I’ve been sick for over a month. Seriously. Extreme sinus pressure, sore throat, aching ears and body, fevers occasionally. Always tired, dizzy, and resorting back to nose spray because if I don’t, there is no clearing my passage way. This is miserable. No, it’s not Covid. Tested negative for that. So whatever THIS is, needs to GO.

So much pressure, my eyes feel like they are about to pop out of my head. I can feel my heartbeat in my teeth as they throb from all the sinus pressure. I’m constantly blowing my nose and coughing up drainage. (The nicest way I could put that). I feel the crackle in my lungs when I breathe deep and then a bark escapes my lips. It’s very guttural and cracked. Nothing has taken away all of the symptoms, but close enough for four hours relief if I just rely on Nyquil.

How come I never think about explaining it this way to my doctor? When I’m there I’m so short that it seems like I’m faking it. It’s like my brain fog makes its’ escape when it’s time to tell the doctor how I TRULY feel. My fear of it turning worse is pretty big. I’ve always been this way from a child. I would rather not know and just pass away then have to panic about an estimated date of my own death. That’s what part of the spectrum I’m on apparently. I’m perfectly okay with that.

I won’t be seeing my Eddie Spaghets this weekend because he is FINALLY back to his normal self and I just can’t bring this back to him. I feel we’ve been swapping this back and forth every weekend I’m with him. Time to take care of me and stop spreading anything harmful to my sweet baby. He was viral when we went to the doctor and I will catch any and everything as soon as it passes me by. My body is very responsive to trying to self-destruct itself. Inside, outside, I’m a real mess to take care of sometimes.

So my sweet man surprised me yesterday morning with these…

It’s a cross between “get well” and “anniversary” flowers. I don’t care what they are, they were given to me by the man I love and they are beautiful. His thoughtfulness is such an amazing quality he possesses. His daughter is the exact same way. She is a spitting image of him and it’s too much cuteness for me to handle sometimes.

We spent yesterday with Lylah to celebrate her birthday that recently passed. We met with her at an IKEA to pick her up from her momma. This was the first time meeting the other parent and to be honest, she seemed like a nice person from what I gathered. There will always be a strange tension between Patrick and her that I can just feel reverberate from around their auras. It was an immediate feeling when I saw them talking.

When I was pregnant, until I found out Eddie was a boy, I thought I was carrying a girl. It was a strange feeling that if I was wrong, I didn’t care. I would be the same mom either which way. There is something awesome about his daughter and the things we have in common are ridiculous.

You know, you can’t choose the family you are born into, but damn can you end up with the one you thought you should’ve known all along. It’s such a blessing to feel this. It just wasn’t this way with JC’s family, ever. As much as I acted like I was never bothered, I always was. Anxiety and panic attacks plagued me around them constantly. With Patrick’s family, it is a calm and acceptance that is new to me. A good new. I can live with this.

So after we picked her up, we went over to his mom’s new place and scooped her up and headed to the mall. The birthday girl wanted a Build-A-Bear and that was the place to do it. Luckily, the last time I went there with Eddie (he was 2) I received a $10.00 off gift card with no expiration. He is now 6, so yeah, we don’t go there often. I gave that towards her gift and she happily made her cute birthday bear. She turned double digits this year so that’s always an exciting birthday.

We picked up her cousin from school afterwards and went to a couple more stores. It was an amazing time and the company was rewardingly spent. I noticed that I took my time and lived in the moment and it felt different. It felt right. I’m always so worried about the next day or something down the road and I’m never in the now. I’m intentionally trying to do this because we aren’t promised tomorrow, or even the next minute. I’ve finally come to realize what matters in this world. Revelations are wonderful when they happen.

When you know, you apparently know. I am exactly where I’m meant to be. I just can’t wait to get our little family together and experience that life. Even if for certain periods of time, I just want to feel whole in a family setting that isn’t dysfunctional and chaotic. I know I can have that now. I am allowed to move forward in everything I believe in now. There have been so many lessons learned and feelings controlled I didn’t know could be hammered down.

I truly believe God heals you from the inside, makes you new and puts that new heart in you. The Holy Spirit is capable and you are because of that. Only because of that. The amount of times I go to God in prayer during the day is shocking to me because it’s never been that way before. I feel like it’s a constantly continued chat session with Him. It’s comforting.

I should probably take a breather and lie down. I feel my eyelids getting heavy and I’ll take whatever sleep I can get.