Am I still supposed to be this sad? Am I always going to remember the short amount of time I was able to know you as a Dad? It makes my heart ache and eyes well up with tears because Mom was so lucky to have you. You truly showed her what it was like to be genuinely loved no matter what. I used to always compare my partnerships with Gram and Papa but now it’s just as relevant to say Mom and Pops.
When the music changes it changes everything. So this band, my all time favorite band, is Tom’s favorite as well. He first gave me my first taste of KoRn. I was hooked in all sorts of ways. Let the manipulation begin … at 7 years old? Hmm. I just feel like Follow The Leader CD cover completely makes sense to me. The little girl hopping towards the edge in her pretty red dress. Enough to make a grown man cry. This music makes me happy and like I’m going to eventually snort a line of cocaine. Something of which I do not have at the moment.
Thank God for vape pens. That’s all I’ve got to say. There is a lot of negativity inside of me at the moment. I talked to a drunk Jonathan this morning and midday and afternoon. My brain really is a mess at the moment. I just know how bad he’s hurting. I don’t want him to do anything stupid. I’m not looking it from his point of view either. I don’t know what I would do if I could only see Eddie once a week for an hour. My heart would break. I would feel suicidal and like life is worth every single sip because I won’t get to see my son again.
I hate when that happens. I have a lot of demons. This is just a little proof. I’m trying to keep myself busy and mine occupied. Normally if I can manage that I don’t have to worry about going to places I don’t need to surround myself with. Made some tea because my throat is hurting, scratchy, and no matter how much I cough or clear my throat, it still tickles. I love honey to coat a sore throat. It’s comforting. We have the widows open and the breeze is so nice and cool. It feels like home. Husky at the feet, love of my life playing games, all that’s missing is my Eddie. I miss him. A lot. I have a lot of issues around the topic of my son.
All things considered, my temper has extremely improved and I am level headed when speaking to him now. That whole demeanor has changed and it makes me feel proud of myself for once. I’m so excited for Easter this year. I received some goodies in the mail to put together for Eddie’s basket. All educational but fun. I did throw in a “Would you rather” book for around his age. It’s really cute. I enjoy dying the eggs with him too. It’ll be fun to have the whole family together to partake in that. It makes me so happy that Patrick get to be apart of these memories. Eddie is seriously coming around to it all and I’m so thankful. God subtly throws in a little nudge of encouragement and affirmation sometimes and it’s beautiful. Thank you, Lord.