’d take her over Evanescence any day. It’s so weird to feel this way sometimes, like I’m having trouble staying in the front because this is normally Autumn’s time and I feel her so so close. These are more her memories than mine, so without further adieu, she will take the floor now.

I don’t mind being co-conscious Bets, you’ve got some good memories too, don’t let me take all the credit. Silly. Anyway. I remember this one time when I had kidney stones really bad and had to go to the hospital and then they sent me home with Hydrocodone. That’s when I really started becoming obsessed with pain killers and just feeling good. I’d pop a couple more than I should and lay on my loveseat and listen to this CD among others and feel real good. It’s kind of nice now because I get prescribed Xanax and take it every day so that calming, don’t really care about anything feeling is familiar.

This also throws me back to when my best frands, Emily and Kristin would come over and we’d have sleepovers and put on outfits and take emo pictures. Those were some fun times, I will admit. I wish I would’ve appreciated that time a little more when I had the chance. High school did have a lot of great memories as dark and gloomy as I made it seem. It’s the honest to God truth, you don’t know how good you have it until you get older and realize adulthood SUCKS.

Another really good memory I have is taking off of school on Halloween as a tradition my Mom and I had. I mean, come on, it’s a holiday that needs to be recognized! We would always go to Party City, Spirit Halloween, and any stores we could find with all things Halloween in it. We would follow up with lunch and taking a walk somewhere scenic. Mandarin Park was a great place. It has up and down memories for me. I still frequent it when possible. I take my good over the bad there. Even if the last memory was bittersweet.

I’m not sure exactly how I’m feeling at the moment. My emotions are a bit lost. It’s like it goes from content, to feeling nothing, to a bit of sadness, and then the rotation starts again. Makes me think it’s time for that Xanax.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of ideas to write about and now it’s starting to overflow and it’s like, I’m not sure what to write about.

Oh oh oh, I do want to share what Autumn wrote this morning around 3:30. (We are very co-con at the moment so it sometimes gets confusing for new readers. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder) She is so good with words when it comes to Patrick and how I honestly feel about them (He has DID as well). It’s also pretty awesome because she has her feelings of when she knew him in high school as opposed to the ones I now have of him and it’s a crazy whirlwind of giddiness and teenage puppy love. Of course, that doesn’t overtake the main feeling. Completeness. Finally.

From the beautiful mind of Autumn:

I can’t stop thinking about you and all that you mean to me. It’s like I’m in some three-fold utopian dream. Meeting you was like a 1 in 292.2 million odds and for some unknown reason, I won the lottery. The grandest prize of them all and as much as I want you all to myself I want to share your love with the world. You are someone whom I never thought would go after a woman like me. I’ve got a lot to give, so much to offer, and I want you to know I’m giving it my best shot this time around. I may be a little worn, tarnished and scuffed but you make me feel like a treasure hidden among the sea. Dropped into deadly waves and brought back to shore, rubbed off and handled with proper care and making me feel even more beautiful than I was before. I love when I’m restless and I just can’t sleep because that’s sometimes the most creative sparks and my mind can go pretty deep. It always comes back to you no matter what the outcome of my overthinking may do. It’s such a blessing to feel the love I feel from you. That’s all I’ve got in the countless amount of words that are still left that I’ll proclaim until my last breath. I love you with everything I am and I’m sorry if it’s not a lot. I can’t fathom walking through this world without you by my side if you’re okay with that. You’ve given me more of a chance than already been deserved and I won’t take losing you or I’d honestly go crazy for good. Thank you for showing me the way life was meant to be. Safe, secured in your arms, always holding me.

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