Distractions from spending time with God
What is making your thought train derail?
Outside distractions, worldly pitstops
Think of your mind as a train. You put fuel into it by going to God before you start the long journey that is your day. We are at a steady pace and an unexpected stop comes up. What is that station called? “Manic-Panic Station” is all too familiar to me. The first thing I do is panic about what could go wrong during the day. My sensors are already out of sorts and I feel I may derail at any moment. I could literally be stuck there for a couple minutes to a good half hour and it completely delays the movement of my steady coasting speed. Now I feel as if I am behind so the panic just decides to take a seat on one of my passenger cars and we rear on ahead. I’ve decided, “I can do this. I don’t need help, I will be fine.” A little bit later I realize I’ve got an interview coming up and I am so not ready. Anxiety and Doubt decide to join. Snuggled in and making themselves comfortable, we start again. My pace already feels like it’s dragging and the weight of my emotions are making the coals burn out too fast.
Coffee! That will do the trick. I just need a pick-me-up. That’ll get me to the “Creative Station” where I can begin writing and coming up with posts for the weeks to come. It does the complete opposite. I feel exhausted, jittery, and like I am a cord with a short in it. The spark is there, it just doesn’t connect to get started. This happens all to often. I know what I am capable of. It’s there and I can feel it, but getting started is the toughest position for me. Once I get past the starting line, I’m okay. The initial wave of the flag to GO makes me recoil back in fear and freeze. It’s where I’m at all the time and I fear I can’t get past that first step.
I say I don’t know what is holding me back but I know that failure, disappointment, worthlessness, confusion, and loneliness is what causes me to shrink back. I can be sitting still and minding my own business and then out of no where I hear a voice telling me that I just can’t do this. It startles me because it feels like it’s coming from behind me and I look up from what I’m doing and no one is there. Clear as day I hear the negativity and it’s prominent. The positive voices sound muffled and trapped behind the crowd of insecurities that they can only squeeze through when one isn’t paying quite enough attention to the panic.
I feel myself turn around, shoulders slumped, and figure there’s nothing I can do. Just try again tomorrow. Slump away again. Every day, never making progress, stuck behind the insecurities that push me to the wayside. To have my mind have that kind of control over me frightens me. It makes me feel like a prisoner in my own body. I respond the way I’m told to because we can’t upset anyone else, that’ll make the day so much worse.
These all get in my way. Every single day. At some point. I’m medicated yet not dedicated. I go to God and I talk and I have awesome conversations. I read the Bible and it amazes me when reading it with fresh eyes. I feel a contentment and calm fall over me, yet I can’t make it stay past that moment. I’m constantly gripping, reaching for these feelings. They slip through my fingers so delicately, again, holding onto nothing. Day in, day out.
I feel strength when I am doing anything related to God. Music, study, reading, praying, talking out loud, meditating on scripture. Once I’m done, it’s like the thrill is over and I’m back to this life that is not anything I would’ve imagined for myself at 32. How can I feel so lonely and not be? I wonder that all the time. It’s a cold and useless feeling that I wear like a hoodie all too often. I’m not sure why or how this poured out of me when I felt so blank, but maybe that’s where the inner workings of my mind flourish. I don’t know. This doesn’t make sense to me at all. I just don’t want to be useless, a waste, or not enough.
I want to truly mean something, be something, and do whatever I can to help others. Maybe that’s just it, I’m not even willing to help myself, how could I give myself away when I’ve nothing to give?