I can’t necessarily call this a “thank you” note because honestly, there are a lot of things I haven’t been too fond of in my life that was just a series of unfortunate events. But I do want to thank you for everything good you have done and put in my life. I can’t express the gratitude I have for your kindness and generosity that flows from the kindness of your deceitful heart. (If I’m to be honest. God’s words, not mine. Well, and mine. What is his, is mine and mine, HIS.)
I think that God puts on the perfect songs at the exact time we need them. Mom, “February Seven” -The Avett Brothers, just started as I began this. Last night at Best Buy, not looking for it, there was a discounted album. “The Grateful Dead’s Greatest Hits” record and I couldn’t pass it up because I feel like there is a reason why these things happen. Subtle hints that certain people are around us when we need help in the ways they know how to. It’s funny how that works.
I told you, this isn’t a traditional thank you note because my mind wanders a lot and for now, I’ll let you experience my messy brain just this once.
Fun fact about this song playing (refer to paragraph 2.) I was cooking Chicken Cordon Bleus in our kitchen (Patrick’s) and this song came on. I just put the chicken in the oven and started washing my hands and this came on. I started singing and Dexter joined me in the kitchen and started singing with me. He is a very vocal pooch and I love that about him. So when I would sing he would “howlup” behind me. It was so sweet. It made me realize how much I love this life that the Lord is providing to us. It’s crazy how things work (I know, I’ve said that before, but that wasn’t my thoughts.)
I guess we will make this part to you Mom, because I don’t want to hurt Dad. Everyone’s feelings are meaningful to the Lord and also to me. I’ve opened up my eyes to a lot of hurt and pain that I can almost feel and it almost feels like I’m reading their minds when they show their emotions. I can hear the grief, hurt, the prayers, and fears that plague their mind. It’s a strange gift I’ve seemed to achieve. That or I really am just going crazy from all the stress, fears, and guilt in my life.
So let me get to the actual “thank you” part. Mom, I can’t explain to you everything you’ve done has been nothing short of a miracle for me. You have graciously taken the reigns when you knew I couldn’t handle them. I’m working on myself and as selfish as that may seem. Mom, if I don’t work on me first, there is no taking care of Eddie. I know who I am and what my feelings are, I just don’t remember them all because I’m not allowed to know that part of the library… yet.
I’m getting closer, I have been strengthened by the Lord as I continue to grow my relationship with him and all the relationships I must have here on earth. I know that right now, it is best that you and Dad have temporary custody of Eddie. He needs to get his Mom and his Dad back. This is in no way shape or form his fault and he needs affirmation as best as I can give at this moment in my healing process. I love Eddie and I don’t want anyone to ever think I don’t. My guilt eats at me to a point where I don’t know how to function. I feel like no words will come out of my mouth and I stumble and I stutter and it makes me feel stupid.
It’s a lot to go through and a lot to realize all at once. Just with my first session in counseling, I feel like a little too much flooded back, but God knows his timing and reasons for what he does. I have decided to dedicate and give my life to Him in the ways he sees fit, that’s his plan for all of us anyway. Why are we fighting it?
I feel like I have so much to owe you and not a lifetime enough to fulfill any kind of promise to you. I do feel like I’ve let you down as your daughter and that I can never ever add up to what I was as an “innocent” little baby who was just getting ready to tell her story to the world when she was ready. God had to make sure I was good and ready first before this step could occur.
I know that I’m meant to touch women’s lives who have experienced exactly what I have been through, and Mom, it’s a lot. More than you will ever care to know and more than I am ever willing enough to share. That’s just the humanistic side in me. My humility wants you to understand in any way that I can form a sentence to reach your medulla oblongata. We may have watched Water Boy last night. It’s just my “witty humor.” Not sure whom I acquired that from, but I heard she is Prrreeetttyyyyy awesome. ❤
I look up to you more than you will ever know. I feel like I’m trying to mimic everything you do from birth because you are my hero. You gave me life through our Lord and Savior and I get to live out my journey and be someone like that for someone else. Little do I realize, it’ll be Eddie in the long run. It literally is “The Circle of Life.” If they didn’t subliminally reference every part of heaven and hell, then I don’t know what Disney movie did. (Probably why Lion King is my favorite movie.) Did you know Patrick knows little things about me even I don’t realize? He puts on things and does these things and I’m like, “how did he know…” Most observant guy I’ve ever met. Intelligent too.
I told you this wasn’t exactly a “thank you” note because my brain, unfortunately, just doesn’t process the same way anymore. The Lord speaks truths, so wouldn’t that automatically make you want to do the same? Being more Christ-like is closer than you think. Just reach out and grab his hand, Mom, he is waiting for you to come back and live for Him. Let’s just say, a little birdy told me. ❤