You know that wonderful button combo that you press and you can shut down whatever you want, granted you don’t blue screen because of how messed up you are?
Oh, you thought I was talking about my computer? Nah. That thing runs just fine. What isn’t running right is the hardwire system inside my head. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not. I’m running on fumes.
There are too many tasks running and tabs open that shouldn’t even be there. Some of the things that run through my head on a constant loop would scare someone who just doesn’t understand what I’ve been through.
Let me guess? Constant failure. Feeling of defeat. Not good enough. Never going to be loved properly by a man? Makes sense to me, complete and total sense as I’m working backwards to see where it all went wrong. Thing is? I can’t do this on my own. I hate admitting defeat but I need to talk to someone.
I’ve been putting off writing because I needed a break and while I did, I think I went insane twice. I know of two weeks that I don’t remember clearly because I wasn’t feeling fully functional. Talk about a dissociation party, I was all up in that. I wanted nothing to do with my thoughts, my feelings, who I was, who I am? I’m trying to figure who I am and I’m 32. Struggle is real folks.
I feel like I’m constantly begging God for help in my head. Take these thoughts. Take these actions. Take my fears. Take my worries. Take my pain. Take it all. I don’t want it. I also can’t come to the realization that I’ve been forgiven. I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I just can’t comprehend it, whatsoever, in my scrambled mind.
I’ve been watching The Chosen on Peacock TV. This man who plays Jesus was made to play this role. The amount of biblical truth that is portrayed in that show is mesmerizing. When I watch it and when Jesus speaks, it’s like he is speaking into my soul. The amount of comfort, the gentleness he plays in his character is breathtaking. It’s what I would have imagined my thoughts to play out to be as I read the Bible.
I feel close when I’m in my Bible, watching anything about Jesus, and yet now I have a bit of a step back in the joy I used to have in the ministry.
Let me explain.
I am confused as far as who I trust anymore. That’s just a give in. My whole life has felt that way and continues on. Someone I know and still love, I can no longer communicate with or I feel like I’m mentally going to go off the deep end. Thing is, I blame myself. Always. So there’s that. I lost my best friend, again.
It’s a touchy subject. She left thoughts in my head that make me question the people of the ministry and I don’t mean to. I “tread lightly” I suppose from here on out. I just want to write. I want to express how I feel, the way Jesus makes me feel. I know I can help so many out there, but I’m afraid of my own voice. Literally. I lost two jobs because of it. Completely froze in fear and panic because I didn’t think I would be good enough. This is my own burden to bear and quite frankly, it’s not one I thought I’d have a problem with.
So much has changed after all the traumatic and chaotic episodes that has happened in my life. I feel like I should be “back to normal”, whatever that is, by now. I can honestly say, I’ve been through decades of mental/physical abuse and am just now starting to understand it.
I tried to open up in Christian Counseling. Well, it opened up my heart and mind to things I completely shut myself out to since I was about 7 or 8. Meeting my best friend’s next door neighbor was on of the worse decisions of my life and I didn’t even know it. It’s where it all started and then I just see the murky water start to creep up and watch it slowly try to reach over my head until I’m gasping for life again. Not in my sin to cope, but in the Hope of Jesus Christ Himself.
Bad things happen to people with no explanation as to why. Life is damaged. I try every day to not feel these feelings that drag me down and then make me afraid to talk to my own family. I’m too scared. I think I’m the Black Sheep. Ultimate Failure. Honest to God. I feel like I can’t even take care of myself, let alone my son, the church, a job, my emotions, finances, all of it. I feel like I’m failing the best relationship I’ve ever been in because I’m too busy freaking out over false thoughts I believe to be true. I feel if no one is telling me I’m not good enough or I never do anything right, well, I must just yell them at myself, right?
No. I have got to stop. It is mentally breaking me and I can tell it’s getting worse. It’s hard to come out with these things, but how else am I going to? I bottled up a secret almost the entirety of my life…
I do feel a bit of relief, I didn’t think I would just sit down and this would all come out. I needed this. I can’t keep myself from expressing myself some how. It’s healthier to write it down than it is to act it out. My actions aren’t the greatest when I’m low.
I need you Jesus. I am nothing without you guiding me.