Today Is: December 6th, 2020 (Sunday Funday)

I’m Grateful For: Rock Trance

Exodus 3:10-12: “‘So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.’ But Moses said to God, ‘Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?’ And God said, ‘I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.’”

On My Heart Today: I woke up extremely happy today. Being in God’s word first thing is very helpful and uplifting. I seriously feel like I can’t get enough. I feel like an addict who just craves more and more. With each verse I read, story, song I hear, post I make for the ministry, and so on, it’s like I’m jonesing for another taste for the Lord’s Good Word. This life, THIS addiction is so beautiful. Addiction is what I know best in my life unfortunately and the comparisons are just so relatable. Lord knows what I say is true, it’s just a longing to be in the word and make it to the Kingdom. The “Ultimate High.” I don’t feel it’s a bad thing to describe these feelings I’m having. It’s a positive thing in my life, a habit-forming miracle that I’ve been blessed with. Taking the taste of alcohol out of my mouth is more than I could’ve ever asked for. It’s a love I’ve never known, a life I didn’t think was for me. Anybody can have this life and it took me a very long time to understand this. I feel worthy of being a daughter of the King.

My Word For Today: Addiction- The state of being compulsively committed to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.

If you asked me a couple years ago if I thought I’d be here, I would call you crazy and deny, deny, deny. I was so brainwashed and in such a deep hole. I didn’t think I’d ever have the wool pulled from my eyes but I see so clearly now. Being able to step back and really look at the situations I’ve been in, the way I’ve been treated, the gaslighting, the manipulation. I don’t know how I NEVER saw it. I feel bad for what I’ve put myself through and I’m trying to make it up to a lot of my sweet head mates because of this. I understand why now that some of the choices made and actions taken had to happen or went the way that it did. Thank God he found ways to show me the truth.

Waking up this morning next to Patrick felt like a dream come true. Every morning I wake up next to him is a blessing in itself. I cherish our time together every week. Being able to be comfortable enough to do my own thing and not worry about bothering him is a new feeling. It’s so nice not to be judged or feel like I’m annoying or burdening someone. I can enjoy myself without judgement. That’s a huge part of what stopped me so much. I couldn’t take the judgement, I couldn’t sacrifice making anyone unhappy, so I let go of mine. I don’t have to do that anymore. I never knew that happiness can be genuine and full of so much love. It’s like a double-whammy of dopamine. I get excited over the littlest things and appreciate so much more in my life. Showing more gratitude during my day and stopping to thank the Lord for something I saw, or a feeling I’m having, or because I “saw what ya did there, God,” and everything adds up during my devotional and scripture reading for the day. I am so glad this life is mine now. No matter what happens from here on out, I know to trust and just live out my calling.

I’ve decided I need to stop looking to the future and wonder and have these anxieties over things that haven’t even happened. I am making myself live for today as much as possible. It’s the only known time we have and I want to make every bit of it count. Rejoicing in the Lord and loving my neighbors with a love like Jesus. What an incredible honor to be a disciple and make him known. The peace and tranquility I feel right now is almost overwhelming.

So I found a Rock EDM Mashup remix on YouTube Music and I am in love with it. It hypes me up and keeps me concentrated. That is one type of music I’ve found that can keep me going, trance. Some like to listen to instrumental, some classical, me… Give me that “Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss, Baby!!” (Good song by Bloodhound Gang btw)

Tomorrow I have to go up to the Aetna building to do that I9, take my ID picture for my badge, and get my equipment. I’m so dang excited. It feels so good to be employed again. More purpose in my life and more opportunity to move forward thanks to God. I wish I could explain to you the rush coursing through my veins and what it is doing to my mind right now. Sometimes when I feel this way it’s because I’m dissociating but this time I’m not. I feel relaxed, like I’m on a good painkiller, happy, and just in the moment. I keep spacing out but the thoughts that come are only positive. I feel like I’m on ecstasy. Don’t judge. I just know the experiences I’ve had and can compare.

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