It’s probably been about 2 months since I’ve “felt normal.” This physical sickness is so draining. My mental sickness — same. I’m filled with worry and I know I’m just exaggerating my emotions ten fold. Being a follower of God is not easy. He never said it would be. I should have one hundred percent certainty, right now, that everything is going to be okay. When deep down I know it will be… that’s when the insecurities fester the most.
Hi. If you don’t know me by now, my name is Betsy/Betsi (depending on the day), and I’m an alcoholic. Nothing good has ever come from that first drink. Ever. It’s sad how much we think “we’ve got this” when that’s never the case. That “liquid courage” is a L-I-E. You can fight me on that, say otherwise, but I’ve lived through it and am surprisingly still here. There are so many instances in my life where I should’ve been long gone.
My recent stupidity has thrown me into a whirlwind of anxiety, stress, hurt, confusion, sadness and wonder. Alcohol makes me the worst person in the world. I am exactly who I am trying not to be when I’m drinking. I say hurtful things, I make hurtful decisions and I end up in jail. Not kidding. Third times a charm? Not much of charm in my book.
I actually know the trigger this time and it’s the reason I’m not married anymore. Jonathan has this hold on me that I need to always take care of him. I need to tend to his emotions and actions. It’s called guilt and shame of the mistakes of my past. I now feel I owe it to him to drag myself right down with him because I am no better. It scares me. Plain and simple. How could I let someone or some situation hold so much power over my head that I end up on a cold hard floor of jail cell 55?
My actions is what caused it. I, myself, as many times as I tell myself, “I can handle my liquor”, I CAN NOT. It’s like putting a mouse in a cage and every time it goes for the cheese it gets a little shock. It looks so deliciously satisfying, might as well keep reaching for what I know will hurt me. Eventually, kill me.
I don’t want that to be my fate, but if I continue handling every emotion with a drink, it’s bound to happen. This all happened because I agreed to sign something to give him the rights to selling our (surprisingly not yet) foreclosed home. If that makes any sense.
I want to see him get better and make a life for himself, so I let myself fail to let this happen. By the way, after being harrassed by the lady trying to sell it, I’ve yet to sign anything and have blocked all contact from her. So I didn’t even go through with it before I let my emotions completely take control and start to drink. I even told myself before that first “relieving swig” this was going to be a bad idea. I really need to start listening to my gut feeling because this is the third time I knew something bad was going to happen.
I get lost in every single feeling I have pent up and never dealt with and then it becomes a choose your own adventure story from there. You take out all of your ugliness on those who love and care for you most, by the way. Something that can break every bit of your being from the inside out. I have forgiven myself, but have you truly forgiven me? To even accept that all those hours of tears and asking the Lord for forgiveness is so damn difficult. He forgave me the moment I asked for that forgiveness and moved on, I however, have not. Damn this flesh.
Labels. I’m “the bad daughter”, “victim”, or in my case, “the abuser”. Something of which I’ve only labeled others and NEVER myself. All along, I think I finally found out an ugly truth about myself, I am not who I thought I was. That or I have believed something for so long that I didn’t find it possible that I was deflecting my problems on everything and everyone else. It’s time to own my actions and choices.
Now, nothing bad happened. I was in such a drunken stupor that I pretended that I was the one being threatened and hurt because I was a coward and afraid of my own actions. I ended up in the back of a cop car because I chose to drink and take it out on someone who has only shown me love and affection. I am not a domestically violent person and never intend on being. It truly was a “huge misunderstanding”.
My body dropped limp to the ground because I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay and sober up and then discuss what it was that triggered this episode. My reasoning tends to go completely out the window and think that I’m being attacked when all anyone has ever done is try to help me. My trust issues are extremely bad. I can’t even trust myself, so, how do you think I can trust anyone else or even God for that matter. He is who I need to put all of my trust, hope and love into. Why is it so hard to realize that what happens in my life only makes my faith and relationship with Him stronger?
I needed those two days in a locked room with strangers to realize my priorities just weren’t align with what God wants for me now. I wasn’t putting my son first. I was obsessing over my relationship with my boyfriend. I have been putting my energy into the wrong things. I’ve almost quit the ministry a handful of times now because that’s “stressful”. The most stress relieving thing I’ve ever decided to do! This is what alcohol does to you.
I am a daughter of the King. This I know. I need to start acting like it because as much as I’m going to say (I completely lost my train of thought because a Chillhop video I was listening to on YouTube started gently saying, “Everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be okay.”) This is what I’m talking about. The Lord knows what I need to hear and perfectly times every moment of our lives.
My fear is going back to jail or the court not dropping the charges even after it has been professed that it is absolutely NOT what he wants. This has nothing to do with my ex-husband and everything to do with my recently rung in new engagement. I asked this sweet man to marry me as I presented him with a ring. Two months and two fifths of vodka later, this is where we are at.
Guess what? He has been nothing but kind, sweet and caring towards me since this has happened. My parents bailed me out of another mistake, yet again. A drunken, mind-numbing mistake that should have never happened because I was being selfish and only looking out for my own needs and what I could get. This time it broke me all the way down to my core. This time, Lord, this lesson has stuck so sticky on my mind, not even Goo-Gone could get it off. (That stuff is wicked awesome…)
Alcohol has not only made me a two time DUI holder, but now, a domestic abuser. (No, I did not hurt him.) I know it sounds weird but I feel like if I’m to be honest, the most damage I did was mentally abuse the person I love. You know why? Because I am unhappy with myself and my choices and decisions in life so I felt the need to try and drag down his self-esteem with me. Woman of the freaking year.
Our love feels stronger. Lord, sometimes I am so confused by your plans but in the long run, they make so much sense. Cherishing everything I have in my life that comes from Him and to make me enjoy going grocery shopping and seeing the fresh produce that I know nourished my body is a gift. The warmth of a blanket covered in dog fur and allergies, that shows me that I am loved. I sacrifice my health because I love that damn dog and the Lord provided his comfort to me in these times of healing.
Healing. Yeah. I am going to be taking this very seriously. I could’ve royally screwed my whole life up. You know how? By untwisting the cap to a vodka bottle and downing the sweet liquid death inside. My sins are what they are and the temptations and urges are so strong, but my God is even stronger. He overcame these things. The last thing Jesus ever tasted was mulled wine from a hyssop branch. Then it was done.
“Jesus knew that his mission was now finished, and to fulfill Scripture he said, ‘I am thirsty.’ A jar of sour wine was sitting there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put it on a hyssop branch, and held it up to his lips. When Jesus had tasted it, he said, ‘It is finished!’ Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.” -John 19:28-30 NLT
Jesus has been trying to tell me for so long, “Put down the hyssop branch and stop drinking the poison, only death comes from it.” I hear you LOUD and CLEAR now. It took all of those decisions and actions to finally realize what I was worshipping and where I was putting my hope and trust. I was putting it into the drink. No more. I feel this cleanse about to take place and a feeling that it’s finally time to tell my story. The story that may help save the life of some other woman who never saw worth in herself, just in the shiny glimpse of that bottle. That light dulls, but the light of the Lord NEVER dims. This is the path I know I’ve been set upon and now it’s my duty to share it with the world.
Jesus. I’ve got you. Just as you have me. Amen.