I’m just going to come right out and say it, this whole “Something old/Something new” just reminds me of marriage. The last thing I honestly want to be thinking about right now. Then why am I listening to a song my sister sang at my failed marriage wedding? She sang it to beautifully and it touched my heart, I balled like a baby and we both danced with Eddie during it. I won’t ever forget that. It’s an old memory that I will always hold dear to me. It’s funny how the love you used to feel for someone can just shift to a new feeling of love, one that’s not eternal or forever. My head is all over the place today and I can feel so many emotions that’s making me sick.
I am thankful for the years I had, the good memories. He was the first person I truly loved with everything inside me. I still love him, it’s just not that same. Thanks for the memories.
Out with the old, in with the new. I’m trying not to be too drastic here, but I am so thankful that Patrick came along when he did. I would not be here today if he was not the first door I opened to a new future. I see it as a blessing. I’ve since found my worth, who I am, my independence. God has been opening up so many door since then that I never thought I deserved, and probably don’t. It’s by his will and mercy and grace that I’m doing what I love and have been given the chances I have.
I am extremely emotional today, it might also have to do with the fact that last night my aunt attempted suicide. We talk on the phone all the time, she lives in Oregon. We both have a lot of the same mental illnesses and I’m not going to lie, it does scare me. I know what’s like to be in a dark and dismal place. She slit her throat and was found and rushed to the hospital before she could bleed out. Thank God she didn’t hit anything major and end up offing herself for good. This has hit me harder than I ever thought it would. It’s given me nightmares already. Very bad ones last night and now I’m afraid to go to sleep tonight.
My friend Jo is also in the hospital for pancreatitis from alcohol abuse. She swears there is something else wrong and they are trying to figure it out. I just feel like my temptations and mental illnesses are coming out of the woodworks and are trying to plague my mind with negativity. I won’t let it happen, I’ve got the armor of God strapped tightly to my body. Satan will not win this one. I love them both very much and I only hope they both get better and the help they both need. The power of prayer is absolutely amazing and I truly believe in it. I can’t continue. Here are the verses from yesterday and today. Pray for me my friends. I may need it more than I know.
November 13th & 14th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:
“Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!” – Psalm 100:4
“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.” -James 5:13