My mind won’t turn off. No matter how hard I try to calm it, the thoughts just keep coming at me like an automatic baseball thrower. I don’t understand why I continue to be so hard on myself. I feel numb. I feel ugly. I feel fat. I feel undeserving. I feel unmotivated. I am depressed. I want to be happy, healthy, and striving for things that will only help to make my life better, but even that is too much. I’m scared, complacent and not sure what the hell I’m doing with my life. I am STUCK.

Even though I think these things, I don’t know where to begin to stop this ongoing traffic jam in my head. I feel small and weak. I am not doing anything at my full potential, but it’s like I just can’t make myself do it. As much as I hear the positive, it’s like it’s trapped and I can’t become the positivity. My thinking is so negative and dark. I try to be thankful for everything I have but I still feel like I’m not doing my part at all. Who am I? What the fuck am I doing with my life? I feel like I’m at an absolute standstill and I have no clue where I’m supposed to go. What direction, what road do I take, I need help. I can’t do this on my own.

I can’t stand myself. Having to live with me is the biggest punishment I could’ve ever received. It’s full of horrible ideas and things that it wants to do instead of getting better. Once my mind is set on an idea, it rolls with it and I have no control over what happens next. I hate myself for that. I truly and honestly don’t understand why I am even here. My purpose, or the one I think is my purpose, doesn’t make me feel fulfilled. I’m just a no body pretending to know what I’m doing in this life without a damn clue. Does anybody really know what they are doing?

Failure. Fragile. Weak. Disconnected. Downfall. Addict.

Those words just came to mind again. It’s on repeat. Just reminded myself, not the mother my son deserves. My mental health is at an all time low and when I’m like this, there is no telling what dumbass decisions I will make when I am alone. It makes me sad that I feel this way. There are some who want me to self-sabotage inside and when the answer has been locked in, there is no turning back. So what do I do? I’ll tell you.

Starve myself. Take too many pills just to feel good. Drink, in whichever way that I can get it. I always think every time it will be different and I always prove myself wrong Wrong WRONG WRONG!

Why do I choose such unhealthy choices to try and numb my already numbed pain that I can’t get rid of? How do I be, whatever the fuck, normal is and just stop being this way. I feel like I have no control over what I do sometime and that scares me to death. Writing it out when I’m not stubborn enough to express myself truly helps when I’m frightened I might do something stupid. My mindset when I woke up this morning wasn’t good. That’s just the set up for the rest of the day as much as I try to make it the opposite. I feel defeated. Completely. Utterly. Defeated.

Lord. You are silent. I am weak. I need help. Your strength. Keep me from seeking things that displease you, that will never honor you. Help me from making decisions that will make me fall flat on my face and break my heart. I just don’t know what I’m doing. I just feel “here” and that’s it. Waiting to die. This waiting room feels like hell. I don’t know how to pull myself back up. I feel like I’m slipping and that’s NOT what I want. What am I supposed to be doing for you, Jesus? What is my purpose? How come I feel so stuck? Why don’t I have a clear picture of what I know my life should be, but isn’t? This season is frustrating, but I feel like it’s been decades of “this season” and I’ growing tired of it. Just tired.

I’m going to take a Xanax now and become a shell of myself. I just don’t want these thoughts throwing jabs at me all day. I just can’t do it.

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