I feel strange when I don’t start out with a title. I just don’t have it yet. As much as I wish my sore/dry throat would go away, irritating cough, and drowsiness. I’m actually in a pretty good place today. I’m excited to see Eddie and spend some quality family time with everyone. Including Patrick. Inseparable now. I don’t have to do life without him anymore and so I’m not. I want my life to consist of Eddie and Patrick. I want the little family that loves each other that I never got to truly experience. I won’t say we didn’t have great times, but they were obviously so far and few between.
Last Easter I felt so broken. The one before felt so fake with a comical yet obvious call to the cops because Michael was drunk and acting out of anger. You know, typical Clark bullshit. It’s why I decided to keep the Clark name. Eddie and I are going to be the one to redeem that family name. We will go far, God-willing. Doing everything for the right reasons. I never want my son to think an alcoholic beverage will settle any kind of argument going on in his head. I wish I had someone to tell me what was going to happen to me. Think I would’ve kept on this path?
Want my honest to God opinion? If I knew I’d still be alive, I would in a heartbeat. You want to know why? I feel like I deserve the hurt and the damage. If I knew I would just be going to the hospital a couple times and coming close to death but just skirting it, you bet your ass. I am addicted to familiarity. Who isn’t? It’s just sad when someone’s “comfort” is another’s “chaotic battle.” It’s funny the things you become so adapted to that is becomes “normal.” Which, by the way, there is no such thing as normal.
It feels good to admit where I know I can’t control the thoughts but when I put them down it helps get it out. This is such a therapeutic and resourceful escape. I’m so glad God blessed me with this ability. I am the one who bottles (literally) everything up inside. I may have taken the quote a little too seriously. I used the bottle to drown it all out. I guess if you are addicted to the way anxiety and fear makes you feel, you’d understand. I had to adapt or I would’ve died.
I feel like we have to blend in to make it anymore. It’s sad. I’m sure it’s always been that way, but for the present, it’s a horribly shocking feeling. I feel bad sometimes for those who read this. More times than not it’s just my negativity or my extreme manic episodes. I wish I could just tell my story, but yes. I am here, “Where do I start?” There is so much.
Has everyone else had a good Holy Week so far? I know I have. I’ve been hanging with the Lord, better understanding his story and trying to have a deeper relationship with my Father.
Thank you for the blessings you’ve placed in my life. I would’ve never thought I’d be sitting in this living room with a dog named Dexter trying to understand that life doesn’t have to be a drunken chaotic mess. It can be happy, truly Disney-filled (without it fixing the problem), and still have a good head on my shoulders. Again. The new and improved Clark Family. Eddie. We will always show them, won’t we? The strength we possess is beyond anything anyone will ever comprehend. I feel our bond and it’s unbreakable. I knew that from the moment you were born. There is no lie when it comes to the mother/son bond. (Or daughter)
I want to apologize for not knowing how to be the Mom you needed in the beginning. I’m sorry I thought a drunken decision is what would be best for Jonathan and I. I am also blessed that God already had made that decision for us at least a month after we proclaimed we wanted a child. I won’t forget that moment. For me, my experience, I just knew once I said those words I was. Of course I was stupid drunk, but I took a test the next day and I didn’t drink again until two days after I had Eddie. I vicariously drank through Jonathan. I would pick when I would have him drink, sometimes it’d be multiple nights in a row because I needed stupidity around me, apparently. I was jealous and I was only thinking of myself.
To go back and be able to realize all this now, you would think, would piss me off. It doesn’t. The trial I went through, I came out so much stronger in the end. Battle-ready, baby! God is good. I can promise you that. I defeated the enemy more times than I wanted to, but every time and the times from now on, I know how to fight him even better. Standing in my armor of truths and the holy spirit flowing through my veins. This vessel is spoken for. I am Jesus’ Girl!