I’m having a very strange and unusual day. I am having fibro flare ups and my dissociation is VERY bad today. The scriptures I’ve been coming across, the things subtle little signs are there, and it is giving me so much anxiety I feel like passing out. So I guess that there is no place like being home when I’m feeling this way. The home that I live in with Patrick on the weekends for now. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Eddie at my parent’s home, but do I feel like I have my own home yet? No. Just going to be honest. I feel the most at home when I’m around Eddie and when I’m around Patrick. It’s not selfish Bets, it’s how you feel.
I’ve been having trouble concentrating today and my mind keeps skipping around from topic to topic and I can’t stay on one thing it seems. My body wants to constantly move and I want to do things. Scary thought, but I feel like my body is on cocaine. No joke, same feeling, anxiety included. Shaking, jumpy, thoughts everywhere, want to clean… Yeah, that was a thing. So what am I supposed to be thankful for again today?
It says, “Something at Home.” Well, I mean, my life is at home. Both of them. My heart belongs in both places and the funny thing is, I don’t feel torn. I don’t feel like I’m having to choose between my husband and son. There is no choice. Eddie comes first. Patrick knows this. He is a real man. He isn’t selfish or want to see me fail. He’s only helped me to see worth and help me up when I’ve fallen so much in front of him already. I can’t deny I’ve asked him multiple times why he hasn’t left me yet. It’s those damn insecurities and demons coming back to haunt me and loosen my morals. Ugh.
I have no idea who is controlling the body today and it’s starting to kind of make me upset. I was talking with Lyle and Candace earlier but now I’m just not sure. I had a huge freak out and went into the bathroom and after I splashed myself with cold water it’s like everything changed. Sometimes I wonder if someone takes over so that I can relax and look normal? This disorder is so SO weird. I am thankful for the home my head mates have in my head because I don’t know what I’d do right now if they weren’t helping out. I didn’t want to move this morning so the motions were so robotic because they literally had to control my movements and help me get responses out to Patrick. That’s what I’m talking about, it’s like I go mute and some other voice speaks up and it comes out of my mouth like a loudspeaker. It catches me off guard because I’m not sure what will come out.
Whoever is with me is completely honest and feels super genuine. It’s got to be a protector of some sort because I do feel safe and like I’ll be okay today. I’m living in a world of safety that I’ve surrounded myself in and I don’t want to leave it. I know that I will be forced out of my comfort zone a lot in my life, but right now, I just need to feel good. Like nothing can touch me. I put on my full armor today because Lord knows that I need the help today.
I am thankful for a lot right now, especially this mental outlet. As much as I want to continue writing, I just can’t. I’m feeling panic again and it makes my thoughts go all over the place. I don’t want to say something I’d regret. Peace.
November 29, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:
“Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my GOD. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now.” -Philippians 1:3-5 (NLT)