My voice won and it decided it is going to say exactly what comes to mind now. I’ve never confronted someone before because I was snooping. It was almost a feeling of, “This feels wrong, but there is a right to be made in this.” It wasn’t a wrong feeling. I almost don’t want to speak of the incident because I have some points to make about myself first.
I have already betrayed trust multiple times, yet you forgive me every time and move on. Literally letting it go. You have the workings of a disciple but are so lost and far from God. I on the other hand, had the inner working of a demon and knew God was there but chose to ignore and go with that amazingly hypnotic sinner’s life. Once it grabs and digs its’ claws into you, it is the hardest things to remove.
I know my background and the person I used to be, and am still trying to clean up after today. I am far from deserving of any grace for our Lord, but he grants it anyway because of his love for us. I’m not proud of my past and the person I was, but that has nothing to do with the lovely and beautiful woman of God I’ve been turning into. This transformation is amazing. It’s more of a revelation experience and spiritual than anything.
My own insecurities get to me and know how to weasel their way into my brain. Sending shocks of anxiety and stress pulsating at my temples. I’ve been through so much I haven’t let that defeat me. Why would I be so upset over reading a transcript on your phone from two days ago from your ex? I mean, she only mentioned she was worried about you and how she needs to see you, maybe Monday or Tuesday (the days I’m not here.) and goes on to express her “love” for him. Nothing to worry about right? No read flags fly up at all? I’m not just holding a red flag in front of a raging bull am I? Let me know now. I’m not up for playing games of life or death, because I promise you. This time. It will end up being death.
Baggage attracts baggage. I know, it sounds so romantic, but it’s the truth. Life is a choice of accepting you can handle what the other brings from their experiences in life and you can work through them. That’s all I want of this relationship. I haven’t felt tremors like I did after I read that and it made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack. Thing is? I was okay to die right then and their. Then no one has to deal with my string I pull along on the earth until it gets snagged and cut on the sharp pain of reality.
Patrick, all I’m saying is. You knew me from the beginning at my most vulnerable moments. You saw the good, bad, and the ugly the first two days we were together. I remember looking into your eyes in the kitchen after I took a shot of whisky and you grabbed my face, looked into my eyes, and said something, that might have been when you said you loved me. I remember the feeling I had before I blacked out and it was of peace and safety and like everything would eventually be okay.
I have experienced hurt you could not even possibly imagine, one because you are not a woman, and two, because it’s my story, not yours. You are just apart of it. I have NEVER in my life said so clearly in the most shaky voice, “I can’t continue to have a relationship with you if you don’t take your ex out of your life.” I felt like I wasn’t the one saying it because I was freezing and all I could do is just listen to our conversation. I don’t know who helped me out this time, but whoever it was, it was much appreciated.
My boundaries are set securely in place, I only judge character. Talk is cheap. Actions are admirable depending on the outcome. I will continue to stand and hold my own with you as my companion. I’m not going to let anyone take away my experience of finding a soul mate. I thought I’ve found that in you. Was I too eager to want it to be true? Am I always eager to find love so quickly that I don’t pay attention and let the things happen anyway? Something in me is in complete agreeance that no one can come before my relationship with the Lord. As much as I love everyone in my life, he is definition of love.
With that being said. I love you and I’m sorry for the way I acted. I should’ve never went to the voicemails but that tempting (15) that haven’t been checked made me curious even as I felt the guilt creep up my stomach and into my shoulder and neck, making my head feel dizzy. When I saw her name I thought my heart stopped and everything went silent. Again, never reacted the way I did with anyone. It makes me believe there seriously is something very special about you. Everything we’ve been through, our families, it all makes sense to me. All of it. I see Joy and a Future with you. Do you truly see this too?
I am used to chaotic and catastrophic events for the majority of my life, if you need to say something or get it off you chest, I’m here. I won’t ever go anywhere. You can tell me anything. We’ve both experienced some shitty dealt hands in this life and we will never be able to understand our own hurts but damn do we empathize, sympathize, and connect in almost every way. That’s rare. Our love is rare. Tender. Loving. Juicy. Beautiful.
I love you with all I am. Don’t ever take my emotions for granted, it’s what failed me my whole life. I know you don’t have any intensions of making me feel that way, but we see things through different perspectives. That’s why I don’t make a big deal out of some thing because things make sense differently to others. I am learning to accept that you are seriously flawed, just like everyone on this earth. You’ve been through the wringer and you have hurts and vices to escape just like me. I’m learning them. I’m watching them as you watch mine because I don’t want anything to ever happen to you. I wouldn’t make it if I lost you.
You have to understand, I say everything I say out of love. It’s not to hurt you, belittle you, or make you feel less than. You are an amazingly sensitive and loyal man from what I’ve seen. Your intentions are good and I know you are just trying to do the right thing the ways you know how. You have a lot of work to do on your end and I want to be there every step of the way as you are for me. It’s what a relationship and commitment means. 50/50 is underrated, 100/100. We meet each other fully or not at all. Something I’m not unwilling to do because I know my worth and it’s through the holy spirit I am able to do so.
Know how much I love you. Just listen to my words and take it to heart, because it comes from mine. ❤